Sunday, March 21, 2010

Dark Desperation, part 1

This is try 4 at a short story/book that I've been attempting to write for some time now. Please feel free to read it and let me know what you think. I'm poor, so couldn't post the whole thing on Dark

Music swirled around her, thumped through the floor and into the soles of her shoes as she walked through the darkened club. It was deafening, what with the blare of techno mix and the constant yelling chatter going on around her. Her head had started to throb an hour earlier, and this was not helping. Yet, here she was - and she wondered, not for the first time, why she’d chosen to come yet again.

Saturday night and the feeling, apparently, was all right - at least for most everyone else. Wending her way through the crowd, she felt each individual emotion bleeding off the people around her: elation, lust, happiness and… yes, even despair. She glanced over to one of those whose signature bore that of acceptance tinged with desperation and despair.

He was not young-looking, nor was he all that remarkable to look at. He had dark hair, pale skin, and sat slumped in the corner between two couples, his head firmly down. He attempted to keep himself from touching anyone else, but was failing miserably as the two couples enthusiastically glommed onto one another with hedonistic glee. They pushed into him, over him, around him, and at some points it seemed, through him.

She cocked an eyebrow… Perhaps… Perhaps this was the one for tonight. But - not yet. Business first, then pleasure. She mentally noted down where he was and, as she passed by him, she gently trailed a finger against the back of his neck. She felt him stiffen up, and then relax against her gloved finger. Interestingly, she didn’t feel the backwash of emotion that she was prepared for. She smiled, and continued on.

Moving to the dining area of the bar, she sat down at a back booth and ordered a sparkling water. As the waitress retreated, a slight movement in the seat across from her caught her eye, and Jasper sat back and grinned at her.

“Theatrics aren’t necessary anymore, you know,” she said in quiet admonishment.

“Yeah, well - I like theatrics, so suck it.” He grinned at her and winked.

“So typical, Jasper. Let’s get down to business - I have things I’d like to be doing.”

“Don’t you mean that there’s some ONE you’d like to be doing?” Jasper wiggled his eyebrows at her.

She sighed. “What is it that you want, Jasper.” She leaned back to allow the waitress access to the table, then leaned forward again. “Is it about the case?”

“Well, of course it’s about the case. Hendricks isn’t patient, and he wants answers. He’s threatened to go to someone else if you don’t end up giving him some new leads.”

“These things take time. I can’t just spit out information like a computer.” She flopped back in the booth and took a long drink, wishing it had alcohol in it. Alcohol numbed things, made it easier to deal with…

“Alcohol won’t help you this time, Lore.” Jasper reached over quietly to take her hand. “You know this has to be settled, once and for all. The killings can’t go on.”

She let him hold her hand for a few moments, allowing the touch to sooth her. Unlike others, he did not trigger anything - she was safe. Even through her gloves, she could occasionally pick up images from others, but not Jasper - he no longer transmitted such visions and emotions.

Abruptly, she tore her hand from his and scowled at him. This was why things had never been meant to be between the two of them - he brought out both the best and the worst of her - normally all at the same time.

“Tell Hendricks I’ll be in tomorrow morning to see what else I can find. Let him know I’ll need to see the latest crime scene, though. I have to go back through and walk it. Otherwise, I won’t be able to see everything.”

Jasper grinned at her, then grabbed her hand back into his, kissing the back. “I knew we could count on you, babe. I’ll catch you tomorrow night, ok? We can head over to the site together.”

Just as quickly as he had appeared, Jasper was gone again. Lorelai finished her drink quietly, then went back to the dance hall and found her mark. This time he’d extracted himself from the corner, and was waiting at the edge of the dance floor, searching the crowd. She smiled and walked toward him until he was just in front of her, his back to her. She gently touched a finger to the back of his neck again, and watched as his body straightened even further, and then whipped around to look down at her.

He was tall, over six feet, and his short hair had a slight wave to it. He looked down at her, and his eyes widened as he looked at her for the first time, completely. He saw full hips, a belly, and a pair of breasts that made him want to suckle them forever. Her long, red hair made his hands itch to stroke it and bury his fingers completely into their waves. There was just something that labeled her different and fascinating and he found himself unable to stop the fantasies from running rampant.

Lorelai was no beauty, she knew that. Short and fat was not the norm for cultural beauty, but she could tell he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and couldn’t help but want to follow her. She inhaled as she leaned near him, and found she could smell him just slightly, a woodsy/musky/man smell that was intriguing. She turned to leave and he followed like a dog eager to please her.

They walked out into the damp city air, heavy with summer humidity. Her thighs chaffed in the heat, and she couldn’t wait to get her clothes off and go swimming. She walked to her car, and turned to face him.

“You don’t have to go with me, you know,” she said quietly. “I would understand if you needed to be somewhere else.”

He blinked. “No - I… want to be here - with you. I don’t know why, but I do. I don’t even care what it is we do.” He looked away, then looked back at her with an almost feral intensity. His eyes seemed to glow in the dim light and held her captive for a moment. She stopped to catch her breath and then remembered who was in charge.

She smiled. “Get in, then,” and popped the passenger door lock for him.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Fenric could smell her. The close confines of the vehicle did nothing to hide the scent of amber, and under it the smell of female. Her cream-colored skin made him want to lick and kiss her everywhere, and he was fairly sure he had the largest hard-on in the entire history of… well, history. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he yet again drew in a breath laced with amber/musk/woman. He really wished she would have lived closer, so he could have just thrown her over the back of a couch and fucked her madly until he collapsed on top of her, drained of energy. He had no idea who she was, no clue why she would have singled him out, but he did know a serendipitous moment when he found one.

