Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Holy Effin' Hell...

I'm exhausted... Mentally, physically exhausted. That's the only reason I can think of as to why my brain feels like my Paxil has worn off and I'm all wonky-headed...

Doesn't help that I'm working 4 tens and heading 14 miles one way to work, which leaves me exactly 5 hours each night for sleep - IF I manage to get to sleep within a half hour of getting home each night, and I don't unwind. I spend most of my days off currently sleeping. That's sad, honestly. There's so many things that need to be done, and so much that needs to happen - and I'm so tired that I just can't wanna.

It wouldn't be so bad, except that I feel like my head (or at least my eyeballs) will fly off my head if I turn it too quickly, I can't concentrate on anything for more than 15 minutes at a time without feeling like I need a break or a nap, and I have NO patience left with anyone anymore. I'm afraid it's going to start really negatively affecting my home-life because of it.

Fred has been a TOTAL Godsend throughout all of this. He's been so supportive and wonderful, helping when I've asked him to and just being there when I needed it. I am really lucky to have him, and I can't imagine going through this without his support and love.

I'm trying, desperately, to get another job closer to work. I had an interview recently, and am hoping that I hear back from them this week for a follow-up interview. I want to get out of the long trip, poor bennies, and crappy training here. The company itself isn't bad, and their product is really great - but the implimentation and training is for shite.

I said jokingly the other day that I should simply start my own call center consulting business... The more I think about it, the more I think I could, if I could just get my act together. I may not earn a lot of money, but at least I'd be doing something that I'd know something about, and be helping out others within the call center...

I'm thinking right now that one of the reasons I'm wonky-headed is because I'm not getting enough rest to allow my brain to process the Paxil properly. It would explain why I feel like I'm constantly coming off it, but not quite getting there... I get the tingly lips, the dizziness, and the on-edge feeling, like I'm going to head off into panic-attack land, but nothing really gets there.

I'm also eating crap, which doesn't help. I'm living on energy drinks and chocolate, which would explain (along with the stress) why I've gained weight and felt like shite. I'm like some sort of junkie, really... Get up and down a "Wired", then sip diet Pepsi all day while eating tons of sugar to keep me awake enough to do my job, then head home and take 3 Melatonin in order to get to sleep... Then wake up and do it all over again.

I need out. Now. Pray for me...

~M

1 comment:

Fid said...

Hi. I suffered Seroxat/Paxil withdrawl too - I tried weaning off it for 18 months - got down from 40mg per day to 22mg - that process took 18 months of my life! Eventually I went cold turkey, worse three months of my life. With that said, Try this to take away some of the fuzziness you are feeling. Wrap ice cubes in a towel and place on the back of your neck.

You have my sympathy - Paxil is a bugger to come off.