Is that inane, or insane?

During the course of my 9 years (yes, NINE!) on the phones being a customer service / tech support rep, I have been presented with a myriad of inane, nay even ridiculous, questions and requests. They have ranged from the typical (I broke my coffee cup holder, and I need help) to the amusing (How do I delete the porn off my wife's work laptop?) to the downright silly (so, when are you off tonight?).

Few, nay I dare say even NONE, came through all during one 8-10 hour shift. Until now. Working at a well-known hospital (and a teaching hospital, at that) can get some rather interesting phone calls in a day - mostly to do with symptoms and the like... And then, there are these little gems. Since I got to endure the pain, now you must endure it as well... My tortured brain-meats, let me show you them...

Hi! Do you have an ER? No, no we don't have an ER. Due to recent budget cuts, we remodelled it into an internet cafe and bookstore. Why? Did you need something? We can get you a good deal on 30 minutes of internet use and an audio book...

Uh, yeah... Do you have, like, doctors? Nope - not as such - but they do play them on TV.

Hi. I'm needing to find a patient. Do you have patients there? Not for the likes of you... OH! You mean people who are sick and are recovering, not patience. Yes, we are a hospital - that's our main bread and butter you're talking about there, bub.

I was wondering if the ambulances go up there? No - they quit after we complained about the noise. Now we have them drop off at the bottom of the hill and the injured people have to hike the last 2 miles on foot.

Is the ER open?(asked at 11pm) No - again, we closed it in order to make room for our new comfy internet cafe and bookstore. Our ER is only open during certain times of the day, and only on days ending in 'R'.

I'm sure that the many people who call in are not this stupid - but it's those who DO call in and DO ask these questions that make me wonder where the gene pool police were. Then there are the OTHER callers - the ones who can't help but ask questions directly of me, and demand that either I answer them, or I get a doctor on the phone immediately (without placing them on hold) to answer said question. Take these tidbits that have come in over the last few months...

(panicked voice on the phone) I need to speak with a doctor right away - I think my child may have taken a methadone tablet and I need to know what to do! First of all, do you honestly believe that taking the extra 5-10 minutes to call someone (besides 911) is going to help the situation any? Secondly, now that we've figured out that you're child is a patient at another clinic, not ours, and you are demanding that a doctor get on the line, you should either be on your way to the ER, or be calling that clinic - our clinic doctors don't give out advice to people outside their clinic. Why? Because they don't have medical history available to diagnose properly. THIRD - I am over 3 miles away from the doctor at the hospital, so there is absolutely NO way I can simply hand the phone over to a doctor without placing you on hold. No, I'm not kidding. No, I would have to place you on hold. No, there's no one in my office that's medically trained that would be able to assist you. NO there - oh. You hung up.

Yes, my child is in a wheelchair due to a disease, and the doctors had to do a surgery to put one of my child's legs back together. The cast they put on broke, and is now pulling the leg off, stitches and all. I need to know whether I should take my child to the ER. Hmmm... You know, even without medical training, I can say pretty honestly that this is a strong candidate for emergency medical attention. There's absolutely NOTHING that a doctor is going to be able to do over the phone, other than tell you to go to the ER. **Ironically, this person hung up on me while I was explaining that I would need to page the doctor on call for the child's doctor, then called back an HOUR later asking the same questions!!**

The following exchanges are also pretty famous... Most people, not just me, get these on a regular basis:

Caller: I need to speak with the doctor on call.
Me: OK - who's the doctor you normally see?
C: I don't know.
M: OK - do you know the clinic name you go to?
C: (insert name of hospital here)
M: OK - that's the name of the hospital, but we have about 40 different clinics within that hospital. I need to know the name of the clinic, in order to get you the doctor on call.
C: Well, I don't know - I go there every week - don't you have medical records?
M: No, sir/ma'am. This is the main switchboard for the hospital. We aren't allowed to access patient records. That's why I need your help.
C: Well, I know the doctor's name began with a "T".
M: OK - was that their first name or last name?
C: I don't know.
M: (internal sigh here) OK - well, is there any paperwork or medication that you can look at that would have the doctor's name on it?
C: Well, let me ask my child - it's their doctor. They go to see the doctor for (insert potentially life-threatening disease here).
M: Ah - that would be the (insert name of clinic here) clinic.
C: Yeah, that's it.
M: (mentally rolling eyes at this point) OK - let me get a few pieces of information here, and I'll be glad to page.

See, there's the issue I have with the previous discussion you just read. Your child has a potentially life-threatening disease. The child is obviously NOT old enough to take themselves to the doctor (or is not capable of doing so). Don't you think that knowing the doctor's name (not to mention the clinic) would be a GOOD THING?

People truly amaze me sometimes. And not in a good way.

~M