He looked at her from out of the corner of his eye. She was concentrating on the road, her brow slightly furrowed in concentration. She seemed to be oblivious to his company - but the waves of sexual anticipation floating off her were almost tangible. She not only knew he was there, she was just as highly charged as he was… She was just as desperate for him, too. That just made him hotter - he wanted her to want him badly - wanted to be able to be the animal, and take as much as he could give to her and more. He felt his balls tighten again, and sucked in a breath to try and steady himself.

Lore wasn’t concentrating as well as she’d like to have been. The man next to her was so… Male. Animal. He overpowered her senses and made it difficult to focus on anything other than crawling onto his lap and grinding her pelvis down onto the large lump she saw growing in his pants. She breathed in, only to find herself melting into the scent of cedar and male once again. She found herself moving her thighs restlessly against one another, trying somehow to relieve the pressure building up. It made it worse, so she forced herself to stop.

At last, she pulled into the driveway of the house, and parked in the garage. Closing the door, she let the overhead light come on before she got out so she could steady her nerves. She looked over to find him staring at her again, and swallowed again. Perhaps, she thought, she was a bit over her head this time…

Fenric reached out to stroke her cheek gently, noting her flaring nostrils. She wanted him, he could tell, and she was ripe for the plucking. He leaned gently forward, the seat leather under him creaking slightly as his weight shifted. She tried to move back, but his hand pulled her back toward him, his lips settling onto hers. She let out a slight sigh, and then pressed herself firmly into him, her hands roving gently over his shoulders.

She felt both stupidly drunk and electrifyingly awake all at the same time. For some reason, she wasn’t scared or anything - it just felt right to try and sink completely into him. She moved further toward him, and was immediately thwarted by the center console. She pulled back, glaring at the offending car part, only to hear him chuckle softly.

“Come on, love,” he said gently, “I’m sure there’s plenty of space inside - if you’re willing to take the chance?” He smiled at her.

Lorelai blinked a few times - she hadn’t expected the soft brogue. Opening the door of the car, she headed toward the house as quickly as possible, already starting to shed clothes. This was no longer a fun jaunt in the park, but a full-on hunt for as much satisfaction as possible. Somehow, she knew, he was going to be worth whatever regrets she might have in the morning - and right now, she just didn’t care.

Fenric followed quickly behind her, pulling off his jacket and shirt. Following her trail of clothing and leaving one of his own, he wended his way through the house to a central patio area that had a sunken pool. He caught a glimpse of her as she walked through the glass door and stepped into the water. The air was suddenly very difficult to breath. She looked like a fertility goddess brought to life, all curves and soft places. She looked up with a knowing smile on her face, and beckoned for him to join her.

He tugged off shoes and socks, then dropped his jeans just outside the sliding door. Walking into the pool area, he noted that it was soothingly lit, and that it was only covered in netting to keep the pool clean. She was sitting on the steps, waiting for him to come toward her. As he placed one foot into the water, she suddenly shot away from him into the deeper area of the pool, and idly swam in the middle of it.

He grinned - he knew this game. It was hunt and chase, and he was a master. He leapt out into the water and swam quickly to her side, then wrapped his arms around her. He made a low growling sound in the back of his throat and nuzzled her throat with his nose. She leaned her head back, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and allowing him further access to her. He drew in her scent while circling her face, his hands cupping her ass and pressing her close to him. She couldn’t reach the bottom of the pool, but he was just tall enough to, and it gave him leverage - leverage he used to make sure she didn’t break away from him.

He bit her shoulder and, as she gasped for breath, he growled again. She leaned into him, welcoming the feel of his teeth and hot breath on her skin. Liquid fire bolted through his veins as he felt her give in to him. His fingers threaded their way through the hair at the nape of her neck and he pulled her head back to look at her face, eyes drowsy with desire. Her mouth was slightly open, and he could see her teeth peeking through her lips as she blinked at him slowly. He kissed her hard, bruising her lips with both their teeth, and then moved her over to the edge of the pool.

He was more muscled than she’d first anticipated, and his eyes seemed to glow with a yellow cast to them. She didn’t care at that point about anything but having more of him… She couldn’t get close enough to please her own desires, wanting to simply slip inside his skin and stay there. He pushed her up onto the pool deck and spread her legs wide, then pushed her back, forcing her to lay on the floor. She sat straight back up when she felt his tongue touch her clit - and was forced immediately back down with a fierce-sounding bark and a push of his hand.

He could feel her heartbeat under his hand as he held her down and slowly, carefully tongued his way in and out of her vagina and outer lips. He could taste the pool water, could smell her sex, and her need for him was almost tangible. She continued to moan, making him crazy as he tried to hold on to some sort of control and give her pleasure before letting the beast take over. He could already feel his nails growing longer, and his balls were bursting with the need to bury himself deep within her right now. He had to make sure she was ready for him, was desperate, wet, and begging…

She gasped as he thrust his tongue deep inside her, then started sucking and flicking on her clit, pressing down on her belly at the same time. She writhed beneath him, wanting his cock to be deep inside of her at the same time - knowing it was an impossibility and yet needing it all at the same time. She whimpered, then cried out as she reached orgasm quickly, flooding his mouth with cum, and then reaching yet another peak and squirting some more.

