So, we aren't sure what happened, but our dear cat, Nibbler, has managed to injure himself rather badly.
There's been a stray cat around the complex for a while. The local animal control refuses to come out to catch it, citing that there are too many pets currently in their shelter, so they'll just capture him, neuter him, and release him back out here... Which won't help things at all.
About 4 days ago, Nibbler and this cat got into a fight on our porch (2nd floor balcony - the damned stray climbed up the bush next to it and decided to invite himself in). We don't know what exactly happened, as we were asleep - a neighbor alerted us to the fight after it happened.
All we know now is that he started favoring his right front paw. Then it moved to his back right paw. Now he's favoring both front and back, though the right front is worse, and the pain seems to be moving toward his ribs, too.
We cannot find a hot spot, a puffy area, or any outward sign of infection. All we know is that he's very much in pain, and we cannot afford to take him to the vet at this point.
Fred is out of work currently, and I'm due to lose my job in a week. We desperately need any help possible to assist us in making our dear kitty better.
If anyone out there is able to spare anything at all, or has animal veterinary training and is able to look at him, please let us know asap. It breaks our hearts to watch him struggle to even walk.
Thank you for anything you can give.
~M
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Introspection...
Sometimes it takes me a while to get my brain wrapped around how good I have things... Sure, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs (and most likely will never get out), and there are times I really wish I could just up and quit my job (who doesn't?)...
Still and yet, this weekend I learned (finally) that sometimes, things happen for the best - no matter how hurtful they were at the time...
Fred, Boo and I went to an SCA event this weekend, and we camped near my old household. Turns out, while the ex was not there, his new wife was (the one who was the catalyst for us divorcing). Also, turns out she's now pregnant...
Even though we'd separated over 5 years ago, there was still a lot of harbored resentment and anger toward the both of them by me. I had never actually confronted either of them over the repeated deceit that occurred - not to mention the fact that I was summarily pushed out of my household because of my inability to "play nice" with them after the separation and divorce. It cost me a number of friendships, only one of which is barely getting back to being acquaintence level now.
So, here I was, taken completely unawares by said acquaintence coming up and saying that she was there, AND was pregnant. The ex had never wanted to have a child with me, until after I kicked him out - at which point he tried to use a sudden "change-of-heart" to lure me back.
I was considering staying in camp the whole weekend to avoid having an uncomfortable confrontation. I didn't want the stress, and the chasm of unknown loomed before me, attempting to swallow me whole. I didn't like the feeling of being helpless, but at the same time, didn't want to deal with the situation, either.
Saturday dawned, and I decided, after hearing from another of my campmates that I looked pretty good, I would go to merchant's row and peruse the goods. I put on my best clothes, and make-up, and walked out with my friend - and summarily found myself at the booth the ex's new bride was working at.
I have to say, I was more than civil to her. She showed me the 2 carat platinum wedding band he'd purchased for her, and told me she was pregnant... We talked for a bit about how she was, and she told me how well things were going for her and the ex. She told me that she'd turned him around 180 degrees from where he was when he was with me, and how he was thrilled to be with her and that she was pregnant. And I took it all in and considered.
I could have been mean. I could have been snide. I could have burst her bubble completely if I'd wanted to... People only change if they want to change - they can't be changed by anyone else... You can't "MAKE" someone change... I know - I'd tried with him for years, and it had never worked. But I considered everything that I'd been through from the get-go with him, through to that day, and all the anger, bitterness, rage and emptiness that I'd felt throughout my relationship with him - and afterwards as well... I looked back at how "unworthy" I'd felt since, obviously he had chosen to do all of these things with her, and not with me...
And then I looked at my relationship with Fred... And I realized I have never had to lie (or felt the need to lie) about how our relationship was to anyone - certainly not to myself. I never felt like I was lacking, I never felt worthless, or unnecessary, or somehow less of a person than I should be. I never felt second, and never felt like I needed to change him - or our relationship.
I have a beautiful daughter with him, that he loves, worships and adores - as much as he loves, worships and adores me... I have an amazing girlfriend who loves Boo, and adores both Fred and me. And while I may not have a lot of money, or a house, I have what matters...
So, I was able to honestly tell her that I wished her and him the best of luck in their relationship, and that I hoped that she got everything she wanted from it. I hoped that things continued on well with the both of them, and I wished her a healthy pregnancy and birth.
