Relationships...

As seen at Smart At Love

What do you think of two-home, un-co-habitating, Living Apart Together (LAT) relationships?

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And.......what are the best things, in your opinion, about Living Together Together (LTT) relationships?

Here: have a can of worms and a grenade... oy.

OK - so, before you read my answers, I'd suggest that you read the post by Dr. Annie, who asked the questions above afterwards...

First, my opinion on the article:

It's interesting, well thought out, and doesn't make me believe that she's either for or against it - a refreshing change when looking at a lot of articles on relationships and sex. Many of them start out two-sided, but by the end, it's clear that the person has a defining opinion (not bad, mind you, just not optimal for writing a non-personal article) on the subject and is wanting to sway the reader toward it.

Second, let's answer these questions...

So-called "LAT" relationships, to me, are fine for the beginning of any relationship. It's nice to be able to have your own space and, if need be, have that space to yourself when you need it. However, as the relationship moves forward, it seems to me that it would be more natural to move together as a couple, rather than stay apart.

It's something which I'm loathe to define as a herding instinct, or a "mating" instinct - perhaps it can be thought of more as a team creation. A team doesn't *need* to have something bonding them together physically (children) - they have mutual goals and thoughts which, with the two of them working toward said goals, can reach them more easily, with support from one another.

It's not so easy to have that support if you're not living together. It's a different situation than simply having a roommate - there is a deeper connection with a couple - if not, then it's probably not time for you to move in together, unless it's as roommates, with separate rooms, etc.

Yes, the excitement of being "picked up" for a date can still be there - and it is nice to have your own space at times when you need it. But the considerate significant other will take you out on dates and allow you your own space when you need it - and communication is key to both of those happening. If you're not happy with how things are going in the relationship, you shouldn't wait and let it fester. Let them know how you feel, and why - and most important, let them address your feelings and have them tell their side of the situation.

Personally, I think that if you aren't willing to communicate and negotiate, it means you don't seriously want a commitment. Part of being in any relationship is working through tempers, bad days, personal discomforts and general nit-picky issues.

I've had 2 LTT relationships so far. The first one, not so great, the current one really good. The reason it wasn't so great with the first on was, I believe, both of us started relationships *really* young, and neither understood how to communicate or negotiate. While one of us learned, the other one didn't, and after 10 years, I no longer wanted to be in it because of the growth that had happened - which while positive on my part, pushed the two of us further away from one another because he wasn't willing/able to grow as well. Too much time, not enough communication, not enough negotiation, and not enough willingness to learn from one another.

The current one is a complete 180 from my first one. We both had rocky relationships in the past, and having learned from them, started as friends before becoming involved. We have found that we can talk with one another about issues without feeling afraid of how the other person will respond because we now know how to approach a discussion - not as an attack, but showing a desire to understand and possibly correct. We share similar tastes (but not identical) in many things, but we are each interested in enough other things to make talking about them interesting.

My favorite parts? Waking up to having him next to me each morning, and going to bed with him each night. I enjoy having meals with him (my personal "intimate" thing), I like playing "devil's advocate" with him and sparring mentally, we enjoy a FABU sex life, and we snuggle.

Are there times when we disagree? Yes. But, it's not crucial that we agree 100% of the time. It's understood that we will not always agree with things, but that we will try to understand where the other one is coming from. It's also one of these "pick your battles" situation. Sometimes, it's just not worth arguing about, because it's not going to necessarily affect your relationship if you don't agree.

Are there times when we need time alone? Again, yes. But again, we communicate with one another - we take time to destress with what we enjoy doing - for him, it's computer time. For me, it's either a good book, cooking, or sometimes watching a movie. And that's ok, too. It's understood that it's a little time for us to re-group, to think about things (or not), and not allow our stress and petty work crap roll off onto one another, but instead out the door and away from us.

We've had a few disagreements, but we've gotten through them fairly well, I think. We don't yell, we don't throw things, and we don't simply not talk about what's going on. We choose to approach each thing as an adult, and with an open mind for understanding where the other person is coming from.

So - all in all? I think that an "LAT" relationship is ok for the beginning of a relationship, but if after a 6-8 months the relationship is still at that stage, you might want to either re-think the relationship, or take a hard look at yourselves and what you're willing to commit to. Fuck-buddies are fine, and are a great thing to have - but they aren't relationships.

~M