A bit of research...

I've been doing research for about a week or so on Hypothyroidism. I have been having increasing symptoms that point toward hypothyroidism, but so far my Dr has not felt that my symptoms point toward anything but needing an increase in my Lexapro, and a monthly check-up with him to go over journal entries that I'm to be writing each day about how I feel...

So, the following is cut-and-paste info that I got from a variety of different websites (all cited at the end of this entry). The list of symptoms is included, and the italizied ones are what I have issues with currently...

A Look at Undiagnosed Thyroid Problems

It's a common story. After having a baby, you find it unusually difficult to lose the baby weight, despite serious diet or exercise. Or you think you're getting enough sleep, but find yourself waking after eight or more hours of sleep exhausted and then drag around during the day feeling like a nap is the only thing on your mind. Or, conversely, you may find yourself anxious for no apparent reason, losing weight, up all night with insomnia and heart palpitations, and noticing that you're losing hair.

For many of you, the doctor will suggest that these symptoms point to depression, not enough sleep, a need for exercise, premenstrual syndrome, or simply the effects of stress.

The reality is that symptoms such as fatigue, anxiety, unexplained weight gain or loss, hair loss, depression, and palpitations may indicate that you have an undiagnosed thyroid condition.

A February, 2000 research study found that the estimated number of people with undiagnosed thyroid disease may be 10 percent -- a level that is double current estimates, and may represent as many as 13 million Americans currently undiagnosed. For women, the risk is even higher. A woman faces as high as a one in five chance of developing thyroid problems during her lifetime. That risk increases with age and for those with a family history of thyroid problems.

The thyroid is our body's metabolic engine, controlling use of energy and foods. A small butterfly-shaped gland, the thyroid is located in the neck behind the Adam's apple, and produces key hormones -- triiodothyronine (T3) and thyroxine (T4) -- that fuel metabolism and help our bodies properly use energy and calories.

How do you know if you have hypothyroidism, the most commonly diagnosed thyroid problem? Your symptoms might include depression, forgetfulness, fatigue, weight gain, hoarse voice, high cholesterol levels, constipation, intolerance to cold, coarse hair, hair loss, dry skin, reduced libido, tingling hands and feet, heavy or irregular periods, and infertility or recurrent miscarriage. A careful review of our comprehensive Hypothyroidism Symptoms Checklist can help.

Undiagnosed hypothyroidism is blamed for many conditions and symptoms in women, including:

• infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss
• heart attacks and clogged arteries
• high cholesterol levels
• difficulty losing weight
• exacerbated menopausal symptoms
• fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome
• carpal tunnel syndrome and tendinitis
• low sex drive
• mitral valve prolapse

If your doctor suspects hypothyroidism, he or she will order a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test. Most American laboratories have a normal range from around .5 to 5.5. TSH level above 5.5 or 6 is usually diagnosed as hypothyroid.

More doctors are also viewing high-normal or normal TSH levels as possible evidence of low-level hypothyroidism. Dr. John Dommisse, in an interview with Mary Shomon, has said that that "The so-called 'normal range' is way too high" Elizabeth Lee Vliet, M.D., is author of Screaming to Be Heard: Hormonal Connections Women Suspect...and Doctors Ignore. She does not tell her patients their thyroids are normal based only on TSH results. According to Vliet, "The normal range is relative. Many women have symptoms -- or are hypothyroid -- when TSH anywhere but the lower end of the range."

This broader interpretation of what constitutes 'normal' in terms of the thyroid is discussed in greater depth in “HELP! My TSH Is "Normal" But I Think I'm Hypothyroid.”

Dr. Vliet also tests for elevated thyroid antibodies, and low Free T3 and Free T4 levels. "Most women with elevated antibodies are in the process of developing autoimmune thyroid disease," says Vliet. "And even with normal TSH levels, I've found that majority of women with elevated antibodies, low Free T3 and low Free T4 require thyroid hormone replacement to feel well."

Doctors usually prescribe the synthetic T4 hormone levothyroxine to treat hypothyroidism. Popular brands include Levoxyl and Synthroid. Research reported in the New England Journal of Medicine in February of 1999 found that a majority of patients may feel better on a combination of hormones. On that basis of that study, more doctors are also adding synthetic T3 (liothyronine). Alternative physicians tend to prefer Thyrolar, Armour, or Naturethroid, drugs that include both hormones.

Occasionally, symptoms may accompany suspicious thyroid nodules. Nodules are typically evaluated by ultrasound scan and blood tests, and sometimes by an outpatient biopsy called fine needle aspiration (FNA). The vast majority of nodules are benign, and some are treated with levothyroxine. If cancer can't be ruled out, or your thyroid is obstructing breathing or swallowing, your doctor will likely recommend surgery.


Can You Prevent Thyroid Disease?

There are several things you can do to reduce your chance of thyroid problems.

Be Careful About Too Much Soy

There's evidence that excessive isoflavones -- found in popular soy products and supplements -- may cause hypothyroidism, goiter or nodules. Larrian Gillespie, M.D., author of The Goddess Diet, says "one serving of tofu a day is all you need to enjoy soy's benefits. Going overboard on soy supplements and powders may trigger or worsen thyroid problems." Also, remember that a long-term, steady diet of soy formula may make your baby more vulnerable to developing autoimmune thyroid conditions, due to overexposure to antithyroid isoflavones.

Drink Bottled Water

Fluoride in water, and a rocket fuel manufacturing by-product known as perchlorate, and other toxic chemicals are among the many substances in water that may trigger or worsen the risk of thyroid problems. Consider drinking purified or bottled water.

When It Comes to Iodine -- Think Moderation

Too little iodine, an increasing problem in the United States, increases your risk of hypothyroidism or goiter, but excessive iodine intake -- including kelp or bladderwrack -- can also affect the thyroid.

Stop Smoking

Smoking can damage the thyroid, and actually worsens some existing thyroid conditions . . . yet another reason to quit -- or never start -- smoking.

Reduce Your Stress

Reducing stress using effective techniques such as aerobic exercise, yoga and mind-body techniques can play a part in preventing some autoimmune problems like thyroid disease.


You can use this checklist to bring to your doctor to help aid in getting a proper diagnosis of hypothyroidism, or as background information in your discussions regarding finetuning your dosage so you are at the optimal TSH level for your own level of wellness.

Adults
In adults, hypothyroidism is associated with the following symptoms:

Poor muscle tone (muscle hypotonia)
Fatigue
Cold intolerance, increased sensitivity to cold
Depression
Constipation
Muscle cramps and joint pain
Arthritis
Goiter
Thin, brittle fingernails
Thin, brittle hair
Paleness
Dry, itchy skin
Weight gain
Bradycardia (low HR <60 BPM)

Late symptoms

Slowed speech and a hoarse, breaking voice. Deepening of the voice can also be noticed.
Dry puffy skin, especially on the face
Thinning of the outer third of the eyebrows
Abnormal menstrual cycles
Low basal body temperature

Less common symptoms

Heat intolerance, increased sensitivity to heat
Impaired memory
Impaired cognitive function (brain fog) and inattentiveness
Urticaria (hives)
Migraine headache
A slow heart rate with ECG changes including low voltage signals. Diminished cardiac output and decreased contractility.
Reactive (or post-prandial) hypoglycemia
Pericardial effusions may occur.
Sluggish reflexes
Hair loss
Anemia caused by impaired hemoglobin synthesis (decreased EPO levels), impaired intestinal iron and folate absorption or B12 deficiency from pernicious anemia
Anxiety/panic attacks
Difficulty swallowing
Shortness of breath with a shallow and slow respiratory pattern.
Impaired ventilatory responses to hypercapnia and hypoxia.
Increased need for sleep
Osteopenia or Osteoporosis
Irritability and mood instability
Yellowing of the skin due to impaired conversion of beta-carotene to vitamin A
Impaired renal function with decreased GFR.
Thin, fragile or absent cuticles
Elevated serum cholesterol
Acute psychosis (myxedema madness) is a rare presentation of hypothyroidism
Decreased libido
Decreased sense of taste and smell (late, less common symptoms)
Puffy face, hands and feet (late, less common symptoms)
Depression

Getting a thyroid diagnosis if your TSH lab tests come back as normal. Many people write to me, asking if they could be hypothyroid, despite having had their TSH tested, and it comes back in the "normal" range. These people often describe a list of standard hypothyroid symptoms and have shown low basal body temperature tests, but standard TSH testing has shown them to be in the "normal range."

Here are some things to pursue in getting a diagnosis. What is your lab's "normal" range, and how does your doctor define "normal?"

Different labs have different values for what is normal. For example, at the lab my doctor uses, the normal range is .5 to 5.5. A TSH of less than .5 is considered hyPERthyroid, and a TSH of more than 5.5 is considered hyPOthyroid. Other labs might use .35 to 5, or .6 to 5.2, etc., but it's important for you to know the values at YOUR lab.

AND, it's important to know that as of March, 2003, the endocrinology community has recognized that the normal range is actually narrower. While labs are not necessarily reflecting this in their testing, the official "normal range" is now .3 to 3.0. For more information, read: Endos Say Normal TSH Range Now .3 to 3: Millions More at Thyroid Risk.

If you're on the higher end of the normal range, you could very well be borderline hypothyroid for YOU, but still in the "normal" range. So, you need to know what TSH level your doctor is targeting for you. This is a very loaded, but VERY important question. Your doctor's answer will tell you her or his philosophy about "normal" TSH. Some doctors believe that being in, or getting you into the very top of the normal range is their sole objective, and then the job is done. So, for example, using the 5.5 outer edge of the TSH level from my lab, that sort of doctor believes that getting me to somewhere around there constitutes full treatment.

Other doctors believe that certain TSH levels within the normal range are more appropriate targets. My endocrinologist, for example, believes that women don't feel well (and can't lose weight or get rid of other hypothyroidism symptoms) unless TSH is down between 1 and 2, far below the higher end of "normal." (There are some suggestions in research that have shown that the average TSH of a women without thyroid disease is 2, so that may be why some women don't feel well at 4 or 5.) My doctor wants me to feel as well as possible within normal range, but finds that on average, women don't feel well at the higher end, so she aims to take it lower.
In my own experience, I feel downright awful at anything above 4, and I feel great between 1 and 2, which is where my endocrinologist keeps my TSH. But some doctors would have no problem keeping me between a TSH of 3 and 4, still in the laboratory "normal" range, despite the fact that I still have the full range of hypothyroid symptoms -- fatigue, weight gain, irregular menstrual periods, dry skin, hair falling out -- at those levels.

The best doctor is one who believes that managing your thyroid is a combination of TSH AND how you feel. These are doctors who treat you like a patient, not a lab value! These doctors might say "well, let's get you into the normal range, see how you feel, and adjust the dosage from there."

Have you been tested for thyroid antibodies?

Some doctors believe that a thyroid that is in the process of autoimmune failure -- as evidenced by elevated antibody levels -- can cause hypothyroid symptoms BEFORE the hypothyroidism shows up as TSH outside the normal range, and should be treated with small doses of thyroid hormone.

