The Rantings of an Honest Courtesan

Dark Desperation, part 1

2010-03-21T08:33:00.003-07:00

This is try 4 at a short story/book that I've been attempting to write for some time now. Please feel free to read it and let me know what you think. I'm poor, so couldn't post the whole thing on Dark Poetry.com...

Music swirled around her, thumped through the floor and into the soles of her shoes as she walked through the darkened club. It was deafening, what with the blare of techno mix and the constant yelling chatter going on around her. Her head had started to throb an hour earlier, and this was not helping. Yet, here she was - and she wondered, not for the first time, why she’d chosen to come yet again.

Saturday night and the feeling, apparently, was all right - at least for most everyone else. Wending her way through the crowd, she felt each individual emotion bleeding off the people around her: elation, lust, happiness and… yes, even despair. She glanced over to one of those whose signature bore that of acceptance tinged with desperation and despair.

He was not young-looking, nor was he all that remarkable to look at. He had dark hair, pale skin, and sat slumped in the corner between two couples, his head firmly down. He attempted to keep himself from touching anyone else, but was failing miserably as the two couples enthusiastically glommed onto one another with hedonistic glee. They pushed into him, over him, around him, and at some points it seemed, through him.

She cocked an eyebrow… Perhaps… Perhaps this was the one for tonight. But - not yet. Business first, then pleasure. She mentally noted down where he was and, as she passed by him, she gently trailed a finger against the back of his neck. She felt him stiffen up, and then relax against her gloved finger. Interestingly, she didn’t feel the backwash of emotion that she was prepared for. She smiled, and continued on.

Moving to the dining area of the bar, she sat down at a back booth and ordered a sparkling water. As the waitress retreated, a slight movement in the seat across from her caught her eye, and Jasper sat back and grinned at her.

“Theatrics aren’t necessary anymore, you know,” she said in quiet admonishment.

“Yeah, well - I like theatrics, so suck it.” He grinned at her and winked.

“So typical, Jasper. Let’s get down to business - I have things I’d like to be doing.”

“Don’t you mean that there’s some ONE you’d like to be doing?” Jasper wiggled his eyebrows at her.

She sighed. “What is it that you want, Jasper.” She leaned back to allow the waitress access to the table, then leaned forward again. “Is it about the case?”

“Well, of course it’s about the case. Hendricks isn’t patient, and he wants answers. He’s threatened to go to someone else if you don’t end up giving him some new leads.”

“These things take time. I can’t just spit out information like a computer.” She flopped back in the booth and took a long drink, wishing it had alcohol in it. Alcohol numbed things, made it easier to deal with…

“Alcohol won’t help you this time, Lore.” Jasper reached over quietly to take her hand. “You know this has to be settled, once and for all. The killings can’t go on.”

She let him hold her hand for a few moments, allowing the touch to sooth her. Unlike others, he did not trigger anything - she was safe. Even through her gloves, she could occasionally pick up images from others, but not Jasper - he no longer transmitted such visions and emotions.

Abruptly, she tore her hand from his and scowled at him. This was why things had never been meant to be between the two of them - he brought out both the best and the worst of her - normally all at the same time.

“Tell Hendricks I’ll be in tomorrow morning to see what else I can find. Let him know I’ll need to see the latest crime scene, though. I have to go back through and walk it. Otherwise, I won’t be able to see everything.”

Jasper grinned at her, then grabbed her hand back into his, kissing the back. “I knew we could count on you, babe. I’ll catch you tomorrow night, ok? We can head over to the site together.”

Just as quickly as he had appeared, Jasper was gone again. Lorelai finished her drink quietly, then went back to the dance hall and found her mark. This time he’d extracted himself from the corner, and was waiting at the edge of the dance floor, searching the crowd. She smiled and walked toward him until he was just in front of her, his back to her. She gently touched a finger to the back of his neck again, and watched as his body straightened even further, and then whipped around to look down at her.

He was tall, over six feet, and his short hair had a slight wave to it. He looked down at her, and his eyes widened as he looked at her for the first time, completely. He saw full hips, a belly, and a pair of breasts that made him want to suckle them forever. Her long, red hair made his hands itch to stroke it and bury his fingers completely into their waves. There was just something that labeled her different and fascinating and he found himself unable to stop the fantasies from running rampant.

Lorelai was no beauty, she knew that. Short and fat was not the norm for cultural beauty, but she could tell he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and couldn’t help but want to follow her. She inhaled as she leaned near him, and found she could smell him just slightly, a woodsy/musky/man smell that was intriguing. She turned to leave and he followed like a dog eager to please her.

They walked out into the damp city air, heavy with summer humidity. Her thighs chaffed in the heat, and she couldn’t wait to get her clothes off and go swimming. She walked to her car, and turned to face him.

“You don’t have to go with me, you know,” she said quietly. “I would understand if you needed to be somewhere else.”

He blinked. “No - I… want to be here - with you. I don’t know why, but I do. I don’t even care what it is we do.” He looked away, then looked back at her with an almost feral intensity. His eyes seemed to glow in the dim light and held her captive for a moment. She stopped to catch her breath and then remembered who was in charge.

She smiled. “Get in, then,” and popped the passenger door lock for him.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Fenric could smell her. The close confines of the vehicle did nothing to hide the scent of amber, and under it the smell of female. Her cream-colored skin made him want to lick and kiss her everywhere, and he was fairly sure he had the largest hard-on in the entire history of… well, history. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he yet again drew in a breath laced with amber/musk/woman. He really wished she would have lived closer, so he could have just thrown her over the back of a couch and fucked her madly until he collapsed on top of her, drained of energy. He had no idea who she was, no clue why she would have singled him out, but he did know a serendipitous moment when he found one.

He looked at her from out of the corner of his eye. She was concentrating on the road, her brow slightly furrowed in concentration. She seemed to be oblivious to his company - but the waves of sexual anticipation floating off her were almost tangible. She not only knew he was there, she was just as highly charged as he was… She was just as desperate for him, too. That just made him hotter - he wanted her to want him badly - wanted to be able to be the animal, and take as much as he could give to her and more. He felt his balls tighten again, and sucked in a breath to try and steady himself.

Lore wasn’t concentrating as well as she’d like to have been. The man next to her was so… Male. Animal. He overpowered her senses and made it difficult to focus on anything other than crawling onto his lap and grinding her pelvis down onto the large lump she saw growing in his pants. She breathed in, only to find herself melting into the scent of cedar and male once again. She found herself moving her thighs restlessly against one another, trying somehow to relieve the pressure building up. It made it worse, so she forced herself to stop.

At last, she pulled into the driveway of the house, and parked in the garage. Closing the door, she let the overhead light come on before she got out so she could steady her nerves. She looked over to find him staring at her again, and swallowed again. Perhaps, she thought, she was a bit over her head this time…

Fenric reached out to stroke her cheek gently, noting her flaring nostrils. She wanted him, he could tell, and she was ripe for the plucking. He leaned gently forward, the seat leather under him creaking slightly as his weight shifted. She tried to move back, but his hand pulled her back toward him, his lips settling onto hers. She let out a slight sigh, and then pressed herself firmly into him, her hands roving gently over his shoulders.

She felt both stupidly drunk and electrifyingly awake all at the same time. For some reason, she wasn’t scared or anything - it just felt right to try and sink completely into him. She moved further toward him, and was immediately thwarted by the center console. She pulled back, glaring at the offending car part, only to hear him chuckle softly.

“Come on, love,” he said gently, “I’m sure there’s plenty of space inside - if you’re willing to take the chance?” He smiled at her.

Lorelai blinked a few times - she hadn’t expected the soft brogue. Opening the door of the car, she headed toward the house as quickly as possible, already starting to shed clothes. This was no longer a fun jaunt in the park, but a full-on hunt for as much satisfaction as possible. Somehow, she knew, he was going to be worth whatever regrets she might have in the morning - and right now, she just didn’t care.

Fenric followed quickly behind her, pulling off his jacket and shirt. Following her trail of clothing and leaving one of his own, he wended his way through the house to a central patio area that had a sunken pool. He caught a glimpse of her as she walked through the glass door and stepped into the water. The air was suddenly very difficult to breath. She looked like a fertility goddess brought to life, all curves and soft places. She looked up with a knowing smile on her face, and beckoned for him to join her.

He tugged off shoes and socks, then dropped his jeans just outside the sliding door. Walking into the pool area, he noted that it was soothingly lit, and that it was only covered in netting to keep the pool clean. She was sitting on the steps, waiting for him to come toward her. As he placed one foot into the water, she suddenly shot away from him into the deeper area of the pool, and idly swam in the middle of it.

He grinned - he knew this game. It was hunt and chase, and he was a master. He leapt out into the water and swam quickly to her side, then wrapped his arms around her. He made a low growling sound in the back of his throat and nuzzled her throat with his nose. She leaned her head back, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and allowing him further access to her. He drew in her scent while circling her face, his hands cupping her ass and pressing her close to him. She couldn’t reach the bottom of the pool, but he was just tall enough to, and it gave him leverage - leverage he used to make sure she didn’t break away from him.

He bit her shoulder and, as she gasped for breath, he growled again. She leaned into him, welcoming the feel of his teeth and hot breath on her skin. Liquid fire bolted through his veins as he felt her give in to him. His fingers threaded their way through the hair at the nape of her neck and he pulled her head back to look at her face, eyes drowsy with desire. Her mouth was slightly open, and he could see her teeth peeking through her lips as she blinked at him slowly. He kissed her hard, bruising her lips with both their teeth, and then moved her over to the edge of the pool.

He was more muscled than she’d first anticipated, and his eyes seemed to glow with a yellow cast to them. She didn’t care at that point about anything but having more of him… She couldn’t get close enough to please her own desires, wanting to simply slip inside his skin and stay there. He pushed her up onto the pool deck and spread her legs wide, then pushed her back, forcing her to lay on the floor. She sat straight back up when she felt his tongue touch her clit - and was forced immediately back down with a fierce-sounding bark and a push of his hand.

He could feel her heartbeat under his hand as he held her down and slowly, carefully tongued his way in and out of her vagina and outer lips. He could taste the pool water, could smell her sex, and her need for him was almost tangible. She continued to moan, making him crazy as he tried to hold on to some sort of control and give her pleasure before letting the beast take over. He could already feel his nails growing longer, and his balls were bursting with the need to bury himself deep within her right now. He had to make sure she was ready for him, was desperate, wet, and begging…

She gasped as he thrust his tongue deep inside her, then started sucking and flicking on her clit, pressing down on her belly at the same time. She writhed beneath him, wanting his cock to be deep inside of her at the same time - knowing it was an impossibility and yet needing it all at the same time. She whimpered, then cried out as she reached orgasm quickly, flooding his mouth with cum, and then reaching yet another peak and squirting some more.

He groaned, and knew he had to have her right then. He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her down onto his cock, pushing deep inside of her as he wrapped his arms around her. He braced her against the wall of the pool and started thrusting. She gasped as he filled her completely, then threw her head back and yelled as he started fucking her hard into the pool wall. Her nails bit into his back and shoulders, and he bit her hard and growled at her.

“Oh god, YES! Fuck me!” she howled, clutching at him. “Fuck yes!”

He growled again, and abruptly stopped moving and nuzzled her ear. “My name - it’s Fenric - say it. Say it, dammit!”

“Fenric! Fuck me, please,” she cried out, practically sobbing for him to continue, to make her come over and over again.

He grunted, then nibbled her ear and caressed her face as he slowly withdrew from her. She collapsed into his arms, unable to move, yet desperate for more. He carried her from the pool and into the house.

“Which way to your room, love?” His soft dark brogue sent chills down her spine and made her tremble.

“Left, down the hallway, last room.” She nuzzled his neck and bit his earlobe softly, making him groan in a desperate attempt to keep control.

“God, love - what you do to me,” he muttered into her hair, and moaned as she pinched his nipples, then suckled on them. “GOD!”

Then he heard her giggle…

He threw open the door and tossed her onto the large bed in the center of the room, then slammed the door shut with a foot. Fenric strode over and flipped her onto her belly, pulling her by her hair to her knees, her ass high in the air. He smelled her sex again, and licked it softly, then buried himself into her once again.

He rode her hard this time, scraping her back, smacking her thighs and ass with open palms, and pulling her hair to bring her harder into him. She screamed like a feral cat, arching her back and twisting further into him, desperate to take him completely. He could feel himself turning completely at that point, his balls tightening up to come hard deep within her. Her pussy was hot and wet, pulsing around him repeatedly.

He finally couldn’t hold off any longer. He pulled her up toward him, pushed one final time, and came inside her while growling and whimpering all at the same time. He slowly pushed her away from him, gently laying her onto the bed, and then laying down himself, exhausted and panting, desperate for air, for water, for rest… He looked over at her prone form, and found that he was desperate for her yet again. He groaned inwardly. This wasn’t going to be as easy as he’d thought.

She lay there, panting and sweaty, wanting to feel him inside her yet again. She couldn’t open her eyes, she was so tired - and yet, she felt like running 15 miles… She smiled softly, sighed, and then her eyes opened and fixed on Fenric. She blinked several times to try and get hair out of her eyes, only to find that it wasn’t hair in her eyes that made him look fuzzy. He was fuzzy; very, very fuzzy. In fact, one could consider him to have grown a fairly full coat of hair in the space of a few hours. She frowned in mild confusion, and his golden eyes met hers. She looked down at his clawed hands, and it all clicked.

“You’re a - a -”

“A wolf. Yes, love. I am that, and more. You aren’t frightened,” he asked, hoping yet hating to hear the answer he always got.

“No. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d had sex with something other than human. I only wish I’d known it before.” She watched his eyes dim with guilt. “That isn’t what I meant - I mean, I knew that you were different, I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly how.”

He had the grace to blush a bit under his fur, and looked embarrassed. “It’s not exactly something that I tell everyone I meet. It tends to be a bit of a mood killer, really.”

“And the two couples who were with you? Are they also wolves?”

“No… They are friends of mine. They thought it would be fun to take me out for an evening, get me drunk, and hope I got lucky.”

She giggled nervously. “Little did they know.”

“Well, I can say that even if I’d had a few pints, I was completely sober when you invited me home with you.” He looked at her seriously. “This isn’t something that I do lightly.”

She glanced at the clock - 3:12am - they’d been having sex for the last two hours, and she realized she wasn’t tired at all.

“Love,” he said quietly, “I would like to know at least one thing before we go further with anything.”

Warily she eyed him.

“Your name, love. I never found out your name.”

“Oh! My name,” she said, drawing in a shaky breath. “It’s Lorelai. Lorelai Cabot. And you’re Fenric… Fenric?”

“Fenric Halloran, at your service, love - but I think, under the circumstances, you can call me Fen.” His eyes had dimmed their golden hue, and his hands were looking more human the longer they talked.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Lorelai jolted awake to the sound of her phone going off in her ear. Groping for the offending item, she blearily opened her eyes and focused on the clock next to her bed. 6:37, she thought? Was that a.m.?! Oh god. Someone had better either be dead or have the largest emergency ever written to call that early in the morning.

“Hrmmph,” she muttered, feeling a heavy hand lay onto her hip. “Cabot. What’s going on?”

“Cabot, it’s Hendricks. We got another one. I need you down here now, while it’s still fresh.”

“Jesus, Hendricks. It’s 6:37 in the fucking morning.” She ran her fingers through her hair and tuned out Hendricks’ rant of responsibility to the badge. She knew better than most the responsibility to it. It ruled her damned life - had been since she was born.

“Yeah, ok! I got it. I’ll be down in an hour. Give me time to shower, all right?”

“Just get down here, Cabot.” She heard the weariness in his voice, and suddenly felt guilty as hell for being snappish.

Clicking off the cell, she pushed the covers off and started to shuffle off to the bathroom. Turning to grab a towel from the hallway cabinet, she met calm brown eyes staring down at her and almost yelped. She’d forgotten Fen was here.

“Going somewhere?” Fen tamped fiercely down on a sudden jealous burst that she had another male calling her this early in the morning.

“My boss - My job just called me in. I- I have to catch a quick shower and then head into town. I can give you a lift, if you’d like.”

Fen’s eyes flickered, then he grinned. “Tell you what. You head out to your job, and call me about an hour before you’re due home. I’ll whip you up a grand meal. I’m sure you’ll need one.”

She shrugged. “Suit yourself. I’m too tired to argue right now.”

After a hot shower and a light stretch, Lore felt more alive. Coming out of the bedroom, she smelled coffee, toast and bacon beckoning her to the kitchen. Coming around the corner, she found Fen, softly humming, spatula in one hand, and a smile on his lips. He looked up to see her and grinned.

“I found us some breakfast, love, if you need it before you go. I can even make it to go, if you like.”

“Are you normally so chipper in the morning? Or is it just after having an amazing round of beast-fucking?” She tried to glower at him, but found it nearly impossible to do so - especially after he stuck a cup of coffee under her nose and fed her a slice of perfectly cooked bacon.

“I wouldn’t know - I hadn’t had an amazing round of beast-fucking before.” He grinned at her look of undisguised shock. “Well, I’ve had sex before, but never on that scale, love. That’s new - and somehow, I think it all has to do with you.”

Lorelai sipped her coffee rather than say anything. Truth to tell, she was dumbfounded by Fen’s statement. She wasn’t beautiful, wasn’t interesting… He must have just been hard-up. That’s all, that’s it. Once she settled that in her head, she felt a little better, and then looked at the clock.

“Crap! I have to go. I’ll call the house phone when I’m on my way back. Make yourself at home, no ordering pay-per-view, and no loud parties.” She headed out the door to the garage and found her way blocked by a large arm.

“That’s all, is it? I’d like a kiss goodbye, love.” His lips descended and her brain turned to mush. He nibbled on the sides of her mouth, his hands caressing her back and up into her hair. She moaned softly, then pulled gently away.

“I really do have to go. It’s urgent.”

“Then go. I’ll see you when you get home. What is this job, then?”

“I’m a detective.” And with that, Lorelai headed out the door and into a miserably humid, gray day.

Driving down Sunset Highway, she dialed Hendricks back on her Bluetooth, but her brain was still back at home. When he answered, she forcibly wrenched her attention back to the present, and the issue at hand.

“What do we have, Captain?”

“We have another one. She’s hung just like the last four. No witnesses, no ID, no nothin’.” She could hear the frustration in his voice as he sighed.

“Where am I headed, boss?”

She was given the address to a warehouse out in the NW area of Portland, just at the edge of the posh Pearl District, near the industrial areas. The area had been purchased and upgraded by a bunch of yuppies with too much money and time on their hands for anyone’s own good. They’d turned an area once known for ten-minute tricks and heroin shooters into posh boutiques, French bistros and high-priced condos and townhouses. Lorelai snorted derisively. She wasn’t sure which was worse - before the change, or after.

Turning down 23rd Avenue, she drove down the main thoroughfare of the Pearl, its stores barely waking up at 7am on a Sunday morning, if they were to open at all. Traffic was light, and she made it down past the last of the fancy-shmancy and into the edge of Industrial Way. It had become trendy to purchase and turn warehouses into large, open-floored studios, selling for upwards of $350,000 a pop. And now, one of them was going to need a serious deep clean once the homicide crew was done with things.

She parked along the side of the building, flashing her badge to get a prime spot. Getting out, she noted that even at this early hour, police lights still got a tidy group of gawkers to join the ranks of those awake and here. Rolling her eyes, she threaded her way through them and tucked under the crime scene tape. She saw Hendricks as he came out, ashen-faced and not looking good at all. She knew this had been particularly hard on him, as he had a teenaged daughter of his own.

“Look, Paul, if you don’t have to be here, then don’t be here.”

“No, I do have to be here, Cabot. It’s my responsibility. I need to catch this guy, and we need to do it soon - he’s escalating. And the Feds are coming in by Friday to look everything over and start from scratch.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “The fuckin’ Feds, Cabot. Throw me a bone here, eh? Please - get me something this time. I don’t know how you do it, I don’t want to know how you do it - and frankly, I don’t care. Just get me something to nail this son-of-a-bitch once and for all.”

Lorelai nodded, patting his back. “I’ll do what I can. Get everyone out of there as soon as possible, and let me know when they’re out. I’ll go in at that point.”

She went over to a nearby bench where coffee and donuts had been placed for the crew, and sat down. This was the tedious part. She could feel the waves of emotion coming out of the building, and wasn’t thrilled about the prospect of going through this yet again. Her lips twisted as she remembered the last time she was called out for this - the panic attacks had been spectacular.

At last, the last of Forensics trailed out, boxes of samples in tow, and she was waved over by a weary-looking Paul.

“Did you need to have someone stick around to help drive you back afterwards? Might be a good idea, considering last time…” He trailed off, looking at her as she swallowed and squared her shoulders.

“Yeah. Have Tucker stick around if she’s still here. I can call her a cab if it’s necessary.”

“OK, Cabot. Be careful. I’d like to see a report on my desk by the end of the day today - tomorrow at the latest.” Hendricks patted her on the shoulder and headed toward a petite blond in uniform to speak with her.

And I’m on, she thought. Lorelai walked toward the building and saw that there was almost a corridor being created by the techs and officers still left at the scene. Most of them knew her peripherally, and a few didn’t believe that she could do a damned thing to help the case that they hadn’t already had a hand in. A few faces held contempt, but most were hopeful, and a few were just bleak with despair. Reaching the door, she squared her shoulders and took out a can of Mentholated rub. Tucking a few wipes under her nose, she sighed again, and then walked into hell.

Serendipity?

2010-03-05T18:50:00.002-08:00

The effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

I'm not sure that what has just happened *was* serendipitous, but I suppose it could be, depending on what might happen...

Interestingly enough, there have been bubbles of discontent breaking the surface of the waters for some time in my current situation (not relationship-wise - something else completely). There have been increased undercurrents wending through, and the occasional undertow that has drawn me down below the surface.

While I understand that such is the nature of the beast, I also understand that such things do not bode well for the long-term of things... I am not oblivious to such changes in the tides or currents, and while normally I do deal well with them, I have found that getting older means being more intolerant of situations akin to this as they crop up. I just have no patience for it.

Last night, a discussion was held regarding other opportunities which were currently available - opportunities that, while outside the home, were definitely financially more lucrative, and had additional benefits that might be good, too...

This morning the ebb tides turned on me and I felt bombarded with what felt like a metric butt-ton of flotsam and jetsam, and at one point announced that I'd had it.

Who would have thought that opening my personal email this evening could be fortuitous... I find an email asking if I would be interested in joining in on said opportunity. Go figure...

Now it's time to make a decision...

~M

On polyamory...

2010-03-03T15:00:00.002-08:00

Every poly couple does poly differently. Some recognize that there is a primary in the relationship while others don't... Yet, in most successful poly relationships, there are a core set of rules that are set up so that people are able to co-exist with one another.

1. The three C's... Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

2. One Standard Will Do Nicely (thanks so much to Lil for putting this into succinct wording). If it's OK for one person, it should be OK for everyone. If it's not OK for one person, you might want to re-think your own actions/wants.

3. Treat those involved how you would want to be treated - the golden rule isn't just in general life, people, it's in relationships, too. And especially in Poly ones. If you want to be respected, then respect those within your relationship. Respect is earned, but you do have to start somewhere. Being up-front and honest from the get-go will earn respect a lot faster than being shady and underhanded - and certainly faster than calling names and throwing accusations out at people.

Above and beyond that, it's up to the couple - but both parties in the original relationship should be in agreement to what their rules should entail, before they go willy-nilly into a poly relationship. Saves on time, wear and tear, and nerves - not to mention tons of teary tissues and late night sobs.

Why bring this up at all? I got a phone call from a friend, who was at a loss for giving advise to a friend of hers... What did my friend do? Come to me for advice. "Ack," I thought to myself, "What on EARTH is she thinking?! I have no clue how to deal with a poly relationship!"

Really, though, I think that Fred and I have made it work. No, it's not perfect - no relationship is. But we haven't killed one another either, and have continued to remember rule one above and beyond anything else.

One thing that I do want to say - for those of you who do Poly another way, that's great - like I said before, poly is not a one-size-fits-all thing... It comes in different packages, and each is a little different.

But for me, it's like this:

1. Yes, there is such a thing as a "primary" when it comes down to it. I am Fred's primary, and he is mine. No one else is going to have equal status in the relationship, and that's the way it is. If you don't like it, then there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

2. Yes, Fred and I are each allowed to play with others. However, we do need to talk about it ahead of time to one another. Neither of us feels it juvenile to talk about what we want to do - in fact, we would feel it childish and immature to NOT talk about it ahead of time. We use this time to talk about fears, insecurities, and how we feel about the third person.

3. There is a veto list - it's short, sweet, and to the point, and both of us worked on it together. The reason for this is that neither of us wants to see the other (or ourselves) hurt in the long run.

4. We have do ultimate veto power. If we don't feel comfortable with the other person playing, we can say so. It's ok to have feelings, and be honest with one another about them. If that means that we have to say "No" once in a while, then so be it.

5. Once permission is granted, it's granted - for that go-round. Yes, it can get tedious at times asking. But, situations and people change - and rather than simply assuming that it's going to be ok to go forth and do whatever, we respect one another enough to ask before hand.

I have been in a bad poly relationship. I know how that goes. I now have a pretty good poly relationship, and frankly would never go back.

What makes a bad poly relationship? Well, several things. In my case, the person I was with felt that he could simply go around screwing whomever he wanted - without talking to me about it, and without using protection. At one point, I didn't find out until TWO YEARS after the fact. TWO YEARS.

In addition to this, he wanted nothing to do with me while he was messing around - and yes, that's exactly what I felt it was. To me, if you don't have the guts to come out and say that you want to have sex with someone else, then you're not in a poly relationship - you're cheating. Plain and simple. If you want to cheat, then cheat - but don't expect me to be complacent about it.

So, no communication, no respect, and no boundaries - but the worst part was that it was fine for him to go out and play, but it was completely unacceptable for me to do so, too. Sorry, bub. No can do. Needless to day, that was the end of the relationship - much to his surprise.

Long story short, here's what I have to say about the situation asked of me earlier today:

First and foremost, the two people in the primary relationship need to be honest, up front, and willing to listen to one another. If one person wants one thing, and the other wants something else, neither of you is going to get anywhere. If you don't talk with one another, and listen, you won't get anywhere, either.

Secondly, anyone outside of the two people in the primary relationship does NOT have a say about what should or should not be happening in the relationship - not until after rules are set out between the primary couple - and any additional rules created for the secondary relationship (or whatever you want to call it) should not supersede the original rules.

That's just my two cents worth, though...

Want more unsolicited advice? Try going here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/

2009-08-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

Many people know I've been a member of the SCA for 16 years. I started back in 1993, at a local event called Egil's, held in Eugene, Oregon, and I was hooked from that point on.

If you've never heard of the SCA, here's a quick primer: The group was started in Berkeley, when a few friends decided to get together for a theme wedding - they had so much fun with it, they decided to start having a group get-together every month... It grew, and eventually (after more than 20 years) became international, reaching Russia, Japan, Austrailia even... It's a non-profit organization, which means that membership is tax-deductable, and it centers on learning about life as it was from 700 A.D. (or, for you history students C.E.) to 1600 A.D. While the SCA centers upon life within the European culture, many members learn about life outside of that location, though they do try to keep within the timeline.

