Amusing things I have heard over the past few months as a switchboard operator, from people calling requesting different areas at my work (and the snarky responses I’ve WANTED to say, but have bravely restrained myself from uttering):

- I’d like the Adultery clinic REEEEAAAALLLLY….

- I need to speak with the veterinary center – my husband is an inpatient there. Hmmm. OK – what kind of dog is he?

- I’d like the hummer-tology clinic I have no response to this besides snickering. I can’t help it.

- Yeah, I need to speak with a dr. Any dr. I don’t care, just a dr… Yes, because all of our dr’s are totally cross-trained for every eventuality, so it won’t matter WHERE I put you to…

- I’d like the Rikki Lake clinic (note, we have an old clinic name that is a female’s name, but definitely NOT named after a talk-show host/actress) I beg your parden? I didn’t know she’d donated anything to us…

- Do you have dr’s there (yes, we still get this one)? Umb, no – we decided not to keep them on because the insurance was too costly – but we have people who play them on TV…

- Yeah, is the ER open (This was on both Thanksgiving AND Christmas)? Nope – we’re assuming no one is going to have an accident or get injured at all today, so the ER is not open at all – no one is here – this is just a recording…

- Is this [insert other, completely different company]? Certainly – I just gave you a completely different company greeting because I wanted to fool you.

- Yeah I’d like to speak with [insert common, generic name here]. You know him/her? Certainly, sir – we only have a few thousand employees here – I know each and every one of them by name, sight, and candy preference…

- (in response to the prior question’s obvious questioning probe and the statement that we have over 12 thousand employees here) No, I don’t know the last name! Don’t you know them (note, we have over 12 THOUSAND employees at my work…)? I know I _SAID_ that I knew them – I lied… I’m a habitual liar – in fact, I lied that we are so big… We only have about 12 people here at all to run this entire corporation…

- (in response to even further questioning probes to find out where said person might be) No, I don’t know where they are. They just told me to call you, and you’d get me to them! Ah! Oh, yes, THAT person! Of course! I know who that is now… I seem to remember getting a memo from someone that said if you were to call, we were to get you over to them… Riiiigggghhht.

- Yeah – I’d like to find out how to renew my driver’s license (our number is linked to the DMV only because of our ability to log the “donate life NW” information). Oh sure – never mind that I didn’t introduce myself as the DMV, and that the number for the DMV and at the bottom of your donate life nw brochure don’t match – I can help you with that… First, open a crackerjack box…

- Can you keep trying the (busy) number until they answer, and then call me back? Of course, because we have nothing better to do all day than to become your personal assistant. Would you like fries with that?

- I’d like the Eternal Medicine clinic… Somehow, I’m not sure how to respond to this… It sounds almost depressing… And expensive…