One doctor who lays out this information is Elizabeth Lee Vliet, M.D., in her book Screaming to be Heard: Hormonal Connections Women Suspect...and Doctors Ignore. Dr. Vliet does not believe that TSH tests are the almighty indicator of a woman's thyroid health. Dr. Vliet says that symptoms, along with elevated thyroid antibodies and normal TSH, may be a reason for treatment with thyroid hormone.

Here's a quote from Dr. Vliet:

The problem I have found is that too often women are told their thyroid is normal without having the complete thyroid tests done. Of course, what most people, and many physicians, don't realize is that...a 'normal range' on a laboratory report is just that: a range. A given person may require higher or lower levels to feel well and to function optimally. I think we must look at the lab results along with the clinical picture described by the patient...I have a series of more than a hundred patients, all but twoare women, who had a normalTSH and turned out to have significantly elevated thyroid antibodiesthat meant they needed thyroid medication in order to feel normal. This type of oversight is particularly common with a type of thyroid disease called thyroiditis, which is about 25 times more common in females than males...a woman may experience the symptoms of disease months to years before TSH goes up..."

Have you had a TRH test?

In an article by Raphael Kellman, M.D. in Alternative Medicine magazine, Dr. Kellman indicates that some hypothyroidism may not be picked up by the standard thyroid hormone panel, which tests primarily the TSH, (thyroid stimulating hormone). If hypothyroidism symptoms are present, but TSH tests are normal, Dr. Kellman often relies on the TRH -- thyrotropin releasing hormone --stimulation test to assess possible hypothyroidism. According to Dr. Kellman, "the physician measures the patient's TSH level (a simple blood test), gives an injection of TRH, then draws blood 25 minutes later and remeasures the TSH. If the first TSH level is normal and the second TSH level is high--above ten--it tells us the patient's thyroid is underactive. A TSH reading of 15 is suspicious, while 20 strongly points to hypothyroidism." Dr. Kellman states that, "of the patients I've seen with three or more typical symptoms of underactive thyroid but who have tested 'normal' in standard tests, 35-40% actually have underactive thyroids based on the TRH test."

Could You Have an Underlying Additional Problem that Requires More than Just Standard Thyroid Hormone Replacement such as Levothyroxine Sodium/Synthroid?

Synthroid, Levoxyl, Levothyroid, Euthyrox, Eltroxin are all brand names for the thyroid drug levothyroxine sodium, which is a synthetic version of the thyroid hormone T4. These are most often the drugs prescribed for thyroid hormone replacement for most patients.

But if you have hypothyroidism and are taking one of these conventional thyroid replacement drugs, your blood tests show a "normal" TSH and yet you still don't feel well, there may be an need for the addition of T3, the other major thyroid hormone.

For example, the book "Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction: Trigger Point Manual, " describes the condition of "hypometabolism," where inability to adequately convert T4 to the T3 needed by the body leaves someone with a normal TSH level, but hypothyroid symptoms. Serum hormone studies typically show marginally low T3 and T4 levels, usually within the "normal" range, and TSH is rarely elevated out of the "normal range." At the same time, cholesterol is often elevated, and basal temperature is likely to be 97 degrees F or less. Patients with hypometabolism problems often respond well to T3 or T4/T3 treatments.

Fibromylagia can also be an underlying reason. Symptoms of fibromyalgia can be very similar to thyroid disease, and researchers have found higher incidence of thyroid disease among fibromylagia patients. And the researchers are also finding that these patients need the additional thyroid hormone T3 to resolve symptoms. For more information on fibromylagia and its symptoms, diagnosis, and relationship to thyroid disease, see my article "Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, and Autoimmune Thyroid Disease.

T3 is available on its own, as a brandname drug known as Cytomel, or can be included with T4 in the naturally derived thyroid drug Armour Thyroid, or the synthetic version of Armour, which is known as Thyrolar.

But My Doctor Thinks that TSH Testing is the Only Way to Diagnose Hypothyroidism, Antibody Tests are a Waste of Time, TRH Tests Are Useless, Synthroid is the Only Drug to Prescribe, and There's no Such Thing as Hypometabolism or Conversion Problems or Fibromyalgia, and Armour Thyroid is an Old-Fashioned, Dangerous Drug

Many endocrinologists are known for being "numbers" people. They manage by the numbers, and not by the symptoms, which can often create the "you're in the normal range, so you're fine" response many of us get to complaints that we still don't feel well. So keep in mind that even if you have easily diagnosed hypothyroidism, it may take some serious looking to find an endocrinologist who believes in finding an optimal TSH for you, and not just getting you into the high normal range and declaring you cured.

As for getting a diagnosis and treatment via the less conventional methods -- basal body temperature testing, TRH tests, antibody testing -- or drugs -- Armour, Thyrolar, Cytomel --you're probably going to need to look outside the standard endocrinology community and find a doctor who has a more holistic approach.

Sources:

http://thyroid.about.com/cs/hypothyroidism/a/normaltsh.htm by Mary Shoman.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothyroidism
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hypothyroidism/DS00353
http://thyroid.about.com/
http://thyroid.about.com/od/symptomsrisks/a/symptomsrisks.htm

Cynics - work together!

Well, the most recent developments really don't bear repeating. I thought about everything that's going on in my life, and most people simply don't care either one way or another about it... Still, for my own records to look back at, here's what's going on...

We almost lost our babysitter two days ago. Unfortunately, we had not been able to pay more than a small set amount. However, thanks to my mother, we are now able to keep our babysitter - which is good. The baby and the sitter both adore one another, and it's nice to have someone around that I know and trust with her. It's worth the extra cost.

In addition, we got our relief check. After buying two large ticket items (a grill and a vacuum), and a yearly zoo pass, the rest is going to bills. I get to pick up the two large, bulky items with the help of Ronnie, as of this evening. Soon, there will be a grill party. I'll let people know when.

I have continued to lose my hair by the handfuls since I had the baby. I also have hardly any sex drive, am moody and depressed most days, and/or am crabby and snappish the rest of the time. I'm exhausted all the time, no matter what. There are a few other things going on as well, which I won't go into at this point. Amie thinks it's my thyroid... I plan to find out Monday, when I go in to the dr about it.

Elizabeth is continuing to grow at an almost exponential rate. She's over 16 lb's now, and over 26 inches long... She's into the 6-9 month clothing because she's so tall. She figured out how to sit up by herself last weekend, and as of a few days ago, she's on hands and knees, wobbling back and forth. It's only a matter of days before she decides to get going and crawl. We started her on a small amount of rice cereal, per her pediatrician. She actually likes it, and it's gotten her to slow down a bit on the formula/breastmilk...

We took her swimming last Sunday, and she loved it. Looked at the pool, then gave me a look like "That's the biggest tub EVER!" It was a little on the cool side, but she didn't seem to mind at all, which was nice.

Work continues to be work. I'm frustrated at not getting out of the call center at this point, but apparently it's not to be for now. I gave up applying for new positions for a while, since it's not going to happen until the time is right.

I have come to the conclusion that there are some people in my life that I've repeatedly extended invitations to, and conciously made an effort to continue a friendship with them, to no avail. They simply don't want to be friends anymore. So, I'm done. I am not going to waste precious energy trying to continue on a friendship which is obviously not reciprocated. Whatever. I can use that energy elsewhere, and be happier for it, though have fewer friends.

Honestly, speaking of friends, I've figured out I'm really just not friend material. I'm available to help people, I am useful to be around if you need sewing or cooking to be done, and I'm always counted on to either have money to borrow or a shoulder to cry on - but I'm not good for a friend... *shrug* whatever. Fred's always been the social butterfly anyway, so Elizabeth can learn how to be friends with people from him. I'll be there for moral support.

Other than that, nothing much going on. Oh, and got a great T-shirt for Fred for Father's Day: "I'm sorry... I can't hear you over how awesome I am".

~M

Update, and a true rant...

I am still here, and still keeping tabs - life, however, has had its demands lately; not the least of which was becoming a new mommy about 4 months ago as of this last Friday… Meanwhile, I am still occasionally getting comments on my original post over under the “Sallie Mae Sucks Ass” entry (you can check it out), even though I’d posted there (in the comments section) that everything that had to do with Sallie Mae from that point on should be directed over to this blog. The following is the most recent of comments that apparently was posted to try and dissuade me from continuing on with my determined plan to help stop (or at least slow down) the financial hemorrhaging that Sallie Mae has caused to so many borrowers:

companies like sallie mae are purhased and sold all the time emailing the VP will do no good. Besides do you honestly think anyone will read them? I used to work for "Salie Mae" although i represented the Guarantor, USAFunds. We are in the same building (same #) calling about the same loans but are a seperate corp. thank you "mortgage financer" All i can say is you know how much money you are borrowing what did you expect the payment to be afterwords? try taking out 40 - 50,000 for a car and see what that payment is. The fact of the matter is that federal student loans have an extremely low interest rate are are the best type of loan a student can have. If you took out Private loans then sorry for you those interest rates are crazy high, but that amount was figured at an amount that someone (you, parents etc) should have been able to contribute to your education, wastefull spending is no justification for these "harrassing" calls. If you borrowed enough money to make a $500 / mo payment your job should reflect that. I borrowed 40k myself make $9/hr and can still find plenty of money to live and pay every bill i have. Stand up be a man and adjust your lavish lifestyle back to normality. I would imagine you have used forbearance over and over which has only capitolized your interest probabl doubling your loans by now. Word of advice if you havnt already. START PAYING anything will slowly eat away your debt, may not stop the calls but will obviously help. You have to prove and "Undue Hardship" to get any legal help for student loans. These loans are created to be given easily to students to get them the knowledge they need to succeed, for that reason they are incredibly hard to dismiss. Your choices are A: Permanent and Total Disability or B: Death.

Now, let’s take a good look at this note, piece by piece. Let’s really analyze it and see where it’s coming from. First and foremost, the lack of spell-check and punctuation, not to mention the proper capitalization of words. It’s sad that what I’m seeing here is someone who still works for Sallie Mae (It‘s pretty obvious), who can’t spell their name, and who can’t seem to figure out how to create proper sentence structure or spelling.

So, from the beginning…
companies like sallie mae are purhased and sold all the time emailing the VP will do no good. Besides do you honestly think anyone will read them?

Actually, not only did they read it, but something actually got DONE about it - and you’d know this if you actually did a bit of research through my actual Sallie Mae blog and noted that I not only got a reduction of payments, but also a reduction of my percentage rate - via Barry Feierstein, the VP of the company. Thanks, but you’re already beginning to annoy me from sheer stupidity.

I used to work for "Salie Mae" although i represented the Guarantor, USAFunds. We are in the same building (same #) calling about the same loans but are a seperate corp. thank you "mortgage financer

I’d say you STILL work for them, what with your lack of empathy, not to mention your piss-poor information. Further, they are NOT a separate corporation - they are all under the same major corporate vendor identity that is Sallie Mae (or is that Salie Mae, as you spelled it). This is something that has been a repeated bone of contention throughout the company’s long history with its borrowers. They own over 12 different collection companies, but claim since those companies are all named differently, they are all allowed to call individually for loan collection - even though they are all doing debt collection for the SAME COMPANY - Sallie Mae.

