On polyamory...

Every poly couple does poly differently. Some recognize that there is a primary in the relationship while others don't... Yet, in most successful poly relationships, there are a core set of rules that are set up so that people are able to co-exist with one another.

1. The three C's... Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

2. One Standard Will Do Nicely (thanks so much to Lil for putting this into succinct wording). If it's OK for one person, it should be OK for everyone. If it's not OK for one person, you might want to re-think your own actions/wants.

3. Treat those involved how you would want to be treated - the golden rule isn't just in general life, people, it's in relationships, too. And especially in Poly ones. If you want to be respected, then respect those within your relationship. Respect is earned, but you do have to start somewhere. Being up-front and honest from the get-go will earn respect a lot faster than being shady and underhanded - and certainly faster than calling names and throwing accusations out at people.

Above and beyond that, it's up to the couple - but both parties in the original relationship should be in agreement to what their rules should entail, before they go willy-nilly into a poly relationship. Saves on time, wear and tear, and nerves - not to mention tons of teary tissues and late night sobs.

Why bring this up at all? I got a phone call from a friend, who was at a loss for giving advise to a friend of hers... What did my friend do? Come to me for advice. "Ack," I thought to myself, "What on EARTH is she thinking?! I have no clue how to deal with a poly relationship!"

Really, though, I think that Fred and I have made it work. No, it's not perfect - no relationship is. But we haven't killed one another either, and have continued to remember rule one above and beyond anything else.

One thing that I do want to say - for those of you who do Poly another way, that's great - like I said before, poly is not a one-size-fits-all thing... It comes in different packages, and each is a little different.

But for me, it's like this:

1. Yes, there is such a thing as a "primary" when it comes down to it. I am Fred's primary, and he is mine. No one else is going to have equal status in the relationship, and that's the way it is. If you don't like it, then there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

2. Yes, Fred and I are each allowed to play with others. However, we do need to talk about it ahead of time to one another. Neither of us feels it juvenile to talk about what we want to do - in fact, we would feel it childish and immature to NOT talk about it ahead of time. We use this time to talk about fears, insecurities, and how we feel about the third person.

3. There is a veto list - it's short, sweet, and to the point, and both of us worked on it together. The reason for this is that neither of us wants to see the other (or ourselves) hurt in the long run.

4. We have do ultimate veto power. If we don't feel comfortable with the other person playing, we can say so. It's ok to have feelings, and be honest with one another about them. If that means that we have to say "No" once in a while, then so be it.

5. Once permission is granted, it's granted - for that go-round. Yes, it can get tedious at times asking. But, situations and people change - and rather than simply assuming that it's going to be ok to go forth and do whatever, we respect one another enough to ask before hand.

I have been in a bad poly relationship. I know how that goes. I now have a pretty good poly relationship, and frankly would never go back.

What makes a bad poly relationship? Well, several things. In my case, the person I was with felt that he could simply go around screwing whomever he wanted - without talking to me about it, and without using protection. At one point, I didn't find out until TWO YEARS after the fact. TWO YEARS.

In addition to this, he wanted nothing to do with me while he was messing around - and yes, that's exactly what I felt it was. To me, if you don't have the guts to come out and say that you want to have sex with someone else, then you're not in a poly relationship - you're cheating. Plain and simple. If you want to cheat, then cheat - but don't expect me to be complacent about it.

So, no communication, no respect, and no boundaries - but the worst part was that it was fine for him to go out and play, but it was completely unacceptable for me to do so, too. Sorry, bub. No can do. Needless to day, that was the end of the relationship - much to his surprise.

Long story short, here's what I have to say about the situation asked of me earlier today:

First and foremost, the two people in the primary relationship need to be honest, up front, and willing to listen to one another. If one person wants one thing, and the other wants something else, neither of you is going to get anywhere. If you don't talk with one another, and listen, you won't get anywhere, either.

Secondly, anyone outside of the two people in the primary relationship does NOT have a say about what should or should not be happening in the relationship - not until after rules are set out between the primary couple - and any additional rules created for the secondary relationship (or whatever you want to call it) should not supersede the original rules.

That's just my two cents worth, though...

Want more unsolicited advice? Try going here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/