This is all pretty much about me and the people that are in my life... That means that I'm entitled to bitch here about the day's goings-on, and general stuff. Of course, that also means that no one else is *forced* to read it. That's ok by me. I'm fine with that. The bitching here allows me to avoid going ahead and bitching at people directly, and also allows me to write down what's going on in my head prior to actually going off on someone about whatever might be bugging me.
I bitch about work, I bitch about relationships, I bitch about money - but really, that's pretty much standard about most people... That's what they do in their lives. They complain about the things they can't change - it's not necessarily that they're not aware that they can't change them, it's simply that they need to vent a bit. Think of it as a cathartic response to an uncontrollable situation - they can control ONE thing in their life: how to respond to an uncontrollable situation. And better that their response is one that is not violence toward another person in specific, but simply a rant in general...
I suppose I could simply bottle it all up and keep from complaining about all the things that bug the crap out of me. I suppose I could also go completely insane because of said bottling as well... See, I already went that route, and decided after two years of therapy that it simply wasn't healthy for me to do that. Since I quit bottling up my anger and rage and hatred toward the uncontrollable situations, I've found that I'm a much better person for myself, and for others. I've found that I have a much more positive outlook on life, as a whole, and have a good, working sense of humor (albeit warped at times). I can laugh at myself, and can look in the mirror and honestly say that I not only like myself, I *love* myself. That's a big thing, really, for anyone.
it is true - I have, on occasion, done some fairly unorthodox things, because I've just felt that strongly about it. I've chosen NOT to put my 21-year-old cat down or find another home for her (knowing that NO ONE would take her at that age), and instead plead my case to both my manager and my doctor. I'd had her since she was less than 4 months old, and honestly has helped me through some of the worst bouts of depression in my life. When I moved in with Fred, I had no idea that the apartment complex was a pet-free zone, as many of his neighbors had animals. My manager understood that it was difficult to give up such a bond with my cat, and allowed me to keep her with me with a note from my doctor, as she will only have another few years left. I don't expect anyone else to understand the bond that I have with my cat - she is more than just a pet to me. I've raised her from a little button of a kitten, who fit into the palm of my hand, into the little queen of righteous indignation that she is today. It will be hard enough for me to say goodbye to her when she finally passes away.
I've also, based on a recommendation from my neurologist, had a letter written to make sure that my schedule at work be kept at the same start and end time each day, so as to not aggravate my migraines. It is well-documented that migraines can be aggravated by a change in sleep patterns. It was one of the first, most easily remedied thing to do, to try and target what was causing them. (We finally DID figure out what was causing my migraines - or at least, we now have a major culprit: my birth control... The new neurologist has changed me over to a different one and today was the first migraine that I've had in 2 weeks - and this one was due to a muscle spasm in my neck. So, yay me! The whole migraine thing is, apparently, a lot of trial and error and guessing...)
Hell - for that matter, I've chosen to take on the responsibility of helping raise a 13-year-old... and am considering having a child of my own! How's that for unorthodox and odd behavior! LOL. But seriously - it's a big step for someone who had, for years, sworn never to have children, and not been all that sure how to deal with kids in the first place if they were over the age of 2.
Have I lost a lot in choosing some of the things that I have and doing the things that I've done? Yes. I've lost a husband who didn't want me, but didn't want me to leave him. I've lost a group of people I'd called friends, who turned out to feel I was less than cool for leaving my husband - though they'd encouraged me to do so for some time. I've lost tears, weight, and time spent agonizing over whether the choices that I've made were right - or wrong - or left, even... I've lost the respect of my sister, who really only wanted me to kow-tow to her "all-knowing, older-sister-ish presence" and admit that she knew more than I did - when in fact her choice in men and life is far, FAR worse than mine EVER was.
Have I gained a lot in choosing the things that I have and doing the things that I've done? Yes. I've gained an inner peace and happiness within myself, FROM myself, that no one can take away, and no one can control. I've come to the realization that I'm worth every second of every day that is spent on myself. I've gained several new friends along the way who accept me for who I am, think I'm brilliant for accepting myself as who I am, and respect me for being me. I've kept good friends who have stayed beside me come what may, and who have skillfully hugged me whilst kicking me in the ass to keep me focused. I've found the love of my life in a man who was a friend, and is now someone who makes my heart melt every time he looks at me. I've gained the son I never had, but am thankful I get to help raise.
I think that says a lot about me...
~M
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