All i can say is you know how much money you are borrowing what did you expect the payment to be afterwords? try taking out 40 - 50,000 for a car and see what that payment is.

I’m sorry - if you’re going to take out a loan for $40-$50,000 for a CAR, then that’s a different kettle of fish. A vehicle is not supposed to get you further in your career. It will not provide further knowledge or help to increase your value as a member of society based on your training. Try comparing this with something else - I’d be more inclined to listen about it. Furthermore, the percentage rate on a car loan is based on your annual credit score, and is normally a fixed rate. This is not necessarily so for a student loan.

The fact of the matter is that federal student loans have an extremely low interest rate are are the best type of loan a student can have. If you took out Private loans then sorry for you those interest rates are crazy high, but that amount was figured at an amount that someone (you, parents etc) should have been able to contribute to your education, wastefull spending is no justification for these "harrassing" calls.

You are correct - Federal student loans *do* have extremely low interest rates, and ARE the best type of loan a student can have. However, many schools do not differentiate at the time of signing which type of loan they are having you agree to - legal or not, this is the absolute truth of the matter. In addition, truth in lending laws are regularly suspended when requesting student loans, and interest rates on private school loans are not required to be disclosed until AFTER the paperwork has been signed.

Further, as for an amount that either my parents or myself “should” have been able to contribute to my education… I was 30 years old when I requested the loan - well past the age that my parents income would have been looked at. In addition, I had no job, no income, and owned an 11-year-old Ford Festiva when I signed the papers - I had NOTHING to base an amount on. What sort of “wasteful spending” are you talking about? Rent? Food? Electricity? Am I expected to live out of my car and eat nothing for days on end in order to pay back my loans? I think not. NO ONE should be forced into that type of situation, yet Sallie Mae places thousands of people into similar situations each year, all in the name of “bettering” and “helping” people.

If you borrowed enough money to make a $500 / mo payment your job should reflect that. I borrowed 40k myself make $9/hr and can still find plenty of money to live and pay every bill i have. Stand up be a man and adjust your lavish lifestyle back to normality.

You are able to make it on $9 per hour? And still find plenty of money to live on and pay every bill you have?? REEALLY? Let’s do the math here, bub. Let’s base it on a standard 40 hour work week and see what’s going on here:

$9/hr x 40 hrs x 2 weeks = $720 x 70% (what you’ll keep on avg after taxes) = $504

So, you make a total of $504 every two weeks… An average of $13,104 for the year…

Now, let’s look at interest - we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re annual interest rate on your $40k loan is at 6%. That’s an additional $2400 per year. Let’s say you pay $500 per month for you’re loan. That means at the end of the year, you’ve paid a total of $6000 - $2400 of which is that interest, and the other $3600 in the actual loan. Which is really good, considering. I must say, I have to applaud you - you’ll be out of debt at that rate within 13 years of the original borrowing date - if you continue on and NOTHING causes you to lose your current situation…

Also, if you pay $500 per month for you’re loan, you have a total of $546 each month for everything else. It’s nice living with your parents rent-free, isn’t it… Because that’s what’s going on here. Let’s be honest - even in the cheapest states at this point, rent for a 1 bedroom averages about $300 per month. Even if you have roommates, you still end up paying about $250, if not $350 per month, just for your rent - and then there’s the electricity and food to go along with it.

As for a “lavish” lifestyle, let’s really look at what I own/have vs. what I WANT… I own nothing - or at least, nothing of any real value. I have no car, I have no house, I have no major appliances. I have a computer that is aging into antiquity as I type this, which I had before I got the loan… I have A cell phone with no extra frills because it’s necessary for me to have a way to contact others due to work/baby/bills/family. I have ONE splurge that I give myself every month, which is the cable internet, because I do work from home on occasion, and need the speed.

Did you even READ anything that I’d written about how much I was paying? Or what my interest rate was at the time that I decided to actually DO something about it? They had me sign paperwork with me agreeing to pay on a loan with 18.9% interest! That’s usery, plain and simple. They bent me over, and without even a lick of KY or a drink offer afterwards, Sallie Mae totally screwed me. Just as they have thousands of others.

As for me “standing up” and “being a man”, that would be rather difficult, since I’m a WOMAN - again, if you’d read any of what I’d written, you’d know that. Stupid git.

I would imagine you have used forbearance over and over which has only capitolized your interest probabl doubling your loans by now. Word of advice if you havnt already. START PAYING anything will slowly eat away your debt, may not stop the calls but will obviously help.

Yes, I have used forbearance. I’ve had to… Between not having a job that paid enough to even cover rent for about 5-6 months, and then finally getting myself back onto my feet enough to pay my basic utility bills and rent, Sallie Mae has been routed to the back burner a few times - they didn’t like it, but that’s the way it was. The fact of the matter was (and still is), paying “anything at all” was not going to “slowly” eat away at my debt - not at the interest rate that it was at. I wasn’t even paying a THIRD of the interest rate per year before I got them to re-negotiate and lower it. The level of absurdity both of Sallie Mae, and of your continued diatribe of noxious vomit leave me relatively speechless, and I only continue on with this to help others who I KNOW read this to understand exactly what they’re up against.

As for the calls stopping, that’s easily solved with a threat of a law suit via a faxed letter to their legal and customer service team (see a prior entry at my other blog to find out how). Legally speaking, as a company, Sallie Mae cannot call you more than once every 24 hours on your debt, and cannot call you names, cannot threaten you, cannot threaten your family or work, and cannot otherwise demean you or your character at ANY time, regardless of the amount of money that you owe them. Period. End of story. If they do, and you send them written notice, and they continue, you can sue them for harassment. If you don't believe me, call the feds. I did, and they verified that for me.

You have to prove and "Undue Hardship" to get any legal help for student loans. These loans are created to be given easily to students to get them the knowledge they need to succeed, for that reason they are incredibly hard to dismiss. Your choices are A: Permanent and Total Disability or B: Death.

This falls under the “duh” category. HOWEVER, one thing you forgot to mention is that while student loans were *originally* created to be given easily to students to provide opportunity to increase their potential and succeed in the workplace, the reality is FAR different.

Sallie Mae has made student loans into a multi-billion dollar for-profit business, specializing in the default collection of loans that they themselves, through multiple “bank” names, have provided, at high interest rates and even higher re-payment costs. It is not what those who originally created student loans EVER envisioned, and I’m sure that they are horrified at the knowledge that a company is preying so viciously (not to mention greedily) on people’s lack of knowledge by providing such misleading information like you’re giving here. You have been uncovered, found out, and proven to be a fraud. Try again.

~M

Recovering...

So, this last weekend was filled with up's and down's - literally - at the event.

The event itself (The Gathering) is one that was originally created to thumb their noses at the pointy-hats and drama-llama's in the SCA who held a long-standing event called Egil's. Over the past 7 years, I migrated over from Egil's to The Gathering mostly because others whom I camped with were heading over to it. Over the years, it's moved around to different sites, some good and some not-so-good.

This year's site (and last year's, as well) was held at Horning's Hideout. It reminds me a lot of Pennsic with the rolling hills and muddy roads that you walk along to get from camp area to camp area.

The 40-some-odd peacocks and pea-hens wander throughout the site yelling practically all hours, and wend through your campsite in the early morning looking for leftovers from the night before.

Friday it was slightly damp when we set up camp, but the evening turned fairly nice. The pooper was having someone decide that black powder would be a GREAT thing to bring to the event - and set off - in a cannon... Mind you, I know of at least 3 servicemen who had just (and I mean, within the last 3 weeks) returned from yet another tour in Afghanistan... While the event copy apparently warned that black powder would be at the event, I don't feel that it was appropriate to have it there. We are not black powder enthusiasts. Granted, we stray a bit past what the SCA feels is a period time limit, but we don't do the black powder events... Elizabeth had just gone down for a nap the first time they shot off the cannon... She slept through the first blow, but the 2nd and 3rd blasts had her screaming her little head off. Did I mention they were all of 100 yards away from our tent when they blew it? And we didn't hear a "fire in the hole" warning? Oh, did I also mention that all the servicemen immediately hit the deck and freaked out? Yeah - not pleased. We asked them to move it to another location on the site, which they agreed to.

The fire show apparently went well, and Fred came back and had a good time saying hi to everyone afterwards across the camp. Elizabeth finally calmed down around 8-ish, after she refused to sleep all day (other than the hour ride to the campsite), and slept until 2:30 or 3am when Fred came back to camp.

The next morning she was up around 7am, and had a 20 minute nap in the morning, and about a 30 minute nap in the afternoon... It was the only day it was nice out, and so we slathered her with sun-screen and stripped her down to her diaper since it was too warm for her otherwise. Sat under the trees and enjoyed the breeze coming through. Unfortunately, with so little sleep, she just was not a happy camper, and proceeded to constantly cry and fuss through most of the day. Fred came to the rescue several times, as did others in the camp that we were in, to allow me a few minutes of relaxation and recouperation...

That afternoon, the cannon was again set off, and apparently had been moved BACK down to where they'd originally shot the cannon off the night before... AGAIN, right after I'd put Elizabeth down for a nap. I went down and started yelling, politely. I was told that I should have gotten her ear plugs (a 4-month-old!?!?! in ear plugs!?!?!?!?!?!) and that I should just suck it up and deal with it since the event copy warned that black powder would be here - the final straw was having the woman who obviously had no clue (she was the one who suggested ear plugs) ask loudly as I was leaving why I was bringing a newborn to an event at all, anyway... Hmmm - having a life, since life doesn't stop just because you have a baby, you fiddly little twat. Fred found out, and he went down to yell at them, too... They then were told to go ahead and move it again, or not shoot it off at all, since we weren't the only ones complaining.

That night the fire show was rained out, and Elizabeth was in bed and swaddled by 8:30 or 9. Fred went wandering and I stayed in the encampment and played Tablero, checking on the baby ever 20 minutes or so. I tucked into bed around midnight and Fred came back around 3 again... Baby woke up at 6am - never woke up for her 2am feeding, she was so tired, poor thing.

Fred took her and put her back to bed, where she slept for another 2 hours or so and woke up happy. It rained on and off all day Sunday, and at one point, during a break, I popped her into the snuggli and we went walking through the forest, up through merchant's row, and back down to camp. Got our pictures taken 4 times, her in a cute little viking outfit in light brown fleece. She fell asleep for a bit, then woke up on the way back.

We were early heading to bed with her Sunday - she was just very tired and decided to conk out early, around 7-ish. Fred headed off to the fire show, and I again hung out at camp. I went to bed around 1, and Fred showed up around 2:30-ish. Elizabeth again decided that she wasn't going to wake up for her 2am feeding, and ended up waking up around 6 am or so. We played for a bit, fed and changed her, then I headed up for the car before the rain hit hard again.

Packing out was an adventure as well, since there wasn't a really safe place to put her while both of us were packing up, other than in the carseat in the car. So, that's where she was most of the time. On our way out, she coo'ed happily at the trees, then fell asleep until we got upstairs at the apartment where I fed her again and put her down for a nap.

