Fears...

Got an email the other day from an old friend from college days. She's moved across the world and is literally on opposite ends of the earth from where I am currently. We haven't seen one another in over 10 years, yet we have kept up a passing friendship, via email, which is cool.

I told her about my marriage, and our news of the impending new arrival. She said she was glad that I wasn't claiming to be "ready", but that I was instead stating that I was going to do whatever it took to be the best mother I could be. It's something I've always strived for; to be the best [insert whatever here] I could be, whether it was lover, friend, sister, wife, you name it. And yet, I fear...

I have such fears in my life, and they are growing in leaps and bounds the further along I get. I know they come from my own insecurities, and I know that some of them are simply silly - yet they are there. I cannot seem to quell them, to cure them, or even control them at times. They set off the "what-if" button and keep me awake at night. They throw me into mild panic attacks when I'm not busy enough to keep my brain from dwelling soley on them...

I don't know even where to begin with them. I start thinking about making a list, and all of a sudden, the entire lot of them is there, tumbling over my head like an avalanche. It's like taking the bottom can out of a pyramid, and watching the entire group topple over. I fear to even speak of them, because of the possible damage that could occur if I should disturb that one bottom can... If I start talking about them, what happens when I get to the end? Will I have figured out what it is I need to do to fix it? If I haven't, where do I go from there?

Am I honestly ready for any of this? Am I really responsible enough to take care of another person? What if I screw up? What if I can't get over my eating issues? What if something goes wrong with the pregnancy? What happens if I lose my job? Where are we going to get enough room for everyone? Are we going to be able to afford this? Am I going to teach my child my bad habits? Am I going to have temper issues with my child? What if I'm not patient enough, or kind enough, or understanding enough, or firm enough? What if I can't make the time needed to take care of my child properly? What if I'm too patient, too kind, too understanding, not firm enough? Where is the line between being a friend and being a parent? What if I can't breastfeed? What if I can't ask for help? Where are we going to get help when we need it? What if there isn't any help available? What if my mental issues get worse once the baby is born? What if the baby has issues?

There's a thousand more questions running through my head at the moment. It makes me dizzy with the constant circling - like being in the midst of a hurricane. I feel like being pregnant is sort of like being in the eye of the storm; once the contractions start, you step into the swirling mass that *is* the hurricane, and you're battered and blown from one side to the other... If you survive the storm, the aftermath is having an empty nest, knowing that you sent your child out into the world... It terrifies me.

~M