Guess I'll go eat worms...

"Reflections"
China Beach SoundTrack
The Supremes

Through the mirror of my mind time after time
I see reflections of you and me


Reflections of the way life used to be
Reflections of the love you took from me


Oh, I'm all alone now. No love to shield me
Trapped in a world that's a distorted reality


Happiness you took from me and left me alone
With only memories


Through the mirror of my mind
Through these tears that I'm crying
Reflects a hurt I can't control
'Cause although you're gone
I keep holding on to the happy times
Oh, when you were mine


As I peer through the window of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain
(All the love) All the love that I've wasted
(All the tears) All the tears that I've tasted
All in vain


Through the hollow of my tears I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt that you have caused


Everywhere I turn seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be


In you I put all my faith and trust
Right before my eyes my world has turned to dust


After all the nights I sat alone and wept
Just a handful of promises are all that's left of loving you


Reflections of the way life used to be
Reflections of the love you took from me


In you I put all my faith and trust
Right before my eyes my world has turned to dust.


I'm sure that this is just another part of my period talking... Perhaps it's also due to my meds not working quite so well during it... Could also be that I work with a bunch of people who are all rather clickish and don't really want me to be a part of their group - at least, not yet. I'm not sure - but I know that I'm really feeling alone and without friends currently.


Specifically, I feel really without female companionship, and I hate it. I had such a good time this last weekend when Fae and Aly came down, and now they're gone, I feel completely and utterly alone.


I've never done well with having female friends - something (or someone) has always gotten in the way - and so I end up losing their friendship. I don't have many friends anyway, and it seems as though, since I started with my relationship with Fred, people I thought were friends have either drifted away or refuse to even acknowledge my presence without the courtesy of telling me that they don't want to be around me - or why. I find that horribly rude, honestly, not to mention cowardly.


I could name names, but they know who they are... I'd like to think that they simply haven't stayed in touch with anyone - but I know that they have... I know because they blog about it constantly, and it hurts to see that I can be so completely cut out of their lives without a thought or an explaination. I suppose the logical thing is to look at it like this: If they didn't have the guts to tell me they didn't want to be friends anymore, then they weren't really friends to begin with. And perhaps that's my issue with them - I assumed that they *were* friends. Which is why I volunteered to do so much for them. You do things for friends that you wouldn't normally do for other people. I guess that's my fault for assuming, and I got hurt because of it.


Work hasn't been any better - I don't feel like I have anything in common with anyone. I don't have lunch with the two people I could talk D&D with, and the ones that I *do* have lunch with - well... They're either much older than I am, or much younger - or they have children / families that they talk about constantly. I end up leaving about 15 minutes after my hour lunch starts so that others who have more in common can sit with them. I end up crocheting in the library - alone...


Of course, this just re-affirms my belief that it's best for me to keep a specific distance between myself and others, both at work and in my social life. I should be greatful for the friends I have, I know. It's just - sometimes I really want people to like me, because I honestly like them - and it hurts to know that they don't like me in kind.


I really wish I didn't care, sometimes. I really do - then I wouldn't feel like this and I could just get on with my life.


~M