And I was able to walk away feeling lighter, better, and more in control of myself, my feelings, and my general attitude than I had been in years.
I have to say, it was an amazingly cathartic experience, and the introspection did me (not to mention, I'm sure, my own relationships) a world of good.
~M
Still and yet, this weekend I learned (finally) that sometimes, things happen for the best - no matter how hurtful they were at the time...
Fred, Boo and I went to an SCA event this weekend, and we camped near my old household. Turns out, while the ex was not there, his new wife was (the one who was the catalyst for us divorcing). Also, turns out she's now pregnant...
Even though we'd separated over 5 years ago, there was still a lot of harbored resentment and anger toward the both of them by me. I had never actually confronted either of them over the repeated deceit that occurred - not to mention the fact that I was summarily pushed out of my household because of my inability to "play nice" with them after the separation and divorce. It cost me a number of friendships, only one of which is barely getting back to being acquaintence level now.
So, here I was, taken completely unawares by said acquaintence coming up and saying that she was there, AND was pregnant. The ex had never wanted to have a child with me, until after I kicked him out - at which point he tried to use a sudden "change-of-heart" to lure me back.
I was considering staying in camp the whole weekend to avoid having an uncomfortable confrontation. I didn't want the stress, and the chasm of unknown loomed before me, attempting to swallow me whole. I didn't like the feeling of being helpless, but at the same time, didn't want to deal with the situation, either.
Saturday dawned, and I decided, after hearing from another of my campmates that I looked pretty good, I would go to merchant's row and peruse the goods. I put on my best clothes, and make-up, and walked out with my friend - and summarily found myself at the booth the ex's new bride was working at.
I have to say, I was more than civil to her. She showed me the 2 carat platinum wedding band he'd purchased for her, and told me she was pregnant... We talked for a bit about how she was, and she told me how well things were going for her and the ex. She told me that she'd turned him around 180 degrees from where he was when he was with me, and how he was thrilled to be with her and that she was pregnant. And I took it all in and considered.
I could have been mean. I could have been snide. I could have burst her bubble completely if I'd wanted to... People only change if they want to change - they can't be changed by anyone else... You can't "MAKE" someone change... I know - I'd tried with him for years, and it had never worked. But I considered everything that I'd been through from the get-go with him, through to that day, and all the anger, bitterness, rage and emptiness that I'd felt throughout my relationship with him - and afterwards as well... I looked back at how "unworthy" I'd felt since, obviously he had chosen to do all of these things with her, and not with me...
And then I looked at my relationship with Fred... And I realized I have never had to lie (or felt the need to lie) about how our relationship was to anyone - certainly not to myself. I never felt like I was lacking, I never felt worthless, or unnecessary, or somehow less of a person than I should be. I never felt second, and never felt like I needed to change him - or our relationship.
I have a beautiful daughter with him, that he loves, worships and adores - as much as he loves, worships and adores me... I have an amazing girlfriend who loves Boo, and adores both Fred and me. And while I may not have a lot of money, or a house, I have what matters...
So, I was able to honestly tell her that I wished her and him the best of luck in their relationship, and that I hoped that she got everything she wanted from it. I hoped that things continued on well with the both of them, and I wished her a healthy pregnancy and birth.
And I was able to walk away feeling lighter, better, and more in control of myself, my feelings, and my general attitude than I had been in years.
I have to say, it was an amazingly cathartic experience, and the introspection did me (not to mention, I'm sure, my own relationships) a world of good.
~M
Monday, April 27, 2009
On schools, grades, and your precious little snowflake
So, unless you don't have school-aged children, or don't have friends who have school-aged children, you wouldn't know about the increasing terror in the public education system about... da-da-da-DUM!!!
Letter Grades!!!!
Oooohh! I know - so scary. And yet, apparently, according to more and more school districts, letter grades are a horrible thing for our children to have to deal with...
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,518101,00.html
According to many school psychiatrists now, your precious little snowflake can't handle the pressures of school and the possibility of a failing grade, so they've change how they're handling things, to allow for all children to be able to do as little as possible and still get passed through.
How? Well, changing over from letter grades to P for "pass" or H for "held" (where basically, they get a do-over without being penalized for it) is apparently a start. "Administrators and teachers say the policies provide hope for underperforming students".
Oh puh-leeze!
Let's clear up a few things here about this whole grading process, shall we?