All the SCA asks is that you, as a participant, make an **attempt** at looking the part. They have "Gold Key" at most sanctioned events, where you can trade your ID for garb for the weekend, or put a deposit on garb. They also have groups in the area that can help you design your clothes, teach you how to sew them, and there's a plethora of websites and books available to use for patterning. They'd love to have you join and pay the yearly membership fee as well, but it's not mandatory.

So why, if it's this simple to start up and enjoy, have there been non-sanctioned events popping up like ever-increasing alien crop circles? Has the SCA *really* become that horrible, that people have felt the need to leave and make their own place elsewhere?

The answer, at least in my neck of the woods, is two-fold... Much of the non-sanctioned events that were created 10 years ago in our little area were because of the high level of drama that had been increasing within events like Egil's. Drama is never enjoyable, no matter where you are - but when you include the stress of running an event for 1000 people, and add in sharp, pointy objects and alcohol, it becomes even more fun - or not...

The drama, in this case, was a combination of people who were running the event being more interested in micro-managing than making sure that those who went to the event had a good, safe time, AND those who went to the event wanting to make it into their own stage and had "LOOK AT ME" signs everywhere - never mind that they never did anything as such to assist in the running of the event (they were much too busy making sure that their own internal households were doing what they needed to in order to "entertain" the populace).

Either way, it wasn't fun for the rest of us, who were there to enjoy themselves, take a few classes, volunteer a few hours to help the event run smoothly, and perhaps join in at a Bardic or two. Thus was born the non-sanctioned event (that is, an event dedicated to the same types of things that the SCA was, but without the backing or insurance of the SCA)...

Don't get me wrong - I was not in love with the non-sanctioned event, I can only say that I understand the reasons behind creating one.

This year marked the 10th anniversary of the first non-sanctioned event in the area. It also marked, for me, the end of non-sanctioned events that I would be going to. See, while the first and second one apparently were a lot of fun, and not much drama at all, after a few years it became clear to me that it had an increasing amount of drama, and not as much fun for me.

I normally stay out of drama. I tend to help out where I can (namely gate and constab, occasionally heralding announcements), and make sure that if there's more help to be needed, I get the word out to get more people up to volunteer. When it comes into, or at least crouches in front of, my gate, I have issues with it. It stops me from having a good time. And if it stops *me* from having a good time, chances are, it's stopping others from having a good time, too.

While I always understood that this event was for pirate personas (the SCA tends to frown on them as most people tend to portray the most hollywoodized versions of them, with a lot of post-1600 accessories added on for good measure), I got tired of it fairly quickly. Why? No one could actually give an accurate depiction of a pirate - over half of them couldn't even give a definition of nautical terms! It may all be pretend, but wasn't the non-sanctioned event supposed to at least have the ideals of the SCA? Apparently not... The reasons for going to a non-sanctioned event were ever-increasing alcohol and parties, and decreasing information about the era.

I remember going to classes at a non-sanctioned event... They had the same three classes every year - the only ones I remember were "The history of female pirates" Interesting, yes, but a fairly short class - because there were only a handful of them at all - and only 2 or 3 of them prior to 1600 (sorry to be a stickler, but I could go as far as 1640 and still not find another one), AND "The history of courtesans", a really fascinating subject for me - but a lot of it dwelt upon movie representations of it because that's what people could grasp easily. I'm sorry, but courtesans did NOT go out into public during the day dressed like THAT - they'd have gotten stoned. Plain and simple. How do I know? I did research because for a time, that was my persona... Simple, easy to care for clothing for daytime work. The "good" stuff didn't come out until you were at a party, or were entertaining a guest.

I only went to one event this year - it was a non-sanctioned one. I know now that I'd been simply getting more and more fed up each year with the general attitude and lack of anything to do that interested me during the day, when I compared it to a sanctioned event from last year. I was done with non-sanctioned. I didn't have anything to do at all, besides wander merchant's row and listen to raids happening outside my encampment... To put it in short, I was bored.

The return of Fred from the other non-sanctioned event, a blatent pirate event, spurred me to keep from ever wanting to return to it... Steampunk (or Deadwood, or Wild West, or whatever you want to call it) has invaded the merchants, as well as the attendees. Really? REALLY?!?! Are you SERIOUS?! I think not. I'm no stickler about a lot of things, and I certainly won't upbraid anyone about their garb, as long as they make a reasonable attempt at looking the part for the weekend... But STEAMPUNK!!?!?!?! Sorry, but if you want to play "Wild, Wild West", then do it elsewhere... You can join your buddies with the fake elf ears, pan horns, and fangs. They don't belong here! GAH!

On top of that, the local law enforcement apparently came down because of a robbery at a previous campout (non-sca type) and wanted to see whether this event had had similar issues... While there, they apparently smelled certain... GREEN substances in the air. Folks - if you have to have an escape from your escape, you are an addict and need help. Seriously. Not only that, but it's ILLEGAL!!! I don't care what it is, I don't care that you're doing it in your own tent (which, btw, does NOT keep it inside, but carries it across the whole $%#$% campground - some people are allergic, others are small children, and still others just don't want it!), and I don't care about how you feel about the law. These people completely disregarded the fact that, had they wanted to be total asshats, the local law enforcement agents could have closed down the ENTIRE site at that point and forced people to pack up and leave in the dark. Stupid. Just plain stupid, selfish, ADDICTS!

So, with that said, I will not be joining in with any more non-sanctioned events. I am looking forward to next camping season (we're too poor this year for any more), wherein I can once more feel like I'm getting something besides a weekend of stress.

~M

Unemployed...

2009-07-07T14:07:00.003-07:00

So, the final upshot of everything at work was that I got fired... Well, that's not quite true - they gave me the option to resign prior to being fired. Either way, I wouldn't get unenjoyment, as the reasons behind the firing were, apparently, justified.

Now both Fred and I are unemployed. Boo is overjoyed at having us both to herself, but the money has quickly fled, and I'm searching for work, so that I can have an income once more. Fred's hoping that he can get his 401K cashed out so we can at least get the rent paid next month, and possibly the month after that, too.

The good news is that everyone around here is supposedly hiring... The bad news is that there are even more people out of work than there are jobs, and the companies that really ARE hiring are getting to be quite picky about who they hire. They can claim anything they want (pretty much) in the advert, but they don't have to hire you just because you fit their advert. There's a lot of other people out there who are just as qualified, or more so, than you...

The mediocre news is that if worst comes to worst, we can move to Port Townsend and live on my mom's property until we get our feet under us. At least then, we wouldn't have to pay for rent... But, it's 500 miles from our friends and current job connections... A real pain to try and uproot everything and head up there... Not to mention the idea of how long it would take for us to get back to Portland... meh...

It's all been very stressful. I'm cooking - a lot... And I seem to have found a previously undiscovered niche that I'm rather surprised about. I'm good at wedding planning. I never knew that I was, and certainly didn't think about doing it. I rather enjoy it, honestly, which is odd, too... With Silky and David getting married next week, Fred and I have been working on their outfits, and I've been helping Silky make sure that all the things she wants to have happen, happen. Turns out, I have been able to find a lot of stuff that she wasn't able to find, and remember a lot of things that she wouldn't have been able to remember. So, perhaps that is something that I should look into as a side venue... Perhaps...

Meanwhile, I'm applying for at least 3 jobs per day. I'm hoping that if I do that, I can be employed fairly soon...

Wish me luck.

~M

Desperately in Need!!!

2009-06-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

So, we aren't sure what happened, but our dear cat, Nibbler, has managed to injure himself rather badly.

There's been a stray cat around the complex for a while. The local animal control refuses to come out to catch it, citing that there are too many pets currently in their shelter, so they'll just capture him, neuter him, and release him back out here... Which won't help things at all.

About 4 days ago, Nibbler and this cat got into a fight on our porch (2nd floor balcony - the damned stray climbed up the bush next to it and decided to invite himself in). We don't know what exactly happened, as we were asleep - a neighbor alerted us to the fight after it happened.

All we know now is that he started favoring his right front paw. Then it moved to his back right paw. Now he's favoring both front and back, though the right front is worse, and the pain seems to be moving toward his ribs, too.

We cannot find a hot spot, a puffy area, or any outward sign of infection. All we know is that he's very much in pain, and we cannot afford to take him to the vet at this point.

Fred is out of work currently, and I'm due to lose my job in a week. We desperately need any help possible to assist us in making our dear kitty better.

If anyone out there is able to spare anything at all, or has animal veterinary training and is able to look at him, please let us know asap. It breaks our hearts to watch him struggle to even walk.

Thank you for anything you can give.

~M

Introspection...

2009-05-25T09:52:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it takes me a while to get my brain wrapped around how good I have things... Sure, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs (and most likely will never get out), and there are times I really wish I could just up and quit my job (who doesn't?)...

Still and yet, this weekend I learned (finally) that sometimes, things happen for the best - no matter how hurtful they were at the time...

Fred, Boo and I went to an SCA event this weekend, and we camped near my old household. Turns out, while the ex was not there, his new wife was (the one who was the catalyst for us divorcing). Also, turns out she's now pregnant...

Even though we'd separated over 5 years ago, there was still a lot of harbored resentment and anger toward the both of them by me. I had never actually confronted either of them over the repeated deceit that occurred - not to mention the fact that I was summarily pushed out of my household because of my inability to "play nice" with them after the separation and divorce. It cost me a number of friendships, only one of which is barely getting back to being acquaintence level now.

So, here I was, taken completely unawares by said acquaintence coming up and saying that she was there, AND was pregnant. The ex had never wanted to have a child with me, until after I kicked him out - at which point he tried to use a sudden "change-of-heart" to lure me back.

I was considering staying in camp the whole weekend to avoid having an uncomfortable confrontation. I didn't want the stress, and the chasm of unknown loomed before me, attempting to swallow me whole. I didn't like the feeling of being helpless, but at the same time, didn't want to deal with the situation, either.

Saturday dawned, and I decided, after hearing from another of my campmates that I looked pretty good, I would go to merchant's row and peruse the goods. I put on my best clothes, and make-up, and walked out with my friend - and summarily found myself at the booth the ex's new bride was working at.

I have to say, I was more than civil to her. She showed me the 2 carat platinum wedding band he'd purchased for her, and told me she was pregnant... We talked for a bit about how she was, and she told me how well things were going for her and the ex. She told me that she'd turned him around 180 degrees from where he was when he was with me, and how he was thrilled to be with her and that she was pregnant. And I took it all in and considered.

I could have been mean. I could have been snide. I could have burst her bubble completely if I'd wanted to... People only change if they want to change - they can't be changed by anyone else... You can't "MAKE" someone change... I know - I'd tried with him for years, and it had never worked. But I considered everything that I'd been through from the get-go with him, through to that day, and all the anger, bitterness, rage and emptiness that I'd felt throughout my relationship with him - and afterwards as well... I looked back at how "unworthy" I'd felt since, obviously he had chosen to do all of these things with her, and not with me...

And then I looked at my relationship with Fred... And I realized I have never had to lie (or felt the need to lie) about how our relationship was to anyone - certainly not to myself. I never felt like I was lacking, I never felt worthless, or unnecessary, or somehow less of a person than I should be. I never felt second, and never felt like I needed to change him - or our relationship.

I have a beautiful daughter with him, that he loves, worships and adores - as much as he loves, worships and adores me... I have an amazing girlfriend who loves Boo, and adores both Fred and me. And while I may not have a lot of money, or a house, I have what matters...

So, I was able to honestly tell her that I wished her and him the best of luck in their relationship, and that I hoped that she got everything she wanted from it. I hoped that things continued on well with the both of them, and I wished her a healthy pregnancy and birth.

And I was able to walk away feeling lighter, better, and more in control of myself, my feelings, and my general attitude than I had been in years.

I have to say, it was an amazingly cathartic experience, and the introspection did me (not to mention, I'm sure, my own relationships) a world of good.

~M

On schools, grades, and your precious little snowflake

2009-04-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

So, unless you don't have school-aged children, or don't have friends who have school-aged children, you wouldn't know about the increasing terror in the public education system about... da-da-da-DUM!!!

Letter Grades!!!!

Oooohh! I know - so scary. And yet, apparently, according to more and more school districts, letter grades are a horrible thing for our children to have to deal with...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,518101,00.html

According to many school psychiatrists now, your precious little snowflake can't handle the pressures of school and the possibility of a failing grade, so they've change how they're handling things, to allow for all children to be able to do as little as possible and still get passed through.

How? Well, changing over from letter grades to P for "pass" or H for "held" (where basically, they get a do-over without being penalized for it) is apparently a start. "Administrators and teachers say the policies provide hope for underperforming students".

Oh puh-leeze!

Let's clear up a few things here about this whole grading process, shall we?

When I went to school (and no, I didn't have to walk both ways uphill, in the snow, barefooted), we were expected to do homework and turn it in on time. We were expected to study, to show up on time, to be respectful of both our fellow students and our teachers, and we took our exams. Even if we didn't PASS the exam, the overall work that we did in class, as well as our homework, showed whether we were competant with the material that was being doled out to us.

We may not have performed well on tests, but if we did everything else in class, we'd still pass the class with a C or better. And normally, the teacher would notice that we didn't do well on tests, and try to either work with us for different ways to try taking the test, or suggest ways to study better for them...

We were NOT told "Gee, it's too bad that you can't seem to pass the test, so we're going to simply put you on a hold for this class, and you'll get to open-book the test so you will pass it... And I'll even read you the answers so you'll get them right..."

We were NOT told "Oh, poor thing... I'm so sorry that you don't get enough time with your friends because you had to do your homework tonight - so we'll let it slide this semester, since we know that a letter grade doesn't reflect YOU as a person... Instead, you can write a short essay on how you feel now that you don't have any pressure placed on you."

And we CERTAINLY were NOT told "Oh! I'm so sorry that you feel like you're a failure because you've refused to do the work that was expected of you and you're falling behind... here - how about if I have the teacher fill out the answers for you, and you can sign your name at the top! Won't that make you feel better?!"

And we wonder why it is, we now have so many people who are disinterested in working, feel resentment at their bosses for expecting them to put in a full day's work for a full day's pay, and it's more and more difficult to get quality work out of new employees...

Hmmm... Maybe your precious little snowflake could have used a paddling...

~M

Whoops...

2009-04-26T14:11:00.002-07:00

So, yeah... about that updating every day - or even once a week thing... Oops. Hey, what can I say - Life got the better of me.

What's been going on? Nothing of much import... Cleaning, sewing, working, being a mom... the generic stuff that drives people to do stupid stuff like spend too much money and then stress about where rent's going to come from. *rolls eyes*

Honestly, I've just been trying to make it from one day to the next lately. Had to take 3 days off work due to a particularly nasty headcold/sinus infection/migraine thing... Not sure what the heck is up with that, but apparently my daughter is the epidemic incubator of the world, determined to infect everyone around her with practically terminal virul infections. It's a good thing she's cute and we love her...

She's learning more words almost by the second, and is getting faster at zipping around the house, climbing up and down, and generally getting into EVERYTHING... I can only hope that we can manage to get most of the breakables into a room she has absolutely no access to until she's 15, or get them all attached to the ceiling - or else it's curtains for all the china and glassware... She's managed already to break two of the spines off the crystal hedgehog... I'll be putting that up higher now...

Anyway, other than that, nothing else is really happening... My life is pretty mundane lately, and I'm ok with that.

~M

Saving...

2009-03-25T13:27:00.003-07:00

I've been trying lately to start saving money by clipping coupons and looking for good buys in the stores. So far, I'm not doing too badly, though I've just started.

So far, I'm waiting for some manufacturer coupons to come in the mail, and am going to start picking up the sunday paper for the coupons as well.

I'd like to ask that if any of my readers end up with manufacturer coupons that won't use them, please think about handing them over to me. I'll be glad to take them off your hands...

If you're looking to try and save a little cash, you might try clipping coupons and checking out this last Tuesday's Food Day in the Oregonian. There were some great tips in there about how to best use coupons.

Also, there's plenty of online, printable coupons out there. Keep in mind, though - WinCo does NOT take internet printed coupons, nor do they price-match or take competitors coupons. Only manufacturer coupons.

You may also try to grow a little something to help out your kitchen. Even herbs can help, and are easy to grow on a porch. I know, because I'm growing some myself. They're going to be so much easier to keep this way, won't get stuck in my fridge forever until they rot, and are less expensive to keep than $2/package of herbs...

So, there's my two cents worth for attempting to save some green. :-)

~M

Updated 11:45am 3-27-09

http://www.oregonlive.com/foodday/index.ssf/2009/03/cutting_costs_with_coupons.html

According to this lady, there are organic coupons available, if you search for them. So, if you have issues with purchasing foods that are pre-processed, there are still ways to cut costs.

And onto the next phase...

2009-03-23T09:04:00.002-07:00

So, Friday the dental clinic finally called me back - at 5pm... They said they couldn't set up an appointment or make decisions regarding my care until they got my chart back from the other clinic where I had the urgent appointment on Wednesday...

I'm sorry, what? You don't have my chart back to the regular clinic, and it's been 48 hours? Why didn't they send it back that evening before closing - seeing as how it's only 2.5 miles away from you... Their answer? "I don't know..."

I see...

So, supposedly, I'm to hear from them today. I'm not going to wait - I'm calling at my first break, and then if I don't hear back, I'll call at my lunch, and lather, rinse, repeat until I get somewhere. This has to be some of the worst customer service and patient treatment I've ever had in my life, I swear to the good Goddess above.

This will make appointment # 5 that I've had to make to get ONE tooth fixed. OMG. This falls under the "That's just sad" category.

~M

Murphy... Paging Dr Murphy...

2009-03-13T11:46:00.002-07:00

So, the whole thing with the tooth... Yeah... It's still going on. My Dr's name is apparently Murphy - as in "the laws of"...

It wouldn't be so bad but for the pain, and the ever-present worry that something worse is going to happen now that the top of the tooth has been removed and only a temporary cap has been placed on top... Like, oh, say, the whole tooth deciding that it's had enough and it's going to split in half... fun stuff.

Yesterday was an exersize in frustration trying to get the clinics to understand that I wasn't going to wait until April (yes, APRIL!!) for another appointment, nor was I going to go in and pay an extra $50 for an "emergency" appointment just to have them do something "temporary" on it to "get me through"... They can give me drugs and I'll be happy.

So, after spending over an hour arguing back and forth with them, it was determined that I'll go in next Wednesday morning and, barring even MORE complications, I'll have the root canal done then. Yay me.

I feel certain that my boss is loving me right now... I warm the cockles of her heart, I'm sure...

~M

Yikes!

2009-03-06T16:03:00.002-08:00

So, I'm currently on large quantities of Ibuprofen and vicoden. Why? Because I'm in the midst of a root canal, and apparently I'm super special because I have what's known as a "hot tooth". It has to be one of the more painful things I've gone through, barring giving birth.

They've managed to take the cap off the tooth, and start removing the stuff in it, stuck stuff into the tooth to kill the root, and stuck a cap back onto the tooth. Why? because they were unable to anestetise me enough to keep working on the tooth... So, I have to go to a specialist next Thursday. Yes, Thursday... That means a whole 7 days with this BS to go through, and hope that I have enough pain meds to get through to then. Otherwise, I'll be screaming over the telephone at them to get me more.

Currently, I've lost 3 days to this, and am not looking forward to losing more. I've had to ask for FMLA to cover the time off, so that I don't get hit with attendence points, because I'll be damned if I will get in trouble for this darned thing.

Done...

2009-02-27T10:07:00.000-08:00

I could say that it's the weather, or stress, or the bills we're currently facing, or just plain depression... But I don't know whether it's any of those or just a lack of better living through chemistry... I just feel crappy. I am not taking joy in most of the things that I normally would, and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any second. I want to cry at a moment's notice, I don't want to do anything besides sleep, and I can't even begin to clean my house - I have no clue where to start...

I'm so overwhelmed with everything that it's so tempting to just quit everything and run away. I can taste the impulse when I wake up in the morning, and feel it in the back of my head when I go to bed at night. I have looked longingly at the sunrise, wanting to follow it away from where I am, and dreamed of sunsets far from where I live.

I'm told that I just need to deal with it, that it will get better, that things aren't that horrible... I hear my daughter's laughter in my ears and wonder what, if anything, I can ever give her that could equal a stable life... I look at the joy and wonder in her eyes and wish that I could get those things back for myself as well - knowing that I probably never will.

I look in the mirror and I hate what I see there - a useless, selfish piece of fat crap that does nothing to better herself and refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I know what I *could* do, but I don't do it. I *could* cut out everything that's non-essential that we're paying for currently, and thereby be able to make all the payments necessary to bring my bills closed completely more easily... We don't technically NEED internet, or cable, or technically even phones... But I won't do it. I'm selfish, and I refuse to cut those things out. I *could* cut out most of the excess food that we have wandering around the house and get down to beans and rice, with some veggies for variety. But I won't do that... I'm selfish, and I like to have good tasting food - not just food that will sustain me.

I feel dead inside, a husk of a human being, having had the life and love sucked out of me on a constant basis by debt and stress.

I should be happy... I have a job, a roof over my head, a supportive husband, a fabu girlfriend, and an amazingly wonderful daughter. These are gifts that I should appreciate and be joyful for, and I shouldn't overlook the significance of having them in my life... I shouldn't take them for granted, nor should I dismiss them readily.

And yet... I can't get over the feeling that somehow, I've let down everyone around me. I haven't done enough, haven't given enough, haven't been enough - and I never will be enough, or reach the point of having given enough or having done enough. I'll always be lacking, and I'll always end up being less than I should be for those around me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I should even be around...

ok... that's about enough of that...

2009-02-25T21:02:00.002-08:00

It's now February 25th, 2009, and Barack Obama has been in office for a little over a month.

Oh, shock and awe - he hasn't yet turned around the entire economic failure that our recently defunct president put us in over an 8 year stint in office... I'm amazed. I truly am! I mean, it's so obvious that *anyone* could turn around the current situation within 30 days or less. It's so easy, right? Oh my God! And Goddess! How dare President Obama NOT fulfill every single promise that he made during his campaign, and his presidential speech, within a month. It's absolutely unthinkable! It's ridiculous...

Unless, of course, you consider the amount of money we currently have on the debit side of the ledger... and you consider that it's not *JUST* Obama making the laws here - he suggests them, he can even push for them, and yes, his signature is on the bottom of them - but they do have to be put through an entire panel of congress - BOTH PARTIES, mind you, and have a majority pass in order for it to reach him again... Oh, and most times, in order to do that, the original idea gets moved around, changed, tweaked and otherwise twisted to fit the majority of those within congress so that the law will pass...

Oh, and let's not forget that Obama never ONCE said that he was a miracle worker. He never ONCE said that he was going to be able to do all of this within a month's time and after that the US would come up smelling of roses and sunshine, and everyone would have tons of money sprouting out their ass. Not once.

Let's also not forget, for all of those who sit there, smug as can be about there not yet being a change, that for all of your fears and all of your pissiness, he's still your president. Why? Because until you move out of the US and give up your citizenship, you're a member of the US - and he's the current leader of it. Like it or lump it. I may have been absolutely disgusted with the last president and his parties policies and choices, and I certainly didn't vote for him - but as ashamed as I was to admit that he was, he was still my president.

The current cabinet positions that are empty may stay that way for a while. Why? Because it's a make-or-break opportunity, and a 50/50 chance at getting it done. As for those within his party whom, I have heard, have not yet paid their taxes from last year - I'm not surprised. Then again, I'm not certain most people in congress have correctly filed in years, regardless of their political position. Is it honestly Obama's fault that they, last year, before Obama was in office, did not pay their taxes? No. Should Obama be held accountable for their actions? No - they should... Will they? I suppose that depends on the IRS. I won't hold my breath, but that's only because I'm a realist who knows that those people probably have access to some good lawyers.

In any case, how about a challange for all of those who are still ticked off that Obama hasn't yet turned the country around and made everything "perfect"... Let's see you do it. Let's see you, in all your smarts and glory, get everything done all nice and legal, following the whole procedure that everyone has to do in order to get stuff done, within 30 days. I'd love to see you try.

How about we have a little bout with realism at this point - Get off your fucking high horse, step off your soap box, and start realizing that it's NOT JUST OBAMA... He was NOT the cause of the financial situation we are now in, and the situation is grave enough that it won't take 30 days to pull us out of it. Hell, it could be that he can't get it done in 4 years, for all that we're in debt and in hock up to our sphincters. But at least he's attempting something that the last party did not - listen to the people and attempt to do something for them, rather than for their own pocketbooks.

If you don't agree with me, that's fine - I don't really fucking care. But at least I'm honestly looking at the situation and giving the guy more than 30 days to turn shit around.

~M

Because we all need an Italian Retreat...

2009-02-12T12:02:00.003-08:00

Castello di Carbonana

Presenting a truly rare opportunity to acquire a piece of history and make it part of your life, your family, your company, your legacy. An opportunity that is indeed priceless. This 18 hectare (44+ acres) Umbrian Estate and Castle sits nestled, as it has for centuries, in the foothills of the magnificent Medieval town of Gubbio.

Poised in a position which has dominated the valley and controlled access to ancient roads since the dawn of Christianity, this magnificent piece of Italy will be acquired along with the historic title that goes with the estate, that of "Count of Carbonana". The title was established in the year 900 and was given to one of the Castle's first owners, a distinguished Templar Knight. To this day the title remains certified with a heraldic emblem in the Italian Heraldic Encyclopedia and will pass on to the new owner, as it has for centuries.

Not to be left in the past, this rare offering also comes with the potential of complete renovation by the current owners for an additional 2.6 mill Euros. Such a renovation will include all amenities required of an international luxury estate, including tennis courts, pools, even a helipad. All the modern conveniences and top of the line appliances and systems along with refurbishment of all roofs, flooring, walls will be provided tucked behind period appropriate finishes and exteriors. There may be only a handful of people in the world who can appreciate the provenance of what exits in this historic place. We invite you to be among them and imagine yourselves legitimately as the "Count and/or Countess of Carbonana" of Umbria, Italy.

8 Million Euros present condition. 11 Million Euros Renovated

Castle Carbonana

Found this from a link on Fark.com (lord and lady bless them!)... Because, you know, I'll need to know what to spend my millions on when I win the lottery...

Oh wait... I need to PLAY the lottery before I can WIN it. Darn it. I knew there was a catch!

~M

Holy crap...

2009-02-11T14:35:00.000-08:00

OK, so this whole thing on the octuplets… I promised myself I was going to ignore the whole situation. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to go there… But I can’t help it. There’s only so much that I can deal with regarding the situation before my own personal feelings about the situation rear up. But, then, that’s why I have a blog.

Let me get the story straight, ok? We have a young woman who, when she finds out she can’t get pregnant, she goes in to a fertility clinic to get help. I have no issue with that. Lots of women do that, and I understand why – sort of… The whole “want to actually BE pregnant” instead of adoption. OK. Let’s just run with that.

She then does this repeatedly so that she ends up with a total of six children. Now, I’m not even going to comment on the fact that she is not with the father of the children (who has remained anonymous), and that she’s neither working nor living on her own – AND the fact that she has had her mother taking care of her children so that she can go back to school.

