Introspection...

Sometimes it takes me a while to get my brain wrapped around how good I have things... Sure, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs (and most likely will never get out), and there are times I really wish I could just up and quit my job (who doesn't?)...

Still and yet, this weekend I learned (finally) that sometimes, things happen for the best - no matter how hurtful they were at the time...

Fred, Boo and I went to an SCA event this weekend, and we camped near my old household. Turns out, while the ex was not there, his new wife was (the one who was the catalyst for us divorcing). Also, turns out she's now pregnant...

Even though we'd separated over 5 years ago, there was still a lot of harbored resentment and anger toward the both of them by me. I had never actually confronted either of them over the repeated deceit that occurred - not to mention the fact that I was summarily pushed out of my household because of my inability to "play nice" with them after the separation and divorce. It cost me a number of friendships, only one of which is barely getting back to being acquaintence level now.

So, here I was, taken completely unawares by said acquaintence coming up and saying that she was there, AND was pregnant. The ex had never wanted to have a child with me, until after I kicked him out - at which point he tried to use a sudden "change-of-heart" to lure me back.

I was considering staying in camp the whole weekend to avoid having an uncomfortable confrontation. I didn't want the stress, and the chasm of unknown loomed before me, attempting to swallow me whole. I didn't like the feeling of being helpless, but at the same time, didn't want to deal with the situation, either.

Saturday dawned, and I decided, after hearing from another of my campmates that I looked pretty good, I would go to merchant's row and peruse the goods. I put on my best clothes, and make-up, and walked out with my friend - and summarily found myself at the booth the ex's new bride was working at.

I have to say, I was more than civil to her. She showed me the 2 carat platinum wedding band he'd purchased for her, and told me she was pregnant... We talked for a bit about how she was, and she told me how well things were going for her and the ex. She told me that she'd turned him around 180 degrees from where he was when he was with me, and how he was thrilled to be with her and that she was pregnant. And I took it all in and considered.

I could have been mean. I could have been snide. I could have burst her bubble completely if I'd wanted to... People only change if they want to change - they can't be changed by anyone else... You can't "MAKE" someone change... I know - I'd tried with him for years, and it had never worked. But I considered everything that I'd been through from the get-go with him, through to that day, and all the anger, bitterness, rage and emptiness that I'd felt throughout my relationship with him - and afterwards as well... I looked back at how "unworthy" I'd felt since, obviously he had chosen to do all of these things with her, and not with me...

And then I looked at my relationship with Fred... And I realized I have never had to lie (or felt the need to lie) about how our relationship was to anyone - certainly not to myself. I never felt like I was lacking, I never felt worthless, or unnecessary, or somehow less of a person than I should be. I never felt second, and never felt like I needed to change him - or our relationship.

I have a beautiful daughter with him, that he loves, worships and adores - as much as he loves, worships and adores me... I have an amazing girlfriend who loves Boo, and adores both Fred and me. And while I may not have a lot of money, or a house, I have what matters...

So, I was able to honestly tell her that I wished her and him the best of luck in their relationship, and that I hoped that she got everything she wanted from it. I hoped that things continued on well with the both of them, and I wished her a healthy pregnancy and birth.

And I was able to walk away feeling lighter, better, and more in control of myself, my feelings, and my general attitude than I had been in years.

I have to say, it was an amazingly cathartic experience, and the introspection did me (not to mention, I'm sure, my own relationships) a world of good.

~M