She woke back up around 7pm, and we had a nice bath, then she pretty much went right back to sleep again, and didn't wake up until 2:30 this morning for her munchies. She woke up happy and quiet this morning at 6, chatting happily at the dragon print in her crib...

So, all in all, not a bad weekend. My back is killing me, but that's due to a mattress not being pumped up again after sleeping on it... I left this morning to a very giggly, happy, but quiet baby. I think she likes the forest.

~M

Hot, hot, hot!

It's been particularly warm in the NW of late. While it doesn't rival Texas or the southwest in the summer, it's definitely warmer than expected in May - and much more muggy.

92 degrees both Friday and Saturday, with high humidity, and in a 2nd story apartment. Saturday was better than Sunday, simply because a lot of the humidity was baked out - but Sunday, at 85, was by far the best for the 3 days we've had so far...

Saturday we finally broke down and installed the air conditioner in Elizabeth's room. Once she figured out what was going on, and had stopped having fits about the heat, she had a pretty good day - though she was very unhappy that we hadn't just moved everything into her room, including us. She was very snuggly this weekend, even with it being so hot, and the air conditioner helped to keep both of us from getting massive heat rashes.

I did tell Fred that with our stimulus check (should we ever receive it) we will be getting 2 more air conditioners, along with the vacuum and the grill we would like to get. We'll see how much we get, though... No sense in spending it before we get it.

This weekend will be the first time we go camping with the baby... Should be interesting. It's supposed to be cooler this weekend, so I can hope that the baby, while excited about the new surroundings, will be comfortable. I'm packing for everything, though, just in case.

~M

Zoo - the aftermath

We went to the zoo on Sunday. While I technically didn't have the extra cash, it was the first really nice day of the season, and I really wanted to go for Elizabeth's first "big adventure"... I should have brought the digital camera, to show her off in different areas of the zoo, but didn't. I honestly didn't even think about it, so dazzled was I with the weather. Sun isn't a common occurance in the spring up here - at least, not lately, so it tends to blast brain cells.

Anyway, the zoo was pretty neat. About half of it is currently under construction to create a new area for the serengheti animals, which should be open next year. Even so, it's still a pretty nice zoo, and was a long enough visit with Elizabeth to make it through without her being overly fussy at all... She fell asleep in my arms at the very end, and I held her through purchasing a giraffe rattle and matching giraffe booties at the gift shop, and then we went home.


On the ride home from the Zoo...


Vampire Baby - she *adores* this rattle.

The really BIG adventure comes Memorial Day weekend, when we'll head 45 minutes away from home to camp for a few days with a couple hundred other people. I'm still debating on whether we will bring the whole travel crib or just the mattress and have a bunch of pillows around for a bumper... We'll see. She's getting to a point where she's arching her back to try and roll over, so we may go for the crib anyway.

~M

It says it all...

I saw this at work the other day while up on the hill, and it just hit the right tickle bone in me.

Honestly, the rest of the flyer was regarding a free head and neck inspection for possible cancers, so that part was rather serious - but the top of the flyer did hold my attention long enough to giggle incoherantly for a good two minutes before I moved on to the rest of it.

It pretty much sums up the week for me. Hopefully life allows you a little bit of humor as well - hey! The sign said it was ok! Besides, if you can't allow at least a little bit of slapstick into your life, you're taking things WAAAY too seriously, and you need to lighten up.

~M

Admitting defeat...

I finally broke down yesterday and got signed up for counselling. I have been fighting with the post-partum for a while now, and I just can't seem to get through it on my own. I know now that I cannot do this without help and, while I *HATE* asking for help, I must do so in order to be healthy for everyone.

The scariest part was admitting to Fred that I was needing it, and why. I would never, ever hurt Elizabeth - not even on my worst days. If things get out of control and frustrating, I simply put her safely into her crib and give myself a 10-minute time out, then try again. Hurting myself, on the other hand, is getting to be a more and more acceptable idea - and that's not good for anyone.

So, I have a phone counselling session today, and I am making appointments for regular visits with a counsellor starting as soon as possible... We shall see. I hope, for everyone's sake, that this works. I don't want to be thrown into the looney bin, or lose Elizabeth. However, I know that I can't do this on my own anymore - and while Fred is great, I need to talk with someone outside the picture this time...

Wish me luck...

~M

Update of sorts...

Well, it's looking like the babysitter crisis has been resolved. We found a nice young gal, recently re-located from Tulsa, OK, whom Elizabeth seems to like a lot, and we both like quite a bit, too. I'm breathing a light sigh of relief, and am lots less stressed.

I've been suffering from stress migraines again. Not happy about it, but am dealing with it. Went to see my primary care dr, and he prescribed some meds to take care of flare-ups. Hopefully won't have to take them too often... So far, have only had to take one, and the rest of them have been managed with Excedrin and meditation, which is good.

Elizabeth is growing like a weed. She's now over 13 lbs, and over 24" long!

Chuck Norris' Total Gym has nothing on my kid! I have incrementally increasing weight loads, difficulty ratings are increased or decreased based on wiggliness, and it even comes with it's own cheering section (she screams at me if I'm not moving fast enough - LOL). Why have a home gym?

Mom came down this last weekend to visit, and bring a christening gown with her that's been in our family for over 100 years. I will be scanning in a few pics and putting them up when we have time. Elizabeth looked absolutely beautiful in it, and decided almost immediately that she needed to eat it.

We are currently starting to get ready for the tourney season, and have found that we need a few more things prior to actually heading out - another lamp or two, and another two heaters, one for Elizabeth's room, and one for the main room of the tent. Also, at least 2 if not 3 chairs to sit in, and I wouldn't mind a table... Looking at Ebay for stuff, and will also be heading to local Goodwills and the like to (hopefully) find stuff...

~M

Hellish week already...

And it's not even the end of the first day yet...

First off, we had to track down the babysitter again yesterday to make sure she was going to be there today... And found out that she was sick and couldn't make it - again. Tried to get in touch with Angst, my god-daughter, who helped us out last week, and found out she was sick, too.

Thankfully, found out that the babysitter's mom was willing to take the Lizard for the day, which was helpful. Thankfully she picked her up by 8:15, and got me to a closer bus stop so I could make it to work on time.

Get to work, and every psycho in the local city area decides to get on my phone and call me, and I find out that the position that I've applied for here in the call center is not going to be filled anytime soon - apparently they have the idea that they can fill it with others for a while...

I decide to open my yahoo mail, and find out that the babysitter had emailed me yesterday at 4pm, and let me know that she had gotten an email from her vocational rehab counselor and was told she needed to sign up with a temp agency as soon as she was well, and that basically I'd better find someone else because she wouldn't be able to do it anymore.

I haven't heard back from Angst yet, but am not hopeful that she will be able and/or willing to help us. I also don't know what else to do at this point besides completely panic and fall down in a heap of tears. I have a possible option, but it's most likely a short-term fix, if it goes through at all.

On top of that, DHS is not going to be assisting us at all - we gross too much money. Which reminds me, I need to have Fred head to the courthouse and fill out paperwork to reduce his child support payment so that hopefully we can afford someone...

I think I've reached the end of my rope with stress, though...

~M

It's been a week...

The work scene has been pretty steadily filled with the flotsom that comes through my phone on a regular basis: namely people who don't know why they've made an appointment, don't know who they made the appointment with, and can't remember the date and/or the time of said appointment - and they want me to find all of this out for them. It's sad, honestly, to know that there are that many wasted pieces of carbon out there.

Had another face-to-face interview on Wednesday. I think it went pretty well, but I didn't get a vibe either one way or another about whether I'd get the job. We'll see. If I do, I'm jumping on it. It's totally different from what I'm doing, and something that I know I'd be good at, given the chance. If I don't get it, well... I've applied for the lead position. I know, I'm nuts - BUT, it would mean less child care, a little more money, and a little less time on the phones, which would be nice. I might actually make a small smidgeon of a difference...

Elizabeth continues to go through short growth spurts. She hits one about every other week at this point, and has grown a good 1.5", and about 7-10 oz, making her well over 10 lbs at this point. She has a dr's appointment on the 7th for her 2 month check-up, so we'll get "official" stats at that point. She had her first bath in the bathtub last night, instead of in her little tub-lette. I decided I needed to take a bath, and by the time I realized it was fairly late, the water was a perfect temperature. So, had Fred bring her in, undress her, and plop her into the water with me. She wasn't sure what to think of it - she couldn't touch the sides, and couldn't figure out how her little tub-lette had gotten so large, and how I'd managed to get into it with her. *chuckle* She liked the water, though, and liked the fact that I was there, in the water, the whole time with her, holding her. I think she's going to do just fine in pools.

As for myself, I've been getting headaches pretty much every day this week. I don't know what it is that I'm either doing, or not doing, but I get them on the right side of my head, right behind my eyeball. I'm thinking it's my glasses. I've needed a new pair for a good 2 years, so I'm going to call Monday and see about making an appointment to get my eyes checked and get new glasses. My plan is eventually to get lasik surgery, since I get a discount for working at the hospital. I have to say, some of the perks are great.

Fred got his driver's permit today. Raistlin is going to take him out driving either this weekend or next... I'm actually rather excited about the prospect of Fred driving. It'll be nice to occasionally have him take the wheel, once he gets confident enough to drive with others in the car. I'm not expecting it take very long for him to get to that point.

Fred took Jazzy back to the Humane Society today, as I had to work. They offered us a credit toward another animal if we choose one within the next 90 days. I said we'd see, and perhaps later next month we will go back and take a look. They said if Jazzy is adopted again and is returned for the same issues again, they may deem her un-adoptable, which would mean they put her down. I can only hope that the letter I wrote about her, and what I feel would be a good fit for her, will help her find a good place to be. She has so much love to give, and if I was alone, I'd be a good match for her, I have no doubt.

Other than that, not much is going on... I'm exhausted, so I think I'm going to head to bed.

~M

One Ringy-Dingy...

One of my all-time favorite skits ended up being this one. The most amusing part is that I now *am* a switchboard operator.

Enjoy...

~M

general meanderings...

So, Elizabeth is still having colic - big surprise, there. It's possible she has what is called generally as "sluggish colon", which would explain the gas, fussiness, and her general attitude toward being held (wanna, wanna, wanna be comforted all the time, mama! Make it feel better!!).

I've gotten something called "Colic Calm", which is supposed to help all of these things. I ordered it for a few reasons, not the least of which is the alternate suggestions on the site on how to deal with intestinal gas issues without taking their product. I like that. No touting that this is the "only" thing that will work for the baby, etc. So, yeah, it's a little expensive, but also has a money-back guarantee, so there's that, too.

She was so tired last night she slept for 5 hours, waking up finally at around 2:45 for a feeding. I was awake, vaguely, at midnight to turn the swing back on, but she was sleeping soundly and didn't start fussing until 2:40. She was a sloppy noodle girl at that point, not wanting to wake up, but wanting to be changed and fed. So, changed her, then fed her. She fell asleep after one boob and giving a great triple burp, then woke up about an hour later for the other one.

We woke up around an hour ago, and changed and fed again, this time refusing to burp at all... She fell asleep for about 30 minutes, and is now being held by Daddy as he plays Command and Conquer. She dozes in his arms most times, and stares at him as he explains what he's doing. She likes how deep his voice is. It's cute.