She decides that the SIX (we did previously mention that she had SIX) children she already had weren’t enough, and decides to have the remaining eggs she had previously frozen all implanted at the same time so as “not to have them go to waste” (these were her words, from her interview, btw).

The payment for such a procedure (which is, if not illegal, definitely frowned upon by the medical community for anyone under the age of 35) is quite large – and apparently was paid for by a medical settlement she received for being injured on the job. How she has been able to make the medical bill payments for both her prenatal care and the birth, not to mention post-natal care, I do not know – but I have a feeling she has been handed quite a bit of money just for the chance at being interviewed… And I’m not even going to mention the cost of a professional PR person, whom she has hired…

She says she has no plans on being a welfare mom, and I applaud her for that. At the same time, however, I am skeptical that she will be able to fulfill her role as a provider to her children without some sort of assistance. I struggle each day to make ends meet with ONE child, and with both myself and my husband working. I cannot imagine being mother to a total of FOURTEEN children and not having some sort of state or federal assistance – which is where my own personal disgust comes in.

I feel the same way about anyone who would be so irresponsible as to have additional children, after already having difficulties providing for the ones that they would have on their own. I don’t feel that one should get pregnant just for the free stuff, or for the notoriety, or the possibility of a TV show. There are too many children in the world now who need loving homes, who need stability in their lives, and have yet to find that because they are not being adopted, or even fostered into homes that could provide them that chance.

But, we have a woman who already had SIX children! SIX!! Did we mention that she already had SIX!!!! And decides that she needs more of them… Why? Because, according to her, she grew up as an only child and all she ever wanted were children because she was so lonely as a child (insert sniffle here). I cannot feel sorry for you or your sad childhood. Many others in the world had much worse, and did not choose to do this. If you cannot provide for your children on your own, without your mother providing FREE daycare, then you should not be having more children.

~M

Long time no post...

2009-02-11T09:27:00.002-08:00

So, it's been a while, I know. But there's been a good reason for it. Between work, migraines, panic attacks, and a birthday (my daughter's first), I've been too wrapped up in myself to write here at all.

Which is sad, because honestly, it's rather cathartic most times. I can get out what's going on and feel better about it once it's on paper. Unfortunately, I seem to have fallen victim to whatever ennui everyone else in the nation has succumbed to. The sad fact that as a couple, Fred and I make too much to qualify for EIC, which means no lump sum of cash for our taxes. That, and the state of the economy as a whole (not to mention our own personal sorry state), has just worn me down to a sore nub of a human, barely able to function from day to day.

Fred has fallen victim himself, having received his pink slip on his birthday (of all days!). This in turn forced us to let go of our beloved Jess, which saddened us greatly. We're still hoping that Fred gets back to work soon enough that we don't have to worry about getting her back. She and Logan have been so wonderful with Boo that I really hate to contemplate finding someone new...

The overall stress of all of this, along with the increased number of collection calls occuring on a daily basis is causing migraines and high amounts of indigestion. This is the first time I've had the hiccups for more than an hour, and on a daily basis at that. I'd say I needed a 2nd job, but I can't do it when I can't even make it in some days to my full-time job due to the stress. I know I need to suck it up and deal, but it's really difficult some days to just face the fact that the sun is coming up yet again.

~M

OMG... I'm going totally Librarian Poo!!!

2009-01-26T14:25:00.000-08:00

I have a plan, though… It’s a good plan… It requires some assistance getting it together, but I have one…

I need to get rid of stuff in the house. We have SO MUCH STUFF, and so little room… It’s impossible to deal with anymore. SO… I’m getting rid of stuff.

The more valuable and/or quality items I’ll take photos of and if you want it, let me know. I’ll ship it and/or hand it over to you. Otherwise, it’s all going to Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Some of the things which will be going will include:

Feast gear
Some cooking gear
Clothing
Camping gear
Baby toys
2 DVD players
Candle Holders

Like I said - if it doesn’t get taken away within a week of me packing it up, it heads out to Goodwill or Salvation Army… I’m sick of not being able to walk in my own house. I can’t clean, I can’t find anything, I can’t do anything… It’s all too much for me to deal with, especially with Boo now being so mobile.

~M

To everything turn, turn, turn

2009-01-20T11:48:00.001-08:00

All this month, I’ve heard that today marked a page in history. Technically speaking, every day marks a page in history – it simply depends on what level you wish to look at.

Even so, today’s inauguration does usher in a new era for the US. Never before in our history has there been a Black president (yes, I call him black – for me, African American means that they were born in Africa, moved to the US, and were naturalized. If you were born in America, you’re an American. It’s as simple as that). It shows both a change in thinking for the mass majority of voters, and possibly the start of a new age, which could promote better race relations within the US.

I have heard President Obama called a “Hollywood president” – all bling and no substance. I hope that this is not true. Whether you voted for him or not, he is now our president and deserves to have the benefit of the doubt for now, just as every new boss deserves a chance to prove themselves as a new leader in an established company.

Do not doubt that he has a difficult time ahead. Much of the country is buckling under huge debts, losing homes, jobs and dignity. 8 years of increasing difficulties will not go away within a few months, or even two years. There must be an understanding that regardless of how you feel or how you stand politically, it would be equally difficult for McCain to step into these shoes at this time, and just as long a time to try and unbury the US from its current economic state.

There are choices that need to be made now by every person. Either to reach out a hand and help out those who are in need, even if it is simply a meal to be given, or to ignore those around and let the issues get worse. Regardless of who is in office, we can look on today as the start of something new, something better – or we can continue to allow our country and those around us to flounder, throw blame around, and be generally unhelpful to our co-workers, neighbors, friends and families.

We should not need a reason to do this, but so much of the time, people need a date, a time, a symbol to look at and see that change is needed. Use today, use this inauguration, as your symbol to do something for others, and thereby help yourself.

Volunteer at a kitchen, bring lunch for the homeless man you pass by each day when you go to work, give time to the local boys and girls club, provide extra blankets to those in need. Do something, get active, and make a difference in your community, no matter how small; search Google for volunteer opportunities in your area, or use the following links:

Boys and Girls Club

Salvation Army

Goodwill

Hands on Portland

Portland Impact

Habitat for Humanity, Portland

Outside in

The Lizard is having a birthday!!!

2009-01-19T15:26:00.004-08:00

When: Feb 7th (the day after her birthday) Where: Our house (unless we find someplace better) Time: 1pm til whenever Boo gets overly stimulated and needs to collapse into a heap of exhausted baby!

Yes, it's been a YEAR already, and so much has changed! She's gone from being a formless tadpole inside me, to a glowworm (just after she was born), to an interested crawler, and now she's dancing, walking, talking and even has 7 teeth (not to mention her amazing flying feats with papa)!

This is a potluck, and no presents are necessary. We know everyone is broke, and honestly, Boo has plenty of stuff to play with, chew on, and generally enjoy. If you'd like to get anything at all, gift certificates are always appreciated to Target. Or socks... She seems to eat socks... LOL.

We're going to supply the cake. You supply the friends, family, and cameras for Boo to pose at (and yes, she's not the least bit camera-shy!).

Please let us know if you'll be there by the 30th of Jan, so I know how big of a cake to get.

**Update**

OK - I know that I said no presents, BUT... should you feel the overwhelming urge to get something, you might try here: One Step Ahead

It's the registry I'm currently building so that eventually I'll have what Boo still needs for camping, and socks! Lots of socks!

~M

Looking for Southards!

2009-01-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

I'm really wanting to find my father's family, if there are any on the web... If you are related to Robert Southard (from Port Townsend and Seattle Washington), please contact me. I am his youngest daughter, and am trying to reach everyone I can and set up a reunion within the next year or so...

Dealings with Drama...

2009-01-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

Dealing with drama has never been my strong suit. This last weekend was a perfect example of why I now know that I’ve grown up, and away, from those who are part of the “non-sanctioned” SCA crew.

Fred and I had been planning for months to head to Courtesan Carnival this last weekend. For those out of the loop, it’s a non-SCA-sanctioned get-together of people who like dressing up and acting the part of pirates and courtesans (and I mean the Hollywood-ized, over-the-top version of them).

In the past, it’s been a nice diversion and something to break up the monotony of the winter months between tourney seasons. Since it’s indoors, it was a great way to show off more fancy costume techniques than you’d normally get at an outdoor event (since most times you’re in the woods otherwise, and have brambles and tree sap to deal with). In addition, since it wasn’t filled with a lot of stuffy “pointy hats”, one felt that one’s hair could be let down and a bunch of debauchery would happen throughout the course of the weekend.

First thing that happens, I-5 gets flooded in Washington, so… our plan of having my mother coming to take care of Boo was foiled. We called around and got another person to take care of her for the weekend so I wouldn’t have to stay home while S and Fred went to the event.

After handing the new person phone numbers for 3 different people to call in case of urgent matters or confusion, or if any questions arose during Boo’s care, and making sure that it was clear what she could eat, etc, AND making sure that she understands what to do in case of emergency, etc, we all took off to the event.

I was more than a little nervous, as this was the first weekend we’d left Boo with someone for the whole weekend. I wasn’t sure whether the person taking care of her would be able to do it, but hoped that with three people to call on if she had questions, it would be ok. Fred re-assured me several times that things would be fine, and we unpacked and got everything set up.

I ended up forgetting my meds, which wasn’t as horrible as it sounded – I actually didn’t have too horrible of a reaction without them. The most that happened with that was that I felt really tired and overly sensitive to sound/light the first 36 hours.

I ended up going to bed early, and wended in and out of consciousness for most of the night as we were camped in a one-room lodge with 70 other people; most of whom were loud and hadn’t seen one another in about 5 or 6 months. So, it was inevitable that they would be loud and overly cheery. Fred stayed up most of the night socializing, and spent a small portion talking an acquaintance of his down from a bout of self-deprecation.

Saturday was much the same socialization, some alcohol during the day, a barroom brawl boffer fight, and as the day wound down, we had dinner, then had the fire show, the talent contest, the tall tales contest, and the two major contests: Best rump and best boobies.

Fred won the Best Arse contest, while I didn’t win either the boobies or the talent contest (this bummed me out quite a bit, but hey – at least I entered). After everything was done with, there was a lot more drinking and revelry, and then the drama started.

I’d gone to bed around midnight or 1 in the morning. Fred said he’d be up in a bit, and sat by the fire again talking the acquaintance out of another TWO bouts of self-deprecation… *sigh* By that time (about 3am), I woke back up and went downstairs in time to hear the person running the event sobbing in her bunk. I looked over and saw her husband (still VERY drunk) pound down the stairs and out the door.

We still don’t quite know what happened, other than he got upset for some reason, attacked a good friend of his for no reason, and headed out the door with his car keys, deciding to put a few good miles between him and the situation. Except that he’s drunk… And shouldn’t drive…

Fred immediately got sober, as did the acquaintance, and they and another two guys went out after the gentleman in question. Fred launched himself onto the front of the vehicle, effectively blocking the guy’s view of the road. The guy got back out and tried to pull Fred off the hood of the car, and at that point, the acquaintance tried to bring him down and put a sleeper hold on the guy so that the car keys could get taken away. It didn’t work, and the guy managed to scrape his way out of the hold and knock Fred in the nose with his elbow.

He then got back into the car and took off down the road, stopped long enough to allow one sober person into the vehicle to talk with for about 500 ft, then booted the sober person back out of the car and took off with two other people following him in their car.

Back at the lodge, Fred stayed up another two hours – til about 5 or 5:30am, and I went back to bed. We woke up around 10-ish, and started packing out, exhausted. The gentleman still hadn’t made it back, but we’d heard from the two others who followed him that he drove about 6 miles and then turned off and passed out in his car.

After leaving the site finally around 1pm, we headed home to find that the person who had been babysitting was apparently exhausted from Boo. She told me that Boo hadn’t slept her normal schedule, had refused to eat other than formula and juice until Sunday when eggs had been made, and had generally been a handful but she didn’t know why. After she left, I found that Boo’s food hadn’t been touched at all, none of her snacks had been opened, and from the look of the sink, the only food cooked that weekend had been the eggs.

In addition, due to the high consumption of juice and formula, she had a diaper rash from hell on her poor tushy; a bad enough one that skin was missing from spots. Also, apparently she’d had a diaper blow-out at one point. I only knew this because her onesie hadn’t been changed since the blow-out and there was diarrhea everywhere on the bottom of it.

I found out from the three people whose numbers that the babysitter had, and none of them had been contacted – at all. So, even though a normally healthy, hungry baby supposedly “refused” to eat for over 24 hours, and even though a normally fairly happy baby screamed incoherently for apparently no reason, and the babysitter *didn’t know why*, she still didn’t feel it was necessary to call for assistance of any kind…

I’m utterly horrified that my daughter was treated this way. There is absolutely NO excuse for it, and I honestly never want to deal with that woman ever again – not even as a friend or acquaintance of the family. I honestly thought she would have enough common sense to see beyond her own wants and needs and take the needs and wants of a small child, less than a year old, into account. But apparently that’s beyond her.

I was told by friends of mine that I should pursue legal action – I won’t, if only because – Boo wasn’t irreparably harmed in the incident. But I won’t deal with her anymore, and am going to let her know that she has completely lost my trust in the matter.

So, that’s the drama of the weekend. I’m done with both non-sanctioned events and dramatical pirates, and am done with someone who apparently couldn’t be bothered to actually care for my daughter, other than make sure that she didn’t kill herself.

*sigh* Sometimes it’s horrible to realize that you’re one of a handful people who can be recognized as an adult – and not just because of your chronological age.

~M

2009-01-08T10:32:00.003-08:00

Amusing things I have heard over the past few months as a switchboard operator, from people calling requesting different areas at my work (and the snarky responses I’ve WANTED to say, but have bravely restrained myself from uttering):

- I’d like the Adultery clinic REEEEAAAALLLLY….

- I need to speak with the veterinary center – my husband is an inpatient there. Hmmm. OK – what kind of dog is he?

- I’d like the hummer-tology clinic I have no response to this besides snickering. I can’t help it.

- Yeah, I need to speak with a dr. Any dr. I don’t care, just a dr… Yes, because all of our dr’s are totally cross-trained for every eventuality, so it won’t matter WHERE I put you to…

- I’d like the Rikki Lake clinic (note, we have an old clinic name that is a female’s name, but definitely NOT named after a talk-show host/actress) I beg your parden? I didn’t know she’d donated anything to us…

- Do you have dr’s there (yes, we still get this one)? Umb, no – we decided not to keep them on because the insurance was too costly – but we have people who play them on TV…

- Yeah, is the ER open (This was on both Thanksgiving AND Christmas)? Nope – we’re assuming no one is going to have an accident or get injured at all today, so the ER is not open at all – no one is here – this is just a recording…

- Is this [insert other, completely different company]? Certainly – I just gave you a completely different company greeting because I wanted to fool you.

- Yeah I’d like to speak with [insert common, generic name here]. You know him/her? Certainly, sir – we only have a few thousand employees here – I know each and every one of them by name, sight, and candy preference…

- (in response to the prior question’s obvious questioning probe and the statement that we have over 12 thousand employees here) No, I don’t know the last name! Don’t you know them (note, we have over 12 THOUSAND employees at my work…)? I know I _SAID_ that I knew them – I lied… I’m a habitual liar – in fact, I lied that we are so big… We only have about 12 people here at all to run this entire corporation…

- (in response to even further questioning probes to find out where said person might be) No, I don’t know where they are. They just told me to call you, and you’d get me to them! Ah! Oh, yes, THAT person! Of course! I know who that is now… I seem to remember getting a memo from someone that said if you were to call, we were to get you over to them… Riiiigggghhht.

- Yeah – I’d like to find out how to renew my driver’s license (our number is linked to the DMV only because of our ability to log the “donate life NW” information). Oh sure – never mind that I didn’t introduce myself as the DMV, and that the number for the DMV and at the bottom of your donate life nw brochure don’t match – I can help you with that… First, open a crackerjack box…

- Can you keep trying the (busy) number until they answer, and then call me back? Of course, because we have nothing better to do all day than to become your personal assistant. Would you like fries with that?

- I’d like the Eternal Medicine clinic… Somehow, I’m not sure how to respond to this… It sounds almost depressing… And expensive…

Pissing me off!!

2009-01-06T13:27:00.001-08:00

Please - if you have my cell phone #, do NOT send me forwards of "pray for this person", "send this text msg to 100 people and so-and-so will donate $", or anything else similar to it. I hate them, and they aren't true.

If you're stupid enough to think that it is, that's great, but don't include me in it. All you'll do is piss me off and force me to send back a caustic response asking you to knock it off or remove me from your phone list.

Please! If you read something like that and it sounds too good to be true, check it on Snopes before you forward it along. It's stupid to waste everyone's time with something that isn't true.

Disney isn't going to give away free tickets, you aren't going to get a free lunch from Applebee's, and the phone company isn't going to give even a half-penny to any charity just because you forward on an email or a text message. It's just not going to happen. Why? Because major corporations have better things to do than try and track text messages and emails every which way.

Give it up and quit bugging me.

~M

Disturbing news...

2008-12-30T13:40:00.002-08:00

So, I got the "new" schedule of benefits. Seems that there WERE some changes from when we were under BCBS... We didn't actually get a new booklet showing the differences, we were simply told that we wouldn't see a significant change.

Well, from what I remember, prenatal including the birth and hospital care was supposed to be an initial co-pay, and everything else covered. However, this is not the case for Aetna. We now have to pay 80% of everything. Additionally there are a few items on the list that I have no understanding of at all... Like "Family Plan Payment Limit" - is that the limit of what _I_ pay? Or is it the limit of what THEY pay... Does that mean that after I reach that point I have to pay the rest? I have no clue.

Also, under prenatal services, it says only "Payable in accordance with the type of expense incurred and the place where service is provided"... Huh?

Have I mentioned that I absolutely HATE legal-eze and the health care system? Ugh. I'm currently facing over $4000 in bills for having Boo... I can't tell whether it's only 20% of the total cost or not, and the sheer physical number of bills and statements that come in are staggering regarding this... I can't really make heads or tails of it - and to make matters worse, Boo was born in February - Aetna still hasn't settled their portion of the bill yet... It's insane.

I'm asking this of anyone who can - if you can donate to help out the bills, please do so... Even fifty cents will help...

~M

Starting the week off right...

2008-12-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

Conversation today with a social worker in psychiatry (I promised I wouldn’t give out her name – LOL):
SW: My pager is off – is it me that has to turn it on?
Me: Well, let’s take a look – No, your pager status is “in hospital, on page”.
SW: But the pager says “Pager off”… So, do I need to turn it on?
Me: Er, yes… You’d want to physically turn the pager on.
SW: How would I do that? I mean, I have no idea…
Me: Well, there should be a big button on the right front of the pager…
SW: Big… Button… Right… Side… You mean the one with the blue dash on it?
Me: Yep. Just hold that down and it should turn on.
SW: Wow… And they let me work here… Don’t tell anyone who this is, ok?

~M

Update...

2008-12-29T16:18:00.001-08:00

I updated my wish list here - please feel free to peruse them and, if you're feeling generous, give a tip at the jar to help us toward things...

~M

And a huge loot pile to you, too!

2008-12-25T21:49:00.003-08:00

This morning was the divesting of hours of wrapping time, days of worrying over what to buy, and evenings of anxiety worrying about whether the choice picked was the right one... All in all, I'd say that we all got a lot of what we wanted...

Fred's loot pile included a large bit from S, who got him watercolor pencils, a dremel, a foot spa treatment pack, Red Alert 3, and a DVD of Curious George, as well as a bar of Lindt dark chocolate with orange essence. I got him 3 new t-shirts with snarky sayings, and a new video game he's currently trying to beat - we're still waiting for the big gift, which is a 500 gb Seagate external hard drive/storage drive... It's been delayed due to the weather.

S's loot pile included a small carved dragon out of St Helen's ash, a russian birch box with some hair ties inside, 2 sets of watercolor paints with brushes, and a lavendar spa set from me (and the promise of a captain's coat soon), and a large knife and a small skinning blade, and a bellydance sword with placard to hang it on from Fred.

Boo's loot pile included a new skirt and sweater, a new dress, 3 Little People Pirate figurines, a bouncy ball, 2 books, a music maker toy, and a puppet monkey - oh, and a coconut and white chocolate Lindt bar.

My loot pile was the largest by far, I think... Fred ended up getting me a food saver vacuum sealer, 3 KitchenAid attachments, a 14" skillet, a puppet hedgie, 2 triangles for quilting, pins, and rotary blade replacements. S got me a 10 qt Black & Decker food processor, a beautiful black satin box with chinese lettering in red all over it, more pins, a seam ripper, some watercolors and brushes (yes, ironic, but still...), a very small stuffed moose, a "Tide-to-go" pen (because she understands me), and a dark chocolate with chili Lindt bar.

Us girls got a bellydance DVD from Fred as well, and the household got a nice gift of munchies and apple-cran Martinelli's from Jess.

All in all, an amazing day. Boo was so excited she was vibrating, and refused to go down for her second nap, afraid that she might miss yet another unwrapping of presents. LOL. We ended up having to put her down for bed early after a relaxing bath and a sing-song in her room.

Even the cat got a little something - a triple dose of catnip on his scratcher, and tons of lovin's.

Most of all, though, I got to spend Christmas warm, surrounded by those I love, and watching the snow melt away with warmer temperatures and rain. Yay me! I hope that you were able to have a similar experience, and I wish you all the Happiest of holidays.

~M

Happy whatever 2008

2008-12-24T16:47:00.001-08:00

I'm about done with having a white christmas... Whomever ordered the weather should be beaten, tied, and left naked in the middle of the Alaskan tundra - or Siberia...

The constant on-again, off-again snow has impeded my travels to and from work, and the roads are crazy slick. Unfortunately, Oregon doesn't apparently believe in snow plows in the lower regions, so none of the roads are cleared at all. The busses are barely running on my road, and we have to head to the nearest stop that's flat - which means it's about 3 blocks away from my house, rather than the 1 block that's normally taken. Not a HUGE deal normally, but in the snow/ice/slush that has built up on our road has made the walk particularly hazardous - between dodging slick patches with feet, and random cars deciding to kareen down the road at high speeds with no chains or other traction devices, it was an exciting morning...

After waiting for 25 minutes on the side of the road for the bus, and narrowly missing being hit by 2 cars sliding down and across the road (one doing a 45 degree spin and then straightening out and heading off again at yet faster pacing than before), the bus finally got to me and I got on. The rest of the ride was uneventful, but filled with me praying to the Gods that we make it safely into town.

We did so, and I managed to make it to work within a half hour of my clock-in time - which is great, considering I woke up this morning and it was snowing... again...

So far, work has been same-old, same-old... The calls were pretty hectic at the beginning, but calmed down mostly by around 10am. I'm staying an extra hour to help out, since we are having such limited coverage on the phones, and things are just going to get worse since tomorrow is Christmas. I'm hoping that no one calls out tomorrow - I could possibly be guilted into working a few hours if only because I didn't make it in Monday or Tuesday due to the weather... Then again, if it freezes over, I'm not going to risk my life to make it in. On the up-shot, management is buying us lunch, apparently. I'm getting a turkey club with extra mustard. Yum.

Currently, S is home with Fred doing the dishes, and Boo is watching avidly. Apparently dishes are fascinating. LOL. S apparently bought out several stores getting presents for everyone - Fred and I both feel guilty with the lack of presents, but she looked at both of us and laughed - her statement was "I like to shop! The problem is getting me to STOP shopping... LOL." That's ok, though... Fred and I are hatching a plan for Valentine's Day. Mwa ha ha!

Speaking of presents, Fred's present has not arrived yet. It was just shipped from the Chehalis office on the 23rd at 2:30am, which means that it might make it here by Saturday - if I'm lucky... I'm debating on printing out a color photo and wrapping it... Bwa ha ha.

Fred's been off work due to the winter weather this week, though they're wanting to have him try and come in Friday. This will work out since, while Jess, our fabu babysitter has unfortunately been stuck at her house due to (yet again) the weather (we did mention that the weather was bad, right?), S has Friday off. So, Fred and I will head to work, and S will stay with Boo for the day. Yay us! I'm totally hoping that everything melts down to a reasonable level by Sunday, so that Jess is able to make it to our house, and Fred and I are able to head out to work. It's amazing how much we are all reliant upon one another to make it through a day sometimes... LOL. I'm thankful that I have such wonderful people around me.

I have grave on call Saturday night - this could prove to be interesting... I'm hoping that everyone makes it in, because I'd rather not go in at all... *sigh* But, if I do, at least I'll have extra time on my paycheck.

Amusing comment made by Lil today: "I'm pretty certain I know how skiing was invented - two drunk Norse guys on top of a mountain in the cold north decide it would be a great idea to goad one another: "Hey, Ole! I bet you can't make it down this mountain here!" "Just you wait 'til I get these planks strapped to my feet, and then we'll see!"" I can so totally imagine this one...

In any case, I am just about ready to head out - only 45 minutes until I'm off work tonight, and then I don't have to be back in until Friday morning.

So, I hope that you all have the best of holidays, and that the New Year brings you such joy that you can only imagine. Most of all, may you and yours be safe, loved, warm, and happy.

Blessed be!

~M

I am amused...

2008-12-17T10:04:00.002-08:00

December 15, 2008, South Waterfront neighborhood, Portland, Oregon.

This was posted by a gentleman apparently living down by the new OHSU building on the south waterfront... "Looking from our condo we can see cars attempting, and most failing, to climb up a hill to get out of the neighborhood. I decided to put together a montage of sliding cars. Portland had a recent snowfall and we are expecting more tomorrow."

I especially like the soundtrack - really puts it into perspective.

~M

Snow day...

2008-12-14T20:17:00.003-08:00

The party last night was a success. We had friends and family over and had lots of food and fun. Ended up NOT going to the zoo for zoo lights, as Ms Cranky-pants decided not to sleep for most of the day, and only got a 2 hr nap out of all of it... So, she was shuffled off to bed around 7 or so, and that was the end of the discussion.

This morning, I woke up at 7, couldn't see outside (it was still VERY dark), and went back to sleep. Woke up around 9, and the first words out of my mouth were:

"Hmmm It's snowing..."

And it was. Snowed for the rest of the day, until around 4:30 or so this afternoon. The bad news, it cancelled our photo shoot with Steve. The good news, it gave us time to do all our laundry, as no one wanted to walk 150 ft to the laundry room to do anything. LOL. The following is what happens when you show Boo snow for the first time... Enjoy!

Getting ready for the Holiday Party Saturday...

2008-12-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

To do before Saturday Afternoon:

 Put away all necessary paperwork into office area
 Put away all D&D stuff
 Put away all extraneous toys and books to Boo’s room
 Put away all sewing items, fabric and machines into sewing area
 Put away all blankets and pillows
 Put away all clothes from front room, bathroom and hallway
 Fold and put away all towels
 Do dishes and clean kitchen
 Pull table out, and re-position baby gate
 Block the underside of the table against baby invasion
 Clean up dining room area
 Vacuum everywhere
 Put up tree
 Decorate
Things to do ON Saturday:
 Take out trash in all rooms, including Boo’s room and bathroom
 Take apart baby corral and put toy basket in Boo’s room
 Place baby corral against the entertainment center/bookshelf area, and brace
 Vacuum one more time

Whee!

