Slightly Whacked...

I'm not sure exactly *why* I'm feeling slightly whacked of late, but I am. Honestly, it's not anything that has happened in my relationship with Fred. THAT's going swimmingly. It's not even anything that's going on at work, though honestly, I could use a change in venue soon, or I'll explode - but that's just from frustration.


The whacked part is that I'm depressed of late, and I don't know why. I got down on myself because of my body shape (of ALL things) yesterday. Specifically my legs. They're big - and not just normally big that big girls tend to get... No, they're gargantuan. I've always had large-ish legs, even when I was thinner. It's part of the heredity thing - having taken from my mum's side of the family for calf sizes, I couldn't wear normal-sized cowboy boots when I was little because they were too skinny for me. My muscles were too developed, so I had to either have them modified, or not wear boots at all.


After 20 years worth of pretty much no major athletics other than weight training and hiking, and then getting overweight on top of it, they're big... really big. I remember at an SCA event back east a few years ago, I got poison ivy and went to the local medic tent. The gal there asked if my calves were normally swollen to that size. I had to explain that it wasn't swelling, it was fat. She and I were both mortified, and I doubt she's ever asked anything like that ever again. I immediately got a huge complex, and never wore skirts that went up past my ankles ever again.


I figured out yesterday that this is why BODacious Magazine isn't interested in me as a model. My legs aren't shapely, not even for a big girl. You see, I'm the *ONLY* model on Curvosity that has legs this huge... Even the girls on there that are bigger than I am have curvy, lovely-shaped legs... I have tree stumps. Go figure. I'm pretty well convinced that I'm not getting subscriptions because of them, and if I left them out of the picture, I'd actually get somewhere...


Fred has told me if I'm this sensative about it, we can outfit the other bicycle with a better, more comfortable seat, and brakes, and I can take it out on weekends... My main issue is not wanting to leave the house at all at this point. Not unless I'm completely shrouded. How silly is that?! I mean, here I am, a BBW Curvosity model, who takes her clothes off and posts pics of it online, and I don't want to leave the house for fear that someone might see me...


Logically speaking, I have absolutely no reason to feel this way. I have a loving and adoring boyfriend who thinks that I'm absolutely fabulous no matter what size I am, and who loves me for me. I have friends who think that I'm great. I have a boss who thinks I have lots of potential to fulfill and is willing to support me in getting there. I'm done with my period, so it's not hormones. All in all, I don't have one single reason to feel this way. But I do. I don't get it...


~M