He groaned, and knew he had to have her right then. He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her down onto his cock, pushing deep inside of her as he wrapped his arms around her. He braced her against the wall of the pool and started thrusting. She gasped as he filled her completely, then threw her head back and yelled as he started fucking her hard into the pool wall. Her nails bit into his back and shoulders, and he bit her hard and growled at her.

“Oh god, YES! Fuck me!” she howled, clutching at him. “Fuck yes!”

He growled again, and abruptly stopped moving and nuzzled her ear. “My name - it’s Fenric - say it. Say it, dammit!”

“Fenric! Fuck me, please,” she cried out, practically sobbing for him to continue, to make her come over and over again.

He grunted, then nibbled her ear and caressed her face as he slowly withdrew from her. She collapsed into his arms, unable to move, yet desperate for more. He carried her from the pool and into the house.

“Which way to your room, love?” His soft dark brogue sent chills down her spine and made her tremble.

“Left, down the hallway, last room.” She nuzzled his neck and bit his earlobe softly, making him groan in a desperate attempt to keep control.

“God, love - what you do to me,” he muttered into her hair, and moaned as she pinched his nipples, then suckled on them. “GOD!”

Then he heard her giggle…

He threw open the door and tossed her onto the large bed in the center of the room, then slammed the door shut with a foot. Fenric strode over and flipped her onto her belly, pulling her by her hair to her knees, her ass high in the air. He smelled her sex again, and licked it softly, then buried himself into her once again.

He rode her hard this time, scraping her back, smacking her thighs and ass with open palms, and pulling her hair to bring her harder into him. She screamed like a feral cat, arching her back and twisting further into him, desperate to take him completely. He could feel himself turning completely at that point, his balls tightening up to come hard deep within her. Her pussy was hot and wet, pulsing around him repeatedly.

He finally couldn’t hold off any longer. He pulled her up toward him, pushed one final time, and came inside her while growling and whimpering all at the same time. He slowly pushed her away from him, gently laying her onto the bed, and then laying down himself, exhausted and panting, desperate for air, for water, for rest… He looked over at her prone form, and found that he was desperate for her yet again. He groaned inwardly. This wasn’t going to be as easy as he’d thought.

She lay there, panting and sweaty, wanting to feel him inside her yet again. She couldn’t open her eyes, she was so tired - and yet, she felt like running 15 miles… She smiled softly, sighed, and then her eyes opened and fixed on Fenric. She blinked several times to try and get hair out of her eyes, only to find that it wasn’t hair in her eyes that made him look fuzzy. He was fuzzy; very, very fuzzy. In fact, one could consider him to have grown a fairly full coat of hair in the space of a few hours. She frowned in mild confusion, and his golden eyes met hers. She looked down at his clawed hands, and it all clicked.

“You’re a - a -”

“A wolf. Yes, love. I am that, and more. You aren’t frightened,” he asked, hoping yet hating to hear the answer he always got.

“No. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d had sex with something other than human. I only wish I’d known it before.” She watched his eyes dim with guilt. “That isn’t what I meant - I mean, I knew that you were different, I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly how.”

He had the grace to blush a bit under his fur, and looked embarrassed. “It’s not exactly something that I tell everyone I meet. It tends to be a bit of a mood killer, really.”

“And the two couples who were with you? Are they also wolves?”

“No… They are friends of mine. They thought it would be fun to take me out for an evening, get me drunk, and hope I got lucky.”

She giggled nervously. “Little did they know.”

“Well, I can say that even if I’d had a few pints, I was completely sober when you invited me home with you.” He looked at her seriously. “This isn’t something that I do lightly.”

She glanced at the clock - 3:12am - they’d been having sex for the last two hours, and she realized she wasn’t tired at all.

“Love,” he said quietly, “I would like to know at least one thing before we go further with anything.”

Warily she eyed him.

“Your name, love. I never found out your name.”

“Oh! My name,” she said, drawing in a shaky breath. “It’s Lorelai. Lorelai Cabot. And you’re Fenric… Fenric?”

“Fenric Halloran, at your service, love - but I think, under the circumstances, you can call me Fen.” His eyes had dimmed their golden hue, and his hands were looking more human the longer they talked.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Lorelai jolted awake to the sound of her phone going off in her ear. Groping for the offending item, she blearily opened her eyes and focused on the clock next to her bed. 6:37, she thought? Was that a.m.?! Oh god. Someone had better either be dead or have the largest emergency ever written to call that early in the morning.

“Hrmmph,” she muttered, feeling a heavy hand lay onto her hip. “Cabot. What’s going on?”

“Cabot, it’s Hendricks. We got another one. I need you down here now, while it’s still fresh.”

“Jesus, Hendricks. It’s 6:37 in the fucking morning.” She ran her fingers through her hair and tuned out Hendricks’ rant of responsibility to the badge. She knew better than most the responsibility to it. It ruled her damned life - had been since she was born.

“Yeah, ok! I got it. I’ll be down in an hour. Give me time to shower, all right?”

“Just get down here, Cabot.” She heard the weariness in his voice, and suddenly felt guilty as hell for being snappish.

Clicking off the cell, she pushed the covers off and started to shuffle off to the bathroom. Turning to grab a towel from the hallway cabinet, she met calm brown eyes staring down at her and almost yelped. She’d forgotten Fen was here.

“Going somewhere?” Fen tamped fiercely down on a sudden jealous burst that she had another male calling her this early in the morning.