Today I have an interview at 1pm up at the hospital. I'm really hoping that, now new people have been hired, my boss will allow me to leave. I have a horrible feeling that there has been negative feedback from her to potential new supers to try and keep me at the call center. In talking with others, I've found she did this before, too... And, I found out that one of the better employees got canned yesterday. I have no idea why. They claim it was because of poor performance. The gal didn't have NEARLY the poor performance of at least two people I can think of off the top of my head. But, that's why I'm not in charge and the dork is... *sigh*

Next Tuesday I have a dr's appointment for my 6-week postpartum check up and an IUD insertion... I was smart and kept one oxycodone aside for said insertion, as it can cause some major cramps. Wednesday I go back to work, which I'm not pleased about, but there you have it. While she drives me nuts, I've actually enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom for the last 6 weeks. The house hasn't gotten too bad, I've managed to keep my sanity (mostly), and I actually feel pretty good most days, as long as I can get out and go walking with Elizabeth three times a week. Unfortunately, I don't get paid to be a stay-at-home mom, so I have to head back.

Our tax refund from the Feds showed up, so now it's time to pay the state. Yippee. I'll cut the check to them this weekend. It was less than we had hoped it would be, but enough for us to have a very little left after paying the state.

There's a list of things which needs to get done this weekend, so it should be pretty busy for both Fred and I. Hopefully Elizabeth will cooperate and allow us to get most of it done.

Last but not least, we are taking the cat back to the Humane Society. Unfortunately, she is simply so jealous of both Fred and the baby that she is urinating and defecating on everything in her path outside her box - regardless of whether said box is clean or dirty. We cannot seem to break her of this, and I cannot have her doing this. She's peed on Elizabeth's play mat, my Afghanistan rug, Fred's clothing, poo'd on the couch, and both peed and poo'd in front of the sliding glass door repeatedly. So, that's it. We knew it was a 50/50 shot as to whether she'd be a good fit (no prior history other than she was abandoned by her previous owners), and at the HS, she seemed to really like Fred. But, she's just gotten more and more skittish and reclusive since she moved in with us, and has taken to occasionally attacking Fred. Hasn't attacked the baby - yet - and I'm not going to let her get the chance. Even the feline pheremone hasn't helped any. I believe her best bet is to find an older, single woman who lives by herself with no other pets, who either works part time or is retired.

Anyway, that's pretty much all there is to report at this point.

~M

Patterns may be emerging...

I hate daylight saving time. I always end up feeling as though someone slipped me something drastic to sleep, and I'll never catch up again. This is the only time I envy those living in Arizona.

In other news - we may actually have a pattern settling in with Elizabeth. I'm very cautiously optimistic about it, but it's looking as though she is going to cooperate regarding going to sleep by 10pm, and letting me stay asleep for about 2-3 hours at a time. We've only had issues when people have come over and stayed past around 7-8pm, because she's convinced she has to be awake for all of it, too. And/or, that if she was asleep during that time, she has to make up for it later by being awake and fussy.

Today I am going to attempt to do a load of dishes, and finish organizing and baby-proofing under the sinks. Can't do much else, since I can't really haul her around while doing laundry (the room is at the other end of the building), and can't leave her here while I head over to do said laundry. I was going to do that yesterday, but ended up sitting around instead. I don't *NEED* to do laundry, but the smaller loads are easier to handle.

The sink in the kitchen and large bathroom are already done. I got the baby cabinet locks, but wanted something in addition, just in case. So, got some tall storage boxes with lids to put the cleaners and things in, both to tidy up everything and have one more obstacle to place in Elizabeth's way, in case she decides she needs to get into the cupboards and manages to do so. I'm also re-organizing the bathroom shelves, and putting things away there. I already re-organized her clothes drawers, and got rid of the stuff that she's already grown out of. She's now over 10 lbs, and has grown at least 1.5 inches! I had to adjust her car seat already!

Anyway, other than that, not much to report. Going to get something to eat, then get Elizabeth changed and fed, then hopefully start on some dishes...

~M

Portrait of a Lizard...

I figured I'd share a few photos of the Lizard here, for those few who do read my blog. Enjoy!

SIDS and crying babies...

In one of my last posts, some coward decided to post anonymously that allowing Elizabeth to have a cry, after seeing to her physical needs, was selfish and that crying babies were more at risk for SIDS...

Thankfully, I have more sense than some people, and while I already KNEW that babies who cry are NOT going to die of SIDS, I looked up the specific information on it, in case Mr/Ms Anonymous decides to come back for a second attempt at trying to scare me...

The Mayo Clinic has a fairly comprehensive article on the subject, as well as possible indicators on how to help avoid it. Understand, however, that it will not completely safeguard your child from the issue - but following the guidelines will help keep your child safer.

~M

Not just blue...

I am in full-blown post-pardum depression, with extra sauce on the side... I'm going to be talking with a counsellor as soon as I can get in touch with one (which most likely will be on Monday), so that I can get through this. The last thing we need is a psychotic moi wandering around; hard to get me to help with the dishes or the baby when I'm busy having a cry over nothing.

I seem to be able to hold up most of the week, but by Friday or Saturday, I am exhausted at trying to hold everything together - and I totally crack. Elizabeth being a fair amount more fussy than a lot of babies I've dealt with in the past does not help matters - not that it's her fault, it's just one of those extra straws that is packed onto an already overloaded camel.

Fred is doing everything that he can do, but I know that it's difficult on him. I don't do well with people leaking all over, and neither does he. I have been trying very hard to keep from crying all over the place, but it seems to hit overload about mid-weekend.

Wish me luck with the counselling...

~M

Someone quick! Get me my walker!

Yes, it's official - I'm now 34 years old... and feeling every second of it at the moment - and then some. I'm sure that it has something to do with having a newborn 14 days prior to my birthday...

Fred and I are continuing to survive - barely - with Elizabeth's demands. She is learning that Mommy isn't going to pick her up every time she cries, and neither will Daddy. She's also learning, however, that she will get fed pretty well on time, and Mommy will not let her starve - no matter how much she thinks otherwise.

We're also working on getting her to see that sleeping during the day by herself is not going to kill her, and neither is not getting constant snuggles from Mommy - not that Mommy doesn't do the snuggles, anyway... I have to say, I do love new baby smell, and she has such soft downy hair that it's nigh irresistable to snuggle with her whenever she reaches out to me and demands it.

I'm beginning to get more relaxed into the role of Mama. It's been a difficult transition, since I started off with very little experience in that department and topped it off with knowing that we'd almost lost her at one point due to birth complications. I'm reminding myself daily that I don't *need* to rescue her each second she's not in my arms, that she's ok, and that she'll survive a few minutes more without me - as long as I'm nearby and can rescue her when she really does need it. For instance, currently, I am allowing her a good 6-minute cry on our bed while I update my blog. I have fed and changed her, and the sounds she's making means she's bored and wants me to entertain her. So, she's learning that Mommy isn't always going to entertain her whenever she wants...

She's still really gassy, but her pediatrician says she's doing fine, and is looking good. She gained another 3 oz from last Wednesday, so we're pretty well good to go with her weight gain after the loss of weight in the hospital.

Other than that, nothing more to report - I'm still needing to do taxes, and get a nursing bra... The two that I have are not going to cut it in the long run, and none of my other bras are going to cut it at all for nursing... Perhaps this weekend I can drag Fred out or leave Elizabeth with him and head out for a few hours on my own...

~M

fast update...

I'm heading out today to show off the punchkin (daddy's nickname for her) to the work folk, and to the DMV (conveniently located next door to said work) to get my license renewed. Tomorrow being my birthday, I have today and tomorrow left to do it, and tomorrow we spend the day up on Pill Hill again for her appoinment and then mine.

And I have an attack of tummy ickies that may actually rival Elizabeth's today... Should make for a fun time for all... ugh.

~M

Catching up...

So, Happy Valentines Day to all. I finally have the time to update here just a bit. As I'm sure you all already know, I am now "officially" a Mommy - at least, if you read Fred's blog, you do.

Things started out so quietly on February 5th. I woke up, got dressed and ready for the non-stress test for the day, and looked at my overnight bag thinking "Well, I *could* take it, but most likely nothing is going to happen, and I will see Meg [my ob] today anyway, so we'll figure it will be either tomorrow or Thursday at the latest." and headed out the door with a mental list of what needed to be done after I got out of the hospital... Pick up pizza from Papa Murphy's, head home, do dishes, fold laundry, clean bedroom a bit...

I get hooked up to the monitors and within 10 minutes am asked by the nurse in Fetal Monitoring "Did you feel that contraction?"

"No. I mean, I feel something, but I figured they were latent contractions, just like normal - I've had them for the last 2-3 weeks. Why?"

"Well, we have what we call a latent dip in the baby's heart rate. So, you've just earned a spot in Labor & Delivery. I'll call someone to escort you over."

So, off I waddle to L & D, sure that this is yet another 4 hours of watching paint dry, where they will then call Meg and have her schedule me for tomorrow for an induction.

I get in, get changed into a fabulously fashionable hospital gown and get plopped into bed, where I'm strapped once again into the monitors and am told to get some oxygen. I call my doula and have her come up - she lives about an hour aaway, so I figured that calling her would be a good idea first, since most likely Fred could get there faster, even from across town.

I called Fred when they started having me sign paperwork and strapping admitting tags onto my wrist. Rather, I called Brad, Fred's boss, and calmly informed him that he needed to figure out a way to get Fred over to the hospital since it looked like they were admitting me and we were going to be having a baby sometime soon. Brad was more tongue-tied than I had expected, and had I not been slightly nervous, I would have found it more amusing at the time.

The doula showed up just in time to hear the doctors saying that they wanted to see about doing a contraction stress test on the baby to see if she would be able to handle a vag birth. The "latent dip" apparently is caused when baby's heart rate drops AFTER the contraction - which is not what they want to see. They want to see it increase just prior, and go back to normal afterwards. So, enter the dreaded Petosin IV drip.

Now, by now, I'm noticing that no one seems to be talking with anyone else, and no one, not even my doula, is mentioning ANYTHING about my birth plan at all. My brain is so out of whack at this point I can't seem to remember anything - which was why I had a doula in the first place - I wanted someone who could say "Uh, excuse me guys, but she has a birth plan, could we try and follow it for a bit, please?".

The Petosin drip goes for about an hour or so and we get a favorable response from the baby. By this time, Fred has arrived, after a quick detour to our house to get the overnight bag. The nurses turn the Petosin drip off, and one of the doctors decides to use a foley cath to dialate me further than the 1-1.5 cm's that I'm still at. My cervix is also still fairly high at this point, so they're hoping that with a foley, it will clue the cervix into dropping and dialating properly.

I am, however, not allowed to walk - or even sit up. They want to monitor the baby, they say, and they want to hook me back up to the Petosin... I don't want the Petosin, I want to walk, thank-you-very-much.

At this point, my room finally is available and I'm offered the chance to walk down to it. I grab it, and say Hell and Yes, I want to walk down. But first I need to use the bathroom. As I'm getting up, they look at me and say,

"Did they mention that the foley will fall out?"

