Failing to launch...

I guess I’m going to just chalk it up to the baby blahs… It’s possible that the weather has something to do with it, too, but this whole “downer” feeling started before the bad weather hit here.

It seems to be all I can physically and mentally do just to get out of bed right now. All I honestly *want* to do is lay down and cry about absolutely nothing at all. I have no idea why, and can’t give a specific reason, but that’s what I want to do.

I don’t feel good about myself – not about how I look, or what I’m doing around the house (or lack thereof , what with my back being buggered up lately), or even how I’m feeling about everything – which just makes for an insanely vicious cycle to fall downward into. Logically, I know that this is just a phase and I’m sure to bounce out of it sooner or later. I just feel so empty, though. Like there’s wind whistling through my soul and I can’t seem to find a warm spot for it to be in.

I am filled with doubts about my own ability to take care of Elizabeth, myself, Fred, the house in general. I can’t stop thinking that somehow, when Elizabeth arrives, I’m going to be so hopelessly backed up in chores and bills that I won’t be able to ever catch up again, and we’ll be booted out of the apartment because we won’t be able to afford it.

I doubt my own attractiveness – and while most would say “well, of course, that’s to be expected”, it’s not something that *I* expected. I can’t say that I’m surprised too much about it, considering my changing shape (though not weight), and the lack of energy for anything… But it still is something I am now dealing with along with everything else.

I feel like a failure because I can’t do everything that is needed to be done at home – and I don’t feel comfortable asking for help because everyone I know works so hard – I don’t want to bother them. I am normally so self-sufficient, and the further along I get in the pregnancy, the harder it is for me to do everyday stuff – and the harder it is to admit that I can’t do them.

I have so much to do, and I just can’t find the energy to do any of it. I need to have the bathtub re-caulked, the baby room and dining room windows need cleaned and sealed off for the winter, all of my plants need re-potted, and I have a planter for the crocus memorial for Shady, but haven’t gotten around to doing that, either.

I’m dreading the holidays because I am already so stressed out and frazzled with everything I’m not doing (or not able to do), and everything that isn’t happening (or isn’t being made to happen) – I can’t imagine going through with everything. Work is a pseudo-haven for me, if only because it’s mostly brainless and I don’t have to think… It’s a double-edged sword, though, since because it’s mostly brainless, I find myself starting to stress all over again about what is and isn’t happening, what I can and can’t do anymore, and how much of a failure I feel like.

I hate failure – and I hate feeling this way… I just don’t know how to fix it.

~M