I could say that it's the weather, or stress, or the bills we're currently facing, or just plain depression... But I don't know whether it's any of those or just a lack of better living through chemistry... I just feel crappy. I am not taking joy in most of the things that I normally would, and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any second. I want to cry at a moment's notice, I don't want to do anything besides sleep, and I can't even begin to clean my house - I have no clue where to start...
I'm so overwhelmed with everything that it's so tempting to just quit everything and run away. I can taste the impulse when I wake up in the morning, and feel it in the back of my head when I go to bed at night. I have looked longingly at the sunrise, wanting to follow it away from where I am, and dreamed of sunsets far from where I live.
I'm told that I just need to deal with it, that it will get better, that things aren't that horrible... I hear my daughter's laughter in my ears and wonder what, if anything, I can ever give her that could equal a stable life... I look at the joy and wonder in her eyes and wish that I could get those things back for myself as well - knowing that I probably never will.
I look in the mirror and I hate what I see there - a useless, selfish piece of fat crap that does nothing to better herself and refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I know what I *could* do, but I don't do it. I *could* cut out everything that's non-essential that we're paying for currently, and thereby be able to make all the payments necessary to bring my bills closed completely more easily... We don't technically NEED internet, or cable, or technically even phones... But I won't do it. I'm selfish, and I refuse to cut those things out. I *could* cut out most of the excess food that we have wandering around the house and get down to beans and rice, with some veggies for variety. But I won't do that... I'm selfish, and I like to have good tasting food - not just food that will sustain me.
I feel dead inside, a husk of a human being, having had the life and love sucked out of me on a constant basis by debt and stress.
I should be happy... I have a job, a roof over my head, a supportive husband, a fabu girlfriend, and an amazingly wonderful daughter. These are gifts that I should appreciate and be joyful for, and I shouldn't overlook the significance of having them in my life... I shouldn't take them for granted, nor should I dismiss them readily.
And yet... I can't get over the feeling that somehow, I've let down everyone around me. I haven't done enough, haven't given enough, haven't been enough - and I never will be enough, or reach the point of having given enough or having done enough. I'll always be lacking, and I'll always end up being less than I should be for those around me.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I should even be around...
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
ok... that's about enough of that...
It's now February 25th, 2009, and Barack Obama has been in office for a little over a month.
Oh, shock and awe - he hasn't yet turned around the entire economic failure that our recently defunct president put us in over an 8 year stint in office... I'm amazed. I truly am! I mean, it's so obvious that *anyone* could turn around the current situation within 30 days or less. It's so easy, right? Oh my God! And Goddess! How dare President Obama NOT fulfill every single promise that he made during his campaign, and his presidential speech, within a month. It's absolutely unthinkable! It's ridiculous...
Unless, of course, you consider the amount of money we currently have on the debit side of the ledger... and you consider that it's not *JUST* Obama making the laws here - he suggests them, he can even push for them, and yes, his signature is on the bottom of them - but they do have to be put through an entire panel of congress - BOTH PARTIES, mind you, and have a majority pass in order for it to reach him again... Oh, and most times, in order to do that, the original idea gets moved around, changed, tweaked and otherwise twisted to fit the majority of those within congress so that the law will pass...
Oh, and let's not forget that Obama never ONCE said that he was a miracle worker. He never ONCE said that he was going to be able to do all of this within a month's time and after that the US would come up smelling of roses and sunshine, and everyone would have tons of money sprouting out their ass. Not once.
Let's also not forget, for all of those who sit there, smug as can be about there not yet being a change, that for all of your fears and all of your pissiness, he's still your president. Why? Because until you move out of the US and give up your citizenship, you're a member of the US - and he's the current leader of it. Like it or lump it. I may have been absolutely disgusted with the last president and his parties policies and choices, and I certainly didn't vote for him - but as ashamed as I was to admit that he was, he was still my president.
The current cabinet positions that are empty may stay that way for a while. Why? Because it's a make-or-break opportunity, and a 50/50 chance at getting it done. As for those within his party whom, I have heard, have not yet paid their taxes from last year - I'm not surprised. Then again, I'm not certain most people in congress have correctly filed in years, regardless of their political position. Is it honestly Obama's fault that they, last year, before Obama was in office, did not pay their taxes? No. Should Obama be held accountable for their actions? No - they should... Will they? I suppose that depends on the IRS. I won't hold my breath, but that's only because I'm a realist who knows that those people probably have access to some good lawyers.