~M

Lack of holiday spirit?

2008-12-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

Yes, indeed, Virginia, there is a lack of holiday spirit of late. Why? Well, with budget cuts and layoffs at my work (not to mention my management team telling us repeatedly that we aren't doing enough in our job, and we don't deserve kudos or anything else unless we can account for every second of our time and justify it), not to mention a lack of funds and general exhaustion, I'm hoarding my holiday spirit for my family only, thank-you-very-much.

I have determined that, while I used to like my job and took pride in it, I can no longer even pretend. I am here to simply pick up the paycheck anymore... I can't even feel the urge to take an overall stance of personal pride in my work because I know that no matter how much I do, and how much I give to my job, my management team will continually tell me that it's not enough, that I need to do more, and that they're not impressed with how little we all do.

The latest in the list of things that management has decided to take from us under the guise of yet more budget cuts. Inclemate weather is looming, and our call center, being "vital", had given us the option to have them pay for a cab, should we be unable to get to work any other way (i.e., busses not running and too dangerous to drive due to snow/ice). Last year we didn't use this option at all. We had no real inclemate weather to speak of, and while the weather people love to threaten us with snow, we normally have about a 7% chance of snow for the whole winter. I think, in the last 10 years that I've lived in the area, we've only had 2 years where we were "snowed in", and that was only for about 4 days tops.

So, with that said, the management team decided yesterday to announce that that unless it's pre-approved by our department manager, we simply won't have the option of having our cab paid for to get us in. This is something that she's been trying to have cut for a while - it's just handy that she has an excuse now. This is the same woman who has repeatedly told us over the past 6 months that we, quite simply, suck. We don't do enough work in the call center; we should be accounting for every minute of every day when we're at work, and we shouldn't be allowed to do anything else while we're at work because it's not good for her bottom line. We don't answer the calls fast enough, we don't send the pages quickly enough, we don't get the confirmations done well enough, and we don't handle the calls with enough diplomacy... She likened us to a car repair shop... If we were at a car repair shop, we'd want to know why we were paying for an hour's work, when we saw the worker on the phone for a good half hour, and not working on the vehicle...

*sigh* I'm sorry, but I don't think she's done our job ever - and if she has, it was over 10 years ago, which means that she's forgotton what it's like to be here on the front lines. We deal with everyone - from cranky doctors to pissed off patients - we get them all. And we don't scream back, and we don't give them lip. We thank them for their call, we offer them what we can, and we get the request processed to the best of our abilities. And instead of concentrating on an equal part of what good we've done, we get a nonstop diet of 100% "you're bad and therefore must be treated like a 3-year-old" from her.

I've just pretty much had it with management's attitude. They don't know what it's like being on the front lines day in and day out. Some of them claim to have worked at this call center - and if they did, it's been so long, and they've been so far away from us for so long, that it's no longer real to them. They've forgotten what it's like and, even if they did remember, they apparently no longer care. I've been at different call centers throughout my 11 years as a call center rep... At least the prior ones didn't tell us on one hand that we were "vital" and then tell us that we were doing a crappy job regardless of what we actually WERE doing...

Weekend of turmoil...

2008-12-02T15:01:00.003-08:00

This last weekend was full of turmoil, but not from my family, oddly enough. No, instead, it was the baby that was surly and full of hate - at least, when it came to sleeping.

She didn't like the drive up, didn't like sleeping in the same room with mommy and daddy, didn't like sleeping in a different place altogether, and absolutely HATED the dogs. Poor thing kept getting licked by them (the 3 labs LOVE babies, and will nuzzle them whenever possible) and she'd shriek and howl in indignation at the audacity of being touched by them.

Saturday was the family portrait, which wouldn't have been so bad but for the extra hour wait and the crappy photographer. Apparently, JCPennys now does all their booking through their corporate office, and corporate sets it up for every half hour. The photography area can't get most of the photos done in that short of time, but won't tell corporate. And the photographer was so hot that she was throwing up every hour or so...

When my sister went back to view the photos, there were none of the holiday background that ended up working, and only about 6 out of the 20 or so that were taken that were any good at all... I'm going to see about having Steve do photos for us. He's been wanting to get us in again and work with Boo some more, anyway, so it should be a lot more fruitful than the ones that were done prior.

Sunday found us up and ready to head back down by 11am, and we got home by 2:30 or so, where I collapsed with a migraine after putting the baby in for a "real" nap, as she hadn't really gotten any sleep at all over the weekend.

On the plus side, I got a body massage from S and Fred, and puddled for a while, then went out and picked up diapers for Boo (she's now in a size 4!).

As of today, I'm officially FUBAR'd as far as cash goes. We are $250 short for rent, so I'll have to write the check, the bank will cover it, and then I'll have to fork over the extra bounced check fee along with the missing cash when I get paid on the 12th. I'm so over doing this. From now on, all the extra cash is going to the BofA account, and I'm not going to do this ever again. Dammit. I'm so done with my stupidity.

~M

Aftermath of a sleep study...

2008-11-26T07:27:00.003-08:00

Last night was the sleep study. Thankfully, Fred got a bedwarmer last night, so at least one of us got sleep... Me? I got a hairful of pommade and electrodes stuck every which way on my head, face, chest and legs... And pretty much no sleep at all.

I'm falling somewhere between stage 3 and stage 4...

And I'm pretty sure I'm going to be running at about this speed all day... Yippee me!

Thank the ever-loving Lord and Lady for caffeine.

~M

Because I had to...

2008-11-17T17:10:00.001-08:00

Starting to get better...

2008-11-11T11:40:00.002-08:00

So, I got the test results back for my thyroid - it's down to 2.9, so finally within the range it should be.

I've also had my other meds increased a bit, and that's been helping as well. I'm not feeling quite as tired and listless as I had been, and am actually beginning to start to do things around the house again. Which is nice. Means that I might actually get stuff done around the house prior to the family dinner...

Speaking of which...

ANNUAL FAMILY HOLIDAY DINNER!
When: 12-13-08
Where: The Wilcox Residence
Time: around 4-ish, to whenever
BYOB! - we will have some sparkling cider for toasting

This is a pot-luck dinner, with us providing the main meat dishes of Lamb and chicken. Please bring 1 dish that will feed about 8 people.

Please RSVP to me to let me know if you'll be joining us, so I can make sure to get enough meat. :-)

~M

And we're done...

2008-11-05T14:51:00.002-08:00

For another 4 years. Sort of.

At least, for the presidential campaign. Our neck of the woods is still counting votes for the state elections. We probably won't know the final outcome until later on tonight for most of it.

Either way you voted, you have to admit that this has been an interesting campaign, and a monumental one, besides. The only terror that I have at this point was listening to two people in the last two weeks talk about their views on voting in one way or another.

The first one I listened to was a gal who was my friend Ronni's roommate. She apparently likes to read out loud, regardless of the actual content of what's on the paper she's reading... Her non-stop commentary was about as follows...

"Gee... Hmmmm... Oh, hey! There's a woman running. Did you know there's a woman running? I'm voting for her, then!"

"Um... both of these names sound russian. Don't they sound russian to you? But I can't tell about the third one. What? It's possibly Serbian? Or Polish? Oh. Well, I'll vote for one of the russians then, I guess."

"I don't get what this measure is all about. What do they mean? Hmm? Oh, I know the booklet is on the table over there, but I'm just going to vote randomly on these ones. Why don't they make this more clear?"

It really REALLY made me shudder to think that she was actually allowed a vote, considering she wasn't really even interested in what was going on, nor interested in learning...

The other was the gal I ran into last night on the bus on the way home, who apparently runs her life by the old testament scriptures...

"Well, my belief is that you have to learn how to govern your own person first, and Man should not create a system of justice against itself without that learning - it's up to God to do that. That's why I don't vote."

I see. Never mind that without some sort of government system, imperfect or not, made by man or not, you have absolute chaos, and you won't have ANYTHING at ALL. I mean, honestly... Let's see here - we aren't perfect, and our system certainly isn't - but it's the best we can do for now, until we can figure out how to get around that pesky human nature thing. We can choose to do the best we can with what we've got, and work within those confines, understanding that, even as an imperfect system, we are allowing each person the chance to make a difference within the world by creating, adjusting, and generally managing said system.

She didn't like it when I pointed that out to her.

Honestly, let's really think about this here - no, I don't believe that the Electoral College is a good thing. It's old, it's outdated, and with the technology that we have today, it should go the way of the Do-Do and be ousted out. One person, one vote. That's what we advocate, right? That's what people from all walks of life and all countries come here for, right? True democracy... So, let's have some.

Do I think that my vote counted... I can't tell, unfortunately. Because the Electoral College is what matters at this point, it's what made the final decision. It is possible that a president could lose the popular vote, but win the EC vote. That, to me isn't right. But, there it is. The system isn't perfect, but it's there. None-the-less, I vote. Why? Because it's my right to do so, and without voting, I don't have the right to bitch about how the country is run. I do my part, and cast my vote as part of the system to help direct my country. If you don't vote (regardless of which side you vote for), don't bitch. You didn't do your part.

~M

Who am I...

2008-11-04T09:52:00.001-08:00

Your result for The Which Wife of Henry VIII Are You Test...

You are Jane Seymour!

Third wife of Henry VIII

You are a beauty to behold and the only one of the kings wifes to do your duty - provide a proper male heir. And your quietness is often mistaken for stupidness! But in all reality you are quite moral and quite smart. You would of been a great queen if you had lasted longer than 17 days after the birth of your son. You had everything that was considered proper in a lady - you cleaned, you sewed, you sang (although people hated it when you did), and you played the flute. The only thing that you could have done to better yourself was be educated. If you would have survived it is likely that the king would not have had to remarry, you giving him a son would of made you the apple of his eye. But it is okay. You will forever be known as the one who provided what England needed. Your marriage lasted a little over 11 months.

Take The Which Wife of Henry VIII Are You Test at HelloQuizzy

Self-Destructive Tendencies...

2008-11-03T09:55:00.004-08:00

I know, from a psychological point of view (yes, I minored in it for 3 years...) that everyone has some degree of self-destructive tendancy. This is accepted, but normally not entertained on a wide scale by most people.

I don't mind people having these tendencies. I have them myself, and occasionally feel the need to bring them out, play with them quietly in a corner, and then put them back in their little box for another year or so. It's not a problem, honestly, as long as my self-destructive tendencies do NOT directly impact others over a lengthy period of time (like, longer than an hour or so), and they don't cause significant amounts of drama repeatedly to those around me.

Sometimes, some people just don't know when they are moving from venting to drama... Case in point, this last weekend. A friend of ours came to spend the weekend with us because of issues with her roommates. Suffice to say, the relationship she's had with them has ended, and now she is feeling very cut off, isolated, and rather uncomfortable in her own home. This is all understandable. When anything like that happens and it's a non-amecable break-up, it tends to make things very uncomfortable.

So, she asked if she could spend the weekend with us to get away and relax for a bit. This was fine. She also asked if she could bring over alcohol. This also was fine, as far as I was concerned. Not really cluing into anything, and having it not occur that something bad could happen with it, I didn't say anything about it, other than mentioning that I wouldn't mind having a tipple of something sweet myself.

So, she arrives at our house whilst Fred is out and about with Boo, bringing with her 5 bottles of alcohol - 4 of them 30 proof, and one bottle of 151... Friday night we decide we aren't going to do much - Saturday is going to be a big day for most of us, and while it's been a long week, we're too tired to actually enjoy any "real" drinking - so we put it off for Saturday. I promise to teach both S and our guest how to play tablero, and we go to bed.

SaturDAY was fine - our guest declined to join us for the quilter's volunteer circle at the hospital, so we headed out, picked up Rikki on the way and had a great time sewing, then wending through a local fabric shop, and then to lunch and home (picked up ribs for dinner, too).

That evening, however, was a different matter entirely.

Again, venting is perfectly natural, and acceptable. I have no issues with it. HOWEVER - you do not... NOT... mix venting in with alcohol - especially when you happen to be our guest, apparently. I taught her how to play tablero, and we went through a standard-sized bottle of mead together with it. I fwas feeling nice and tipsy, warm and pleasant, but not overly out-of-control. I was enjoying the feeling, and felt that, should the need arise, I would be perfectly happy to either sober up or go to sleep with no issues whatsoever.

Our guest, however, decided instead to start straight-shooting 151, with diet pepsi shooters. I didn't even WANT to see her blood sugar levels at that point (oh, did we not mention that she's an insulin-dependent diabetic?) After she'd had about 8 shots, she suddenly turned white and headed off to the bathroom just in time to throw up... By then it was around 9pm or so... This was the beginning of the major downslide to the evening.

She proceeded to continue to get more and more sick, punctuated by bouts of self-pitying soliloquies about how horrible she was, and how she didn't deserve anything that anyone might give her at all... ever...

By 1am, she was still drunk, and I'd gone to bed. Or at least, I'd attempted to go to bed. Instead, while Fred and S attempted to deal with her puking on herself, the blankets, the floor and the couch, I had to get up and calm down Boo because she was getting so upset and hyped up on what was going on.

Finally got Boo to go to sleep around 2-ish, when they plopped our guest into the tub to wash her off. We finally got to sleep around 3:30 or 4-ish Sunday morning.

Boo woke us up at 7:30, convinced that we all had to be up at that point. I felt NO remorse for bringing a very rambunctious and happily loud baby out to the front room to play. Mwa ha ha.

New rules in the house from this point forward:

If you want to bring alcohol to the house, that's fine.
You are only allowed 1 bottle, of 1 liter or less.
Said bottle cannot be more than 80 proof.
No self-destructive stuff around the baby. EVER.

This was NOT a good saturday.

Halloween Photos

2008-11-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

This is Halloween...

2008-10-27T14:54:00.002-07:00

Or at least, fairly close to it. I'll have pics of Boo at my work once she gets here Friday. Should be a lot of fun... Fred will be bringing her to my work for lunch, where I can show her off and let people fawn all over her. Which she loves.

This last week has been rather harsh for our poor Boo. She had 4 teeth decide to come through pretty much all at once. Three of them are completely broken through, but there's one more that's pushing on a particularly sensitive nerve. She was up all day yesterday (got about an hour or so of a nap, though we tried several times to put her down for one), and finally crashed aroun 7:30 or so last night (we put her in her crib at 6:45 - she was so tired she had bright red eyes, was rubbing them every 3 minutes, but still refused to go to sleep until I got her a dose of children's pain med and some orajel)...

On the up-shot, she slept better last night - woke up for a quick change and new bottle at 11:30, and for about 3 minutes at 4:30, whereupon she found a bottle all on her own and decided she didn't want mama, just the bottle - and went back to sleep. Yay me.

I'm working on final touches to my costume, a German Ren dress. I'll post pics of that, too. I have 1 chemise - the itchy one - that will work for it, so I'm hoping that at some point prior to the new year, I will be able to make another 2-3 of them that will work for everything. One can hope.

Steve is wanting us in for more pro pics... Going to have to find time to do that soon.

~M

Over the Weekend...

2008-10-21T15:10:00.003-07:00

Fred, Ronnie and Boo went to the Harvest Festival at the TV Parks and Recreation center where we normally go for belly dance lessons. I would have gone, but for this little fella here:

who decided to make an entrance Saturday evening, after having his mama checked into the hospital at 6 in the morning... Actually, technically speaking, Mama was in hard labor for a good 36 hours prior to Hayden Riley Anderson showing up. And a stubborn boy, too, since he ended up being taken by c-section (head was just a wee bit too big). So, he was born at 9:30pm, weighed exactly at 9 lb, and has feet almost 4 inches long at birth!

As I was mama's birthing coach, I was there for most all of it, except the last 1/2 hour, when she was wheeled into the OR for the c-section and I went home and checked on her the next day.

Welcome to the world, baby boy! You'll soon be terrorizing everyone. :-)

All I want for Christmas...

2008-10-15T09:52:00.002-07:00

Well, ok - it's not ALL I want for christmas, but it would make for a great start. LOL...

There's a great synopsis at Powells about the book. I caught a few pages while riding on the bus a few days ago, and have been fascinated about it since... Go figure.

So, there you go - if you can get a hold of a copy, I'd like one.

That is all...

Getting ready for Halloween...

2008-10-14T12:50:00.003-07:00

This year being Boo's first Halloween, we had contemplated several different costumes for her. I'd thought perhaps a ladybug, or maybe a little fairy - but Fred had the best idea: to be her accessory as a pirate, and turn her into a Scarlet Macaw:

We also made a hood for her, so that she would be warm that evening, since it's notoriously cool in late October... Daddy put it on, but it was a little more form-fitting than the costume:

Totally adorable!

~M

Quilting taken to new heights...

2008-10-09T12:03:00.003-07:00

Compassionate Quilters is a volunteer group that makes lap quilts for the OHSU Palliative Care Program. Four times a year they gather on campus and create beautiful quilts for patients and their families, to assist them with the end-of-life transition. Quilts are also available for patients with difficult, chronic illnesses or challenging medical conditions.

To sustain its efforts, the group needs more help. Not strong at sewing? If you want to learn or improve, this could be the ticket. Help is also needed with ironing fabric, cutting pieces, and tying quilts.

Next time you clean out closets and shelves, keep in mind that Compassionate Quilters also needs donations of 100% cotton fabric and lightweight batting, size 50" x 38". Bring such finds to Laura Topp, OHSU Hospital, Unit 10A, Rm 10A93.

The next compassionate Quilters meeting is Saturday, November 1st, from 9am to 4pm, at OHSU Hospital, 14B20. Drop in anytime, and stay as long as you like. For more information, please contact Paula Huelskamp, at 503 494 8311 (ask for her).

OHSU is located on top of Marquam Hill, in Portland Oregon. Their address is:

3181 SW Sam Jackson Park Rd
Portland, OR 9739

If you would like to send contributions ot the Compassionate Quilters, add Laura Topp's mailcode, which is UHS8EO, to the address, just under the street address line.

Thanks!

~M

An update, and new pics of Boo

2008-10-07T16:01:00.002-07:00

Got a care package from my sister and my mother last night – apparently they tried to drop it off Saturday while we were at the Greek Festival (no one was there to take it), so they tried again on Monday, and thankfully J, our fearless babysitter was there to take it. LOL. Tried to put some pink cowgirl boot slippers on Boo, and she wanted none of it, thankyouverymuch – she’s not much on footgear right now, though I think I’m going to have to put her in shoes soon, if only to get her to move toward walking – keeps curling toes to try and hold on, and it just un-balances her more. So, if I get a pair of shoes on her that stay on, she should be going no problem. She is currently taking 1-4 steps at a time while holding onto something, then heading back down onto hands and knees and going like gangbusters after the cat. Poor cat. He isn’t sure what to make of this new-and-improved, mobile “kitten”. Most times he’s able to skitter away, but there have been a few times where he’s not quite fast enough. He bats at her gently (no claws) when she gets too intrusive, and she normally will simply go a different direction. She’s imitating him, now, which also confuses him. LOL.

She is still having night terrors some nights, and others it’s fine. Have no clue, other than perhaps she’s so overly stimulated that her brain refuses to shut off and the dreams are very real – difficult to deal with at her age because she can’t do anything but howl and scream without explanation. Was up until almost 9 last night trying desperately to keep awake and not go back to sleep… Finally conked out and didn’t wake up until 5:45 this morning, soaking wet and grinning. She’s so perky and happy in the morning, it’s disgusting. Changed, fed, and popped back into her crib with a “ok, let mommy go back to sleep for a little while – you be quiet and play”, and she did. She is amazingly smart, I have to say. Kind of a blessing, and at the same time, kind of a curse. LOL.

Have found recently that she likes greek food. *chuckle* We went to the festival, and she was insisting that I give her whatever I was eating. So, I popped a bit of pita bread into her mouth, and she munched on that… then she wanted some more, and more, and more… I ended up giving her small bites of pita, a little bit of ground lamb, and a little bit of chewed up chicken, whatever I was eating, basically. She was in her sling and attached to my front, so it looked like I had a little baby bird on my front. Whenever the hand went anywhere near her face, she’d open her mouth “Ahhh!” and beg for food. VERY funny. Pita has become the new go-to snack food for her. Good for her gums to work against without being horribly hard, very saliva-soluble, and good for her to boot. Can’t beat it. And she can feed herself – mostly… She’s getting the pincer down, which is awesome.

Found out last night that she likes broccoli, too. Had broccoli, carrots and cheese combo, and she mowed down on that for a good 15 minutes. Definitely loves her veggies.

The latest and all that...

2008-09-22T14:53:00.001-07:00

So, the test results came back from the 10 (yes TEN) vials of blood that were taken from me on Thursday, and the 24 hr urine collection.

Overall, I'm not in BAD shape, but I'm definitely on the way there. My B12 is low, as is my vitamin D, E, and calcium. So, it's going to be counter-acted with lots and LOTS of supplements, and hopefully in a few weeks I'll be feeling better.

I'm going to be getting a liquid B12 supplement, as well as a once-per-week 50K dose of Vitamin D, a once-per-day dose of Vitamin E, and a calcium with vitamin D daily supplement.

I'm really hoping that, with the increased B12 and D/E vitamins in my system, I'll finally start to feel better, and less like the walking dead.

On the much cooler side, Boo is standing on her own now, for about 10-12 seconds at a time. Since she's now figured out she can do it on her own, she wants nothing to do with anyone "helping" her stand. She'll do it herself, thankyouverymuch... She hasn't moved to the actual walking stage, but I'm figuring in another week or so, she'll be off and running.

Yesterday she had her first "official" run in the baby bucket(tm) swings at the park... LOVES them, and wants to go again and again. Not so sure on the slides, but loves the swings. Giggled through the whole experience, and wanted more - Fred video-taped the whole thing with his camera phone. Slept through from around 6:30pm to 4:30am this morning. Tuckered right out.

I'm starting bellydance lessons again as of this Thursday. I'm so excited! It'll be nice to be able to boogie down and actually get good again - too much belly, not enough dance!

The stitch-and-bitches have been going pretty well so far. Taught how to do a simple chemise yesterday, and both S and Ronnie made their own. I walked them through patterning and cutting it out, and as it got further in, I let them go further on their own until they finished it on their own. Really nifty. We have plans already for the next dress, a viking under-dress, also known as a 10-gore-dress. All the rage at your local Allthyng. If anyone wants a copy of the patterns, I'll post up information on them under the "projects" part of my Myspace info.

~M

My personal opinion on the whole thing...

2008-09-15T16:27:00.001-07:00

A long time ago, I learned that discussing politics and religion in the office were definitive no-noes. I started my blog with that same general rule. It's just not something I normally blog about unless I can lock the entry. My personal beliefs are just that - personal. You don't necessarily have to agree with me, and I don't have to agree with you, and that's ok. What's not ok is attacking someone when their beliefs don't lie on the same side of the line as yours.

I don't see a spirited debate, where each side has valid, clear points as attacking. That's debating, and my husband and I do that all the time (we love playing devil's advocate, with the understanding that it really is just playing, and is not anything personal). However, when it starts to go downhill into name-calling, mud-slinging and general nastiness, that's when it is attacking - and that's not right. Each individual has the right to have their own opinion, no matter what it is. It could be that they feel that penguins really *do* enjoy having their feathers dyed purple and spiked... Whatever. I don't care. It's your opinion on a subject, and that's ok. As long as you're ok with me not necessarily agreeing with it (personally, unless one can translate what a penguin is squawking about, it's probably just not a good idea to dye feathers or spike them).

Granted, political and religious opinions drive a LITTLE more emotion than the example above. Why? Because, deep-down, we feel much more passionate about it. Religiously speaking, it's my beliefs that are telling me what is right and wrong, and how best to go about proving that to others. Politically speaking, it's those who would support my beliefs that I will support - because without the political clout, my beliefs might lose their ground and get dug under by those who don't want my beliefs to see the light of day.

Politically- and religiously-speaking, however, things are not black and white (no pun intended regarding the current presidential race). They are, in fact, several (hundred) shades of gray. Humans just aren't simple. Our lives aren't simple, our beliefs aren't simple, and so our politics are not going to be simple - no matter how much we hope and/or pray for it.

So far, I've seen a lot of smear campaigning going on - and oddly enough, it's (mostly) NOT directly from the campaign headquarters of the opposing forces. Instead there's LOTS of nasty statements going back and forth from constituants about how one side should be doing one thing, and the other should be doing this and that, and because they aren't doing it, they're obviously either "Anti-American", or "Anti-Global"...

"Anti-War" means that the person doesn't appreciate what our country has gone through to get to where we are now, and what we're doing to help those nations across the globe... "Pro-War" means we're using our huge political and military might to bully those outside the US into a democratic government, forcing those same countries to put aside thousands of years of their own history to suddenly change gears and follow us, because we're at the forefront of national perfection.

If you're a Republican, you're expected to support the war, be pro-life, possibly even move toward faith healing (if you support Palin), teach and support total abstinance without the benefit of any sex education (because that would be bad), support higher taxes for private citizens but support tax loops for high profile companies and rich folk.

If you're a Democrat, you're expected to be against the war, be pro-choice, possibly move toward herbal healing (even possibly some alternative religions thrown in for good measure), teach all kinds of sex education and support gay rights (because being anything but would be bad), support low (if any) taxes, and boo down large corporations, demanding that they and the rich folk give a large cut of their wealth to the little people because everyone deserves a cut.

Unfortunately, it seems that those of us who realize that the world is not only round, but made of about ten BILLION shades of gray (one for every 20 people or so), are left out in the cold. We aren't exactly Republican, but we aren't exactly Democrat. We don't ride the fence on ANY of our beliefs - it's just that our beliefs tend to go 50% on one side, and 50% on the other (ok, so some people are more on one side than the other, but there you are).

My own personal beliefs? Well, I'll tell you only this once. I am not interested in being personally attacked, and I don't feel the need to support my own beliefs because you think yours are better.

I believe that our troups are in a war that they have no choice but to be in. They have signed up voluntarily, given an oath to follow through with all orders given by their superior officers, and have given up their own freedom because they felt it necessary to do so. I did not support the war when we went over there while Saddam was in power the first time. I did not support the war when we went over again. Both times, however, I understood that our troups had no choice in the matter, and both times I hoped and prayed to any diety that would listen, to bring them home safe to their families.

I believe that, regardless of what (and why) we went over there for in the first place, we don't belong there now. Why? Because their government has asked us to leave. We were requested to be there, now we have been requested to leave. End of story. Very few things can be simplified, but this point can be. We have been requested to leave - their government feels they are now able to take care of things themselves. We should respect their wishes and leave, whether we feel it's the right thing or not.

I believe that we are not the watchdogs of the world, we are not the police force of the world. Honestly, until we get paid back the money that we're owed from France, Germany, Isreal and any other country out there who owes us money from when we lent it to them YEARS ago - with interest - we don't need to be running to save anyone. Our countries deficit is badly in need of that money. We are no longer able to look within our country to make that deficit go away. It must come from outside - and if the United Nations wants us to be the world protectors and/or police force, we should get paid for it - just like every other police force gets paid.