When I went to school (and no, I didn't have to walk both ways uphill, in the snow, barefooted), we were expected to do homework and turn it in on time. We were expected to study, to show up on time, to be respectful of both our fellow students and our teachers, and we took our exams. Even if we didn't PASS the exam, the overall work that we did in class, as well as our homework, showed whether we were competant with the material that was being doled out to us.
We may not have performed well on tests, but if we did everything else in class, we'd still pass the class with a C or better. And normally, the teacher would notice that we didn't do well on tests, and try to either work with us for different ways to try taking the test, or suggest ways to study better for them...
We were NOT told "Gee, it's too bad that you can't seem to pass the test, so we're going to simply put you on a hold for this class, and you'll get to open-book the test so you will pass it... And I'll even read you the answers so you'll get them right..."
We were NOT told "Oh, poor thing... I'm so sorry that you don't get enough time with your friends because you had to do your homework tonight - so we'll let it slide this semester, since we know that a letter grade doesn't reflect YOU as a person... Instead, you can write a short essay on how you feel now that you don't have any pressure placed on you."
And we CERTAINLY were NOT told "Oh! I'm so sorry that you feel like you're a failure because you've refused to do the work that was expected of you and you're falling behind... here - how about if I have the teacher fill out the answers for you, and you can sign your name at the top! Won't that make you feel better?!"
And we wonder why it is, we now have so many people who are disinterested in working, feel resentment at their bosses for expecting them to put in a full day's work for a full day's pay, and it's more and more difficult to get quality work out of new employees...
Hmmm... Maybe your precious little snowflake could have used a paddling...
~M
Letter Grades!!!!
Oooohh! I know - so scary. And yet, apparently, according to more and more school districts, letter grades are a horrible thing for our children to have to deal with...
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,518101,00.html
According to many school psychiatrists now, your precious little snowflake can't handle the pressures of school and the possibility of a failing grade, so they've change how they're handling things, to allow for all children to be able to do as little as possible and still get passed through.
How? Well, changing over from letter grades to P for "pass" or H for "held" (where basically, they get a do-over without being penalized for it) is apparently a start. "Administrators and teachers say the policies provide hope for underperforming students".
Oh puh-leeze!
Let's clear up a few things here about this whole grading process, shall we?
When I went to school (and no, I didn't have to walk both ways uphill, in the snow, barefooted), we were expected to do homework and turn it in on time. We were expected to study, to show up on time, to be respectful of both our fellow students and our teachers, and we took our exams. Even if we didn't PASS the exam, the overall work that we did in class, as well as our homework, showed whether we were competant with the material that was being doled out to us.
We may not have performed well on tests, but if we did everything else in class, we'd still pass the class with a C or better. And normally, the teacher would notice that we didn't do well on tests, and try to either work with us for different ways to try taking the test, or suggest ways to study better for them...
We were NOT told "Gee, it's too bad that you can't seem to pass the test, so we're going to simply put you on a hold for this class, and you'll get to open-book the test so you will pass it... And I'll even read you the answers so you'll get them right..."
We were NOT told "Oh, poor thing... I'm so sorry that you don't get enough time with your friends because you had to do your homework tonight - so we'll let it slide this semester, since we know that a letter grade doesn't reflect YOU as a person... Instead, you can write a short essay on how you feel now that you don't have any pressure placed on you."
And we CERTAINLY were NOT told "Oh! I'm so sorry that you feel like you're a failure because you've refused to do the work that was expected of you and you're falling behind... here - how about if I have the teacher fill out the answers for you, and you can sign your name at the top! Won't that make you feel better?!"
And we wonder why it is, we now have so many people who are disinterested in working, feel resentment at their bosses for expecting them to put in a full day's work for a full day's pay, and it's more and more difficult to get quality work out of new employees...
Hmmm... Maybe your precious little snowflake could have used a paddling...
~M
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Whoops...
So, yeah... about that updating every day - or even once a week thing... Oops. Hey, what can I say - Life got the better of me.
What's been going on? Nothing of much import... Cleaning, sewing, working, being a mom... the generic stuff that drives people to do stupid stuff like spend too much money and then stress about where rent's going to come from. *rolls eyes*
Honestly, I've just been trying to make it from one day to the next lately. Had to take 3 days off work due to a particularly nasty headcold/sinus infection/migraine thing... Not sure what the heck is up with that, but apparently my daughter is the epidemic incubator of the world, determined to infect everyone around her with practically terminal virul infections. It's a good thing she's cute and we love her...