"NO! What do you mean, it's going to fall out?!"

"Well, once you're dialated about 3-4 cm's, it will drop out on it's own. It's supposed to. It's ok."

Less alarmed, I nod, and head to the bathroom. I end up gently blowing my nose and the cath pops out unceremoniously... I think to myself that I hope I didn't do something horrible, and pull off the rest of the cath tube and place it in the sink, since nurses seem to like to check these sorts of things for measurements and all kinds of junk.

I let them know that yes, it came out, and I now have a bit of bloody show. I then head down to the L & D room they have for me (about twice as big as the one I had been in) and change into the gown I'd made for the birth - pretty much set up exactly the same as a hospital gown, just that it actually FITS, and it's made of a linen/poly blend that will launder quite well regardless - and it's soft.

They check to see how far I'm dialated, and sure enough, it's 4 cm's - but I'm still not effacing. SO, the doctor decides that we need to break the waters to get me fully effaced. I ask if I'm going to be able to walk after that, since I wanted to, and that was part of my birth plan, and she says "Yes, no problem, of COURSE you can walk."

They break the waters, which I must say, is one of the oddest sensations in the world... And then the doctor turns around and hooks me back up to Petosin - WHY, I don't know. She doesn't explain it to me, and again, my doula doesn't step up and say "Uh, she would like to walk for a bit - is that ok? You know, let gravity do it's job?". She just sits there, and rubs oil on my belly.

The contractions are coming along at this point about 1-2 every 2 minutes or so. They aren't overly steady and they don't want to stay a certain length. They also don't always allow for rest time in between. One of the problems with Petosin...

They're still monitoring me and I'm still asking about being allowed up and walking - or even standing - or even sitting on a birthing ball... ANYTHING. I'm told that I can't, because they need to monitor the baby while I'm hooked to the Petosin, and they don't want to remove the Petosin or the monitor at this point because the baby is now showing signs of a negative variable heart-rate. I'm thinking, "Well, sure - because if you were stuck in a small room that was contracting and stretching similar to that of the death-star trash compactor scene in Star Wars, you'd be having a negative variable heart-rate, too!".

Suddenly, the contractions change in intensity from fairly harsh but bearable to bone-shattering and pelvis-crushing pain. I knew at that point something was not going according to anybody's plan, least of all mine, and it was all I could do to not scream at them to just unhook me and leave me the fuq alone. The Petosin drip was up to 14 at that point, and there was no rest in between any of these. I finally broke down sobbing and asked for an epidural because I just couldn't handle the pain anymore - I hadn't been listened to for a good 4-5 hours so I was surprised when they came in and almost immediately got one for me.

Fred, at this point, was livid. Not only was his wife in pain, but the doctors (there were 4 of them wending in an out) refused to listen to either her or each other - all of them had a different idea of what needed to happen, and they all felt it necessary to tell me in the midst of a contraction - or ask me a question. On top of that, he was trying to hold my hand and be there for me, and the doula was effectively physically blocking his access to me at all - I was completely unaware at that point of anything other than hands and the pain, so I was no help whatsoever. I know I was being asked to make decisions, but I can't remember what was asked or what decision I made - even now.

All of a sudden, about 8-10 minutes after the epidural was put in, I was surrounded by 8 people, and my bed started moving. Fred apparently was told by all 4 of the doctors AND the doula, consecutively, that they were needing to go in for an emergency c-section. No one would be allowed in other than the doctors and nurses, so both doula and Fred were relegated to just outside the doors to wait for an outcome. It was around 12:40 in the morning at this point.

All I remember is that I couldn't breathe, and felt totally lethargic everywhere. I remember getting onto the operating table, and then having a small mask placed over my face. I can remember being sort of panicked, but then being completely calm almost immediately afterwards, and then I don't remember anything until 2:30 when I woke up again. Fred was there, and I could see a squirmy, wiggleworm being held by the L & D nurse across the room. Fred headed over, got the wiggling mass, and brought it over to me, and there was my Elizabeth.

I have to say, it was a rather emotional, yet anti-climactic time for me. I had so hoped for a vag birth, but instead I missed everything - I didn't even get to be awake for the c-section. It was when the nurse came over with the umbilical cord that I truly understood what had gone on. Apparently, during her 9 month stay within me, she'd managed to tie the cord into a knot, either at the placental side or the belly side (we aren't sure which - they didn't specify). Combined with the cord wrapped around her neck twice, she simply couldn't get oxygen while the contractions were forcing her down the birth canal - it was impossible because the knot would contract and shut down the flow. Even had they not given me the Petosin and allowed me to walk, I still would have had to have a c-section.

At 3am, I was awake enough to hold her, and we tried breast-feeding for the first time. She latched on like a pro, and I barely had to do anything other than just sit there and enjoy her presence.

I stayed in the hospital for 4 days, being poked, prodded, and generally annoyed by the nurses. Elizabeth was also poked, prodded and generally annoyed by the nurses, and showed almost immediately that she has my lungs and Daddy's temper.

Mom made it down to help out from Thursday morning through yesterday. She helped put the house in order for my return, then helped me get settled in and sorted into the feeding/changing/napping mode that it looks like we'll be having for a while.

I am off for a total of 6 weeks, unless something happens and I need more time off. Currently, I have an infection in my incision that the doctors are looking at carefully. Tomorrow I go in to have them look again. I got onto antibiotics, but the wound is still oozy and warm to the touch in comparison to other areas, so I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be re-opened to a certain degree to get everything out, and then we will start the ostomy care (basically packing and prodding it until it heals properly). The good news is that if I get my tummy tuck, the scar may mostly go away anyway... besides, I don't wear a two-piece, so I'm not too worried about it.

Elizabeth lost 8-9 oz in the hospital (typical), and is now gaining it back in lightning speed. Her pediatrician met her for the first time yesterday and remarked how good she looked. No jaundice, no real issues, weight is up, and she's looking good. In a temper, but looking good.

She eats every 1-2 hours right now during the day, and at night every 3-4 hours, depending on how hungry she is. On top of that, I'm expressing, in order to have enough on hand just in case. She has decided that the formula that we had been supplimenting her with in the hospital (she drained me of colostrum within the first 32 hrs) is not what she wants. Makes her extremely gassy and fussy anyway. So, we're breast-feeding only, which is fine.

She really does honestly smile, and giggles and smirks at things occasionally in her sleep. Her tear ducts are also fully functional, as we have found when she gets into a full-blown mad. She cries her little eyes out, tears pouring everywhere. She loves to snuggle my breasts, and will, if allowed, sleep on them and pet them with a hand, a little half-smile on her face.

Fred presented me with a dozen rozes and some little mini tiger-lilies for Valentine's Day... as well as to commemorate Elizabeth's birth. I'd told him that I didn't want diamonds or jewelry or anything like that to celebrate her birth - just a rose. That's all. He's just the sweetest man in the whole world. :-)

Fred is taking to being a newborn's daddy like a duck to water. He is fabulous with her, even at 2am when she's on a mad that's so high-gear that she stiffens her little body up and lets loose a scream that would have Billy Idol hang it all up and try for mime. We're both doing fairly well with everything, considering neither of us have a ton of experience (though I have less than Fred does).

My back is still killing me, but I think it's just going to be a matter of time until everything settles in. Meanwhile, Ibuprofin and acetamenaphin will be my friends - as will stretching.

Off to feed the baby again! it's now noon...

~M

Waiting, and hoping, and praying....

Had another non-stress-test (NST) on Friday, and this time Elizabeth acted just as I thought she would - we chased her around my belly for a good 7-10 minutes before we caught her, and then she proceeded to try and bounce the monitors off of me one by one, by way of kicking them violently.

Both the ultrasound and the monitoring showed a healthy, comfy baby, so there's no real cause for stress, other than the fact that she hasn't decided to come out yet.

There was some stress on Thursday, however. Tuesday's monitoring and ultrasound were delivered to my OB, Meg, by hand BY ME, and there was no indication that there was anything even remotely wrong at all. Meg told me not to worry, that if I didn't have the baby by Tuesday, we'd meet, and set up everything for induction either Wednesday or Thursday - no issues, no fuss, no muss.

So, when my phone rings on Thursday, I figure it's just a call to remind me of my NST. Instead, I get the following:

"Hi! This is Julie with Dr B's office (the Dr I saw while Meg was out of town - ONCE). She just wanted me to let you know that she'd reviewed your ultrasound from Tuesday, and we wanted to make sure you knew you had an abnormally large baby for her gestational age - but then, you can probably feel that, can't you..."

"Uhhh," I answer intelligently, confused, "Yeah - well, I talked with Meg about the ultrasound on Tuesday, and she said everything was fine."

"Oh. Well, Dr B just felt you needed to know about the size. Have a great day!"

click.

Now, first off, why is another Dr reviewing my ultrasound/charts and not consulting with my assigned Dr PRIOR to actually having someone call me? And why was it that Meg felt there was no issue, while Dr B felt that there was? Was something wrong? Did the information not get entered correctly? Did I not understand something? Am I going to have to have a c-section? What the hell is going on?

So, I call the clinic back and ask that Meg's nurse call me with an explaination. 3 hours later, no call back, so I call again. This time I *DO* get a call back, and the nurse is someone I haven't talked to before (Kiki is the person I normally see with Meg, I have no idea who this gal is, other than her name is Nicole). I explain what happened with the phone call, and Nicole's response is:

"Oh, well sometimes mistakes happen. I wouldn't worry about it."

"No, I *am* worried about it. I'm a week past due at this point, and I want to know why another Dr would A. be reviewing my records when *my* OB is in, and why they would then proceed to inform me something that is completely opposite of what my OB told me less than two days ago."

"Well, it's possible that Dr B got your ultrasound by mistake and reviewed it instead of Meg..."

"Now, why would that happen, when it was ME who hand-delivered the ultrasound results to Meg on Tuesday?"

"Uh... well, as I said, sometimes mistakes just happen. Obviously the call to you was a mistake - I would simply ignore it."

"I don't think so. You now have a fairly hysterical pregnant woman on the phone, past due with her first baby. I want to find out from Meg what's going on. She told me on Tuesday that there was nothing to worry about, and if I hadn't had the baby by next Tuesday, we would induce. Now, I'm being told that I have an abnormally large baby, and I don't know what that means." (tears of frustration and stress are now running down my face as I'm trying to keep from screaming at her at the top of my lungs)

"Well... I suppose I could talk with Meg and find out if the plans have changed, and if they have, then I can call you back... But I honestly don't feel that this is something necessary."

"Well, let's have Meg decide what's necessary and what isn't, shall we? So, you go ahead and talk with Meg and call me if there are any changes to the last plans we'd set up."

"Fine. I'll talk with Meg, and I'll call you if anything has changed."

No one has called, so I can only assume one of two things has happened - either there were no changes to the plans, or the nurse blew me off, hoping I simply wouldn't call back. Either way, it was a crap-tastic day on Thursday.