“My boss - My job just called me in. I- I have to catch a quick shower and then head into town. I can give you a lift, if you’d like.”

Fen’s eyes flickered, then he grinned. “Tell you what. You head out to your job, and call me about an hour before you’re due home. I’ll whip you up a grand meal. I’m sure you’ll need one.”

She shrugged. “Suit yourself. I’m too tired to argue right now.”

After a hot shower and a light stretch, Lore felt more alive. Coming out of the bedroom, she smelled coffee, toast and bacon beckoning her to the kitchen. Coming around the corner, she found Fen, softly humming, spatula in one hand, and a smile on his lips. He looked up to see her and grinned.

“I found us some breakfast, love, if you need it before you go. I can even make it to go, if you like.”

“Are you normally so chipper in the morning? Or is it just after having an amazing round of beast-fucking?” She tried to glower at him, but found it nearly impossible to do so - especially after he stuck a cup of coffee under her nose and fed her a slice of perfectly cooked bacon.

“I wouldn’t know - I hadn’t had an amazing round of beast-fucking before.” He grinned at her look of undisguised shock. “Well, I’ve had sex before, but never on that scale, love. That’s new - and somehow, I think it all has to do with you.”

Lorelai sipped her coffee rather than say anything. Truth to tell, she was dumbfounded by Fen’s statement. She wasn’t beautiful, wasn’t interesting… He must have just been hard-up. That’s all, that’s it. Once she settled that in her head, she felt a little better, and then looked at the clock.

“Crap! I have to go. I’ll call the house phone when I’m on my way back. Make yourself at home, no ordering pay-per-view, and no loud parties.” She headed out the door to the garage and found her way blocked by a large arm.

“That’s all, is it? I’d like a kiss goodbye, love.” His lips descended and her brain turned to mush. He nibbled on the sides of her mouth, his hands caressing her back and up into her hair. She moaned softly, then pulled gently away.

“I really do have to go. It’s urgent.”

“Then go. I’ll see you when you get home. What is this job, then?”

“I’m a detective.” And with that, Lorelai headed out the door and into a miserably humid, gray day.

Driving down Sunset Highway, she dialed Hendricks back on her Bluetooth, but her brain was still back at home. When he answered, she forcibly wrenched her attention back to the present, and the issue at hand.

“What do we have, Captain?”

“We have another one. She’s hung just like the last four. No witnesses, no ID, no nothin’.” She could hear the frustration in his voice as he sighed.

“Where am I headed, boss?”

She was given the address to a warehouse out in the NW area of Portland, just at the edge of the posh Pearl District, near the industrial areas. The area had been purchased and upgraded by a bunch of yuppies with too much money and time on their hands for anyone’s own good. They’d turned an area once known for ten-minute tricks and heroin shooters into posh boutiques, French bistros and high-priced condos and townhouses. Lorelai snorted derisively. She wasn’t sure which was worse - before the change, or after.

Turning down 23rd Avenue, she drove down the main thoroughfare of the Pearl, its stores barely waking up at 7am on a Sunday morning, if they were to open at all. Traffic was light, and she made it down past the last of the fancy-shmancy and into the edge of Industrial Way. It had become trendy to purchase and turn warehouses into large, open-floored studios, selling for upwards of $350,000 a pop. And now, one of them was going to need a serious deep clean once the homicide crew was done with things.

She parked along the side of the building, flashing her badge to get a prime spot. Getting out, she noted that even at this early hour, police lights still got a tidy group of gawkers to join the ranks of those awake and here. Rolling her eyes, she threaded her way through them and tucked under the crime scene tape. She saw Hendricks as he came out, ashen-faced and not looking good at all. She knew this had been particularly hard on him, as he had a teenaged daughter of his own.

“Look, Paul, if you don’t have to be here, then don’t be here.”

“No, I do have to be here, Cabot. It’s my responsibility. I need to catch this guy, and we need to do it soon - he’s escalating. And the Feds are coming in by Friday to look everything over and start from scratch.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “The fuckin’ Feds, Cabot. Throw me a bone here, eh? Please - get me something this time. I don’t know how you do it, I don’t want to know how you do it - and frankly, I don’t care. Just get me something to nail this son-of-a-bitch once and for all.”

Lorelai nodded, patting his back. “I’ll do what I can. Get everyone out of there as soon as possible, and let me know when they’re out. I’ll go in at that point.”

She went over to a nearby bench where coffee and donuts had been placed for the crew, and sat down. This was the tedious part. She could feel the waves of emotion coming out of the building, and wasn’t thrilled about the prospect of going through this yet again. Her lips twisted as she remembered the last time she was called out for this - the panic attacks had been spectacular.

At last, the last of Forensics trailed out, boxes of samples in tow, and she was waved over by a weary-looking Paul.

“Did you need to have someone stick around to help drive you back afterwards? Might be a good idea, considering last time…” He trailed off, looking at her as she swallowed and squared her shoulders.

“Yeah. Have Tucker stick around if she’s still here. I can call her a cab if it’s necessary.”

“OK, Cabot. Be careful. I’d like to see a report on my desk by the end of the day today - tomorrow at the latest.” Hendricks patted her on the shoulder and headed toward a petite blond in uniform to speak with her.

And I’m on, she thought. Lorelai walked toward the building and saw that there was almost a corridor being created by the techs and officers still left at the scene. Most of them knew her peripherally, and a few didn’t believe that she could do a damned thing to help the case that they hadn’t already had a hand in. A few faces held contempt, but most were hopeful, and a few were just bleak with despair. Reaching the door, she squared her shoulders and took out a can of Mentholated rub. Tucking a few wipes under her nose, she sighed again, and then walked into hell.