I believe that each family should be responsible for their own reproductive beliefs. That being said - I also believe that each child should get sex education, and be told the truth about how their bodies work. I believe that abstinance should be included and stated to always be the best alternative - but I know, having been a teen at one point in my life, that realistically speaking, sex will happen. Better that it happen safely.

I believe that it doesn't (and should NEVER) matter what sexual orientation someone is. I don't care about which sex you like - only if you can do the job that I request of you, or if you can pay your rent on time if I'm renting to you. Other than that, it doesn't matter to me.

I believe that each person has the right (NOT the privilage) to bear arms. And if they commit a serious crime, they forfeit that right. As part of that right, each person should be given proper and FULL instruction on gun safety and at least 12 weeks of practices, and should qualify for a license every few years, with a practicum exam to show that they still understand and practice good safety.

Same thing goes for driving. It's a right, not a privilage, and people should continually qualify for it - and if they commit a serious crime, they forfeit that right. A car, given the right circumstances, can be just as deadly as a gun - and people should respect that.

As for the have's vs the have not's - yeah, I think there should be a balance between them - there has been a widening gap between them, and we no longer have a "middle class" anymore. We have the working poor, the very poor, the very rich, and the uber-rich. My parents used to be middle class... Now, they'd be considered the working poor. And the separation between the working poor and the very rich is getting larger by the day.

As for how, well, that's another entry for another day. So, there it is. That's where I stand.

~M

New Pics of Boo!

2008-09-02T15:08:00.001-07:00

Again?!

2008-09-01T09:31:00.001-07:00

What!? They're cute! And addicting... LOL

Save the Dragons!!!

2008-08-29T15:49:00.003-07:00

Please click on each of my dragon's view page! They will die otherwise. I need lots of views from different computers to make sure they don't die - two of them only have about 2-3 hours left, and if they don't hatch, they will...

Please help!

~M

Save us!!!

New rule! Diaper covers at bedtime!!

2008-08-28T09:37:00.004-07:00

So, our little darling Boo has become an escape artist when it comes to her diapers. Apparently, she's not always willing to wake us up when her diaper gets dirty, so she's decided in the past few days to remove the offending item completely.

This would be fine but for two items. Item 1: The diaper in question last night was poopy. Item 2: The baby in question then slept for 2 hours with it, and sleep-crawls...

So, at 1:45 this morning Fred went in to feed and change her... And let out a "Holy Christ!"... I knew this couldn't be good, so I got out of bed to help, and found him vigorously scrubbing her down with baby wipes.

"She's covered in dried crap! Dammit! Looks like she's been out of her diaper a good 2 hours."

I looked in her crib and found the offending item, squished flat by a rambunctious baby butt and looking rather forlorne in the midst of the crib. It was in the middle of an ocean of pee, which had apparently been provided post-removal...

"Right," I said. "I'll take care of the crib, you take care of the baby."

"Grunt," came the non-committal reply, along with several epithets as he attempted to hold a now-happy, wiggly baby (munching on her bottle while kicking legs in apparent appreciation for all of daddy's hard work) in place whilst still scrubbing her down. There was some muttering of hoses at one point...

I got the crib stripped of sopping bedclothes, and after removing sodden blankies, sheets and mattress pads, had the crib re-made with a new sheet and blankets.

Fred went to lay her down and I stopped him mid-lay: "No - new rule... Diaper cover before we lay her down to sleep."

"It won't stop her," Fred said, sleepy disguist and annoyance in his voice.

"No - but it will slow her down enough to let us get there first - I hope..."

A tired nod of acceptance, and I trundled her into a diaper cover.

We turned on her turtle (it's a music box with a light show and wiggly, dancing fishes in the belly), laid her down, turned off the light, and laid back in bed with a thankful sigh that at least she hadn't found out about finger painting...

~M

Day 3 of the crankypants march...

2008-08-27T15:03:00.002-07:00

So, Boo (aka Crankypants), is working on day 3 without a nap. Oh - I beg your pardon... She had a 20 minute nap on Monday just prior to me coming home, and a 20 minute nap yesterday...

On top of this, she has a cold, is teething in her 2nd tooth, and still isn't sleeping through the night... Apparently, the combination of the teething, the cold, and the new babysitter has caused her to convince herself that she doesn't *need* a nap - and won't take one... And Jess is very soft-hearted. Boo cries and she will pick her up to snuggle her - which is fine with Boo, but does mean that Jess leaves looking like she was pulled through a knot-hole backwards by the end of the day. Poor girl.

I finally had to tell her that if Boo wasn't hungry, and wasn't dirty, then it was ok to let her cry for a while in her crib while Jess took a break. It wasn't going to hurt Boo at all... She said she was going to put her in her crib and try a nap again about 20 mins ago... We'll see how that goes.

On to other updates...

Meanwhile, my dragons need daily clickings... So, if you're visiting on a daily basis, please click on my eggs and baby dragon to help them grow up. Yay for baby dragons!

My thyroid thing is apparently doing better. I'm still tired, but not quite so exhausted, so apparently my iron level is better. My thyroid count is down from where we started, so that's good too. My dr is going to continue to watch it and I'll be tested again in 3 months to see where we are. If it doesn't move from where it is currently, she'll up the doseage.

My computer died a horrible death this last weekend... The processor fan had rattled it's last breath about a month ago, and I (in my obliviousness) hadn't noticed... The processor itself is completely fried, so I now have to look into getting another computer. We'll pull what guts we can save from mine, and get rid of the rest of it. It's yet another expense that I wasn't expecting. I'd say that I was underwhelmed with the prospect, but that would imply that somehow, I'd been whelmed in the first place. *sigh* On the other hand, there's a possibility that I get to have a larger hard drive, so there's that...

Haven't heard back on the job over in the other office. I'd really like to get it, but so far it's been silent. I'm not sure how I feel about that, other than desperate to get out of the call center. I've gotten tired of this office's type of politics and cliques. I'm so done with kindergarten drama...

I'm trying to get into bellydance classes again... Again, an expense that I could most likely do without - but on the other hand, it's not as though I'm splurging on that hot lamborghini or the 4-story house in Malibu. So, I suppose one splurge isn't bad - besides, I can justify it by saying it's exersize, which will help me... LOL.

Other than that, not much is going on in my life...

~M

Here there be Dragonses... hopefully...

2008-08-22T10:15:00.004-07:00

http://dragcave.net/incubators/incubator_merripan.png

Click on them! Click them, darn it! You know you want to! Actually, in order for them to hatch, you need to click on them. The more you click, the healthier they are, and the better chance they have of hatching.

~M

Scattergories meme

2008-08-20T14:57:00.002-07:00

It's harder than it looks! Copy and paste into a new email. When you are done, send it on, including to the person who sent it to you. RULES: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Before you answer them, add 1 question to the list, then answer them all.

Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CANNOT use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Your name? Merripan

4 letter word: More
Vehicle: Mustang
TV Show: Meerkat Manor
City: Mukilteo
Boy Name: Mark
Girl Name: Maria
Drink: Margarita
Occupation: Mandoline Player
Song: Morphine
Something you wear: Mask
Food: Melon
Something found in a bathroom: Massager
country: Madegascar

Update on my brother...

2008-08-20T13:14:00.002-07:00

So, Friday afternoon the doctors put in a tube to clear out the blood and fluid in my brother's left lung. 650l later, he was cleared of all fluids in that area, and the tube was left in over the weekend to make sure everything was functioning properly. X-Rays were taken twice per day to make sure nothing shifted, and he was kept relatively sedated through the weekend.

Monday they removed the tube, stitched up the openings, and let him rest without poking and prodding him. The nurse reported he was in fairly good spirits, but resting practically constantly - which I don't blame him for.

Mom reported Tuesday that they had discharged him to a friend's house, where he is to rest for the next 3-4 weeks with an upper chest brace. After that, they'll re-evaluate him for physical therapy and rehab, to get him back up on his feet properly. Nothing physical prior to that, as there are floater chips from his spine that have yet to be re-attached, and 9 ribs that need healed.

So, the upshot is that he's out of the hospital and doing much better, and for that I'm profoundly thankful.

~M

Obession - it's not just a smell...

2008-08-14T14:26:00.002-07:00

OK - so I now have an obsession that is a little too close to bordering on insanity - but I can't help it. They're so cute!

~M

Me-Me... One Word...

2008-08-14T11:19:00.002-07:00

Only one word
_____ TYPE ONLY 1 WORD. IT'S HARDER THEN YOU THINK!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Fred
3. Your hair? Red
4. Your mother? Washington
5. Your father? Passed
6. Your favorite thing? Baby
7. Your dream last night? ??
8. Your favorite drink? butterschnapps
9. Your dream/goal? book
10. The room you're in? cube
11. Your fear? drowning
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? married
13. Where were you last night? In bed
14. What you're not? skinny
15. Muffins? raspberry
16. One of your wish list items? farberware
17. Where you grew up ? seattle
18. The last thing you did? breathed
19. What are you wearing? clothing
20. Your TV? large
21. Your pet? cat
22. Your computer? on
23.Your life? good
24. Your mood? ok
25. Missing someone? Dad
26. Your car? Tri-met
27. Something you're not wearing? necklace
28. Favorite Store? fabric
29. Your summer? 1974
30. Your favorite color? blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? today
32. Last time you cried? Tuesday
33. Who will/would re-post this? anyone

Here's what you're supposed to do...and please don't spoil the fun... hit 'forward,' delete my answers, type in your answers and send it to a bunch of people - including me.

On a lighter note...

2008-08-14T09:34:00.003-07:00

Boo decided that she needed to be a little more mobile than she had been... So she's taken things into her own hands... er, feet... er, whatever.

She did this all on her own, and repeated the action over and over again yesterday until her little legs got tired and she got frustrated.

~M

Update on Irony...

2008-08-13T10:23:00.002-07:00

Well, it's looking better than we expected. Kelly is due to be out of ICU in the next few days. His spleen is punctured, but there doesn't seem to be as big an internal bleeding issue as first expected.

The back breakage was actually 3 spurs off the side of his spine, where the ribs connect - this is better than actual cracked or broken vertebraes, since it doesn't actually affect the spinal chord. There are still 9 cracked or broken ribs, but they all look pretty good, too.

All in all, he's in good spirits. I called today at 10 on my first break, and spoke with both he and Mom. Doc seems to be pretty upbeat about the whole situation, so that's good.

I'm still undecided about whether I should forgo the event, drop off Fred and go up to see the family. Going to talk with Fred about it tonight and see what he says...

~M

Ironic, isn't it...

2008-08-12T21:01:00.002-07:00

So, we had a guy over here this evening talking with us about accidental life insurance, and what we may want to invest into it. The overall consensus was yes, we need it, and yes, it's a good idea, and yes, we'll take it, provided that we get approved (he isn't sure they will, considering our hobby of fire-dancing - but he's going to check).

He leaves around 8:45pm, totally jazzed about the living room decor and the fire-dancing thing, and at 9pm, I get the first of the text messages from my mother and sister.

My brother has fallen 3 stories from the roof of a house he was working on, through two railings, and onto a broken concrete floor. He's in ICU at Evergreen Hospital in Washington, and is expected to stay there for at least two weeks - then moved to in-pt rehab for a while longer... his injuries reads like a laundry list from a boot party, and include:

9 broken ribs
cracked spleen
broken back in 2 places
air & blood in back of left lung
internal bleeding

The good news is, he's concious - if you can call that good news. The man is a non-practicing drug and alcohol addict, and is most likely doped up to the eyeballs in morphine to deal with the pain... Not to mention the fact that he just got OUT of physical rehab about 7 months ago after he had a hip replaced...

So far, I haven't heard anything other than that. Mom's on her way over to the hospital, and Mel is already there. I'm getting updates as they find out about them as texts. I don't know that I'll sleep well tonight, and am not sure whether I'll be up to going to work tomorrow - I'll have to see. I just don't know.

Little known fact about my brother - he and my father (we only shared a mother) never got along until probably the last 6 months my father was alive - it was then that Kelly realized what it was he really wanted to be, and followed through with it. It was the one thing he always respected about my father: he became a carpenter... And now, here he is.

Isn't it funny...

~M

General updating for life...

2008-08-11T09:39:00.001-07:00

So, this weekend was the fabric sale at Fabric Depot. I love that place - probably too much, considering we spent way too much money there. I will have to ask Fred for help for this weekend to cover gate and the car rental - thankfully it won't be more than $30, but I do hate to ask for help when it's my own fault for over-spending... Couldn't resist the trim, though I tried... *sigh* I am a sucker for a pretty trim. I introduced Susan, a co-worker, to the joys of Fabric Depot, and promised that at some point during the winter months, I would teach her how to sew and read a pattern.

Boo went with us, and was relatively good for such a long and stimulating outing (about 3 hours, and full of bright colors, new things, and lots of people. She was gnawing on my hand Saturday afternoon, and swapped from her right side to her left, and I was suddenly attacked by a very sharp pain. Checking in her little gummy mouth, I found one little tooth had busted through her gum and was now peeking out at me. Needless to say, she's not going to be chewing on mommy anymore.

Our interviews for a new Mary Poppins is going fairly well. We're leaning toward one in specific, but will continue to interview until the 14th, just to make sure that we have given everyone interested ample time to apply. I'm determined to have it all done prior to this upcoming weekend, so we can go to the event without the worry of having to find someone quickly. This gives a pretty good time frame for most people to set up and get ready for a new position. The good news is that we've had 4 or 5 people very interested in the job, even at the rate we've advertised it at - which is really nice.

Life at the call center is... well... filled with drama. I have, for the most part, tried to simply keep my head down and out of the way to avoid it, while trying to find another position within the company. The level of childish drama has lowered from high school when I first arrived (which is typical of most call centers, and fairly easy to deal with), to almost kindergarten level now. The worst part is that it's the supervisor who seems to egg on a lot of it - which is just sad. There shouldn't be that type of drama at any workside, and certainly not to the levels that it has deteriorated to. The manager has simply stepped out of the loop entirely, and has turned a blind eye to it - apparently she figures that there are growing pains involved, and she needs to let us get over it all. It's been over 6 months, however, and it's no longer growing pains - it's the pain of an incompetent supervisor, egging on her 4 favorite employees to attack anyone she doesn't like, and tattle on anyone who says anything against her...

On a positive note, the position that I've been attempting to get into for several months has finally opened back up, so I've applied for it - I was basically told by one of the gals at that clinic that if I applied this time around, I would pretty much have the job, so I'm so applying for it. The hours are about the same that I'm working now, and it's a better pay that I'm getting, which is nice all the way round.

All in all, life isn't horrible, and things are moving along. I really need to get going on the clothing that I'm working on for Amie - I've been horribly lax on it and should be kicking into it with a vengeance after Boo goes to bed. I should be able to get through at least one every other day (estimating based on some of the more difficult ones to do - the pants are easy-peasy). There's one piece that I'll have to take almost completely apart. I need to definitely put together another pair of pants for her, and get one of the dresses put together and ready for her - she wants to wear it at a specific function... I think I should be able to get both of those done by the end of this week.

~M

As opposed to the exciting version, apparently

2008-08-05T15:44:00.002-07:00

Rushing around...

2008-07-31T14:08:00.002-07:00

This weekend is Dragon's Mist Defender's Tourney, so we're in the last mad dash to get ready for it. Then it's a week off and then back into one last camping dash to Blackthorne Revel the weekend of the 15th.

Meanwhile, I'm sewing clothes for the baby (but only after she goes to bed - she's crawling now, and is into EVERYTHING otherwise), trying to keep the house relatively clean, trying to find time to make and sew garb for me, tailoring people's office clothing, and trying to get another babysitter lined up as our dear Val will be leaving us for good after the 23rd of Aug. :-(

The good news is that we will (hopefully soon) have a little bit extra cash coming in. I'm still trying to get a second job, but am thinking that I may have to hold off on that until after we're done camping AND we have my thyroid under control... More good news is that we already have a few possible choices for a new sitter, so that's good, too. I'm not nearly as wigged out as I had been the last time.

Mum is heading down tomorrow to come with us, and should be here in the early afternoon - she was hoping to get here early, but apparently was still chasing her tail at 1pm today, so...

I'm still having to figure out what to do about food this weekend. I need to remind Fred to send to everyone we're camping with that we'll be doing a pot-luck on Saturday. That way, there'll be plenty of foodstuffs for everyone, and we won't break the bank doing it. I will be making the hash for Sunday morning breakfast, but will scoot out enough for mom before adding sausage (veg-head that she is).

Other than that, there'll be some new recipes posted up soon, I'm sure...

~M

Recovery? What's that?

2008-07-29T16:08:00.002-07:00

This last weekend was Sea Dogs. While Fred headed off with Ronnie for the weekend, I stayed home with Boo, secure in the knowledge that they would be off to *ba-ba-ba-bum* certain sunburn.

Saturday, we woke up fairly early (Boo woke up hungry, but happy, at 6:30am, so I figured we'd get up and get her fed at that point). She had her first "2nd foods" mix of apples and cherries, mixed with some rice cereal, and she at the entire 2.5 oz in one sitting. I think she has a sweet tooth... LOL.

After that, we changed, got everything together that was left to do, and headed out the door by 8am to catch the bus downtown on the first leg of our journey to the zoo.

We stopped at work to say "Happy Birthday" to one of my co-workers and show off the pirate dress to everyone, then headed over to the Saturday farmer's market just up the street.

We wended our way through the streets and I got one of the best fruit pasties that I've had in a while - huckleberry sweetened with pear. Yum. I always forget how good huckleberries are until I get really good ones.

We headed over to the zoo at that point, met up with Linda and Susan, and Linda's two grand-children, and headed into the zoo... Whereupon I found that the foot-gear I'd chosen was sadly not up to the task. I purchased flip-flops at the store, and we went on with our journey.

Boo actually was interested in the animals this time, and only had one major crying fit through the whole 4 hours we were there - pretty good for a 6 month old, honestly. We had lunch there, and then headed back home to our individual pads, my feet being very angry with me (the flip-flops didn't help, either).

We got home around 4:30, and I fed Boo and let her crawl around for a bit. She ended up collapsing around 6:30pm, and didn't wake up again until 2am, hungry and disgruntled (as usual - she doesn't like this whole bodily function thing going on). I fed her, then changed and settled her back down to bed, and settled down myself.

We both woke up later Sunday, around 7-ish, and spent the day lounging around the house, waiting for Fred to come home - which didn't happen until late that evening... Because he was a big dork... But that's his story.

~M

Weekend of something...

2008-07-25T13:46:00.002-07:00

So, the weekend is upon us. Fred and Ronnie left around 10:45 this morning, and handed Boo to Val for the rest of the day. I'll take over when I get home, and then have the weekend with her while Fred's at the event.

This is the first "official" weekend I've had the baby all to myself since she was born. It'll be difficult, to say the least. Normally there's at least a little bit of a respite that I can get when I need it.

We're going to go to the zoo tomorrow morning - this is mostly to distract both Boo and me from the fact that we're on our own, and to wear her out to a point where she'll sleep and be a little easier to deal with (I hope)...

I was going to BBQ tomorrow night, but so far it doesn't look like that will happen. Though I sent out information on it almost a month ago, most of my friends are going to be at the event. Those that aren't going are busy with other things.

My main issues will be trying not to focus on the fact that I'm once again at home while Fred's at an event, and trying to remember to eat. I'm tired enough already, I don't need to add lack of food to the issue... I'm feeling depressed, what with no one at home to talk with outside of the baby, and no one to hang out with since everyone is at the event. I'm not sure that I'll be interested in doing much of anything other than the zoo.

The thyroid issue seems to be continuing. Meds perked it up a bit, but it's slowly going back downhill to where I was. I know they're leaning currently toward Hashimoto's disease as a "final" diagnosis. I go in on the 18th to see what's up and will most likely get results by the 20th. If it *is* Hashimoto's, they'll try and kill the thyroid, to make sure that my body doesn't do it for me... Should make an interesting ride. I just hope that I don't lose more hair than I already have.

~M

New dress for baby!

2008-07-24T11:04:00.003-07:00

I found this fabric at Fabric Depot about a month or two ago, when I went with Raistlin and her mother to the first portion of the outdoor sale. I saw it, and I *had* to get it.

So, here's the first of the pirate print outfits that I've been working on for Boo. While Raistlin's mother said that I was "sick" for buying the fabric, I have to say that this turned out SO adorable I can hardly stand it. Everyone else thinks it's cute, too.

The back has 6 gold buttons down it, and they look like little doubloons.

This is the detail of one of the two pockets on the front.

So, I'm hoping to get photos of her in it on Saturday when we go to the zoo.

~M

Re-working the system; or, What I'd Do if _I_ Ran The US...

2008-07-16T16:28:00.003-07:00

My mother and I used to discuss politics when I was younger, about what would happen if we were a benevolent dictator of the US... It was an interesting exersize about what we felt could be improved upon, and what worked, and how we would impliment the changes. Fred and I took up the practice when we hooked up, and we've had a number of great conversations which got us thinking in new ways (at least, it did me) on how things "should" be run here.

One of the big things that always seemed to come up between my mother and I was welfare reform, as well as birth control.

All women, regardless of marital status, will have assistance on their first child for the first two years, if it’s proven that, based on NET income, they are in financial need for Welfare. WIC will be provided for the first child for the first three years, again based on financial need. The two will be separated, and they must qualify for them separately – but they can qualify for both, based on net income. The 2nd child will only receive WIC assistance, and there will be NO Welfare assistance. No further children will qualify for assistance.

Welfare assistance will include medical assistance for mother and child for the first two years, and additional medical assistance for the child for another three years, if they qualify based on income and their current employment assistance.

Fred had ideas on getting the US back on its feet as well... Basically, once we have troops back, put them to work – if they’re going to earn money, let them do what they were trained to do (Besides carry a gun and menace people). We have bridge-builders, ship-builders, engineers, etc. Send them to the places that need it the most (hurricane Katrina comes to mind) and have them clean the place up. We’re already paying them, what’s wrong with having them work here?

I have no doubt that it would be a very unpopular idea - but at the same time, think about how much has yet to be done in the US, where natural disasters have come through and wiped out whole cities. Think of the amazing amount of service that could be done throughout the US, improving the state of our nation. Not only that, but they would get practical, hands-on experience in the areas that they signed up to get training in while being IN the military in the first place.

Speaking of having the troops back, we need to focus more on what's happening here in the US than outside of it. I'm not a xenophobe - but I'll tell you what, in reading US history over the past 60 years, I've seen quite a number of things go on, not the least of which is that we've given billions of dollars in aid to other countries, with the promise of being paid back within "x" number of years, we've provided millions of man-hours, not to mention men and women, for policing countries and fighting for others' freedoms. We've spent years giving weapons to countries to help them fight against our "mutual" enemies, only to later have those weapons turned against us when we become the enemy. Meanwhile, at home, our children grow up without quality healthcare, without a decent, well-rounded education, some without even decent nutrition - and why? Because our government seems to be more interested in helping those countries outside the US, rather than helping and improving our own.

As for the government itself, it needs to be overhauled. At the very least, the Electoral College needs to be disbanded completely. It's an outdated and out-moded idea. It was fine when we were unable to communicate for weeks at a time, and relied on state representatives to vote based on the state's majority. These days, we get updates by the second - there's no reason to rely on 13 people, who will vote on their own, regardless of the people's majority vote. If we really want the ad campaigns to "Rock the vote" to work, then we need to make sure that those votes really COUNT!

Am I crazy? Possibly. Am I right? Well, I definitely think so. I doubt that anyone else will, but since it's my blog, I get to write what I want. Neener.

essay on being poor

2008-07-07T16:04:00.002-07:00

It's about as fun as having wisdom teeth pulled and not using anestetic - the only difference being that eventually, the pain of the wisdom teeth will wear off.

I'm going to get a 2nd job as soon as I have enough energy to do so. We just can't afford to go on like we are currently, and it's more stressful for me to not have a cushion than it is for me to have a 2nd job.

Haven't found anyone interested in purchasing my serger. Am going to put up a page on craig's list and hope. I'd like to get $100 for it. The only thing wrong with it is the cutting blade, which is broken - but is easily fixed.

Baby continues to grow at an astounding rate. I need to get her some new all-in-ones. She only has 3 now that fit her. The rest are WAY too small. She's into 9-12 month old clothing, and just turned 5 months on Sunday...

Went to the zoo Sunday with Fred and baby. We all had a very good time, until Fred's allergies decided to pounce upon him with a vengeance. We are thinking it's a combo of pollens and bird dander, which means if we go to the zoo, he'll have to make sure to take his Zyrtec, or go to the dr for a script to help with the allergies... Otherwise he'll be no fun at all, and we will have to deal with a cranky Fred - whom no one likes at all.

Have come up with a slight twist to an idea that the SCA has, Siege Cooking...

The rules are simple:

You must have at least 2 people (obviously, or it's not a contest).

There will be 3 judges to taste the creations.

Each contestant will be given enough ingredients for 2 creations to be made for each judge (a total of six plates per contestant)

Contestants are allowed 3 hours to create the dishes in their encampment.

Contestants are allowed to ask for help ONLY within their encampment.

Contestants are NOT allowed to leave their encampment OR go offsite for additional ingredients once the contest starts.

Contestants are not allowed to raid other encampments to gain additional ingredients.

Contestants are allowed ONE visit to the "mystery box" at the judge's station, within the first two hours of the contest, and they can take up to 3 items. Each item they take, they must replace with a different item that they don't need. The only person allowed to visit the "mystery box" is the contestant.

Each contestant will turn in their dishes at the same time, at the end of the 3 hours. They can have as much help as they feel is necessary to transport the dishes, and can make as much pomp and circumstance as they feel their dishes deserve, in order to serve them.

Each dish will focus on the mystery ingredient.

Criteria for judging will be:

Plating/presentation: 10 points
Originality: 5 points
Flavor/Taste: 5 points

In the event of a tie, each contestant will be allowed to say a few words about their dishes - the more interesting the better... The one with the best description and/or story regarding their dish will be declared the winner by a 4th judge.

I have seen some of these in the past at SCA events, and they're a lot of fun... Should be interesting to see what people come up with.

~M

Happy 4th of July! Remember?

2008-07-04T12:41:00.003-07:00

One of the most amazing things happens each year on the 4th in the US. We celebrate the signing of the constitution - literally penning into creation a new country!

Each year, about a week prior, we start off with firework stands, star-spangled sales, and brightly colored, patriotic favors wending their way throughout our stores and down the streets. And yet...

AND YET!

Here I sit, at work, and I answer the phone at the local hospital, and take calls asking WHY the clinics are closed today?! I am absolutely amazed that, for all the professed "patriots" here in the area where I live, apparently they are completely oblivious to the 4th of July and the reasons that everything that is NON-ESSENTIAL to the hospital will be closed for the weekend... Why!!!?

Are they completely mental?

Is it that they are patriotic, unless it inconveniences them?

Honestly. Really. Let's think about this, here. If you are going to play the patriot card, then do it full blast. Don't wander around in red, white, and blue, spouting the first verse of the Star-Spangled Banner (because you can't remember the 2nd one), and then be confused because nothing is open!