Mum sent down some moolah to help with the baby. I've been approved for FMLA, but I am not sure how that's going to work, other than I won't be dinged for time off. So, we have rent and food and some of the bills covered, at the least. Mum herself may not be able to make it down until March, since there is NEW drama in my sister's life, causing Mum to have to be there to take care of the 3-yr-old while Mel heads over to Ellensburg for retraining. Don't ask - that's another entry all inof itself, and I just don't feel the energy...

All in all, it's been pretty uneventful. I'm in pain when I walk at this point - all my pelvis wants is a different body - as does my lower back. My knee has now decided to join the fun, which makes it really fun to walk anywhere. We went shopping today, and I almost lost it a few times on people who simply couldn't care less about where they were going, what they were doing, or whether they were blocking the entire aisle or not. I hate going shopping.

Found out I got everything I needed, but now I need a separate freezer to keep everything in. *chuckle* Had to jerry-rig a few things to keep everything in the freezer without the door popping open.

Tonight is gaming, with dinner being served at 7pm. Sloppy joes. MMMMmmmm.

~M

Sleepy? Nay, rather exhausted, honestly.

I have taken the last 3 days off work due to the added physical stresses that Elizabeth, not to mention a rather nasty sinus infection, has decided to provide me. I've had mild but constant contractions for most of the last week, after Monday and Tuesday having some really GREAT ones for about 5 hours apiece - only to have them die down to nothing within 20 minutes or so. *sigh*

I've pretty well been sleeping the whole time, and I can only think that apparently I'm bank-rolling up time for the future, where I won't be able to sleep much at all. Those times I haven't been sleeping, I've been puttering around the house, sort of cleaning. Avoided the computer like the plague, and the phone, and haven't been horribly sociable, either.

Another thing that has been a thorn in my side is listening to the comments from those at work (yet another reason why I wouldn't want to go back at this point), about what's going on with the pregnancy... In one day, I heard from no less than 7 people in my department (and on that day, there were only 12 of us on the floor) "Gee, you STILL haven't had that baby yet?"

No, fuq'ers, I still haven't had the @$#%$#%$#@ baby yet. Does it LOOK like I've had the #$%$#%$##@ baby yet?! Honestly. My belly is so far out there that I am wearing the same size now that I had been at my heaviest prior to weight loss surgery, my back has decided that it's going to permanently bend itself into a compound bow shape, and my abdomen feels as though I have the world's worst hernia happening... What do YOU think I'm doing?

Makes one tempted to say "Yes, I had the baby, but I liked the shape so much I had an implant put in - it wiggles on command! Here's your sign..."

Tomorrow I spend all day up on pill hill in 3 separate appointments. First we get to stare at the baby for about an hour or so via ultrasound, to see whether she passes all 8 of her reflex tests. Then I go back in about 2 hours later and they do a "non-stress-test" fetal monitor, where they will hook up a heart-rate monitor to my belly and get a 25 minute strip of good, solid heartbeat - at least, that's the plan. Then finally, I have my OB appointment, where, hopefully, the results will be favorable to simply start things going via the wonders of modern medicine, and my OB will take pity on my poor self.

Now, mind you, I believe I have mentioned before that Elizabeth **HATES** to be monitored at all. She will scratch, kick, bump, wiggle away, and generally be a pain in the ass to all monitoring devices. I already explained to her several times if she didn't want to be monitored, she'd best get out now, so she doesn't have to deal with it. She gets agitated enough and she gets the hiccups, which then repeatedly (and rapidly) expands and contracts my belly while she bumps her little bottom into me and wiggles in outrage. The only way I have found to stop the hiccups is to pat her gently but firmly on her little bottom for about 2-3 minutes to calm her down. I'm pretty sure that she's ready to come out, and I *know* that I'm ready to have her come out - if only to stop the hiccup ride from happening yet again.

Tomorrow is also Fred's birthday... I was born on my father's birthday, so I will say it would be kind of cool to have Elizabeth born on HER daddy's birthday as well... She's already got his temper and sense of humor (obviously), so why not just go for the whole shebang? *chuckle* I think I'm more than wishful in this.

I did get to a point this weekend where I simply didn't care all that much about any of it at all. I was tired, having mild (but solid) contractions, and had a sinus headache. It was the most relaxed I've felt in a while, which is saying something... I'm not sure what, but it definitely said something. LOL.

So, keep your fingers crossed for me, and hope that soon, I will have a wiggly thing in my arms rather than still stuffed inside.

~M

All out of virtues...

They say that patience is a virtue... Unfortunately, I apparently do not have much, and what little I have normally is pretty well exhausted at this point.

Baby Elizabeth is still not out, and I am totally over the novelty of being pregnant and big as a house. Baby, however, is perfectly happy to stay inside until it's time for her college interviews, apparently. I feel like she's sitting so low she's between my knees, and I can't even get out to walk faster than a slow stroll.

Friday found me falling completely apart, and Fred had to go out to get me Excedrin PM, as suggested by both my OB and my PT. Turns out, I hadn't gotten more than about 4-5 hours of actual sleep in about 4-5days, which meant that I was totally exhausted and unable to function. I couldn't make any decisions whatsoever, and the only thing I was capable of doing was leaking (crying) everywhere and being incoherent.

After a few hours of E-pm induced sleep, I was feeling better, and could actually be social again with Fred and the cat. That night, I took another dose, and was able to sleep for a good 8 hours - 4 in bed and 4 on the couch (I've had to change venues in sleeping half-way through so I can get comfy). Saturday found me with no pain for the first time in months. Incredible.

So, at this point, we're just waiting. I'm now 50% effaced, possibly a bit more, but am still only dialated 1.5 cm (unless THAT'S changed, too). I don't have any further OB appointments, which everyone says is odd, so I need to call the clinic tomorrow and find out if I was supposed to make further appointments, or whether they were just going to have me go in when they called... I hit the 40 week mark on this upcoming Friday... Should make for an interesting weekend...

~M

On the way...

As of today, actually... I went to physical therapy thinking nothing more about the pregnancy other than "Gee, I wonder when this whole contraction thing is going to start in..." Little did I know.

I got massaged by my therapist, then went over to say hello to an old co-worker of mine who works in a different department now. I was only there a few minutes, and when I went to get up, I turned apparently ashen and almost fell down. I also had this weird tighening sensation that would not let up, and couldn't breathe.

Linda took one look at me and had me go back to the clinic and ask to see the nurse there. I did so, and after looking at me for a few minutes, they sent me up to Labor and Delivery.

Now, I knew that Elizabeth was NOT going to be arriving today. Not by a long shot. But, I was worried that something could be wrong, since this was not a "normal" reaction to simply getting up - at least, not for me.

They strapped me into a monitoring device, set another device to hear baby's heartbeat, and proceeded to have me sit there for a good 15 minutes. The nurse came back and looked up on the screen, then said...

"Oh! Well, you're having contractions about every 3-5 minutes."
"I am?" I said... I'd had no idea - they didn't feel painful, just pressure, building up and then releasing.
"Yup. Here comes another one..."
I concentrated for once on what my body was actually doing, rather than spacing off like I normally do, and this time felt a mild, though annoying, burning/shooting pain coming up my groin and into my abdomen, as well as across my back toward my sides and up my spine.

"Oh..." I said, "So THAT'S what they feel like... Good to know."

We proceeded to go back and forth monitoring the baby and changing my position slightly to try and alleviate pressure on my tailbone for about 4 hours. Watching paint dry would have been more interesting, if only because paint at least changes color as it dries.

Elizabeth showed her immediate distaste of the entire monitoring situation by first trying to kick the monitor off her. Then, when that didn't work, she tried scratching it and/or rolling away from it. When that didn't work, either, she realized I was on my back, so she snuck into my belly cavity and hid away from it like a little submarine. I had warned them that she didn't like to be monitored, and she had an attitude, but they didn't believe me until they actually SAW what she was doing.

At one point she got so agitated that she got the hiccups again. That got a round of giggles from the nurse and the doctors. Of course, by the end of the 3rd hour, my contractions had pretty well stopped, since I hadn't been moving for 3 hours... Dammit.

The exam conclusion was yes, I'm in labor, no nothing is serious at this point, and yes I'm dialated, but only about 1-2 cm's - certainly too small to do anything with at this point. So, I'm walking lots, drinking lots of raspberry tea, and following up with more walking. Tomorrow I'm walking the pool again, if she hasn't decided to take matters into her own hands and have me go further into labor than I already am...

I went shopping this evening for all the groceries I think we'll need for a little bit - wanted to make sure that Fred had food, and that I would have food as well if she went ahead of schedule and I was too pooped to go to the store afterwards. We also picked up a few weeks worth of disposables just in case, as well as baby wipes, bath stuff, and some nursing pads and the OTHER pads... So, we should be mostly ok at this point... We'll see.

~M

On to the ricockulous...

Because it's beyond ridiculous...

Got a text message from my mother yesterday informing me that she hoped the baby would be late, as she wouldn't be able to get away and come down until at least the 8th of Feb, and would only be able to stay until the 15th...

I'm inclined to tell her not to even bother.

Honestly, I'm not sure she understands that I'm even *in* the family at this point... She's so wrapped up with taking care of my sister and her kids - that's why she can't get away. Mel can't seem to keep her 15-year-old under a modicum of control and personally responsible for herself and her actions, and "can't" find a daycare program that she likes for the 3-year-old. Thus, my mother chooses to drive back and forth between Pt Townsend and Seattle each week and takes care of the kids while Mel goes either to work (dump truck driver, union, makes $28-$32/hr) or to physical therapy for her foot - which she's been nursing for a year or more.

Whenever I point out that Mel is a grown woman, and should be capable of taking care of her kids herself, Mom plays the guilt card, stating that Mel is a single parent, can't do everything by herself, blah blah blah... She's done this for the past 10 years, and probably will not stop until she dies of an overdose from travel.

Since Mel had such a "terrible" childhood (parents divorced when she was 9, was beaten regularly by father, chose to live on streets by 13 to avoid her "horrible" step-father [my dad] and her horrible father), and mum couldn't fix it, she feels it necessary to do everything she possibly can to "fix" things now... And Mel, since she had such a terrible childhood, and mum didn't fix it, feels she is entitled to everything she possibly can get from the world - and is training her children to be the same way.

Never mind that Mel had a choice when she decided to live on the streets - she could have lived with either our grandmother, or live with my father and our mother. However, she would have had to live with rules she didn't want to live by... like going to school, getting decent grades, getting a job if she wanted extra money, etc... All those horrible things that a responsible young adult does as they grow up and learn to live on their own in the world...

Rather than do that, Mel chose to live on the streets by her own rules, and ended up on drugs and alcohol by the time she was 16, and didn't get clean until she was 26. Our mother blames herself for Mel's past choices and Mel's father being a child- and wife-beater, so as I mentioned before, she is attoning for her past "sins".

Since I had 2 parents my whole life, neither of whom beat or abused me, apparently I don't need to have the support that my sister does... And while my mother feels guilty about it, she consoles herself with the fact that my upbringing was so much better than Mel's, and I didn't have the issues that Mel had growing up.