She's learning more words almost by the second, and is getting faster at zipping around the house, climbing up and down, and generally getting into EVERYTHING... I can only hope that we can manage to get most of the breakables into a room she has absolutely no access to until she's 15, or get them all attached to the ceiling - or else it's curtains for all the china and glassware... She's managed already to break two of the spines off the crystal hedgehog... I'll be putting that up higher now...
Anyway, other than that, nothing else is really happening... My life is pretty mundane lately, and I'm ok with that.
~M
What's been going on? Nothing of much import... Cleaning, sewing, working, being a mom... the generic stuff that drives people to do stupid stuff like spend too much money and then stress about where rent's going to come from. *rolls eyes*
Honestly, I've just been trying to make it from one day to the next lately. Had to take 3 days off work due to a particularly nasty headcold/sinus infection/migraine thing... Not sure what the heck is up with that, but apparently my daughter is the epidemic incubator of the world, determined to infect everyone around her with practically terminal virul infections. It's a good thing she's cute and we love her...
She's learning more words almost by the second, and is getting faster at zipping around the house, climbing up and down, and generally getting into EVERYTHING... I can only hope that we can manage to get most of the breakables into a room she has absolutely no access to until she's 15, or get them all attached to the ceiling - or else it's curtains for all the china and glassware... She's managed already to break two of the spines off the crystal hedgehog... I'll be putting that up higher now...
Anyway, other than that, nothing else is really happening... My life is pretty mundane lately, and I'm ok with that.
~M
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Saving...
I've been trying lately to start saving money by clipping coupons and looking for good buys in the stores. So far, I'm not doing too badly, though I've just started.
So far, I'm waiting for some manufacturer coupons to come in the mail, and am going to start picking up the sunday paper for the coupons as well.
I'd like to ask that if any of my readers end up with manufacturer coupons that won't use them, please think about handing them over to me. I'll be glad to take them off your hands...
If you're looking to try and save a little cash, you might try clipping coupons and checking out this last Tuesday's Food Day in the Oregonian. There were some great tips in there about how to best use coupons.
Also, there's plenty of online, printable coupons out there. Keep in mind, though - WinCo does NOT take internet printed coupons, nor do they price-match or take competitors coupons. Only manufacturer coupons.
You may also try to grow a little something to help out your kitchen. Even herbs can help, and are easy to grow on a porch. I know, because I'm growing some myself. They're going to be so much easier to keep this way, won't get stuck in my fridge forever until they rot, and are less expensive to keep than $2/package of herbs...
So, there's my two cents worth for attempting to save some green. :-)
~M
Updated 11:45am 3-27-09
http://www.oregonlive.com/foodday/index.ssf/2009/03/cutting_costs_with_coupons.html
According to this lady, there are organic coupons available, if you search for them. So, if you have issues with purchasing foods that are pre-processed, there are still ways to cut costs.
So far, I'm waiting for some manufacturer coupons to come in the mail, and am going to start picking up the sunday paper for the coupons as well.
I'd like to ask that if any of my readers end up with manufacturer coupons that won't use them, please think about handing them over to me. I'll be glad to take them off your hands...
If you're looking to try and save a little cash, you might try clipping coupons and checking out this last Tuesday's Food Day in the Oregonian. There were some great tips in there about how to best use coupons.
Also, there's plenty of online, printable coupons out there. Keep in mind, though - WinCo does NOT take internet printed coupons, nor do they price-match or take competitors coupons. Only manufacturer coupons.
You may also try to grow a little something to help out your kitchen. Even herbs can help, and are easy to grow on a porch. I know, because I'm growing some myself. They're going to be so much easier to keep this way, won't get stuck in my fridge forever until they rot, and are less expensive to keep than $2/package of herbs...
So, there's my two cents worth for attempting to save some green. :-)
~M
Updated 11:45am 3-27-09
http://www.oregonlive.com/foodday/index.ssf/2009/03/cutting_costs_with_coupons.html
According to this lady, there are organic coupons available, if you search for them. So, if you have issues with purchasing foods that are pre-processed, there are still ways to cut costs.
Monday, March 23, 2009
And onto the next phase...
So, Friday the dental clinic finally called me back - at 5pm... They said they couldn't set up an appointment or make decisions regarding my care until they got my chart back from the other clinic where I had the urgent appointment on Wednesday...