Friday, March 05, 2010


The effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

I'm not sure that what has just happened *was* serendipitous, but I suppose it could be, depending on what might happen...

Interestingly enough, there have been bubbles of discontent breaking the surface of the waters for some time in my current situation (not relationship-wise - something else completely). There have been increased undercurrents wending through, and the occasional undertow that has drawn me down below the surface.

While I understand that such is the nature of the beast, I also understand that such things do not bode well for the long-term of things... I am not oblivious to such changes in the tides or currents, and while normally I do deal well with them, I have found that getting older means being more intolerant of situations akin to this as they crop up. I just have no patience for it.

Last night, a discussion was held regarding other opportunities which were currently available - opportunities that, while outside the home, were definitely financially more lucrative, and had additional benefits that might be good, too...

This morning the ebb tides turned on me and I felt bombarded with what felt like a metric butt-ton of flotsam and jetsam, and at one point announced that I'd had it.

Who would have thought that opening my personal email this evening could be fortuitous... I find an email asking if I would be interested in joining in on said opportunity. Go figure...

Now it's time to make a decision...


Wednesday, March 03, 2010

On polyamory...

Every poly couple does poly differently. Some recognize that there is a primary in the relationship while others don't... Yet, in most successful poly relationships, there are a core set of rules that are set up so that people are able to co-exist with one another.

1. The three C's... Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

2. One Standard Will Do Nicely (thanks so much to Lil for putting this into succinct wording). If it's OK for one person, it should be OK for everyone. If it's not OK for one person, you might want to re-think your own actions/wants.

3. Treat those involved how you would want to be treated - the golden rule isn't just in general life, people, it's in relationships, too. And especially in Poly ones. If you want to be respected, then respect those within your relationship. Respect is earned, but you do have to start somewhere. Being up-front and honest from the get-go will earn respect a lot faster than being shady and underhanded - and certainly faster than calling names and throwing accusations out at people.

Above and beyond that, it's up to the couple - but both parties in the original relationship should be in agreement to what their rules should entail, before they go willy-nilly into a poly relationship. Saves on time, wear and tear, and nerves - not to mention tons of teary tissues and late night sobs.

Why bring this up at all? I got a phone call from a friend, who was at a loss for giving advise to a friend of hers... What did my friend do? Come to me for advice. "Ack," I thought to myself, "What on EARTH is she thinking?! I have no clue how to deal with a poly relationship!"

Really, though, I think that Fred and I have made it work. No, it's not perfect - no relationship is. But we haven't killed one another either, and have continued to remember rule one above and beyond anything else.

One thing that I do want to say - for those of you who do Poly another way, that's great - like I said before, poly is not a one-size-fits-all thing... It comes in different packages, and each is a little different.

But for me, it's like this:

1. Yes, there is such a thing as a "primary" when it comes down to it. I am Fred's primary, and he is mine. No one else is going to have equal status in the relationship, and that's the way it is. If you don't like it, then there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

2. Yes, Fred and I are each allowed to play with others. However, we do need to talk about it ahead of time to one another. Neither of us feels it juvenile to talk about what we want to do - in fact, we would feel it childish and immature to NOT talk about it ahead of time. We use this time to talk about fears, insecurities, and how we feel about the third person.

3. There is a veto list - it's short, sweet, and to the point, and both of us worked on it together. The reason for this is that neither of us wants to see the other (or ourselves) hurt in the long run.

4. We have do ultimate veto power. If we don't feel comfortable with the other person playing, we can say so. It's ok to have feelings, and be honest with one another about them. If that means that we have to say "No" once in a while, then so be it.

5. Once permission is granted, it's granted - for that go-round. Yes, it can get tedious at times asking. But, situations and people change - and rather than simply assuming that it's going to be ok to go forth and do whatever, we respect one another enough to ask before hand.

I have been in a bad poly relationship. I know how that goes. I now have a pretty good poly relationship, and frankly would never go back.

What makes a bad poly relationship? Well, several things. In my case, the person I was with felt that he could simply go around screwing whomever he wanted - without talking to me about it, and without using protection. At one point, I didn't find out until TWO YEARS after the fact. TWO YEARS.

In addition to this, he wanted nothing to do with me while he was messing around - and yes, that's exactly what I felt it was. To me, if you don't have the guts to come out and say that you want to have sex with someone else, then you're not in a poly relationship - you're cheating. Plain and simple. If you want to cheat, then cheat - but don't expect me to be complacent about it.

So, no communication, no respect, and no boundaries - but the worst part was that it was fine for him to go out and play, but it was completely unacceptable for me to do so, too. Sorry, bub. No can do. Needless to day, that was the end of the relationship - much to his surprise.

Long story short, here's what I have to say about the situation asked of me earlier today:

First and foremost, the two people in the primary relationship need to be honest, up front, and willing to listen to one another. If one person wants one thing, and the other wants something else, neither of you is going to get anywhere. If you don't talk with one another, and listen, you won't get anywhere, either.

Secondly, anyone outside of the two people in the primary relationship does NOT have a say about what should or should not be happening in the relationship - not until after rules are set out between the primary couple - and any additional rules created for the secondary relationship (or whatever you want to call it) should not supersede the original rules.

That's just my two cents worth, though...