I got so angry (and am STILL so angry about it), I felt like screaming. Last night, however, had an odd dream with Dad in it. He showed up and we spoke for about two hours about it - the upshot was that he told me even if Mom wasn't there, he would be. Before you think this is a "normal" thing, Dad passed away in '94... So, it was rather bizarre.

There's something not quite right with a family where you can rely more on your dead relatives than you can on your live ones...

~M

OK...

So, yeah, it's been a bit since my last update. I would have written this weekend, but I was a bit busy...

See, with the baby coming, I got a wild hair up my ass and decided that we really needed to do a cleaning party on the house. Not just a bit of dusting and putting stuff away, but really, down-and-dirty, in the cracks and crevaces clean.

So, at 9:45 Saturday morning, Raistlin arrived with TSP and a determined attitude. We woke up the two girls who had slept over the night before after visiting, and roped them into it as well. I brewed coffee, and started general fussing with snack items, as I had been told repeatedly that I was not to do *ANYTHING* more strenuous than putting out cheese and crackers.

Lil and Anxiety showed up around 10:30 or so and commenced to helping out. Lil got into the kitchen and Anxiety helped move everything out of the front room.

I apparently was a lot more optimistic about the house than I should have been... There was 8 years worth of bachelor-hood to be removed from both the walls and floor, not to mention the at-least 6-7 years worth of dust wending its way through the rooms as well...

Bobby came by around noon with the shampooer, which was perfect timing, as most of the room had been emptied, less the large furniture items. The room had its walls completely washed down and all the nicotine plaque from years of smoking in the house was removed. Then the baseboard heater was washed down, the floor was swept, then vacuumed, and then Bobby commenced to shampooing the carpet.

To say that it was a bit needed was something of an understatement. I honestly am surprised that it's still together at this point, since what we got up looked like we could have planted several redwoods and they would have thrived. It went from dark black dirt-water, to gamer-strength coffee (equal to the opacity of Turkish coffee), to sort of a dirt-grey after two rinses. We decided to stop there, since obviously we weren't going to get much more out of the carpet, besides the carpet itself - and we would like to keep it...

Bobby also steam-cleaned the persian rug, which apparently also needed it. Years of general abuse, and nothing other than the occasional vacuum left it needing a good washing.

Next, everything had to be put *back* - a more physically demanding part of the job. While everyone else was heading into and out of the baby room (where we had stored pretty much everything while the front room was being cleaned), I snuck into the bathroom with impliments of destruction and proceeded to re-caulk the bathtub, and wash down the walls. Yes, I'm evil. But I really needed to do something, and that type of nit-picky job was just perfect for me, since it was out of the way and was needing to be done, anyway.

Lil and Anxiety had to leave around one-ish, to finish some errands. The kitchen, while not completely clean (tops of the cupboards and fridge, and inside of fridge still needed to be done), was much better than it had been, and the extra hands were definitely appreciated.

I ordered out for pizza about 4pm - the time when Raistlin and Emma both found me in the bathroom wiping down walls and gave me dirty looks for doing anything... Just as an aside note: The Pizza Hut Pizza Mia pizzas are good, but you won't get nearly the amount of toppings they advertize on tv. Then again, for $5 per shot, I wasn't expecting huge amounts of anything.

We stopped, finally, around 6:30-ish... And I realized that we hadn't even touched the dining room, or our room, and there were lots of things still stacked up in piles to go through in the Baby's room, too... I decided not to worry about it at that point, but did realize that 10 years worth of dirt and grime is going to take more than 1 day to wipe out - unless you have about 5 people per room working on it...

We gamed afterwards, which was a nice way to relax for the evening, and then went to bed where I had a pretty good night's sleep for once.

Sunday found me in a chair in front of the fridge, unpacking and cleaning the inside of it. I got only to the fridge part of it - not the seal, the freezer or the outside, much to my dismay. My back gave out on me after a few hours, and I ended up paying for it Monday morning when it wouldn't let me out of bed for literally 2.5 hours, causing me to think that perhaps I was going to have to get the mattress steam-cleaned as well...

I also did a quick photo shoot with Fred to show off how big Elizabeth has gotten in comparison to me... They came out pretty darned good, if I do say so myself. I will have to post up a few of my faves once they're done editing.

I called in yesterday and proceeded to hot-pack my back and hips all day, and did physical therapy exersises in a vain attempt to relax my back enough to sleep last night. Had a few braxton-hicks which felt fairly strong and regular, but then went away after about two hours. The pool at the gym helped my back and hips, though I did find that there were times when it was almost impossible to move myself through the water simply because of the shape that I am currently. Rounded prow of ship, plus opposing force of water, equals stuck for a few seconds...

Went home last night and collapsed. Woke up at 3, just in time to realize not only could I not breathe, my back and hips were both killing me. So, took some tylenol and sucked on a throat losenge to try and clear out my sinuses. It worked - sort of. I got more sleep, at least.

I have decided that the next really big project is going to be our room. I have no allergy problem at all in the front room now - it's all in our room. Can't breathe, can't sleep very well, and my throat always feels sore. SO - I will be bugging Bobby to bring back the steam-cleaner and we will do the same thing in our room we did to the front room, then put everything back, tidily. Hopefully we can do this prior to the baby being born - though I have to say this right now:

If I head off to have the baby prior to having the room done, I want the room done before I come home. *chuckle*

This weekend's major project will most likely be cleaning up, sorting and putting away everything in the baby's room. Raistlin is thinking that Elizabeth will come on Saturday. I just know that things seem to feel like they're gearing up a little faster than they had been even two weeks ago when baby dropped. I'm wanting to sleep pretty much full-time, but when I'm awake it's all I can do to not get down on hands and knees and start tooth-brush scrubbing floors (I stop myself because there's no one to pick me up when my legs go to sleep...).

So, I will keep people updated on the continuing story of getting the house in order, as well as the Elizabeth project. *chuckle*

~M

"Not everyone is perfect..."

So, I'm waiting at the bus stop today, and watch as the bus comes up and almost passes by me. It comes to a halt, then the driver has another 45 seconds trying to open the door so I could get in.

The issue was not that the bus was old (it was, but still in good working order), or that the driver didn't *know* what she was doing (she did). No - the issue that caused her to both almost miss my stop completely, pull in late, and then not be able to open the door properly was because her bright red, Motorolla flip-phone was firmly glued to her ear, being held up by one of her hands...

Now, while Oregon does not yet have a law enacted to prohibit the use of cell phones while driving, the public transit company DOES have a regulation prohibiting drivers from the use of cell phones while driving. The possibility of serious injury to either the driver, the passengers, or to other motorists increases 10-fold when dealing with a 1-ton vehicle...

So, here we are 17 passengers, two of which haven't even reached age 6 yet, are all being driven around by this woman who cannot seem to put down her phone. She finally clicks it off about half-way through my ride. I already noted down the bus information and time into my phone so I can call it in, but can't resist seeing whether she actually thought what she was doing was really *wrong*.

The verbal exchange went as follows:

Me: Honestly, I don't think I'd ever be as brave as you...
Driver: Brave? Brave how?
M: Driving a bus with the lives of 15 people in my hands, all while talking constantly on my cell phone.
D: Well, not all of us are perfect, you know... Are you?
M: No - but at least I know when to put my cell phone down and not use it.
D: Well, as I said - Not everyone is perfect in this world...
M: Hmmm. Be that as it may, I know that Tri-Met really frowns on the usage of cell phones while you guys are driving.
D: Yeah, that's true - but again, not everyone is perfect - I know I'm not, what about you? (getting a defensive tone in her voice)
M:(as I'm getting out of the bus at my stop) Not everyone is perfect, but everyone has the possibility of following their company regulations and being responsible.

This exchange really got me thinking, especially since the driver readily acknowledged that she knew the policy against driving while talking on her cell, but excused it so easily by saying that "not everyone is perfect". When (because with her attitude, it's not a question of if) she ends up in an accident due to driving while talking on her cell phone, and she injures her passengers and whomever she hits, what will she say to the review board? "Well, yeah, I know that there was a risk factor involved, but, you know - not everyone is perfect..." Does she really believe that this is going to get her out of trouble?

I am of the honest opinion that you should be able to do whatever you wish - as long as you are not going to take others along with you if you're going to be reckless. Once you start putting other people into possible physical danger, you forfeit the right to being so cavalier an attitude about what it is that you're doing. If you have the possibility of injuring or killing another human being by your actions, you don't get to do that anymore. Period. End of story.

I don't think that any judge in any part of the country would accept the "Well, ya know your honor, yes, I knew the policy, and yes I knew there was a risk, but - not everyone is perfect" as a valid excuse for any reckless action. If you willingly took the risk there's no excuse, and you deserve to be punished.

I'm so calling the transit center tomorrow.

~M

Reflections, changes, and a big drop...

So, it's now 2008. Strangely (or not), I feel no different than I did yesterday. Then again, it's hard to feel different when you're busy doing other things that takes your brain off what calendar day it is.

Over the past year, there have been some major changes in my life, most all of them good:

*I got a new job with a company that, so far, I like working for. Not only that, but the work is not horribly difficult and there are plenty of opportunities to expand out of the call center and into other areas. It's also closer to home, which is nice.

*I found out I was pregnant, something I've been wanting for a while, and both Fred and I were completely ecstatic about it.

*I got married to my best friend - the surprise wedding of the century in our circle of friends, really, since both of us had been swearing that we were NEVER going to do that whole matrimony thing ever again...

*We got a new kitty baby, who is both odd and shy, yet loving and snuggly.

There were less than stellar moments in the last year, too...

*Speedboy decided to try and turn over a new leaf, so moved down with his mom. While this is wonderful for him, and a great chance, we still do miss him.

*My dearest of feline companions passed away after an 8 month battle with renal failure.

*My back failed after several weeks, and I am now in physical therapy.

So, all in all, there were an equal amount of ups and downs, all sort of balancing themselves out.

For me, the new year came while I was sleeping. I lead such the exciting life, what with having an extra-large medicine ball stuffed into the front of my pants (it's not really a baby - I'm smuggling wiggly chocolates - they're heavy!)... I decided not to go to the New Year's party at Mandarin Palace, and instead stayed home to fix the belly band so it gave me more support, and then went to sleep around 9:45 or so.

Fred went to the party, though, and apparently had a good time, from all accounts. I'm glad he went, since it's so rare that either of us gets to go out and really party down. I'll probably have a moment after the baby is born, and Fred can stay home with Elizabeth. :-)

Speaking of Elizabeth - she dropped over the weekend, which would be why I had to fix the belly band. I now have a "belly bowl", as Fred calls it,which gives just enough extra support when I'm going through the motions of getting up or sitting down so that I'm not feeling like I'm getting a hernia.

Elizabeth herself is slowly moving and stretching for the most part now, rather than heavy kicking and fluttering. I think she's biding her time until we least expect it, and then when we least expect it, she will start her entrance. Not even out of the womb, and she's already asserting her independence. Definitely Fred's kid. LOL.

One of my co-workers is talking about starting a betting pool and giving the proceeds to Elizabeth. I told her I wouldn't mind - it would be a nice way to start a college fund, eh?

Meanwhile, the party plans are proceeding, and I am hopeful that I will be more relaxed once the house is clean.

~M