In any case, how about a challange for all of those who are still ticked off that Obama hasn't yet turned the country around and made everything "perfect"... Let's see you do it. Let's see you, in all your smarts and glory, get everything done all nice and legal, following the whole procedure that everyone has to do in order to get stuff done, within 30 days. I'd love to see you try.
How about we have a little bout with realism at this point - Get off your fucking high horse, step off your soap box, and start realizing that it's NOT JUST OBAMA... He was NOT the cause of the financial situation we are now in, and the situation is grave enough that it won't take 30 days to pull us out of it. Hell, it could be that he can't get it done in 4 years, for all that we're in debt and in hock up to our sphincters. But at least he's attempting something that the last party did not - listen to the people and attempt to do something for them, rather than for their own pocketbooks.
If you don't agree with me, that's fine - I don't really fucking care. But at least I'm honestly looking at the situation and giving the guy more than 30 days to turn shit around.
~M
Oh, shock and awe - he hasn't yet turned around the entire economic failure that our recently defunct president put us in over an 8 year stint in office... I'm amazed. I truly am! I mean, it's so obvious that *anyone* could turn around the current situation within 30 days or less. It's so easy, right? Oh my God! And Goddess! How dare President Obama NOT fulfill every single promise that he made during his campaign, and his presidential speech, within a month. It's absolutely unthinkable! It's ridiculous...
Unless, of course, you consider the amount of money we currently have on the debit side of the ledger... and you consider that it's not *JUST* Obama making the laws here - he suggests them, he can even push for them, and yes, his signature is on the bottom of them - but they do have to be put through an entire panel of congress - BOTH PARTIES, mind you, and have a majority pass in order for it to reach him again... Oh, and most times, in order to do that, the original idea gets moved around, changed, tweaked and otherwise twisted to fit the majority of those within congress so that the law will pass...
Oh, and let's not forget that Obama never ONCE said that he was a miracle worker. He never ONCE said that he was going to be able to do all of this within a month's time and after that the US would come up smelling of roses and sunshine, and everyone would have tons of money sprouting out their ass. Not once.
Let's also not forget, for all of those who sit there, smug as can be about there not yet being a change, that for all of your fears and all of your pissiness, he's still your president. Why? Because until you move out of the US and give up your citizenship, you're a member of the US - and he's the current leader of it. Like it or lump it. I may have been absolutely disgusted with the last president and his parties policies and choices, and I certainly didn't vote for him - but as ashamed as I was to admit that he was, he was still my president.
The current cabinet positions that are empty may stay that way for a while. Why? Because it's a make-or-break opportunity, and a 50/50 chance at getting it done. As for those within his party whom, I have heard, have not yet paid their taxes from last year - I'm not surprised. Then again, I'm not certain most people in congress have correctly filed in years, regardless of their political position. Is it honestly Obama's fault that they, last year, before Obama was in office, did not pay their taxes? No. Should Obama be held accountable for their actions? No - they should... Will they? I suppose that depends on the IRS. I won't hold my breath, but that's only because I'm a realist who knows that those people probably have access to some good lawyers.
In any case, how about a challange for all of those who are still ticked off that Obama hasn't yet turned the country around and made everything "perfect"... Let's see you do it. Let's see you, in all your smarts and glory, get everything done all nice and legal, following the whole procedure that everyone has to do in order to get stuff done, within 30 days. I'd love to see you try.
How about we have a little bout with realism at this point - Get off your fucking high horse, step off your soap box, and start realizing that it's NOT JUST OBAMA... He was NOT the cause of the financial situation we are now in, and the situation is grave enough that it won't take 30 days to pull us out of it. Hell, it could be that he can't get it done in 4 years, for all that we're in debt and in hock up to our sphincters. But at least he's attempting something that the last party did not - listen to the people and attempt to do something for them, rather than for their own pocketbooks.
If you don't agree with me, that's fine - I don't really fucking care. But at least I'm honestly looking at the situation and giving the guy more than 30 days to turn shit around.
~M
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Because we all need an Italian Retreat...
Castello di Carbonana
Presenting a truly rare opportunity to acquire a piece of history and make it part of your life, your family, your company, your legacy. An opportunity that is indeed priceless. This 18 hectare (44+ acres) Umbrian Estate and Castle sits nestled, as it has for centuries, in the foothills of the magnificent Medieval town of Gubbio.