Honestly, we don't actually have THAT many holidays that affect our daily lives. It's not THAT much of an inconvenience, as long as you learn to plan ahead. Especially with dr appointments. This is not a life-or-death issue. Don't act like it is. Life-and-death are allergic reactions, spurting blood, passing out, heart attacks, or other things which would immediately cause the quality (not to mention quantity) of life to be greatly reduced within the next half hour. Be real.

~M

Justification! Victory is mine - sort of...

2008-07-02T11:29:00.002-07:00

So, yesterday I went to see another Dr about my thyroid. She pulled more blood from me, did another THS test, as well as a Free T4 test and a ferrous count. We also went over the rest of my health history and family history, and I really felt like we were connecting for the first time - It felt like she actually listened to me.

This morning she called and let me know the test results. My thyroid went from 5.3 last week to 7.5 as of yesterday... the T4 didn't seem to have an issue, but was borderline, so I'm now going to be on Synthroid to stabalize it. In addition, while I'm not anemic, my iron level is currently at a 9 - the lowest they like to see it is 50... So, yeah, a little bit of issue on both parts... I have only one thing to say to the first Dr:

IN YOUR NECK, JACK!

I did mention at the beginning of all of this that I figured my thyroid was out of whack, and there could be something else... Gee, could it be that I was RIGHT?!?!?!

I think so.

~M

You! You're fired!

2008-06-27T13:49:00.002-07:00

That's what I told the Dr I had been with as of yesterday. After getting back the test results for my thyroid and finding that I was pretty much off the charts, he refused to do further testing to find out whether it was my T3 or T4 that was causing the issue. His reasoning was this: According to the lab, the result was still within the range of normal - therefore, he was comfortable with the finding and didn't feel that further testing was justified.

When I pointed out the list of issues that I'd been having, he said that since he didn't see one specific issue he was looking for that "guaranteed" me having hypothyroidism, he was confident that I didn't have it and that further testing would be going in the wrong direction. What he instead wanted me to do was to double the dose on my Lexapro, keep a diary, and since I didn't have a regular shrink, I could see him once a month to check up on how I was feeling mentally...

So, I called another Dr, this time an internist specializing in women's health, and fired the first one. I have an appointment next Tuesday morning to (hopefully) start the ball rolling to get me feeling better.

Still alive...

2008-06-26T13:55:00.002-07:00

In case anyone was keeping count, as of June 23rd, Fred and I have been married 1 year! And we're still alive!! For those keeping score, this is longer than some people had predicted us to be together. Officially, as of October 5th, we will have been together 4 years, WAY longer than some people had predicted. And I'm still as in love with him as ever - and he with me.

Our beautiful baby girl is now moving along toward her 5th month, and is on the fast track to moving. She's figured out hands and feet, and has been rocking back and forth on hands and knees occasionally, and has been inch-worming her way around her crib each night. She's also starting fights with the neighborhood plush toys, and argues with them when they don't do what she wants them to...

We are poor as churchmice at the moment, and getting even more so as we move along, but hopefully by December things will look better. Meanwhile, we won't be doing much that wasn't pre-scheduled and planned for early this year.

The relief check came, and the two large ticket items we had planned on getting were purchased - the rest went elsewhere. We now are the proud owners of a dyson vacuum cleaner, and a Char-Broil 4-burner grill, both of which we adore.

I was just diagnosed this week with Hypothyroidism, and am now fighting with doctors to actually get treated... As I mentioned in a previous entry, the "accepted" range for a thyroid is anywhere from .35 to 5.53. My thyroid is currently at 5.53... The higher the number, the further into hypothyroidism you are... However, since I'm still in the "normal" range, my doctor wasn't going to do further testing or treat me for it. I fired him. Now I get to go to a new doctor, and figure out how to pay THAT bill...

All in all, it's been a month.

~M

A bit of research...

2008-06-24T13:35:00.002-07:00

I've been doing research for about a week or so on Hypothyroidism. I have been having increasing symptoms that point toward hypothyroidism, but so far my Dr has not felt that my symptoms point toward anything but needing an increase in my Lexapro, and a monthly check-up with him to go over journal entries that I'm to be writing each day about how I feel...

So, the following is cut-and-paste info that I got from a variety of different websites (all cited at the end of this entry). The list of symptoms is included, and the italizied ones are what I have issues with currently...

A Look at Undiagnosed Thyroid Problems

It's a common story. After having a baby, you find it unusually difficult to lose the baby weight, despite serious diet or exercise. Or you think you're getting enough sleep, but find yourself waking after eight or more hours of sleep exhausted and then drag around during the day feeling like a nap is the only thing on your mind. Or, conversely, you may find yourself anxious for no apparent reason, losing weight, up all night with insomnia and heart palpitations, and noticing that you're losing hair.

For many of you, the doctor will suggest that these symptoms point to depression, not enough sleep, a need for exercise, premenstrual syndrome, or simply the effects of stress.

The reality is that symptoms such as fatigue, anxiety, unexplained weight gain or loss, hair loss, depression, and palpitations may indicate that you have an undiagnosed thyroid condition.

A February, 2000 research study found that the estimated number of people with undiagnosed thyroid disease may be 10 percent -- a level that is double current estimates, and may represent as many as 13 million Americans currently undiagnosed. For women, the risk is even higher. A woman faces as high as a one in five chance of developing thyroid problems during her lifetime. That risk increases with age and for those with a family history of thyroid problems.

The thyroid is our body's metabolic engine, controlling use of energy and foods. A small butterfly-shaped gland, the thyroid is located in the neck behind the Adam's apple, and produces key hormones -- triiodothyronine (T3) and thyroxine (T4) -- that fuel metabolism and help our bodies properly use energy and calories.

How do you know if you have hypothyroidism, the most commonly diagnosed thyroid problem? Your symptoms might include depression, forgetfulness, fatigue, weight gain, hoarse voice, high cholesterol levels, constipation, intolerance to cold, coarse hair, hair loss, dry skin, reduced libido, tingling hands and feet, heavy or irregular periods, and infertility or recurrent miscarriage. A careful review of our comprehensive Hypothyroidism Symptoms Checklist can help.

Undiagnosed hypothyroidism is blamed for many conditions and symptoms in women, including:

• infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss
• heart attacks and clogged arteries
• high cholesterol levels
• difficulty losing weight
• exacerbated menopausal symptoms
• fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome
• carpal tunnel syndrome and tendinitis
• low sex drive
• mitral valve prolapse

If your doctor suspects hypothyroidism, he or she will order a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test. Most American laboratories have a normal range from around .5 to 5.5. TSH level above 5.5 or 6 is usually diagnosed as hypothyroid.

More doctors are also viewing high-normal or normal TSH levels as possible evidence of low-level hypothyroidism. Dr. John Dommisse, in an interview with Mary Shomon, has said that that "The so-called 'normal range' is way too high" Elizabeth Lee Vliet, M.D., is author of Screaming to Be Heard: Hormonal Connections Women Suspect...and Doctors Ignore. She does not tell her patients their thyroids are normal based only on TSH results. According to Vliet, "The normal range is relative. Many women have symptoms -- or are hypothyroid -- when TSH anywhere but the lower end of the range."

This broader interpretation of what constitutes 'normal' in terms of the thyroid is discussed in greater depth in “HELP! My TSH Is "Normal" But I Think I'm Hypothyroid.”

Dr. Vliet also tests for elevated thyroid antibodies, and low Free T3 and Free T4 levels. "Most women with elevated antibodies are in the process of developing autoimmune thyroid disease," says Vliet. "And even with normal TSH levels, I've found that majority of women with elevated antibodies, low Free T3 and low Free T4 require thyroid hormone replacement to feel well."

Doctors usually prescribe the synthetic T4 hormone levothyroxine to treat hypothyroidism. Popular brands include Levoxyl and Synthroid. Research reported in the New England Journal of Medicine in February of 1999 found that a majority of patients may feel better on a combination of hormones. On that basis of that study, more doctors are also adding synthetic T3 (liothyronine). Alternative physicians tend to prefer Thyrolar, Armour, or Naturethroid, drugs that include both hormones.

Occasionally, symptoms may accompany suspicious thyroid nodules. Nodules are typically evaluated by ultrasound scan and blood tests, and sometimes by an outpatient biopsy called fine needle aspiration (FNA). The vast majority of nodules are benign, and some are treated with levothyroxine. If cancer can't be ruled out, or your thyroid is obstructing breathing or swallowing, your doctor will likely recommend surgery.

Can You Prevent Thyroid Disease?

There are several things you can do to reduce your chance of thyroid problems.

Be Careful About Too Much Soy

There's evidence that excessive isoflavones -- found in popular soy products and supplements -- may cause hypothyroidism, goiter or nodules. Larrian Gillespie, M.D., author of The Goddess Diet, says "one serving of tofu a day is all you need to enjoy soy's benefits. Going overboard on soy supplements and powders may trigger or worsen thyroid problems." Also, remember that a long-term, steady diet of soy formula may make your baby more vulnerable to developing autoimmune thyroid conditions, due to overexposure to antithyroid isoflavones.

Drink Bottled Water

Fluoride in water, and a rocket fuel manufacturing by-product known as perchlorate, and other toxic chemicals are among the many substances in water that may trigger or worsen the risk of thyroid problems. Consider drinking purified or bottled water.

When It Comes to Iodine -- Think Moderation

Too little iodine, an increasing problem in the United States, increases your risk of hypothyroidism or goiter, but excessive iodine intake -- including kelp or bladderwrack -- can also affect the thyroid.

Stop Smoking

Smoking can damage the thyroid, and actually worsens some existing thyroid conditions . . . yet another reason to quit -- or never start -- smoking.

Reduce Your Stress

Reducing stress using effective techniques such as aerobic exercise, yoga and mind-body techniques can play a part in preventing some autoimmune problems like thyroid disease.

You can use this checklist to bring to your doctor to help aid in getting a proper diagnosis of hypothyroidism, or as background information in your discussions regarding finetuning your dosage so you are at the optimal TSH level for your own level of wellness.

Adults
In adults, hypothyroidism is associated with the following symptoms:

Poor muscle tone (muscle hypotonia)
Fatigue
Cold intolerance, increased sensitivity to cold
Depression
Constipation
Muscle cramps and joint pain
Arthritis
Goiter
Thin, brittle fingernails
Thin, brittle hair
Paleness
Dry, itchy skin
Weight gain
Bradycardia (low HR <60 BPM)

Late symptoms

Slowed speech and a hoarse, breaking voice. Deepening of the voice can also be noticed.
Dry puffy skin, especially on the face
Thinning of the outer third of the eyebrows
Abnormal menstrual cycles
Low basal body temperature

Less common symptoms

Heat intolerance, increased sensitivity to heat
Impaired memory
Impaired cognitive function (brain fog) and inattentiveness
Urticaria (hives)
Migraine headache
A slow heart rate with ECG changes including low voltage signals. Diminished cardiac output and decreased contractility.
Reactive (or post-prandial) hypoglycemia
Pericardial effusions may occur.
Sluggish reflexes
Hair loss
Anemia caused by impaired hemoglobin synthesis (decreased EPO levels), impaired intestinal iron and folate absorption or B12 deficiency from pernicious anemia
Anxiety/panic attacks
Difficulty swallowing
Shortness of breath with a shallow and slow respiratory pattern.
Impaired ventilatory responses to hypercapnia and hypoxia.
Increased need for sleep
Osteopenia or Osteoporosis
Irritability and mood instability
Yellowing of the skin due to impaired conversion of beta-carotene to vitamin A
Impaired renal function with decreased GFR.
Thin, fragile or absent cuticles
Elevated serum cholesterol
Acute psychosis (myxedema madness) is a rare presentation of hypothyroidism
Decreased libido
Decreased sense of taste and smell (late, less common symptoms)
Puffy face, hands and feet (late, less common symptoms)
Depression

Getting a thyroid diagnosis if your TSH lab tests come back as normal. Many people write to me, asking if they could be hypothyroid, despite having had their TSH tested, and it comes back in the "normal" range. These people often describe a list of standard hypothyroid symptoms and have shown low basal body temperature tests, but standard TSH testing has shown them to be in the "normal range."

Here are some things to pursue in getting a diagnosis. What is your lab's "normal" range, and how does your doctor define "normal?"

Different labs have different values for what is normal. For example, at the lab my doctor uses, the normal range is .5 to 5.5. A TSH of less than .5 is considered hyPERthyroid, and a TSH of more than 5.5 is considered hyPOthyroid. Other labs might use .35 to 5, or .6 to 5.2, etc., but it's important for you to know the values at YOUR lab.

AND, it's important to know that as of March, 2003, the endocrinology community has recognized that the normal range is actually narrower. While labs are not necessarily reflecting this in their testing, the official "normal range" is now .3 to 3.0. For more information, read: Endos Say Normal TSH Range Now .3 to 3: Millions More at Thyroid Risk.

If you're on the higher end of the normal range, you could very well be borderline hypothyroid for YOU, but still in the "normal" range. So, you need to know what TSH level your doctor is targeting for you. This is a very loaded, but VERY important question. Your doctor's answer will tell you her or his philosophy about "normal" TSH. Some doctors believe that being in, or getting you into the very top of the normal range is their sole objective, and then the job is done. So, for example, using the 5.5 outer edge of the TSH level from my lab, that sort of doctor believes that getting me to somewhere around there constitutes full treatment.

Other doctors believe that certain TSH levels within the normal range are more appropriate targets. My endocrinologist, for example, believes that women don't feel well (and can't lose weight or get rid of other hypothyroidism symptoms) unless TSH is down between 1 and 2, far below the higher end of "normal." (There are some suggestions in research that have shown that the average TSH of a women without thyroid disease is 2, so that may be why some women don't feel well at 4 or 5.) My doctor wants me to feel as well as possible within normal range, but finds that on average, women don't feel well at the higher end, so she aims to take it lower.
In my own experience, I feel downright awful at anything above 4, and I feel great between 1 and 2, which is where my endocrinologist keeps my TSH. But some doctors would have no problem keeping me between a TSH of 3 and 4, still in the laboratory "normal" range, despite the fact that I still have the full range of hypothyroid symptoms -- fatigue, weight gain, irregular menstrual periods, dry skin, hair falling out -- at those levels.

The best doctor is one who believes that managing your thyroid is a combination of TSH AND how you feel. These are doctors who treat you like a patient, not a lab value! These doctors might say "well, let's get you into the normal range, see how you feel, and adjust the dosage from there."

Have you been tested for thyroid antibodies?

Some doctors believe that a thyroid that is in the process of autoimmune failure -- as evidenced by elevated antibody levels -- can cause hypothyroid symptoms BEFORE the hypothyroidism shows up as TSH outside the normal range, and should be treated with small doses of thyroid hormone.

One doctor who lays out this information is Elizabeth Lee Vliet, M.D., in her book Screaming to be Heard: Hormonal Connections Women Suspect...and Doctors Ignore. Dr. Vliet does not believe that TSH tests are the almighty indicator of a woman's thyroid health. Dr. Vliet says that symptoms, along with elevated thyroid antibodies and normal TSH, may be a reason for treatment with thyroid hormone.

Here's a quote from Dr. Vliet:

The problem I have found is that too often women are told their thyroid is normal without having the complete thyroid tests done. Of course, what most people, and many physicians, don't realize is that...a 'normal range' on a laboratory report is just that: a range. A given person may require higher or lower levels to feel well and to function optimally. I think we must look at the lab results along with the clinical picture described by the patient...I have a series of more than a hundred patients, all but twoare women, who had a normalTSH and turned out to have significantly elevated thyroid antibodiesthat meant they needed thyroid medication in order to feel normal. This type of oversight is particularly common with a type of thyroid disease called thyroiditis, which is about 25 times more common in females than males...a woman may experience the symptoms of disease months to years before TSH goes up..."

Have you had a TRH test?

In an article by Raphael Kellman, M.D. in Alternative Medicine magazine, Dr. Kellman indicates that some hypothyroidism may not be picked up by the standard thyroid hormone panel, which tests primarily the TSH, (thyroid stimulating hormone). If hypothyroidism symptoms are present, but TSH tests are normal, Dr. Kellman often relies on the TRH -- thyrotropin releasing hormone --stimulation test to assess possible hypothyroidism. According to Dr. Kellman, "the physician measures the patient's TSH level (a simple blood test), gives an injection of TRH, then draws blood 25 minutes later and remeasures the TSH. If the first TSH level is normal and the second TSH level is high--above ten--it tells us the patient's thyroid is underactive. A TSH reading of 15 is suspicious, while 20 strongly points to hypothyroidism." Dr. Kellman states that, "of the patients I've seen with three or more typical symptoms of underactive thyroid but who have tested 'normal' in standard tests, 35-40% actually have underactive thyroids based on the TRH test."

Could You Have an Underlying Additional Problem that Requires More than Just Standard Thyroid Hormone Replacement such as Levothyroxine Sodium/Synthroid?

Synthroid, Levoxyl, Levothyroid, Euthyrox, Eltroxin are all brand names for the thyroid drug levothyroxine sodium, which is a synthetic version of the thyroid hormone T4. These are most often the drugs prescribed for thyroid hormone replacement for most patients.

But if you have hypothyroidism and are taking one of these conventional thyroid replacement drugs, your blood tests show a "normal" TSH and yet you still don't feel well, there may be an need for the addition of T3, the other major thyroid hormone.

For example, the book "Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction: Trigger Point Manual, " describes the condition of "hypometabolism," where inability to adequately convert T4 to the T3 needed by the body leaves someone with a normal TSH level, but hypothyroid symptoms. Serum hormone studies typically show marginally low T3 and T4 levels, usually within the "normal" range, and TSH is rarely elevated out of the "normal range." At the same time, cholesterol is often elevated, and basal temperature is likely to be 97 degrees F or less. Patients with hypometabolism problems often respond well to T3 or T4/T3 treatments.

Fibromylagia can also be an underlying reason. Symptoms of fibromyalgia can be very similar to thyroid disease, and researchers have found higher incidence of thyroid disease among fibromylagia patients. And the researchers are also finding that these patients need the additional thyroid hormone T3 to resolve symptoms. For more information on fibromylagia and its symptoms, diagnosis, and relationship to thyroid disease, see my article "Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, and Autoimmune Thyroid Disease.

T3 is available on its own, as a brandname drug known as Cytomel, or can be included with T4 in the naturally derived thyroid drug Armour Thyroid, or the synthetic version of Armour, which is known as Thyrolar.

But My Doctor Thinks that TSH Testing is the Only Way to Diagnose Hypothyroidism, Antibody Tests are a Waste of Time, TRH Tests Are Useless, Synthroid is the Only Drug to Prescribe, and There's no Such Thing as Hypometabolism or Conversion Problems or Fibromyalgia, and Armour Thyroid is an Old-Fashioned, Dangerous Drug

Many endocrinologists are known for being "numbers" people. They manage by the numbers, and not by the symptoms, which can often create the "you're in the normal range, so you're fine" response many of us get to complaints that we still don't feel well. So keep in mind that even if you have easily diagnosed hypothyroidism, it may take some serious looking to find an endocrinologist who believes in finding an optimal TSH for you, and not just getting you into the high normal range and declaring you cured.

As for getting a diagnosis and treatment via the less conventional methods -- basal body temperature testing, TRH tests, antibody testing -- or drugs -- Armour, Thyrolar, Cytomel --you're probably going to need to look outside the standard endocrinology community and find a doctor who has a more holistic approach.

Sources:

http://thyroid.about.com/cs/hypothyroidism/a/normaltsh.htm by Mary Shoman.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothyroidism
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hypothyroidism/DS00353
http://thyroid.about.com/
http://thyroid.about.com/od/symptomsrisks/a/symptomsrisks.htm

Cynics - work together!

2008-06-20T15:58:00.002-07:00

Well, the most recent developments really don't bear repeating. I thought about everything that's going on in my life, and most people simply don't care either one way or another about it... Still, for my own records to look back at, here's what's going on...

We almost lost our babysitter two days ago. Unfortunately, we had not been able to pay more than a small set amount. However, thanks to my mother, we are now able to keep our babysitter - which is good. The baby and the sitter both adore one another, and it's nice to have someone around that I know and trust with her. It's worth the extra cost.

In addition, we got our relief check. After buying two large ticket items (a grill and a vacuum), and a yearly zoo pass, the rest is going to bills. I get to pick up the two large, bulky items with the help of Ronnie, as of this evening. Soon, there will be a grill party. I'll let people know when.

I have continued to lose my hair by the handfuls since I had the baby. I also have hardly any sex drive, am moody and depressed most days, and/or am crabby and snappish the rest of the time. I'm exhausted all the time, no matter what. There are a few other things going on as well, which I won't go into at this point. Amie thinks it's my thyroid... I plan to find out Monday, when I go in to the dr about it.

Elizabeth is continuing to grow at an almost exponential rate. She's over 16 lb's now, and over 26 inches long... She's into the 6-9 month clothing because she's so tall. She figured out how to sit up by herself last weekend, and as of a few days ago, she's on hands and knees, wobbling back and forth. It's only a matter of days before she decides to get going and crawl. We started her on a small amount of rice cereal, per her pediatrician. She actually likes it, and it's gotten her to slow down a bit on the formula/breastmilk...

We took her swimming last Sunday, and she loved it. Looked at the pool, then gave me a look like "That's the biggest tub EVER!" It was a little on the cool side, but she didn't seem to mind at all, which was nice.

Work continues to be work. I'm frustrated at not getting out of the call center at this point, but apparently it's not to be for now. I gave up applying for new positions for a while, since it's not going to happen until the time is right.

I have come to the conclusion that there are some people in my life that I've repeatedly extended invitations to, and conciously made an effort to continue a friendship with them, to no avail. They simply don't want to be friends anymore. So, I'm done. I am not going to waste precious energy trying to continue on a friendship which is obviously not reciprocated. Whatever. I can use that energy elsewhere, and be happier for it, though have fewer friends.

Honestly, speaking of friends, I've figured out I'm really just not friend material. I'm available to help people, I am useful to be around if you need sewing or cooking to be done, and I'm always counted on to either have money to borrow or a shoulder to cry on - but I'm not good for a friend... *shrug* whatever. Fred's always been the social butterfly anyway, so Elizabeth can learn how to be friends with people from him. I'll be there for moral support.

Other than that, nothing much going on. Oh, and got a great T-shirt for Fred for Father's Day: "I'm sorry... I can't hear you over how awesome I am".

~M

Update, and a true rant...

2008-06-10T13:12:00.003-07:00

I am still here, and still keeping tabs - life, however, has had its demands lately; not the least of which was becoming a new mommy about 4 months ago as of this last Friday… Meanwhile, I am still occasionally getting comments on my original post over under the “Sallie Mae Sucks Ass” entry (you can check it out), even though I’d posted there (in the comments section) that everything that had to do with Sallie Mae from that point on should be directed over to this blog. The following is the most recent of comments that apparently was posted to try and dissuade me from continuing on with my determined plan to help stop (or at least slow down) the financial hemorrhaging that Sallie Mae has caused to so many borrowers:

companies like sallie mae are purhased and sold all the time emailing the VP will do no good. Besides do you honestly think anyone will read them? I used to work for "Salie Mae" although i represented the Guarantor, USAFunds. We are in the same building (same #) calling about the same loans but are a seperate corp. thank you "mortgage financer" All i can say is you know how much money you are borrowing what did you expect the payment to be afterwords? try taking out 40 - 50,000 for a car and see what that payment is. The fact of the matter is that federal student loans have an extremely low interest rate are are the best type of loan a student can have. If you took out Private loans then sorry for you those interest rates are crazy high, but that amount was figured at an amount that someone (you, parents etc) should have been able to contribute to your education, wastefull spending is no justification for these "harrassing" calls. If you borrowed enough money to make a $500 / mo payment your job should reflect that. I borrowed 40k myself make $9/hr and can still find plenty of money to live and pay every bill i have. Stand up be a man and adjust your lavish lifestyle back to normality. I would imagine you have used forbearance over and over which has only capitolized your interest probabl doubling your loans by now. Word of advice if you havnt already. START PAYING anything will slowly eat away your debt, may not stop the calls but will obviously help. You have to prove and "Undue Hardship" to get any legal help for student loans. These loans are created to be given easily to students to get them the knowledge they need to succeed, for that reason they are incredibly hard to dismiss. Your choices are A: Permanent and Total Disability or B: Death.

Now, let’s take a good look at this note, piece by piece. Let’s really analyze it and see where it’s coming from. First and foremost, the lack of spell-check and punctuation, not to mention the proper capitalization of words. It’s sad that what I’m seeing here is someone who still works for Sallie Mae (It‘s pretty obvious), who can’t spell their name, and who can’t seem to figure out how to create proper sentence structure or spelling.

So, from the beginning…
companies like sallie mae are purhased and sold all the time emailing the VP will do no good. Besides do you honestly think anyone will read them?

Actually, not only did they read it, but something actually got DONE about it - and you’d know this if you actually did a bit of research through my actual Sallie Mae blog and noted that I not only got a reduction of payments, but also a reduction of my percentage rate - via Barry Feierstein, the VP of the company. Thanks, but you’re already beginning to annoy me from sheer stupidity.

I used to work for "Salie Mae" although i represented the Guarantor, USAFunds. We are in the same building (same #) calling about the same loans but are a seperate corp. thank you "mortgage financer

I’d say you STILL work for them, what with your lack of empathy, not to mention your piss-poor information. Further, they are NOT a separate corporation - they are all under the same major corporate vendor identity that is Sallie Mae (or is that Salie Mae, as you spelled it). This is something that has been a repeated bone of contention throughout the company’s long history with its borrowers. They own over 12 different collection companies, but claim since those companies are all named differently, they are all allowed to call individually for loan collection - even though they are all doing debt collection for the SAME COMPANY - Sallie Mae.

All i can say is you know how much money you are borrowing what did you expect the payment to be afterwords? try taking out 40 - 50,000 for a car and see what that payment is.

I’m sorry - if you’re going to take out a loan for $40-$50,000 for a CAR, then that’s a different kettle of fish. A vehicle is not supposed to get you further in your career. It will not provide further knowledge or help to increase your value as a member of society based on your training. Try comparing this with something else - I’d be more inclined to listen about it. Furthermore, the percentage rate on a car loan is based on your annual credit score, and is normally a fixed rate. This is not necessarily so for a student loan.

The fact of the matter is that federal student loans have an extremely low interest rate are are the best type of loan a student can have. If you took out Private loans then sorry for you those interest rates are crazy high, but that amount was figured at an amount that someone (you, parents etc) should have been able to contribute to your education, wastefull spending is no justification for these "harrassing" calls.

You are correct - Federal student loans *do* have extremely low interest rates, and ARE the best type of loan a student can have. However, many schools do not differentiate at the time of signing which type of loan they are having you agree to - legal or not, this is the absolute truth of the matter. In addition, truth in lending laws are regularly suspended when requesting student loans, and interest rates on private school loans are not required to be disclosed until AFTER the paperwork has been signed.

Further, as for an amount that either my parents or myself “should” have been able to contribute to my education… I was 30 years old when I requested the loan - well past the age that my parents income would have been looked at. In addition, I had no job, no income, and owned an 11-year-old Ford Festiva when I signed the papers - I had NOTHING to base an amount on. What sort of “wasteful spending” are you talking about? Rent? Food? Electricity? Am I expected to live out of my car and eat nothing for days on end in order to pay back my loans? I think not. NO ONE should be forced into that type of situation, yet Sallie Mae places thousands of people into similar situations each year, all in the name of “bettering” and “helping” people.