Want more unsolicited advice? Try going here:

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Many people know I've been a member of the SCA for 16 years. I started back in 1993, at a local event called Egil's, held in Eugene, Oregon, and I was hooked from that point on.

If you've never heard of the SCA, here's a quick primer: The group was started in Berkeley, when a few friends decided to get together for a theme wedding - they had so much fun with it, they decided to start having a group get-together every month... It grew, and eventually (after more than 20 years) became international, reaching Russia, Japan, Austrailia even... It's a non-profit organization, which means that membership is tax-deductable, and it centers on learning about life as it was from 700 A.D. (or, for you history students C.E.) to 1600 A.D. While the SCA centers upon life within the European culture, many members learn about life outside of that location, though they do try to keep within the timeline.

All the SCA asks is that you, as a participant, make an **attempt** at looking the part. They have "Gold Key" at most sanctioned events, where you can trade your ID for garb for the weekend, or put a deposit on garb. They also have groups in the area that can help you design your clothes, teach you how to sew them, and there's a plethora of websites and books available to use for patterning. They'd love to have you join and pay the yearly membership fee as well, but it's not mandatory.

So why, if it's this simple to start up and enjoy, have there been non-sanctioned events popping up like ever-increasing alien crop circles? Has the SCA *really* become that horrible, that people have felt the need to leave and make their own place elsewhere?

The answer, at least in my neck of the woods, is two-fold... Much of the non-sanctioned events that were created 10 years ago in our little area were because of the high level of drama that had been increasing within events like Egil's. Drama is never enjoyable, no matter where you are - but when you include the stress of running an event for 1000 people, and add in sharp, pointy objects and alcohol, it becomes even more fun - or not...

The drama, in this case, was a combination of people who were running the event being more interested in micro-managing than making sure that those who went to the event had a good, safe time, AND those who went to the event wanting to make it into their own stage and had "LOOK AT ME" signs everywhere - never mind that they never did anything as such to assist in the running of the event (they were much too busy making sure that their own internal households were doing what they needed to in order to "entertain" the populace).

Either way, it wasn't fun for the rest of us, who were there to enjoy themselves, take a few classes, volunteer a few hours to help the event run smoothly, and perhaps join in at a Bardic or two. Thus was born the non-sanctioned event (that is, an event dedicated to the same types of things that the SCA was, but without the backing or insurance of the SCA)...

Don't get me wrong - I was not in love with the non-sanctioned event, I can only say that I understand the reasons behind creating one.

This year marked the 10th anniversary of the first non-sanctioned event in the area. It also marked, for me, the end of non-sanctioned events that I would be going to. See, while the first and second one apparently were a lot of fun, and not much drama at all, after a few years it became clear to me that it had an increasing amount of drama, and not as much fun for me.

I normally stay out of drama. I tend to help out where I can (namely gate and constab, occasionally heralding announcements), and make sure that if there's more help to be needed, I get the word out to get more people up to volunteer. When it comes into, or at least crouches in front of, my gate, I have issues with it. It stops me from having a good time. And if it stops *me* from having a good time, chances are, it's stopping others from having a good time, too.

While I always understood that this event was for pirate personas (the SCA tends to frown on them as most people tend to portray the most hollywoodized versions of them, with a lot of post-1600 accessories added on for good measure), I got tired of it fairly quickly. Why? No one could actually give an accurate depiction of a pirate - over half of them couldn't even give a definition of nautical terms! It may all be pretend, but wasn't the non-sanctioned event supposed to at least have the ideals of the SCA? Apparently not... The reasons for going to a non-sanctioned event were ever-increasing alcohol and parties, and decreasing information about the era.

I remember going to classes at a non-sanctioned event... They had the same three classes every year - the only ones I remember were "The history of female pirates" Interesting, yes, but a fairly short class - because there were only a handful of them at all - and only 2 or 3 of them prior to 1600 (sorry to be a stickler, but I could go as far as 1640 and still not find another one), AND "The history of courtesans", a really fascinating subject for me - but a lot of it dwelt upon movie representations of it because that's what people could grasp easily. I'm sorry, but courtesans did NOT go out into public during the day dressed like THAT - they'd have gotten stoned. Plain and simple. How do I know? I did research because for a time, that was my persona... Simple, easy to care for clothing for daytime work. The "good" stuff didn't come out until you were at a party, or were entertaining a guest.

I only went to one event this year - it was a non-sanctioned one. I know now that I'd been simply getting more and more fed up each year with the general attitude and lack of anything to do that interested me during the day, when I compared it to a sanctioned event from last year. I was done with non-sanctioned. I didn't have anything to do at all, besides wander merchant's row and listen to raids happening outside my encampment... To put it in short, I was bored.

The return of Fred from the other non-sanctioned event, a blatent pirate event, spurred me to keep from ever wanting to return to it... Steampunk (or Deadwood, or Wild West, or whatever you want to call it) has invaded the merchants, as well as the attendees. Really? REALLY?!?! Are you SERIOUS?! I think not. I'm no stickler about a lot of things, and I certainly won't upbraid anyone about their garb, as long as they make a reasonable attempt at looking the part for the weekend... But STEAMPUNK!!?!?!?! Sorry, but if you want to play "Wild, Wild West", then do it elsewhere... You can join your buddies with the fake elf ears, pan horns, and fangs. They don't belong here! GAH!