I'm sorry, what? You don't have my chart back to the regular clinic, and it's been 48 hours? Why didn't they send it back that evening before closing - seeing as how it's only 2.5 miles away from you... Their answer? "I don't know..."
I see...
So, supposedly, I'm to hear from them today. I'm not going to wait - I'm calling at my first break, and then if I don't hear back, I'll call at my lunch, and lather, rinse, repeat until I get somewhere. This has to be some of the worst customer service and patient treatment I've ever had in my life, I swear to the good Goddess above.
This will make appointment # 5 that I've had to make to get ONE tooth fixed. OMG. This falls under the "That's just sad" category.
~M
I'm sorry, what? You don't have my chart back to the regular clinic, and it's been 48 hours? Why didn't they send it back that evening before closing - seeing as how it's only 2.5 miles away from you... Their answer? "I don't know..."
I see...
So, supposedly, I'm to hear from them today. I'm not going to wait - I'm calling at my first break, and then if I don't hear back, I'll call at my lunch, and lather, rinse, repeat until I get somewhere. This has to be some of the worst customer service and patient treatment I've ever had in my life, I swear to the good Goddess above.
This will make appointment # 5 that I've had to make to get ONE tooth fixed. OMG. This falls under the "That's just sad" category.
~M
Friday, March 13, 2009
Murphy... Paging Dr Murphy...
So, the whole thing with the tooth... Yeah... It's still going on. My Dr's name is apparently Murphy - as in "the laws of"...
It wouldn't be so bad but for the pain, and the ever-present worry that something worse is going to happen now that the top of the tooth has been removed and only a temporary cap has been placed on top... Like, oh, say, the whole tooth deciding that it's had enough and it's going to split in half... fun stuff.
Yesterday was an exersize in frustration trying to get the clinics to understand that I wasn't going to wait until April (yes, APRIL!!) for another appointment, nor was I going to go in and pay an extra $50 for an "emergency" appointment just to have them do something "temporary" on it to "get me through"... They can give me drugs and I'll be happy.
So, after spending over an hour arguing back and forth with them, it was determined that I'll go in next Wednesday morning and, barring even MORE complications, I'll have the root canal done then. Yay me.
I feel certain that my boss is loving me right now... I warm the cockles of her heart, I'm sure...
~M
It wouldn't be so bad but for the pain, and the ever-present worry that something worse is going to happen now that the top of the tooth has been removed and only a temporary cap has been placed on top... Like, oh, say, the whole tooth deciding that it's had enough and it's going to split in half... fun stuff.
Yesterday was an exersize in frustration trying to get the clinics to understand that I wasn't going to wait until April (yes, APRIL!!) for another appointment, nor was I going to go in and pay an extra $50 for an "emergency" appointment just to have them do something "temporary" on it to "get me through"... They can give me drugs and I'll be happy.
So, after spending over an hour arguing back and forth with them, it was determined that I'll go in next Wednesday morning and, barring even MORE complications, I'll have the root canal done then. Yay me.
I feel certain that my boss is loving me right now... I warm the cockles of her heart, I'm sure...
~M
Friday, March 06, 2009
Yikes!
So, I'm currently on large quantities of Ibuprofen and vicoden. Why? Because I'm in the midst of a root canal, and apparently I'm super special because I have what's known as a "hot tooth". It has to be one of the more painful things I've gone through, barring giving birth.
They've managed to take the cap off the tooth, and start removing the stuff in it, stuck stuff into the tooth to kill the root, and stuck a cap back onto the tooth. Why? because they were unable to anestetise me enough to keep working on the tooth... So, I have to go to a specialist next Thursday. Yes, Thursday... That means a whole 7 days with this BS to go through, and hope that I have enough pain meds to get through to then. Otherwise, I'll be screaming over the telephone at them to get me more.
Currently, I've lost 3 days to this, and am not looking forward to losing more. I've had to ask for FMLA to cover the time off, so that I don't get hit with attendence points, because I'll be damned if I will get in trouble for this darned thing.
They've managed to take the cap off the tooth, and start removing the stuff in it, stuck stuff into the tooth to kill the root, and stuck a cap back onto the tooth. Why? because they were unable to anestetise me enough to keep working on the tooth... So, I have to go to a specialist next Thursday. Yes, Thursday... That means a whole 7 days with this BS to go through, and hope that I have enough pain meds to get through to then. Otherwise, I'll be screaming over the telephone at them to get me more.