If you borrowed enough money to make a $500 / mo payment your job should reflect that. I borrowed 40k myself make $9/hr and can still find plenty of money to live and pay every bill i have. Stand up be a man and adjust your lavish lifestyle back to normality.

You are able to make it on $9 per hour? And still find plenty of money to live on and pay every bill you have?? REEALLY? Let’s do the math here, bub. Let’s base it on a standard 40 hour work week and see what’s going on here:

$9/hr x 40 hrs x 2 weeks = $720 x 70% (what you’ll keep on avg after taxes) = $504

So, you make a total of $504 every two weeks… An average of $13,104 for the year…

Now, let’s look at interest - we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re annual interest rate on your $40k loan is at 6%. That’s an additional $2400 per year. Let’s say you pay $500 per month for you’re loan. That means at the end of the year, you’ve paid a total of $6000 - $2400 of which is that interest, and the other $3600 in the actual loan. Which is really good, considering. I must say, I have to applaud you - you’ll be out of debt at that rate within 13 years of the original borrowing date - if you continue on and NOTHING causes you to lose your current situation…

Also, if you pay $500 per month for you’re loan, you have a total of $546 each month for everything else. It’s nice living with your parents rent-free, isn’t it… Because that’s what’s going on here. Let’s be honest - even in the cheapest states at this point, rent for a 1 bedroom averages about $300 per month. Even if you have roommates, you still end up paying about $250, if not $350 per month, just for your rent - and then there’s the electricity and food to go along with it.

As for a “lavish” lifestyle, let’s really look at what I own/have vs. what I WANT… I own nothing - or at least, nothing of any real value. I have no car, I have no house, I have no major appliances. I have a computer that is aging into antiquity as I type this, which I had before I got the loan… I have A cell phone with no extra frills because it’s necessary for me to have a way to contact others due to work/baby/bills/family. I have ONE splurge that I give myself every month, which is the cable internet, because I do work from home on occasion, and need the speed.

Did you even READ anything that I’d written about how much I was paying? Or what my interest rate was at the time that I decided to actually DO something about it? They had me sign paperwork with me agreeing to pay on a loan with 18.9% interest! That’s usery, plain and simple. They bent me over, and without even a lick of KY or a drink offer afterwards, Sallie Mae totally screwed me. Just as they have thousands of others.

As for me “standing up” and “being a man”, that would be rather difficult, since I’m a WOMAN - again, if you’d read any of what I’d written, you’d know that. Stupid git.

I would imagine you have used forbearance over and over which has only capitolized your interest probabl doubling your loans by now. Word of advice if you havnt already. START PAYING anything will slowly eat away your debt, may not stop the calls but will obviously help.

Yes, I have used forbearance. I’ve had to… Between not having a job that paid enough to even cover rent for about 5-6 months, and then finally getting myself back onto my feet enough to pay my basic utility bills and rent, Sallie Mae has been routed to the back burner a few times - they didn’t like it, but that’s the way it was. The fact of the matter was (and still is), paying “anything at all” was not going to “slowly” eat away at my debt - not at the interest rate that it was at. I wasn’t even paying a THIRD of the interest rate per year before I got them to re-negotiate and lower it. The level of absurdity both of Sallie Mae, and of your continued diatribe of noxious vomit leave me relatively speechless, and I only continue on with this to help others who I KNOW read this to understand exactly what they’re up against.

As for the calls stopping, that’s easily solved with a threat of a law suit via a faxed letter to their legal and customer service team (see a prior entry at my other blog to find out how). Legally speaking, as a company, Sallie Mae cannot call you more than once every 24 hours on your debt, and cannot call you names, cannot threaten you, cannot threaten your family or work, and cannot otherwise demean you or your character at ANY time, regardless of the amount of money that you owe them. Period. End of story. If they do, and you send them written notice, and they continue, you can sue them for harassment. If you don't believe me, call the feds. I did, and they verified that for me.

You have to prove and "Undue Hardship" to get any legal help for student loans. These loans are created to be given easily to students to get them the knowledge they need to succeed, for that reason they are incredibly hard to dismiss. Your choices are A: Permanent and Total Disability or B: Death.

This falls under the “duh” category. HOWEVER, one thing you forgot to mention is that while student loans were *originally* created to be given easily to students to provide opportunity to increase their potential and succeed in the workplace, the reality is FAR different.

Sallie Mae has made student loans into a multi-billion dollar for-profit business, specializing in the default collection of loans that they themselves, through multiple “bank” names, have provided, at high interest rates and even higher re-payment costs. It is not what those who originally created student loans EVER envisioned, and I’m sure that they are horrified at the knowledge that a company is preying so viciously (not to mention greedily) on people’s lack of knowledge by providing such misleading information like you’re giving here. You have been uncovered, found out, and proven to be a fraud. Try again.

~M

Recovering...

2008-05-27T16:08:00.002-07:00

So, this last weekend was filled with up's and down's - literally - at the event.

The event itself (The Gathering) is one that was originally created to thumb their noses at the pointy-hats and drama-llama's in the SCA who held a long-standing event called Egil's. Over the past 7 years, I migrated over from Egil's to The Gathering mostly because others whom I camped with were heading over to it. Over the years, it's moved around to different sites, some good and some not-so-good.

This year's site (and last year's, as well) was held at Horning's Hideout. It reminds me a lot of Pennsic with the rolling hills and muddy roads that you walk along to get from camp area to camp area.

The 40-some-odd peacocks and pea-hens wander throughout the site yelling practically all hours, and wend through your campsite in the early morning looking for leftovers from the night before.

Friday it was slightly damp when we set up camp, but the evening turned fairly nice. The pooper was having someone decide that black powder would be a GREAT thing to bring to the event - and set off - in a cannon... Mind you, I know of at least 3 servicemen who had just (and I mean, within the last 3 weeks) returned from yet another tour in Afghanistan... While the event copy apparently warned that black powder would be at the event, I don't feel that it was appropriate to have it there. We are not black powder enthusiasts. Granted, we stray a bit past what the SCA feels is a period time limit, but we don't do the black powder events... Elizabeth had just gone down for a nap the first time they shot off the cannon... She slept through the first blow, but the 2nd and 3rd blasts had her screaming her little head off. Did I mention they were all of 100 yards away from our tent when they blew it? And we didn't hear a "fire in the hole" warning? Oh, did I also mention that all the servicemen immediately hit the deck and freaked out? Yeah - not pleased. We asked them to move it to another location on the site, which they agreed to.

The fire show apparently went well, and Fred came back and had a good time saying hi to everyone afterwards across the camp. Elizabeth finally calmed down around 8-ish, after she refused to sleep all day (other than the hour ride to the campsite), and slept until 2:30 or 3am when Fred came back to camp.

The next morning she was up around 7am, and had a 20 minute nap in the morning, and about a 30 minute nap in the afternoon... It was the only day it was nice out, and so we slathered her with sun-screen and stripped her down to her diaper since it was too warm for her otherwise. Sat under the trees and enjoyed the breeze coming through. Unfortunately, with so little sleep, she just was not a happy camper, and proceeded to constantly cry and fuss through most of the day. Fred came to the rescue several times, as did others in the camp that we were in, to allow me a few minutes of relaxation and recouperation...

That afternoon, the cannon was again set off, and apparently had been moved BACK down to where they'd originally shot the cannon off the night before... AGAIN, right after I'd put Elizabeth down for a nap. I went down and started yelling, politely. I was told that I should have gotten her ear plugs (a 4-month-old!?!?! in ear plugs!?!?!?!?!?!) and that I should just suck it up and deal with it since the event copy warned that black powder would be here - the final straw was having the woman who obviously had no clue (she was the one who suggested ear plugs) ask loudly as I was leaving why I was bringing a newborn to an event at all, anyway... Hmmm - having a life, since life doesn't stop just because you have a baby, you fiddly little twat. Fred found out, and he went down to yell at them, too... They then were told to go ahead and move it again, or not shoot it off at all, since we weren't the only ones complaining.

That night the fire show was rained out, and Elizabeth was in bed and swaddled by 8:30 or 9. Fred went wandering and I stayed in the encampment and played Tablero, checking on the baby ever 20 minutes or so. I tucked into bed around midnight and Fred came back around 3 again... Baby woke up at 6am - never woke up for her 2am feeding, she was so tired, poor thing.

Fred took her and put her back to bed, where she slept for another 2 hours or so and woke up happy. It rained on and off all day Sunday, and at one point, during a break, I popped her into the snuggli and we went walking through the forest, up through merchant's row, and back down to camp. Got our pictures taken 4 times, her in a cute little viking outfit in light brown fleece. She fell asleep for a bit, then woke up on the way back.

We were early heading to bed with her Sunday - she was just very tired and decided to conk out early, around 7-ish. Fred headed off to the fire show, and I again hung out at camp. I went to bed around 1, and Fred showed up around 2:30-ish. Elizabeth again decided that she wasn't going to wake up for her 2am feeding, and ended up waking up around 6 am or so. We played for a bit, fed and changed her, then I headed up for the car before the rain hit hard again.

Packing out was an adventure as well, since there wasn't a really safe place to put her while both of us were packing up, other than in the carseat in the car. So, that's where she was most of the time. On our way out, she coo'ed happily at the trees, then fell asleep until we got upstairs at the apartment where I fed her again and put her down for a nap.

She woke back up around 7pm, and we had a nice bath, then she pretty much went right back to sleep again, and didn't wake up until 2:30 this morning for her munchies. She woke up happy and quiet this morning at 6, chatting happily at the dragon print in her crib...

So, all in all, not a bad weekend. My back is killing me, but that's due to a mattress not being pumped up again after sleeping on it... I left this morning to a very giggly, happy, but quiet baby. I think she likes the forest.

~M

Hot, hot, hot!

2008-05-19T09:45:00.003-07:00

It's been particularly warm in the NW of late. While it doesn't rival Texas or the southwest in the summer, it's definitely warmer than expected in May - and much more muggy.

92 degrees both Friday and Saturday, with high humidity, and in a 2nd story apartment. Saturday was better than Sunday, simply because a lot of the humidity was baked out - but Sunday, at 85, was by far the best for the 3 days we've had so far...

Saturday we finally broke down and installed the air conditioner in Elizabeth's room. Once she figured out what was going on, and had stopped having fits about the heat, she had a pretty good day - though she was very unhappy that we hadn't just moved everything into her room, including us. She was very snuggly this weekend, even with it being so hot, and the air conditioner helped to keep both of us from getting massive heat rashes.

I did tell Fred that with our stimulus check (should we ever receive it) we will be getting 2 more air conditioners, along with the vacuum and the grill we would like to get. We'll see how much we get, though... No sense in spending it before we get it.

This weekend will be the first time we go camping with the baby... Should be interesting. It's supposed to be cooler this weekend, so I can hope that the baby, while excited about the new surroundings, will be comfortable. I'm packing for everything, though, just in case.

~M

Zoo - the aftermath

2008-05-07T10:46:00.003-07:00

We went to the zoo on Sunday. While I technically didn't have the extra cash, it was the first really nice day of the season, and I really wanted to go for Elizabeth's first "big adventure"... I should have brought the digital camera, to show her off in different areas of the zoo, but didn't. I honestly didn't even think about it, so dazzled was I with the weather. Sun isn't a common occurance in the spring up here - at least, not lately, so it tends to blast brain cells.

Anyway, the zoo was pretty neat. About half of it is currently under construction to create a new area for the serengheti animals, which should be open next year. Even so, it's still a pretty nice zoo, and was a long enough visit with Elizabeth to make it through without her being overly fussy at all... She fell asleep in my arms at the very end, and I held her through purchasing a giraffe rattle and matching giraffe booties at the gift shop, and then we went home.

On the ride home from the Zoo...

Vampire Baby - she *adores* this rattle.

The really BIG adventure comes Memorial Day weekend, when we'll head 45 minutes away from home to camp for a few days with a couple hundred other people. I'm still debating on whether we will bring the whole travel crib or just the mattress and have a bunch of pillows around for a bumper... We'll see. She's getting to a point where she's arching her back to try and roll over, so we may go for the crib anyway.

~M

It says it all...

2008-05-03T19:47:00.002-07:00

I saw this at work the other day while up on the hill, and it just hit the right tickle bone in me.

Honestly, the rest of the flyer was regarding a free head and neck inspection for possible cancers, so that part was rather serious - but the top of the flyer did hold my attention long enough to giggle incoherantly for a good two minutes before I moved on to the rest of it.

It pretty much sums up the week for me. Hopefully life allows you a little bit of humor as well - hey! The sign said it was ok! Besides, if you can't allow at least a little bit of slapstick into your life, you're taking things WAAAY too seriously, and you need to lighten up.

~M

Admitting defeat...

2008-04-29T06:36:00.002-07:00

I finally broke down yesterday and got signed up for counselling. I have been fighting with the post-partum for a while now, and I just can't seem to get through it on my own. I know now that I cannot do this without help and, while I *HATE* asking for help, I must do so in order to be healthy for everyone.

The scariest part was admitting to Fred that I was needing it, and why. I would never, ever hurt Elizabeth - not even on my worst days. If things get out of control and frustrating, I simply put her safely into her crib and give myself a 10-minute time out, then try again. Hurting myself, on the other hand, is getting to be a more and more acceptable idea - and that's not good for anyone.

So, I have a phone counselling session today, and I am making appointments for regular visits with a counsellor starting as soon as possible... We shall see. I hope, for everyone's sake, that this works. I don't want to be thrown into the looney bin, or lose Elizabeth. However, I know that I can't do this on my own anymore - and while Fred is great, I need to talk with someone outside the picture this time...

Wish me luck...

~M

Update of sorts...

2008-04-22T09:05:00.003-07:00

Well, it's looking like the babysitter crisis has been resolved. We found a nice young gal, recently re-located from Tulsa, OK, whom Elizabeth seems to like a lot, and we both like quite a bit, too. I'm breathing a light sigh of relief, and am lots less stressed.

I've been suffering from stress migraines again. Not happy about it, but am dealing with it. Went to see my primary care dr, and he prescribed some meds to take care of flare-ups. Hopefully won't have to take them too often... So far, have only had to take one, and the rest of them have been managed with Excedrin and meditation, which is good.

Elizabeth is growing like a weed. She's now over 13 lbs, and over 24" long!

Chuck Norris' Total Gym has nothing on my kid! I have incrementally increasing weight loads, difficulty ratings are increased or decreased based on wiggliness, and it even comes with it's own cheering section (she screams at me if I'm not moving fast enough - LOL). Why have a home gym?

Mom came down this last weekend to visit, and bring a christening gown with her that's been in our family for over 100 years. I will be scanning in a few pics and putting them up when we have time. Elizabeth looked absolutely beautiful in it, and decided almost immediately that she needed to eat it.

We are currently starting to get ready for the tourney season, and have found that we need a few more things prior to actually heading out - another lamp or two, and another two heaters, one for Elizabeth's room, and one for the main room of the tent. Also, at least 2 if not 3 chairs to sit in, and I wouldn't mind a table... Looking at Ebay for stuff, and will also be heading to local Goodwills and the like to (hopefully) find stuff...

~M

Hellish week already...

2008-03-31T14:04:00.002-07:00

And it's not even the end of the first day yet...

First off, we had to track down the babysitter again yesterday to make sure she was going to be there today... And found out that she was sick and couldn't make it - again. Tried to get in touch with Angst, my god-daughter, who helped us out last week, and found out she was sick, too.

Thankfully, found out that the babysitter's mom was willing to take the Lizard for the day, which was helpful. Thankfully she picked her up by 8:15, and got me to a closer bus stop so I could make it to work on time.

Get to work, and every psycho in the local city area decides to get on my phone and call me, and I find out that the position that I've applied for here in the call center is not going to be filled anytime soon - apparently they have the idea that they can fill it with others for a while...

I decide to open my yahoo mail, and find out that the babysitter had emailed me yesterday at 4pm, and let me know that she had gotten an email from her vocational rehab counselor and was told she needed to sign up with a temp agency as soon as she was well, and that basically I'd better find someone else because she wouldn't be able to do it anymore.

I haven't heard back from Angst yet, but am not hopeful that she will be able and/or willing to help us. I also don't know what else to do at this point besides completely panic and fall down in a heap of tears. I have a possible option, but it's most likely a short-term fix, if it goes through at all.

On top of that, DHS is not going to be assisting us at all - we gross too much money. Which reminds me, I need to have Fred head to the courthouse and fill out paperwork to reduce his child support payment so that hopefully we can afford someone...

I think I've reached the end of my rope with stress, though...

~M

It's been a week...

2008-03-28T21:17:00.003-07:00

The work scene has been pretty steadily filled with the flotsom that comes through my phone on a regular basis: namely people who don't know why they've made an appointment, don't know who they made the appointment with, and can't remember the date and/or the time of said appointment - and they want me to find all of this out for them. It's sad, honestly, to know that there are that many wasted pieces of carbon out there.

Had another face-to-face interview on Wednesday. I think it went pretty well, but I didn't get a vibe either one way or another about whether I'd get the job. We'll see. If I do, I'm jumping on it. It's totally different from what I'm doing, and something that I know I'd be good at, given the chance. If I don't get it, well... I've applied for the lead position. I know, I'm nuts - BUT, it would mean less child care, a little more money, and a little less time on the phones, which would be nice. I might actually make a small smidgeon of a difference...

Elizabeth continues to go through short growth spurts. She hits one about every other week at this point, and has grown a good 1.5", and about 7-10 oz, making her well over 10 lbs at this point. She has a dr's appointment on the 7th for her 2 month check-up, so we'll get "official" stats at that point. She had her first bath in the bathtub last night, instead of in her little tub-lette. I decided I needed to take a bath, and by the time I realized it was fairly late, the water was a perfect temperature. So, had Fred bring her in, undress her, and plop her into the water with me. She wasn't sure what to think of it - she couldn't touch the sides, and couldn't figure out how her little tub-lette had gotten so large, and how I'd managed to get into it with her. *chuckle* She liked the water, though, and liked the fact that I was there, in the water, the whole time with her, holding her. I think she's going to do just fine in pools.

As for myself, I've been getting headaches pretty much every day this week. I don't know what it is that I'm either doing, or not doing, but I get them on the right side of my head, right behind my eyeball. I'm thinking it's my glasses. I've needed a new pair for a good 2 years, so I'm going to call Monday and see about making an appointment to get my eyes checked and get new glasses. My plan is eventually to get lasik surgery, since I get a discount for working at the hospital. I have to say, some of the perks are great.

Fred got his driver's permit today. Raistlin is going to take him out driving either this weekend or next... I'm actually rather excited about the prospect of Fred driving. It'll be nice to occasionally have him take the wheel, once he gets confident enough to drive with others in the car. I'm not expecting it take very long for him to get to that point.

Fred took Jazzy back to the Humane Society today, as I had to work. They offered us a credit toward another animal if we choose one within the next 90 days. I said we'd see, and perhaps later next month we will go back and take a look. They said if Jazzy is adopted again and is returned for the same issues again, they may deem her un-adoptable, which would mean they put her down. I can only hope that the letter I wrote about her, and what I feel would be a good fit for her, will help her find a good place to be. She has so much love to give, and if I was alone, I'd be a good match for her, I have no doubt.

Other than that, not much is going on... I'm exhausted, so I think I'm going to head to bed.

~M

One Ringy-Dingy...

2008-03-20T10:14:00.001-07:00

One of my all-time favorite skits ended up being this one. The most amusing part is that I now *am* a switchboard operator.

Enjoy...

~M

general meanderings...

2008-03-14T07:42:00.003-07:00

So, Elizabeth is still having colic - big surprise, there. It's possible she has what is called generally as "sluggish colon", which would explain the gas, fussiness, and her general attitude toward being held (wanna, wanna, wanna be comforted all the time, mama! Make it feel better!!).

I've gotten something called "Colic Calm", which is supposed to help all of these things. I ordered it for a few reasons, not the least of which is the alternate suggestions on the site on how to deal with intestinal gas issues without taking their product. I like that. No touting that this is the "only" thing that will work for the baby, etc. So, yeah, it's a little expensive, but also has a money-back guarantee, so there's that, too.

She was so tired last night she slept for 5 hours, waking up finally at around 2:45 for a feeding. I was awake, vaguely, at midnight to turn the swing back on, but she was sleeping soundly and didn't start fussing until 2:40. She was a sloppy noodle girl at that point, not wanting to wake up, but wanting to be changed and fed. So, changed her, then fed her. She fell asleep after one boob and giving a great triple burp, then woke up about an hour later for the other one.

We woke up around an hour ago, and changed and fed again, this time refusing to burp at all... She fell asleep for about 30 minutes, and is now being held by Daddy as he plays Command and Conquer. She dozes in his arms most times, and stares at him as he explains what he's doing. She likes how deep his voice is. It's cute.

Today I have an interview at 1pm up at the hospital. I'm really hoping that, now new people have been hired, my boss will allow me to leave. I have a horrible feeling that there has been negative feedback from her to potential new supers to try and keep me at the call center. In talking with others, I've found she did this before, too... And, I found out that one of the better employees got canned yesterday. I have no idea why. They claim it was because of poor performance. The gal didn't have NEARLY the poor performance of at least two people I can think of off the top of my head. But, that's why I'm not in charge and the dork is... *sigh*

Next Tuesday I have a dr's appointment for my 6-week postpartum check up and an IUD insertion... I was smart and kept one oxycodone aside for said insertion, as it can cause some major cramps. Wednesday I go back to work, which I'm not pleased about, but there you have it. While she drives me nuts, I've actually enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom for the last 6 weeks. The house hasn't gotten too bad, I've managed to keep my sanity (mostly), and I actually feel pretty good most days, as long as I can get out and go walking with Elizabeth three times a week. Unfortunately, I don't get paid to be a stay-at-home mom, so I have to head back.

Our tax refund from the Feds showed up, so now it's time to pay the state. Yippee. I'll cut the check to them this weekend. It was less than we had hoped it would be, but enough for us to have a very little left after paying the state.

There's a list of things which needs to get done this weekend, so it should be pretty busy for both Fred and I. Hopefully Elizabeth will cooperate and allow us to get most of it done.

Last but not least, we are taking the cat back to the Humane Society. Unfortunately, she is simply so jealous of both Fred and the baby that she is urinating and defecating on everything in her path outside her box - regardless of whether said box is clean or dirty. We cannot seem to break her of this, and I cannot have her doing this. She's peed on Elizabeth's play mat, my Afghanistan rug, Fred's clothing, poo'd on the couch, and both peed and poo'd in front of the sliding glass door repeatedly. So, that's it. We knew it was a 50/50 shot as to whether she'd be a good fit (no prior history other than she was abandoned by her previous owners), and at the HS, she seemed to really like Fred. But, she's just gotten more and more skittish and reclusive since she moved in with us, and has taken to occasionally attacking Fred. Hasn't attacked the baby - yet - and I'm not going to let her get the chance. Even the feline pheremone hasn't helped any. I believe her best bet is to find an older, single woman who lives by herself with no other pets, who either works part time or is retired.

Anyway, that's pretty much all there is to report at this point.

~M

Patterns may be emerging...

2008-03-10T10:07:00.002-07:00

I hate daylight saving time. I always end up feeling as though someone slipped me something drastic to sleep, and I'll never catch up again. This is the only time I envy those living in Arizona.

In other news - we may actually have a pattern settling in with Elizabeth. I'm very cautiously optimistic about it, but it's looking as though she is going to cooperate regarding going to sleep by 10pm, and letting me stay asleep for about 2-3 hours at a time. We've only had issues when people have come over and stayed past around 7-8pm, because she's convinced she has to be awake for all of it, too. And/or, that if she was asleep during that time, she has to make up for it later by being awake and fussy.

Today I am going to attempt to do a load of dishes, and finish organizing and baby-proofing under the sinks. Can't do much else, since I can't really haul her around while doing laundry (the room is at the other end of the building), and can't leave her here while I head over to do said laundry. I was going to do that yesterday, but ended up sitting around instead. I don't *NEED* to do laundry, but the smaller loads are easier to handle.

The sink in the kitchen and large bathroom are already done. I got the baby cabinet locks, but wanted something in addition, just in case. So, got some tall storage boxes with lids to put the cleaners and things in, both to tidy up everything and have one more obstacle to place in Elizabeth's way, in case she decides she needs to get into the cupboards and manages to do so. I'm also re-organizing the bathroom shelves, and putting things away there. I already re-organized her clothes drawers, and got rid of the stuff that she's already grown out of. She's now over 10 lbs, and has grown at least 1.5 inches! I had to adjust her car seat already!

Anyway, other than that, not much to report. Going to get something to eat, then get Elizabeth changed and fed, then hopefully start on some dishes...

~M

Portrait of a Lizard...

2008-03-06T08:52:00.003-08:00

I figured I'd share a few photos of the Lizard here, for those few who do read my blog. Enjoy!

SIDS and crying babies...

2008-03-01T07:49:00.002-08:00

In one of my last posts, some coward decided to post anonymously that allowing Elizabeth to have a cry, after seeing to her physical needs, was selfish and that crying babies were more at risk for SIDS...

Thankfully, I have more sense than some people, and while I already KNEW that babies who cry are NOT going to die of SIDS, I looked up the specific information on it, in case Mr/Ms Anonymous decides to come back for a second attempt at trying to scare me...

The Mayo Clinic has a fairly comprehensive article on the subject, as well as possible indicators on how to help avoid it. Understand, however, that it will not completely safeguard your child from the issue - but following the guidelines will help keep your child safer.

~M

Not just blue...

2008-02-24T09:23:00.002-08:00

I am in full-blown post-pardum depression, with extra sauce on the side... I'm going to be talking with a counsellor as soon as I can get in touch with one (which most likely will be on Monday), so that I can get through this. The last thing we need is a psychotic moi wandering around; hard to get me to help with the dishes or the baby when I'm busy having a cry over nothing.

I seem to be able to hold up most of the week, but by Friday or Saturday, I am exhausted at trying to hold everything together - and I totally crack. Elizabeth being a fair amount more fussy than a lot of babies I've dealt with in the past does not help matters - not that it's her fault, it's just one of those extra straws that is packed onto an already overloaded camel.

Fred is doing everything that he can do, but I know that it's difficult on him. I don't do well with people leaking all over, and neither does he. I have been trying very hard to keep from crying all over the place, but it seems to hit overload about mid-weekend.

Wish me luck with the counselling...

~M

Someone quick! Get me my walker!

2008-02-21T12:15:00.002-08:00

Yes, it's official - I'm now 34 years old... and feeling every second of it at the moment - and then some. I'm sure that it has something to do with having a newborn 14 days prior to my birthday...

Fred and I are continuing to survive - barely - with Elizabeth's demands. She is learning that Mommy isn't going to pick her up every time she cries, and neither will Daddy. She's also learning, however, that she will get fed pretty well on time, and Mommy will not let her starve - no matter how much she thinks otherwise.

