Done...

I could say that it's the weather, or stress, or the bills we're currently facing, or just plain depression... But I don't know whether it's any of those or just a lack of better living through chemistry... I just feel crappy. I am not taking joy in most of the things that I normally would, and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any second. I want to cry at a moment's notice, I don't want to do anything besides sleep, and I can't even begin to clean my house - I have no clue where to start...

I'm so overwhelmed with everything that it's so tempting to just quit everything and run away. I can taste the impulse when I wake up in the morning, and feel it in the back of my head when I go to bed at night. I have looked longingly at the sunrise, wanting to follow it away from where I am, and dreamed of sunsets far from where I live.

I'm told that I just need to deal with it, that it will get better, that things aren't that horrible... I hear my daughter's laughter in my ears and wonder what, if anything, I can ever give her that could equal a stable life... I look at the joy and wonder in her eyes and wish that I could get those things back for myself as well - knowing that I probably never will.

I look in the mirror and I hate what I see there - a useless, selfish piece of fat crap that does nothing to better herself and refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I know what I *could* do, but I don't do it. I *could* cut out everything that's non-essential that we're paying for currently, and thereby be able to make all the payments necessary to bring my bills closed completely more easily... We don't technically NEED internet, or cable, or technically even phones... But I won't do it. I'm selfish, and I refuse to cut those things out. I *could* cut out most of the excess food that we have wandering around the house and get down to beans and rice, with some veggies for variety. But I won't do that... I'm selfish, and I like to have good tasting food - not just food that will sustain me.

I feel dead inside, a husk of a human being, having had the life and love sucked out of me on a constant basis by debt and stress.

I should be happy... I have a job, a roof over my head, a supportive husband, a fabu girlfriend, and an amazingly wonderful daughter. These are gifts that I should appreciate and be joyful for, and I shouldn't overlook the significance of having them in my life... I shouldn't take them for granted, nor should I dismiss them readily.

And yet... I can't get over the feeling that somehow, I've let down everyone around me. I haven't done enough, haven't given enough, haven't been enough - and I never will be enough, or reach the point of having given enough or having done enough. I'll always be lacking, and I'll always end up being less than I should be for those around me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I should even be around...