Poised in a position which has dominated the valley and controlled access to ancient roads since the dawn of Christianity, this magnificent piece of Italy will be acquired along with the historic title that goes with the estate, that of "Count of Carbonana". The title was established in the year 900 and was given to one of the Castle's first owners, a distinguished Templar Knight. To this day the title remains certified with a heraldic emblem in the Italian Heraldic Encyclopedia and will pass on to the new owner, as it has for centuries.
Not to be left in the past, this rare offering also comes with the potential of complete renovation by the current owners for an additional 2.6 mill Euros. Such a renovation will include all amenities required of an international luxury estate, including tennis courts, pools, even a helipad. All the modern conveniences and top of the line appliances and systems along with refurbishment of all roofs, flooring, walls will be provided tucked behind period appropriate finishes and exteriors. There may be only a handful of people in the world who can appreciate the provenance of what exits in this historic place. We invite you to be among them and imagine yourselves legitimately as the "Count and/or Countess of Carbonana" of Umbria, Italy.
8 Million Euros present condition. 11 Million Euros Renovated
Castle Carbonana
Found this from a link on Fark.com (lord and lady bless them!)... Because, you know, I'll need to know what to spend my millions on when I win the lottery...
Oh wait... I need to PLAY the lottery before I can WIN it. Darn it. I knew there was a catch!
~M
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Holy crap...
OK, so this whole thing on the octuplets… I promised myself I was going to ignore the whole situation. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to go there… But I can’t help it. There’s only so much that I can deal with regarding the situation before my own personal feelings about the situation rear up. But, then, that’s why I have a blog.
Let me get the story straight, ok? We have a young woman who, when she finds out she can’t get pregnant, she goes in to a fertility clinic to get help. I have no issue with that. Lots of women do that, and I understand why – sort of… The whole “want to actually BE pregnant” instead of adoption. OK. Let’s just run with that.
She then does this repeatedly so that she ends up with a total of six children. Now, I’m not even going to comment on the fact that she is not with the father of the children (who has remained anonymous), and that she’s neither working nor living on her own – AND the fact that she has had her mother taking care of her children so that she can go back to school.
She decides that the SIX (we did previously mention that she had SIX) children she already had weren’t enough, and decides to have the remaining eggs she had previously frozen all implanted at the same time so as “not to have them go to waste” (these were her words, from her interview, btw).
The payment for such a procedure (which is, if not illegal, definitely frowned upon by the medical community for anyone under the age of 35) is quite large – and apparently was paid for by a medical settlement she received for being injured on the job. How she has been able to make the medical bill payments for both her prenatal care and the birth, not to mention post-natal care, I do not know – but I have a feeling she has been handed quite a bit of money just for the chance at being interviewed… And I’m not even going to mention the cost of a professional PR person, whom she has hired…
She says she has no plans on being a welfare mom, and I applaud her for that. At the same time, however, I am skeptical that she will be able to fulfill her role as a provider to her children without some sort of assistance. I struggle each day to make ends meet with ONE child, and with both myself and my husband working. I cannot imagine being mother to a total of FOURTEEN children and not having some sort of state or federal assistance – which is where my own personal disgust comes in.
I feel the same way about anyone who would be so irresponsible as to have additional children, after already having difficulties providing for the ones that they would have on their own. I don’t feel that one should get pregnant just for the free stuff, or for the notoriety, or the possibility of a TV show. There are too many children in the world now who need loving homes, who need stability in their lives, and have yet to find that because they are not being adopted, or even fostered into homes that could provide them that chance.
But, we have a woman who already had SIX children! SIX!! Did we mention that she already had SIX!!!! And decides that she needs more of them… Why? Because, according to her, she grew up as an only child and all she ever wanted were children because she was so lonely as a child (insert sniffle here). I cannot feel sorry for you or your sad childhood. Many others in the world had much worse, and did not choose to do this. If you cannot provide for your children on your own, without your mother providing FREE daycare, then you should not be having more children.
~M
Let me get the story straight, ok? We have a young woman who, when she finds out she can’t get pregnant, she goes in to a fertility clinic to get help. I have no issue with that. Lots of women do that, and I understand why – sort of… The whole “want to actually BE pregnant” instead of adoption. OK. Let’s just run with that.
She then does this repeatedly so that she ends up with a total of six children. Now, I’m not even going to comment on the fact that she is not with the father of the children (who has remained anonymous), and that she’s neither working nor living on her own – AND the fact that she has had her mother taking care of her children so that she can go back to school.