On top of that, the local law enforcement apparently came down because of a robbery at a previous campout (non-sca type) and wanted to see whether this event had had similar issues... While there, they apparently smelled certain... GREEN substances in the air. Folks - if you have to have an escape from your escape, you are an addict and need help. Seriously. Not only that, but it's ILLEGAL!!! I don't care what it is, I don't care that you're doing it in your own tent (which, btw, does NOT keep it inside, but carries it across the whole $%#$% campground - some people are allergic, others are small children, and still others just don't want it!), and I don't care about how you feel about the law. These people completely disregarded the fact that, had they wanted to be total asshats, the local law enforcement agents could have closed down the ENTIRE site at that point and forced people to pack up and leave in the dark. Stupid. Just plain stupid, selfish, ADDICTS!

So, with that said, I will not be joining in with any more non-sanctioned events. I am looking forward to next camping season (we're too poor this year for any more), wherein I can once more feel like I'm getting something besides a weekend of stress.


Tuesday, July 07, 2009


So, the final upshot of everything at work was that I got fired... Well, that's not quite true - they gave me the option to resign prior to being fired. Either way, I wouldn't get unenjoyment, as the reasons behind the firing were, apparently, justified.

Now both Fred and I are unemployed. Boo is overjoyed at having us both to herself, but the money has quickly fled, and I'm searching for work, so that I can have an income once more. Fred's hoping that he can get his 401K cashed out so we can at least get the rent paid next month, and possibly the month after that, too.

The good news is that everyone around here is supposedly hiring... The bad news is that there are even more people out of work than there are jobs, and the companies that really ARE hiring are getting to be quite picky about who they hire. They can claim anything they want (pretty much) in the advert, but they don't have to hire you just because you fit their advert. There's a lot of other people out there who are just as qualified, or more so, than you...

The mediocre news is that if worst comes to worst, we can move to Port Townsend and live on my mom's property until we get our feet under us. At least then, we wouldn't have to pay for rent... But, it's 500 miles from our friends and current job connections... A real pain to try and uproot everything and head up there... Not to mention the idea of how long it would take for us to get back to Portland... meh...

It's all been very stressful. I'm cooking - a lot... And I seem to have found a previously undiscovered niche that I'm rather surprised about. I'm good at wedding planning. I never knew that I was, and certainly didn't think about doing it. I rather enjoy it, honestly, which is odd, too... With Silky and David getting married next week, Fred and I have been working on their outfits, and I've been helping Silky make sure that all the things she wants to have happen, happen. Turns out, I have been able to find a lot of stuff that she wasn't able to find, and remember a lot of things that she wouldn't have been able to remember. So, perhaps that is something that I should look into as a side venue... Perhaps...

Meanwhile, I'm applying for at least 3 jobs per day. I'm hoping that if I do that, I can be employed fairly soon...

Wish me luck.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Desperately in Need!!!

So, we aren't sure what happened, but our dear cat, Nibbler, has managed to injure himself rather badly.

There's been a stray cat around the complex for a while. The local animal control refuses to come out to catch it, citing that there are too many pets currently in their shelter, so they'll just capture him, neuter him, and release him back out here... Which won't help things at all.

About 4 days ago, Nibbler and this cat got into a fight on our porch (2nd floor balcony - the damned stray climbed up the bush next to it and decided to invite himself in). We don't know what exactly happened, as we were asleep - a neighbor alerted us to the fight after it happened.

All we know now is that he started favoring his right front paw. Then it moved to his back right paw. Now he's favoring both front and back, though the right front is worse, and the pain seems to be moving toward his ribs, too.

We cannot find a hot spot, a puffy area, or any outward sign of infection. All we know is that he's very much in pain, and we cannot afford to take him to the vet at this point.

Fred is out of work currently, and I'm due to lose my job in a week. We desperately need any help possible to assist us in making our dear kitty better.

If anyone out there is able to spare anything at all, or has animal veterinary training and is able to look at him, please let us know asap. It breaks our hearts to watch him struggle to even walk.

Thank you for anything you can give.


Monday, May 25, 2009


Sometimes it takes me a while to get my brain wrapped around how good I have things... Sure, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs (and most likely will never get out), and there are times I really wish I could just up and quit my job (who doesn't?)...

Still and yet, this weekend I learned (finally) that sometimes, things happen for the best - no matter how hurtful they were at the time...

Fred, Boo and I went to an SCA event this weekend, and we camped near my old household. Turns out, while the ex was not there, his new wife was (the one who was the catalyst for us divorcing). Also, turns out she's now pregnant...

Even though we'd separated over 5 years ago, there was still a lot of harbored resentment and anger toward the both of them by me. I had never actually confronted either of them over the repeated deceit that occurred - not to mention the fact that I was summarily pushed out of my household because of my inability to "play nice" with them after the separation and divorce. It cost me a number of friendships, only one of which is barely getting back to being acquaintence level now.

So, here I was, taken completely unawares by said acquaintence coming up and saying that she was there, AND was pregnant. The ex had never wanted to have a child with me, until after I kicked him out - at which point he tried to use a sudden "change-of-heart" to lure me back.

I was considering staying in camp the whole weekend to avoid having an uncomfortable confrontation. I didn't want the stress, and the chasm of unknown loomed before me, attempting to swallow me whole. I didn't like the feeling of being helpless, but at the same time, didn't want to deal with the situation, either.

Saturday dawned, and I decided, after hearing from another of my campmates that I looked pretty good, I would go to merchant's row and peruse the goods. I put on my best clothes, and make-up, and walked out with my friend - and summarily found myself at the booth the ex's new bride was working at.

