Re-defining when to go...

So, Lanius did a post yesterday about when to let go of a relationship... I thought it such a great topic that I decided to follow it with my own thoughts on the subject, since I've had such a plethora of relationship woes in my past... Mostly with one person (scary).

First of all, GOOD relationships, as a whole, should involve a lot of three things: Communication, communication, communication. Without it, there will be misunderstandings, angry words, fights about absolutely nothing, mistrust, and general mayhem and dischord, until the whole things melts into oblivion, leaving both sides to wonder what in Odin's name happened.

Strictly speaking from my own personal experience, getting into a relationship when you're young is probably not the best thing in the world - unless both people are looking to grow together... I know, there are exceptions to this. I've met them. I'm amazed by them, honestly. Then again, these people have known one another since grade school and have grown up together understanding what and where their foibles came from. Makes it a bit easier once romance is added to the mix, if only because they've seen their significant other at both their best and their worst - before they got rose-tinted glasses.

Still and yet, the majority of those who enter into a romantic or serious relationship at a young age end up (eventually) getting hurt because one person will grow toward maturity while the other one doesn't - or they grow at different rates and it just doesn't mesh well.

That's not to say that no one should date until you're 30. On the contrary, go ahead, date to your heart's content. Just don't have serious expectations of walking down the aisle, or staying with this person for more than a few months. Rare it is to have high school sweethearts stay together past graduation, and get married, and STAY married... (Yeah, the piece on the news yesterday about the couple having their 80th anniversary? There's a reason it was on the news - it's RARE, people).

There's also the issues of when to call it off. Is it something big that they're doing? Or is it something that honestly, really, while it bugs the hell out of you at times, is something that is live-withable? It's a matter of picking your battles and defining what is important to you, as an individual. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't negate the fact that you are still an individual, needing specific things that your significant other may or may not need.

In my world, there are a few simple rules that dictate whether to go after the situation with a vengeance or whether to simply let it go and not sweat it:

1. Hurting anyone, even ones-self, on purpose, whether physically, mentally or emotionally - yeah, that's gonna be a battle.

2. Constant belittling of someone, unconsciously - yeah, that's gonna be a battle, too.

3. Drinking or eating the last of something and not putting it on the list for shopping - nope, not going to be a big deal. I can look, too.

4. Using the last of the shampoo and not replacing it and/or not tossing the empty bottle - nope, not going to be a big deal. I am capable of throwing stuff away.

5. Being nasty to the family pet, for no apparent reason - yeah, that's gonna be a battle.

It's not always so black and white in the world, but you get the idea - if it's something that either of you were either capable of doing yourself but didn't, or either of you have been guilty of doing in the past (eating the last ho-ho and not putting it on the list being one of them), then chances are, it's probably not worth it to fight or bicker about it until you both throw up your hands and quit the relationship. I mean, honestly - it's a ho-ho, folks, metaphore or not. Let's get real, here.

On the other hand, if your significant other constantly puts you, your friends, your family, your pet or themselves into dangerous or even life-threatening situations, then yeah, it's time for a reckoning. No one has the right to do that to another living creature (We aren't talking getting meat from an animal for food - we'll save that arguement for another day). I don't care if it's drugs, alcohol, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse... Whatever. I don't care. No one has the right to do that and then expect that the next morning, everything will be ok and happy and shiny. Because it won't be.

I know - I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for 10 years. TEN!! And I'm a reasonably intelligent person - most times (I don't wanna hear it, Lil. Giggle)... I made excuses, blamed myself for his shortcomings, and generally did everything I could to make the situation better without actually addressing the issue. Why? Because I was afraid of being alone. He had brainwashed me so well into thinking I could never find anyone who would "love" me the way that he did, and no one else besides him wanted me - I was terrified of never finding anyone else.

Frankly, he was both right and wrong... Once I was free of him, I didn't find another person who "loved" me the way that he did. And thank the ever-loving Gods for it. I also found a number of people who did want me, regardless of what I'd been through, what kind of emotional or mental wreck I was, or how I looked. And I thank the ever-loving Gods for that, too.

How did I get free of him? Well, I had a lot of help from friends, and it was a two year process of me growing up and away from him while he mentally stagnated and either ignored me or continued to try and verbally tear me down... Once I did do something (I packed up his things and told him to get out), he was all of a sudden all over me, trying to "make up" for all the things he had done in the past, etc, etc... I refused to listen to him, and through all of it, I found something that had been lost in those 10 years... myself.

The bottom line is, you pick your own battles in your relationship, regardless of whether they be big ones or small. The trick is to figure out what's big and what isn't, and what's important and what's not. I won't lie - Fred and I have things that we don't always agree about. But we look at each of them in turn and decide whether it's big enough to confront or not. Is it something that could potentially destroy us or is it something that we can learn to live with?

Either way, while we may mention something in passing to friends as an occasional annoyance, it's not something that will make or break the relationship. It's just one of those things that we learn to live with because we're here for the long run - people aren't perfect, but we can learn to live with one anothers imperfections if they aren't going to harm us.

~M