Reflections...

So, I posted up a copy of the last blog entry over on the Curvosity Forums... One reply said that I didn't have that big of legs that she could see, and suggested that perhaps I should see someone as it sounded like I was getting more chemically depressed than anything...


Perhaps she is right. I've been on meds for my Cyclothymia for several years now, and up until my migraines really started, it was working fine. I'm not sure now what quite to do... I know that somehow, I'm going to have to simply get through this and re-accept myself for who I am. Fred was wonderful last night and had me stand up (nude) in front of him, and he outlined my legs with his hands, and said that he loved the way they curved, just like they should.


I know that logically, he's right. I mean, there's at least 1000 people in respective groups who are fans of me, who find me attractive just the way I am. But honestly, it only matters what I think of myself. If I cannot find myself attractive, I find it difficult to believe that others would, as well. While I truly appreciate how marvelous it is that there are that many people who find large women (specifically myself) quite attractive, it's still just a matter of how I view myself. I don't have to deal with them on a daily, nay hourly basis. I must deal with myself.


There's the question of whether or not I've been cut short in promotions due to my weight, and I have to say I wouldn't be surprised. The company that I worked for where I pushed for a promotions had very little to provide women, and those few they did give promotions to were reasonably attractive. There was 1 woman who wasn't, and they ended up putting her on the graveyard shift.


Even in the culinary field, unless it's baking, they don't take you seriously if you're a female in the kitchen - and if you're overweight, forget it. Many times, they look on you with a tolerant smile, and pat you on the head and send you out as a gopher, OR they hand you practically impossible tasks to finish and look horribly disappointed when you can't finish or ask for help to finish it on time. You're there until you get married and/or pop out babies, as far as a lot of Exec chefs are concerned. It's not really your field. So, there are a few avenues to follow as a female - you can either kiss ass and do everything they ask you to, hoping that some day they'll take you seriously, and kill yourself working 80-100 hours a week doing it, or you can work on a business plan and pray to whatever gods are out there that it'll work and open your own place - and hope that the bankers and investers take you seriously, since the old guard certainly doesn't.


Bitter? Possibly... I went through two different internships where this attitude was prevelant. The second one wasn't quite as bad, as it was catering and they needed all the hands they could get. The first one, however, was a catering portion of a restaurant, and they ran it with a restaurant attitude. Women have no place in the kitchen, they seemed to say - so unless you want to decorate plates for dessert or serve, get out of our way. Oh, and you're not even attractive, so really - just leave.


I'm terrified to go back to work and find out that I'm not going to get the position that I want (off the phones). Honestly, I have to wonder if my weight plays a factor in it. It's not as though it has anything to do with whether I actually can *do* the job - but frankly, neither do the questions that they ask... And they still ask them. So, I have to wonder if the hiring department discusses everyone and ends up noting down what they looked like to keep things straight... and when they get to me, is the description "that fat girl with the long red hair".


As Fred put it when we found out that the creek at Sea Dogs was no longer "period" bathing - "It's only ok for public nudity if the chick is hot.".


~M