I have to say, I was more than civil to her. She showed me the 2 carat platinum wedding band he'd purchased for her, and told me she was pregnant... We talked for a bit about how she was, and she told me how well things were going for her and the ex. She told me that she'd turned him around 180 degrees from where he was when he was with me, and how he was thrilled to be with her and that she was pregnant. And I took it all in and considered.

I could have been mean. I could have been snide. I could have burst her bubble completely if I'd wanted to... People only change if they want to change - they can't be changed by anyone else... You can't "MAKE" someone change... I know - I'd tried with him for years, and it had never worked. But I considered everything that I'd been through from the get-go with him, through to that day, and all the anger, bitterness, rage and emptiness that I'd felt throughout my relationship with him - and afterwards as well... I looked back at how "unworthy" I'd felt since, obviously he had chosen to do all of these things with her, and not with me...

And then I looked at my relationship with Fred... And I realized I have never had to lie (or felt the need to lie) about how our relationship was to anyone - certainly not to myself. I never felt like I was lacking, I never felt worthless, or unnecessary, or somehow less of a person than I should be. I never felt second, and never felt like I needed to change him - or our relationship.

I have a beautiful daughter with him, that he loves, worships and adores - as much as he loves, worships and adores me... I have an amazing girlfriend who loves Boo, and adores both Fred and me. And while I may not have a lot of money, or a house, I have what matters...

So, I was able to honestly tell her that I wished her and him the best of luck in their relationship, and that I hoped that she got everything she wanted from it. I hoped that things continued on well with the both of them, and I wished her a healthy pregnancy and birth.

And I was able to walk away feeling lighter, better, and more in control of myself, my feelings, and my general attitude than I had been in years.

I have to say, it was an amazingly cathartic experience, and the introspection did me (not to mention, I'm sure, my own relationships) a world of good.


Monday, April 27, 2009

On schools, grades, and your precious little snowflake

So, unless you don't have school-aged children, or don't have friends who have school-aged children, you wouldn't know about the increasing terror in the public education system about... da-da-da-DUM!!!

Letter Grades!!!!

Oooohh! I know - so scary. And yet, apparently, according to more and more school districts, letter grades are a horrible thing for our children to have to deal with...,2933,518101,00.html

According to many school psychiatrists now, your precious little snowflake can't handle the pressures of school and the possibility of a failing grade, so they've change how they're handling things, to allow for all children to be able to do as little as possible and still get passed through.

How? Well, changing over from letter grades to P for "pass" or H for "held" (where basically, they get a do-over without being penalized for it) is apparently a start. "Administrators and teachers say the policies provide hope for underperforming students".

Oh puh-leeze!

Let's clear up a few things here about this whole grading process, shall we?

When I went to school (and no, I didn't have to walk both ways uphill, in the snow, barefooted), we were expected to do homework and turn it in on time. We were expected to study, to show up on time, to be respectful of both our fellow students and our teachers, and we took our exams. Even if we didn't PASS the exam, the overall work that we did in class, as well as our homework, showed whether we were competant with the material that was being doled out to us.

We may not have performed well on tests, but if we did everything else in class, we'd still pass the class with a C or better. And normally, the teacher would notice that we didn't do well on tests, and try to either work with us for different ways to try taking the test, or suggest ways to study better for them...

We were NOT told "Gee, it's too bad that you can't seem to pass the test, so we're going to simply put you on a hold for this class, and you'll get to open-book the test so you will pass it... And I'll even read you the answers so you'll get them right..."

We were NOT told "Oh, poor thing... I'm so sorry that you don't get enough time with your friends because you had to do your homework tonight - so we'll let it slide this semester, since we know that a letter grade doesn't reflect YOU as a person... Instead, you can write a short essay on how you feel now that you don't have any pressure placed on you."

And we CERTAINLY were NOT told "Oh! I'm so sorry that you feel like you're a failure because you've refused to do the work that was expected of you and you're falling behind... here - how about if I have the teacher fill out the answers for you, and you can sign your name at the top! Won't that make you feel better?!"

And we wonder why it is, we now have so many people who are disinterested in working, feel resentment at their bosses for expecting them to put in a full day's work for a full day's pay, and it's more and more difficult to get quality work out of new employees...

Hmmm... Maybe your precious little snowflake could have used a paddling...


Sunday, April 26, 2009


So, yeah... about that updating every day - or even once a week thing... Oops. Hey, what can I say - Life got the better of me.

What's been going on? Nothing of much import... Cleaning, sewing, working, being a mom... the generic stuff that drives people to do stupid stuff like spend too much money and then stress about where rent's going to come from. *rolls eyes*

Honestly, I've just been trying to make it from one day to the next lately. Had to take 3 days off work due to a particularly nasty headcold/sinus infection/migraine thing... Not sure what the heck is up with that, but apparently my daughter is the epidemic incubator of the world, determined to infect everyone around her with practically terminal virul infections. It's a good thing she's cute and we love her...

She's learning more words almost by the second, and is getting faster at zipping around the house, climbing up and down, and generally getting into EVERYTHING... I can only hope that we can manage to get most of the breakables into a room she has absolutely no access to until she's 15, or get them all attached to the ceiling - or else it's curtains for all the china and glassware... She's managed already to break two of the spines off the crystal hedgehog... I'll be putting that up higher now...

Anyway, other than that, nothing else is really happening... My life is pretty mundane lately, and I'm ok with that.