Currently, I've lost 3 days to this, and am not looking forward to losing more. I've had to ask for FMLA to cover the time off, so that I don't get hit with attendence points, because I'll be damned if I will get in trouble for this darned thing.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Done...
I could say that it's the weather, or stress, or the bills we're currently facing, or just plain depression... But I don't know whether it's any of those or just a lack of better living through chemistry... I just feel crappy. I am not taking joy in most of the things that I normally would, and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any second. I want to cry at a moment's notice, I don't want to do anything besides sleep, and I can't even begin to clean my house - I have no clue where to start...
I'm so overwhelmed with everything that it's so tempting to just quit everything and run away. I can taste the impulse when I wake up in the morning, and feel it in the back of my head when I go to bed at night. I have looked longingly at the sunrise, wanting to follow it away from where I am, and dreamed of sunsets far from where I live.
I'm told that I just need to deal with it, that it will get better, that things aren't that horrible... I hear my daughter's laughter in my ears and wonder what, if anything, I can ever give her that could equal a stable life... I look at the joy and wonder in her eyes and wish that I could get those things back for myself as well - knowing that I probably never will.
I look in the mirror and I hate what I see there - a useless, selfish piece of fat crap that does nothing to better herself and refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I know what I *could* do, but I don't do it. I *could* cut out everything that's non-essential that we're paying for currently, and thereby be able to make all the payments necessary to bring my bills closed completely more easily... We don't technically NEED internet, or cable, or technically even phones... But I won't do it. I'm selfish, and I refuse to cut those things out. I *could* cut out most of the excess food that we have wandering around the house and get down to beans and rice, with some veggies for variety. But I won't do that... I'm selfish, and I like to have good tasting food - not just food that will sustain me.
I feel dead inside, a husk of a human being, having had the life and love sucked out of me on a constant basis by debt and stress.
I should be happy... I have a job, a roof over my head, a supportive husband, a fabu girlfriend, and an amazingly wonderful daughter. These are gifts that I should appreciate and be joyful for, and I shouldn't overlook the significance of having them in my life... I shouldn't take them for granted, nor should I dismiss them readily.
And yet... I can't get over the feeling that somehow, I've let down everyone around me. I haven't done enough, haven't given enough, haven't been enough - and I never will be enough, or reach the point of having given enough or having done enough. I'll always be lacking, and I'll always end up being less than I should be for those around me.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I should even be around...
I'm so overwhelmed with everything that it's so tempting to just quit everything and run away. I can taste the impulse when I wake up in the morning, and feel it in the back of my head when I go to bed at night. I have looked longingly at the sunrise, wanting to follow it away from where I am, and dreamed of sunsets far from where I live.
I'm told that I just need to deal with it, that it will get better, that things aren't that horrible... I hear my daughter's laughter in my ears and wonder what, if anything, I can ever give her that could equal a stable life... I look at the joy and wonder in her eyes and wish that I could get those things back for myself as well - knowing that I probably never will.
I look in the mirror and I hate what I see there - a useless, selfish piece of fat crap that does nothing to better herself and refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I know what I *could* do, but I don't do it. I *could* cut out everything that's non-essential that we're paying for currently, and thereby be able to make all the payments necessary to bring my bills closed completely more easily... We don't technically NEED internet, or cable, or technically even phones... But I won't do it. I'm selfish, and I refuse to cut those things out. I *could* cut out most of the excess food that we have wandering around the house and get down to beans and rice, with some veggies for variety. But I won't do that... I'm selfish, and I like to have good tasting food - not just food that will sustain me.
I feel dead inside, a husk of a human being, having had the life and love sucked out of me on a constant basis by debt and stress.
I should be happy... I have a job, a roof over my head, a supportive husband, a fabu girlfriend, and an amazingly wonderful daughter. These are gifts that I should appreciate and be joyful for, and I shouldn't overlook the significance of having them in my life... I shouldn't take them for granted, nor should I dismiss them readily.
And yet... I can't get over the feeling that somehow, I've let down everyone around me. I haven't done enough, haven't given enough, haven't been enough - and I never will be enough, or reach the point of having given enough or having done enough. I'll always be lacking, and I'll always end up being less than I should be for those around me.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I should even be around...
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