She decides that the SIX (we did previously mention that she had SIX) children she already had weren’t enough, and decides to have the remaining eggs she had previously frozen all implanted at the same time so as “not to have them go to waste” (these were her words, from her interview, btw).
The payment for such a procedure (which is, if not illegal, definitely frowned upon by the medical community for anyone under the age of 35) is quite large – and apparently was paid for by a medical settlement she received for being injured on the job. How she has been able to make the medical bill payments for both her prenatal care and the birth, not to mention post-natal care, I do not know – but I have a feeling she has been handed quite a bit of money just for the chance at being interviewed… And I’m not even going to mention the cost of a professional PR person, whom she has hired…
She says she has no plans on being a welfare mom, and I applaud her for that. At the same time, however, I am skeptical that she will be able to fulfill her role as a provider to her children without some sort of assistance. I struggle each day to make ends meet with ONE child, and with both myself and my husband working. I cannot imagine being mother to a total of FOURTEEN children and not having some sort of state or federal assistance – which is where my own personal disgust comes in.
I feel the same way about anyone who would be so irresponsible as to have additional children, after already having difficulties providing for the ones that they would have on their own. I don’t feel that one should get pregnant just for the free stuff, or for the notoriety, or the possibility of a TV show. There are too many children in the world now who need loving homes, who need stability in their lives, and have yet to find that because they are not being adopted, or even fostered into homes that could provide them that chance.
But, we have a woman who already had SIX children! SIX!! Did we mention that she already had SIX!!!! And decides that she needs more of them… Why? Because, according to her, she grew up as an only child and all she ever wanted were children because she was so lonely as a child (insert sniffle here). I cannot feel sorry for you or your sad childhood. Many others in the world had much worse, and did not choose to do this. If you cannot provide for your children on your own, without your mother providing FREE daycare, then you should not be having more children.
~M
Long time no post...
So, it's been a while, I know. But there's been a good reason for it. Between work, migraines, panic attacks, and a birthday (my daughter's first), I've been too wrapped up in myself to write here at all.
Which is sad, because honestly, it's rather cathartic most times. I can get out what's going on and feel better about it once it's on paper. Unfortunately, I seem to have fallen victim to whatever ennui everyone else in the nation has succumbed to. The sad fact that as a couple, Fred and I make too much to qualify for EIC, which means no lump sum of cash for our taxes. That, and the state of the economy as a whole (not to mention our own personal sorry state), has just worn me down to a sore nub of a human, barely able to function from day to day.
Fred has fallen victim himself, having received his pink slip on his birthday (of all days!). This in turn forced us to let go of our beloved Jess, which saddened us greatly. We're still hoping that Fred gets back to work soon enough that we don't have to worry about getting her back. She and Logan have been so wonderful with Boo that I really hate to contemplate finding someone new...
The overall stress of all of this, along with the increased number of collection calls occuring on a daily basis is causing migraines and high amounts of indigestion. This is the first time I've had the hiccups for more than an hour, and on a daily basis at that. I'd say I needed a 2nd job, but I can't do it when I can't even make it in some days to my full-time job due to the stress. I know I need to suck it up and deal, but it's really difficult some days to just face the fact that the sun is coming up yet again.
~M
Which is sad, because honestly, it's rather cathartic most times. I can get out what's going on and feel better about it once it's on paper. Unfortunately, I seem to have fallen victim to whatever ennui everyone else in the nation has succumbed to. The sad fact that as a couple, Fred and I make too much to qualify for EIC, which means no lump sum of cash for our taxes. That, and the state of the economy as a whole (not to mention our own personal sorry state), has just worn me down to a sore nub of a human, barely able to function from day to day.
Fred has fallen victim himself, having received his pink slip on his birthday (of all days!). This in turn forced us to let go of our beloved Jess, which saddened us greatly. We're still hoping that Fred gets back to work soon enough that we don't have to worry about getting her back. She and Logan have been so wonderful with Boo that I really hate to contemplate finding someone new...
The overall stress of all of this, along with the increased number of collection calls occuring on a daily basis is causing migraines and high amounts of indigestion. This is the first time I've had the hiccups for more than an hour, and on a daily basis at that. I'd say I needed a 2nd job, but I can't do it when I can't even make it in some days to my full-time job due to the stress. I know I need to suck it up and deal, but it's really difficult some days to just face the fact that the sun is coming up yet again.
~M
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