We're also working on getting her to see that sleeping during the day by herself is not going to kill her, and neither is not getting constant snuggles from Mommy - not that Mommy doesn't do the snuggles, anyway... I have to say, I do love new baby smell, and she has such soft downy hair that it's nigh irresistable to snuggle with her whenever she reaches out to me and demands it.

I'm beginning to get more relaxed into the role of Mama. It's been a difficult transition, since I started off with very little experience in that department and topped it off with knowing that we'd almost lost her at one point due to birth complications. I'm reminding myself daily that I don't *need* to rescue her each second she's not in my arms, that she's ok, and that she'll survive a few minutes more without me - as long as I'm nearby and can rescue her when she really does need it. For instance, currently, I am allowing her a good 6-minute cry on our bed while I update my blog. I have fed and changed her, and the sounds she's making means she's bored and wants me to entertain her. So, she's learning that Mommy isn't always going to entertain her whenever she wants...

She's still really gassy, but her pediatrician says she's doing fine, and is looking good. She gained another 3 oz from last Wednesday, so we're pretty well good to go with her weight gain after the loss of weight in the hospital.

Other than that, nothing more to report - I'm still needing to do taxes, and get a nursing bra... The two that I have are not going to cut it in the long run, and none of my other bras are going to cut it at all for nursing... Perhaps this weekend I can drag Fred out or leave Elizabeth with him and head out for a few hours on my own...

~M

fast update...

2008-02-19T09:46:00.003-08:00

I'm heading out today to show off the punchkin (daddy's nickname for her) to the work folk, and to the DMV (conveniently located next door to said work) to get my license renewed. Tomorrow being my birthday, I have today and tomorrow left to do it, and tomorrow we spend the day up on Pill Hill again for her appoinment and then mine.

And I have an attack of tummy ickies that may actually rival Elizabeth's today... Should make for a fun time for all... ugh.

~M

Catching up...

2008-02-14T12:05:00.001-08:00

So, Happy Valentines Day to all. I finally have the time to update here just a bit. As I'm sure you all already know, I am now "officially" a Mommy - at least, if you read Fred's blog, you do.

Things started out so quietly on February 5th. I woke up, got dressed and ready for the non-stress test for the day, and looked at my overnight bag thinking "Well, I *could* take it, but most likely nothing is going to happen, and I will see Meg [my ob] today anyway, so we'll figure it will be either tomorrow or Thursday at the latest." and headed out the door with a mental list of what needed to be done after I got out of the hospital... Pick up pizza from Papa Murphy's, head home, do dishes, fold laundry, clean bedroom a bit...

I get hooked up to the monitors and within 10 minutes am asked by the nurse in Fetal Monitoring "Did you feel that contraction?"

"No. I mean, I feel something, but I figured they were latent contractions, just like normal - I've had them for the last 2-3 weeks. Why?"

"Well, we have what we call a latent dip in the baby's heart rate. So, you've just earned a spot in Labor & Delivery. I'll call someone to escort you over."

So, off I waddle to L & D, sure that this is yet another 4 hours of watching paint dry, where they will then call Meg and have her schedule me for tomorrow for an induction.

I get in, get changed into a fabulously fashionable hospital gown and get plopped into bed, where I'm strapped once again into the monitors and am told to get some oxygen. I call my doula and have her come up - she lives about an hour aaway, so I figured that calling her would be a good idea first, since most likely Fred could get there faster, even from across town.

I called Fred when they started having me sign paperwork and strapping admitting tags onto my wrist. Rather, I called Brad, Fred's boss, and calmly informed him that he needed to figure out a way to get Fred over to the hospital since it looked like they were admitting me and we were going to be having a baby sometime soon. Brad was more tongue-tied than I had expected, and had I not been slightly nervous, I would have found it more amusing at the time.

The doula showed up just in time to hear the doctors saying that they wanted to see about doing a contraction stress test on the baby to see if she would be able to handle a vag birth. The "latent dip" apparently is caused when baby's heart rate drops AFTER the contraction - which is not what they want to see. They want to see it increase just prior, and go back to normal afterwards. So, enter the dreaded Petosin IV drip.

Now, by now, I'm noticing that no one seems to be talking with anyone else, and no one, not even my doula, is mentioning ANYTHING about my birth plan at all. My brain is so out of whack at this point I can't seem to remember anything - which was why I had a doula in the first place - I wanted someone who could say "Uh, excuse me guys, but she has a birth plan, could we try and follow it for a bit, please?".

The Petosin drip goes for about an hour or so and we get a favorable response from the baby. By this time, Fred has arrived, after a quick detour to our house to get the overnight bag. The nurses turn the Petosin drip off, and one of the doctors decides to use a foley cath to dialate me further than the 1-1.5 cm's that I'm still at. My cervix is also still fairly high at this point, so they're hoping that with a foley, it will clue the cervix into dropping and dialating properly.

I am, however, not allowed to walk - or even sit up. They want to monitor the baby, they say, and they want to hook me back up to the Petosin... I don't want the Petosin, I want to walk, thank-you-very-much.

At this point, my room finally is available and I'm offered the chance to walk down to it. I grab it, and say Hell and Yes, I want to walk down. But first I need to use the bathroom. As I'm getting up, they look at me and say,

"Did they mention that the foley will fall out?"

"NO! What do you mean, it's going to fall out?!"

"Well, once you're dialated about 3-4 cm's, it will drop out on it's own. It's supposed to. It's ok."

Less alarmed, I nod, and head to the bathroom. I end up gently blowing my nose and the cath pops out unceremoniously... I think to myself that I hope I didn't do something horrible, and pull off the rest of the cath tube and place it in the sink, since nurses seem to like to check these sorts of things for measurements and all kinds of junk.

I let them know that yes, it came out, and I now have a bit of bloody show. I then head down to the L & D room they have for me (about twice as big as the one I had been in) and change into the gown I'd made for the birth - pretty much set up exactly the same as a hospital gown, just that it actually FITS, and it's made of a linen/poly blend that will launder quite well regardless - and it's soft.

They check to see how far I'm dialated, and sure enough, it's 4 cm's - but I'm still not effacing. SO, the doctor decides that we need to break the waters to get me fully effaced. I ask if I'm going to be able to walk after that, since I wanted to, and that was part of my birth plan, and she says "Yes, no problem, of COURSE you can walk."

They break the waters, which I must say, is one of the oddest sensations in the world... And then the doctor turns around and hooks me back up to Petosin - WHY, I don't know. She doesn't explain it to me, and again, my doula doesn't step up and say "Uh, she would like to walk for a bit - is that ok? You know, let gravity do it's job?". She just sits there, and rubs oil on my belly.

The contractions are coming along at this point about 1-2 every 2 minutes or so. They aren't overly steady and they don't want to stay a certain length. They also don't always allow for rest time in between. One of the problems with Petosin...

They're still monitoring me and I'm still asking about being allowed up and walking - or even standing - or even sitting on a birthing ball... ANYTHING. I'm told that I can't, because they need to monitor the baby while I'm hooked to the Petosin, and they don't want to remove the Petosin or the monitor at this point because the baby is now showing signs of a negative variable heart-rate. I'm thinking, "Well, sure - because if you were stuck in a small room that was contracting and stretching similar to that of the death-star trash compactor scene in Star Wars, you'd be having a negative variable heart-rate, too!".

Suddenly, the contractions change in intensity from fairly harsh but bearable to bone-shattering and pelvis-crushing pain. I knew at that point something was not going according to anybody's plan, least of all mine, and it was all I could do to not scream at them to just unhook me and leave me the fuq alone. The Petosin drip was up to 14 at that point, and there was no rest in between any of these. I finally broke down sobbing and asked for an epidural because I just couldn't handle the pain anymore - I hadn't been listened to for a good 4-5 hours so I was surprised when they came in and almost immediately got one for me.

Fred, at this point, was livid. Not only was his wife in pain, but the doctors (there were 4 of them wending in an out) refused to listen to either her or each other - all of them had a different idea of what needed to happen, and they all felt it necessary to tell me in the midst of a contraction - or ask me a question. On top of that, he was trying to hold my hand and be there for me, and the doula was effectively physically blocking his access to me at all - I was completely unaware at that point of anything other than hands and the pain, so I was no help whatsoever. I know I was being asked to make decisions, but I can't remember what was asked or what decision I made - even now.

All of a sudden, about 8-10 minutes after the epidural was put in, I was surrounded by 8 people, and my bed started moving. Fred apparently was told by all 4 of the doctors AND the doula, consecutively, that they were needing to go in for an emergency c-section. No one would be allowed in other than the doctors and nurses, so both doula and Fred were relegated to just outside the doors to wait for an outcome. It was around 12:40 in the morning at this point.

All I remember is that I couldn't breathe, and felt totally lethargic everywhere. I remember getting onto the operating table, and then having a small mask placed over my face. I can remember being sort of panicked, but then being completely calm almost immediately afterwards, and then I don't remember anything until 2:30 when I woke up again. Fred was there, and I could see a squirmy, wiggleworm being held by the L & D nurse across the room. Fred headed over, got the wiggling mass, and brought it over to me, and there was my Elizabeth.

I have to say, it was a rather emotional, yet anti-climactic time for me. I had so hoped for a vag birth, but instead I missed everything - I didn't even get to be awake for the c-section. It was when the nurse came over with the umbilical cord that I truly understood what had gone on. Apparently, during her 9 month stay within me, she'd managed to tie the cord into a knot, either at the placental side or the belly side (we aren't sure which - they didn't specify). Combined with the cord wrapped around her neck twice, she simply couldn't get oxygen while the contractions were forcing her down the birth canal - it was impossible because the knot would contract and shut down the flow. Even had they not given me the Petosin and allowed me to walk, I still would have had to have a c-section.

At 3am, I was awake enough to hold her, and we tried breast-feeding for the first time. She latched on like a pro, and I barely had to do anything other than just sit there and enjoy her presence.

I stayed in the hospital for 4 days, being poked, prodded, and generally annoyed by the nurses. Elizabeth was also poked, prodded and generally annoyed by the nurses, and showed almost immediately that she has my lungs and Daddy's temper.

Mom made it down to help out from Thursday morning through yesterday. She helped put the house in order for my return, then helped me get settled in and sorted into the feeding/changing/napping mode that it looks like we'll be having for a while.

I am off for a total of 6 weeks, unless something happens and I need more time off. Currently, I have an infection in my incision that the doctors are looking at carefully. Tomorrow I go in to have them look again. I got onto antibiotics, but the wound is still oozy and warm to the touch in comparison to other areas, so I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be re-opened to a certain degree to get everything out, and then we will start the ostomy care (basically packing and prodding it until it heals properly). The good news is that if I get my tummy tuck, the scar may mostly go away anyway... besides, I don't wear a two-piece, so I'm not too worried about it.

Elizabeth lost 8-9 oz in the hospital (typical), and is now gaining it back in lightning speed. Her pediatrician met her for the first time yesterday and remarked how good she looked. No jaundice, no real issues, weight is up, and she's looking good. In a temper, but looking good.

She eats every 1-2 hours right now during the day, and at night every 3-4 hours, depending on how hungry she is. On top of that, I'm expressing, in order to have enough on hand just in case. She has decided that the formula that we had been supplimenting her with in the hospital (she drained me of colostrum within the first 32 hrs) is not what she wants. Makes her extremely gassy and fussy anyway. So, we're breast-feeding only, which is fine.

She really does honestly smile, and giggles and smirks at things occasionally in her sleep. Her tear ducts are also fully functional, as we have found when she gets into a full-blown mad. She cries her little eyes out, tears pouring everywhere. She loves to snuggle my breasts, and will, if allowed, sleep on them and pet them with a hand, a little half-smile on her face.

Fred presented me with a dozen rozes and some little mini tiger-lilies for Valentine's Day... as well as to commemorate Elizabeth's birth. I'd told him that I didn't want diamonds or jewelry or anything like that to celebrate her birth - just a rose. That's all. He's just the sweetest man in the whole world. :-)

Fred is taking to being a newborn's daddy like a duck to water. He is fabulous with her, even at 2am when she's on a mad that's so high-gear that she stiffens her little body up and lets loose a scream that would have Billy Idol hang it all up and try for mime. We're both doing fairly well with everything, considering neither of us have a ton of experience (though I have less than Fred does).

My back is still killing me, but I think it's just going to be a matter of time until everything settles in. Meanwhile, Ibuprofin and acetamenaphin will be my friends - as will stretching.

Off to feed the baby again! it's now noon...

~M

Waiting, and hoping, and praying....

2008-02-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

Had another non-stress-test (NST) on Friday, and this time Elizabeth acted just as I thought she would - we chased her around my belly for a good 7-10 minutes before we caught her, and then she proceeded to try and bounce the monitors off of me one by one, by way of kicking them violently.

Both the ultrasound and the monitoring showed a healthy, comfy baby, so there's no real cause for stress, other than the fact that she hasn't decided to come out yet.

There was some stress on Thursday, however. Tuesday's monitoring and ultrasound were delivered to my OB, Meg, by hand BY ME, and there was no indication that there was anything even remotely wrong at all. Meg told me not to worry, that if I didn't have the baby by Tuesday, we'd meet, and set up everything for induction either Wednesday or Thursday - no issues, no fuss, no muss.

So, when my phone rings on Thursday, I figure it's just a call to remind me of my NST. Instead, I get the following:

"Hi! This is Julie with Dr B's office (the Dr I saw while Meg was out of town - ONCE). She just wanted me to let you know that she'd reviewed your ultrasound from Tuesday, and we wanted to make sure you knew you had an abnormally large baby for her gestational age - but then, you can probably feel that, can't you..."

"Uhhh," I answer intelligently, confused, "Yeah - well, I talked with Meg about the ultrasound on Tuesday, and she said everything was fine."

"Oh. Well, Dr B just felt you needed to know about the size. Have a great day!"

click.

Now, first off, why is another Dr reviewing my ultrasound/charts and not consulting with my assigned Dr PRIOR to actually having someone call me? And why was it that Meg felt there was no issue, while Dr B felt that there was? Was something wrong? Did the information not get entered correctly? Did I not understand something? Am I going to have to have a c-section? What the hell is going on?

So, I call the clinic back and ask that Meg's nurse call me with an explaination. 3 hours later, no call back, so I call again. This time I *DO* get a call back, and the nurse is someone I haven't talked to before (Kiki is the person I normally see with Meg, I have no idea who this gal is, other than her name is Nicole). I explain what happened with the phone call, and Nicole's response is:

"Oh, well sometimes mistakes happen. I wouldn't worry about it."

"No, I *am* worried about it. I'm a week past due at this point, and I want to know why another Dr would A. be reviewing my records when *my* OB is in, and why they would then proceed to inform me something that is completely opposite of what my OB told me less than two days ago."

"Well, it's possible that Dr B got your ultrasound by mistake and reviewed it instead of Meg..."

"Now, why would that happen, when it was ME who hand-delivered the ultrasound results to Meg on Tuesday?"

"Uh... well, as I said, sometimes mistakes just happen. Obviously the call to you was a mistake - I would simply ignore it."

"I don't think so. You now have a fairly hysterical pregnant woman on the phone, past due with her first baby. I want to find out from Meg what's going on. She told me on Tuesday that there was nothing to worry about, and if I hadn't had the baby by next Tuesday, we would induce. Now, I'm being told that I have an abnormally large baby, and I don't know what that means." (tears of frustration and stress are now running down my face as I'm trying to keep from screaming at her at the top of my lungs)

"Well... I suppose I could talk with Meg and find out if the plans have changed, and if they have, then I can call you back... But I honestly don't feel that this is something necessary."

"Well, let's have Meg decide what's necessary and what isn't, shall we? So, you go ahead and talk with Meg and call me if there are any changes to the last plans we'd set up."

"Fine. I'll talk with Meg, and I'll call you if anything has changed."

No one has called, so I can only assume one of two things has happened - either there were no changes to the plans, or the nurse blew me off, hoping I simply wouldn't call back. Either way, it was a crap-tastic day on Thursday.

Mum sent down some moolah to help with the baby. I've been approved for FMLA, but I am not sure how that's going to work, other than I won't be dinged for time off. So, we have rent and food and some of the bills covered, at the least. Mum herself may not be able to make it down until March, since there is NEW drama in my sister's life, causing Mum to have to be there to take care of the 3-yr-old while Mel heads over to Ellensburg for retraining. Don't ask - that's another entry all inof itself, and I just don't feel the energy...

All in all, it's been pretty uneventful. I'm in pain when I walk at this point - all my pelvis wants is a different body - as does my lower back. My knee has now decided to join the fun, which makes it really fun to walk anywhere. We went shopping today, and I almost lost it a few times on people who simply couldn't care less about where they were going, what they were doing, or whether they were blocking the entire aisle or not. I hate going shopping.

Found out I got everything I needed, but now I need a separate freezer to keep everything in. *chuckle* Had to jerry-rig a few things to keep everything in the freezer without the door popping open.

Tonight is gaming, with dinner being served at 7pm. Sloppy joes. MMMMmmmm.

~M

Sleepy? Nay, rather exhausted, honestly.

2008-01-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

I have taken the last 3 days off work due to the added physical stresses that Elizabeth, not to mention a rather nasty sinus infection, has decided to provide me. I've had mild but constant contractions for most of the last week, after Monday and Tuesday having some really GREAT ones for about 5 hours apiece - only to have them die down to nothing within 20 minutes or so. *sigh*

I've pretty well been sleeping the whole time, and I can only think that apparently I'm bank-rolling up time for the future, where I won't be able to sleep much at all. Those times I haven't been sleeping, I've been puttering around the house, sort of cleaning. Avoided the computer like the plague, and the phone, and haven't been horribly sociable, either.

Another thing that has been a thorn in my side is listening to the comments from those at work (yet another reason why I wouldn't want to go back at this point), about what's going on with the pregnancy... In one day, I heard from no less than 7 people in my department (and on that day, there were only 12 of us on the floor) "Gee, you STILL haven't had that baby yet?"

No, fuq'ers, I still haven't had the @$#%$#%$#@ baby yet. Does it LOOK like I've had the #$%$#%$##@ baby yet?! Honestly. My belly is so far out there that I am wearing the same size now that I had been at my heaviest prior to weight loss surgery, my back has decided that it's going to permanently bend itself into a compound bow shape, and my abdomen feels as though I have the world's worst hernia happening... What do YOU think I'm doing?

Makes one tempted to say "Yes, I had the baby, but I liked the shape so much I had an implant put in - it wiggles on command! Here's your sign..."

Tomorrow I spend all day up on pill hill in 3 separate appointments. First we get to stare at the baby for about an hour or so via ultrasound, to see whether she passes all 8 of her reflex tests. Then I go back in about 2 hours later and they do a "non-stress-test" fetal monitor, where they will hook up a heart-rate monitor to my belly and get a 25 minute strip of good, solid heartbeat - at least, that's the plan. Then finally, I have my OB appointment, where, hopefully, the results will be favorable to simply start things going via the wonders of modern medicine, and my OB will take pity on my poor self.

Now, mind you, I believe I have mentioned before that Elizabeth **HATES** to be monitored at all. She will scratch, kick, bump, wiggle away, and generally be a pain in the ass to all monitoring devices. I already explained to her several times if she didn't want to be monitored, she'd best get out now, so she doesn't have to deal with it. She gets agitated enough and she gets the hiccups, which then repeatedly (and rapidly) expands and contracts my belly while she bumps her little bottom into me and wiggles in outrage. The only way I have found to stop the hiccups is to pat her gently but firmly on her little bottom for about 2-3 minutes to calm her down. I'm pretty sure that she's ready to come out, and I *know* that I'm ready to have her come out - if only to stop the hiccup ride from happening yet again.

Tomorrow is also Fred's birthday... I was born on my father's birthday, so I will say it would be kind of cool to have Elizabeth born on HER daddy's birthday as well... She's already got his temper and sense of humor (obviously), so why not just go for the whole shebang? *chuckle* I think I'm more than wishful in this.

I did get to a point this weekend where I simply didn't care all that much about any of it at all. I was tired, having mild (but solid) contractions, and had a sinus headache. It was the most relaxed I've felt in a while, which is saying something... I'm not sure what, but it definitely said something. LOL.

So, keep your fingers crossed for me, and hope that soon, I will have a wiggly thing in my arms rather than still stuffed inside.

~M

All out of virtues...

2008-01-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

They say that patience is a virtue... Unfortunately, I apparently do not have much, and what little I have normally is pretty well exhausted at this point.

Baby Elizabeth is still not out, and I am totally over the novelty of being pregnant and big as a house. Baby, however, is perfectly happy to stay inside until it's time for her college interviews, apparently. I feel like she's sitting so low she's between my knees, and I can't even get out to walk faster than a slow stroll.

Friday found me falling completely apart, and Fred had to go out to get me Excedrin PM, as suggested by both my OB and my PT. Turns out, I hadn't gotten more than about 4-5 hours of actual sleep in about 4-5days, which meant that I was totally exhausted and unable to function. I couldn't make any decisions whatsoever, and the only thing I was capable of doing was leaking (crying) everywhere and being incoherent.

After a few hours of E-pm induced sleep, I was feeling better, and could actually be social again with Fred and the cat. That night, I took another dose, and was able to sleep for a good 8 hours - 4 in bed and 4 on the couch (I've had to change venues in sleeping half-way through so I can get comfy). Saturday found me with no pain for the first time in months. Incredible.

So, at this point, we're just waiting. I'm now 50% effaced, possibly a bit more, but am still only dialated 1.5 cm (unless THAT'S changed, too). I don't have any further OB appointments, which everyone says is odd, so I need to call the clinic tomorrow and find out if I was supposed to make further appointments, or whether they were just going to have me go in when they called... I hit the 40 week mark on this upcoming Friday... Should make for an interesting weekend...

~M

On the way...

2008-01-11T20:20:00.001-08:00

As of today, actually... I went to physical therapy thinking nothing more about the pregnancy other than "Gee, I wonder when this whole contraction thing is going to start in..." Little did I know.

I got massaged by my therapist, then went over to say hello to an old co-worker of mine who works in a different department now. I was only there a few minutes, and when I went to get up, I turned apparently ashen and almost fell down. I also had this weird tighening sensation that would not let up, and couldn't breathe.

Linda took one look at me and had me go back to the clinic and ask to see the nurse there. I did so, and after looking at me for a few minutes, they sent me up to Labor and Delivery.

Now, I knew that Elizabeth was NOT going to be arriving today. Not by a long shot. But, I was worried that something could be wrong, since this was not a "normal" reaction to simply getting up - at least, not for me.

They strapped me into a monitoring device, set another device to hear baby's heartbeat, and proceeded to have me sit there for a good 15 minutes. The nurse came back and looked up on the screen, then said...

"Oh! Well, you're having contractions about every 3-5 minutes."
"I am?" I said... I'd had no idea - they didn't feel painful, just pressure, building up and then releasing.
"Yup. Here comes another one..."
I concentrated for once on what my body was actually doing, rather than spacing off like I normally do, and this time felt a mild, though annoying, burning/shooting pain coming up my groin and into my abdomen, as well as across my back toward my sides and up my spine.

"Oh..." I said, "So THAT'S what they feel like... Good to know."

We proceeded to go back and forth monitoring the baby and changing my position slightly to try and alleviate pressure on my tailbone for about 4 hours. Watching paint dry would have been more interesting, if only because paint at least changes color as it dries.

Elizabeth showed her immediate distaste of the entire monitoring situation by first trying to kick the monitor off her. Then, when that didn't work, she tried scratching it and/or rolling away from it. When that didn't work, either, she realized I was on my back, so she snuck into my belly cavity and hid away from it like a little submarine. I had warned them that she didn't like to be monitored, and she had an attitude, but they didn't believe me until they actually SAW what she was doing.

At one point she got so agitated that she got the hiccups again. That got a round of giggles from the nurse and the doctors. Of course, by the end of the 3rd hour, my contractions had pretty well stopped, since I hadn't been moving for 3 hours... Dammit.

The exam conclusion was yes, I'm in labor, no nothing is serious at this point, and yes I'm dialated, but only about 1-2 cm's - certainly too small to do anything with at this point. So, I'm walking lots, drinking lots of raspberry tea, and following up with more walking. Tomorrow I'm walking the pool again, if she hasn't decided to take matters into her own hands and have me go further into labor than I already am...

I went shopping this evening for all the groceries I think we'll need for a little bit - wanted to make sure that Fred had food, and that I would have food as well if she went ahead of schedule and I was too pooped to go to the store afterwards. We also picked up a few weeks worth of disposables just in case, as well as baby wipes, bath stuff, and some nursing pads and the OTHER pads... So, we should be mostly ok at this point... We'll see.

~M

On to the ricockulous...

2008-01-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

Because it's beyond ridiculous...

Got a text message from my mother yesterday informing me that she hoped the baby would be late, as she wouldn't be able to get away and come down until at least the 8th of Feb, and would only be able to stay until the 15th...

I'm inclined to tell her not to even bother.

Honestly, I'm not sure she understands that I'm even *in* the family at this point... She's so wrapped up with taking care of my sister and her kids - that's why she can't get away. Mel can't seem to keep her 15-year-old under a modicum of control and personally responsible for herself and her actions, and "can't" find a daycare program that she likes for the 3-year-old. Thus, my mother chooses to drive back and forth between Pt Townsend and Seattle each week and takes care of the kids while Mel goes either to work (dump truck driver, union, makes $28-$32/hr) or to physical therapy for her foot - which she's been nursing for a year or more.

Whenever I point out that Mel is a grown woman, and should be capable of taking care of her kids herself, Mom plays the guilt card, stating that Mel is a single parent, can't do everything by herself, blah blah blah... She's done this for the past 10 years, and probably will not stop until she dies of an overdose from travel.

Since Mel had such a "terrible" childhood (parents divorced when she was 9, was beaten regularly by father, chose to live on streets by 13 to avoid her "horrible" step-father [my dad] and her horrible father), and mum couldn't fix it, she feels it necessary to do everything she possibly can to "fix" things now... And Mel, since she had such a terrible childhood, and mum didn't fix it, feels she is entitled to everything she possibly can get from the world - and is training her children to be the same way.

Never mind that Mel had a choice when she decided to live on the streets - she could have lived with either our grandmother, or live with my father and our mother. However, she would have had to live with rules she didn't want to live by... like going to school, getting decent grades, getting a job if she wanted extra money, etc... All those horrible things that a responsible young adult does as they grow up and learn to live on their own in the world...

Rather than do that, Mel chose to live on the streets by her own rules, and ended up on drugs and alcohol by the time she was 16, and didn't get clean until she was 26. Our mother blames herself for Mel's past choices and Mel's father being a child- and wife-beater, so as I mentioned before, she is attoning for her past "sins".

Since I had 2 parents my whole life, neither of whom beat or abused me, apparently I don't need to have the support that my sister does... And while my mother feels guilty about it, she consoles herself with the fact that my upbringing was so much better than Mel's, and I didn't have the issues that Mel had growing up.

I got so angry (and am STILL so angry about it), I felt like screaming. Last night, however, had an odd dream with Dad in it. He showed up and we spoke for about two hours about it - the upshot was that he told me even if Mom wasn't there, he would be. Before you think this is a "normal" thing, Dad passed away in '94... So, it was rather bizarre.

There's something not quite right with a family where you can rely more on your dead relatives than you can on your live ones...

~M